


I'll Protect You

by Mona_Lisa



Category: Sons of Anarchy
Genre: Abduction, Aftermath of Violence, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Psychological Torture, Sexual Violence, Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-05
Updated: 2014-09-24
Packaged: 2018-02-07 13:41:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 36
Words: 88,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1901103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mona_Lisa/pseuds/Mona_Lisa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chibs and Juice have just started their relationship, discovering their feelings for each other. Juice is still vulnerable as he struggles to deal with the aftermath of his betrayal. Chibs is there for him but then an enemy from his past enters their world, threatening to destroy their happiness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: Reflections

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place after 6x01 in which Chibs gave Juice a bloody beating. I chose this episode because I think that everything was alright then for Juice, his ratting forgiven by Jax and Chibs. He has redeemed himself by giving Jax Clay. In the show, everythings starts to go downhill again when Jax forces Juice to kill an innocent woman, so I wanted to place my story before something so wrong could happen :)

Chibs felt tired, simply exhausted when he finally left the clubhouse on his bike after a long, busy day. He had been happy and proud when Jax had made him his Sergeant-at-Arms, but sometimes, well sometimes he just wished he could hand over the burdens that went with the job to someone else. All that shit with Clay and the Irish, how Jax had more and more changed into another person he was not sure he understood anymore…

Chibs was sick and tired of it. The club didn’t feel as right as it did before. The feelings of brotherhood, yes, that hadn’t changed and he still loved every single one of his brothers as much as before, would do anything for anyone of them. But somehow the rules had changed. Somehow, nothing felt right anymore. Since Jax had become the President of the Sons, one catastrophe followed after another. He couldn’t remember when they last had a “normal” day, a normal day selling guns, investing in porn or just having a goddamn party at the clubhouse, with the usual crowd of croweaters and other crew members, with everyone just passing out on the floor or on the billiard table. He missed those days. He wanted his family, his club to be whole again.

But what he wanted even more was for his boy Juice to be okay again. Juice, that punkass little brother with his silly little Mohawk and his silly head tattoos who he just couldn’t imagine being without anymore. Juice had become his world. He had always known that he liked the Puerto Rican boy, had known it from the very start, when Juice had been a nervous, little Prospect that jumped around everyone, trying to be of help when he mostly was just standing in the way. He had decided to watch that boy then, to help him when he could and to teach him a thing or two maybe if possible. It had turned out that Juice could indeed be a very useful member, becoming the club’s intelligent officer, dealing with all the technical stuff, but also being pretty handy with a gun. He had earned his respect and had become as much a valued club member as Chibs or Tig or Happy. But suddenly, everything had changed.

He had noticed a change in Juice a few weeks after he and the others had been released after their 14-months-stay in Stockton. The kid suddenly went from happy-go-lucky to very quiet, absent. He often disappeared without saying where he’d go and he seemed to make a habit of looking at his cell apprehensively. Chibs had observed all this quietly, deciding to wait a little longer until he addressed the younger man. But then the thing with Miles and the coke happened, and it changed Juice even more. Chibs still remembered when he and Happy had found him lying on the ground, covered in Miles’ blood, eyes wide with terror, hyperventilating. That had been the first time that Chibs had really feared for Juice, had realized that he didn’t want the boy to be hurt, not for anything in the world.

When Juice had tried to commit suicide a few days later, it had nearly broken Chibs. His heart had felt like it would explode any second when he found Juice with the chains in his hands, trying to cover up for what he tried to do to himself. He had found himself seizing Juice by his cut, throwing him to the ground while screaming at him angrily. Juice had just cried and cried until Chibs thought he could bear it no longer. This had been the moment when he knew he felt more than just brotherly love for Juice. He knew then that he loved him more, that he wanted him more than anything in the world.

All this was months ago. Since then, a lot had changed between him and Juice. He had taken care of him after the suicide attempt, had held the boy close and comforted him when the whole thing with Juice’s father came out. He hadn’t dared to show Juice what he really felt about him, but it had made him happy simply to hold the boy in his arms now and then, wiping the tears from his face, encouraging him with rough but friendly words. The blow had come when Jax told him about Juice’s betrayal, how he was the one who stole the coke and how he had ratted to the cops. He couldn’t believe it, didn’t want to believe it, but it was the truth and there was no way he could erase that truth. And then he got angry. He got so mad the evening he received the news that he trashed his living room, smashing the coffee table so hard that a piece of glass got stuck in his hand and had to be removed by Tara. Chibs, he had told himself, that’s it, forget the boy, he’s just a piece of shit, someone nobody can trust, someone not worthy of your affection. He had told himself that for days and he got so angry thinking about it that nobody dared to approach him for days for fear of getting their throats ripped open.

Gradually, however, he calmed down. The more he thought about the whole matter, the more he realized that Juice was just a scared, broken kid who had felt so alone in the world that he had seen no other way out of his dilemma. His decisions had been wrong, his behavior had been wrong, but he hadn’t done it because he was a bad person or because he wanted to save himself. He had really thought he could help the club, as dumb as it was. Chibs had realized he could forgive Juice. Jax forced him into this position anyway, blackmailing Juice with his knowledge about what he did to use him for whatever he wanted. Chibs wasn’t happy and he knew he needed time to see Juice as the innocent, kind kid from before but he had made a choice. 

He had cornered him in the garage and beaten him bloody. When Juice made no attempt to flee or to defend himself, Chibs felt proud of him. The desperate look in Juice’s eyes, the hunger for punishment for what he had done made him cringe. Chibs put all the strength he had in his punches, beating him and beating him until all his rage had vanished and changed into nothing. He blinked and looked around himself, as if waking from a dream. And Juice was there lying beneath him, choking and coughing, his face a bleeding mess. “It’s okay now, Juicy”, Chibs had whispered and that was the truth he realized. He had forgiven Juice and now everything would be okay again. Tenderly, he kneeled down beside Juice, drawing him into a slow embrace, kissing his head. “Ye're gonna be alreeght, boy, ye're gonna be jist fine”. 

And that had been it. Chibs had helped Juice to his feet and into the club’s van. He had driven him to his home, put him into his bed and nursed him back to health. He had put ice packs on all the wounds, stitched them up and given him medicine for the pain. He had told Jax that he wanted him to leave Juice alone, that he had done enough to redeem himself by giving them Clay. Jax had protested at first but given in when Chibs had stared him down with grim determination. Juice had paid the price, now it was time to heal. And so Chibs spent the following weeks balancing his days between doing his club’s duties, helping Jax with business and taking care of Juice at home. This had proven difficult because Juice’s heart still was full of fears and self-hatred, unable to believe that he was finally relieved of his role as a rat and traitor. 

“This is not possible, Chibs…I…they will never accept me as a brother again. Especially not Jax.” Juice had whispered one night when Chibs brought him some tea. “It will never be the same…”

“Ye're wrong, Juice. It’s okay now, I’ve talked to Jax an' we agreed: ye're fine now, ye brought Clay down, so yer sins of the past are forgotten. Do ye understand tha'?” Chibs lifted Juice’s chin up and forced him to look him into his eyes. “It’s fine, Juicy-boy. Everythin’s fine now.”

Juice’s eyes brimmed with tears and just then, one single drop rolled down his cheeks, lingering in the corner of the left side of his mouth. Chibs pulled Juice towards him and kissed the tear away. Juice held his breath as Chibs kissed another tear away while stroking the back of his bare head with his strong hands. Chibs’s heart stopped for a second when he lingered over Juice’s lips for a moment and the world seemed to stop, too, their faces just inches away from another. And then Chibs kissed Juice, kissed him fully on the shivering lips, using no tongue. It felt tender and sweet and Chibs felt how Juice’s shoulders tensed with surprise and then simply relaxed with acceptance. Chibs gave him another short kiss and then drew away.

“Sleep now, Juicy. Ye still need a lot of rest. Okay?” He gave him one last quick peck on the forehead while Juice looked up at him with his big brown eyes and then left the room, needing time to process what he just did.

That had been three weeks ago. Since then, the two men had become lovers. After the night in which Chibs showed Juice what he really felt, things had progressed quickly. Juice had brooded a whole Sunday, saying nothing, ignoring Chibs. But suddenly, he had crawled out of the bed and with a few, quick steps reached Chibs, put his arms around the other man’s neck and pulled him down towards him to kiss him desperately. Chibs had let himself be drawn into a long, passionate kiss and from then on everything had been clear. That night they had discovered each other, whispering longing, sweet words into each other’s ears, stroking and kissing and hugging as if there was no tomorrow.

Chibs had never been so happy as he was now with Juice. He spent his days with club business and his nights with his new lover. After months of self-hatred, guilt and fear, Juice discovered that life still could be worth living. Chibs had forgiven him and Chibs had always been there for him. He would never let him go now that he had found him. It would still take some time, Chibs thought as he finally reached home and got down from his bike. Juice would need some time to heal completely, but Chibs would help him with that and with new reassurance, Chibs opened the door to his home, to the home he and Juice now secretly shared.


	2. Home

The house was all peace and quiet. The lights were out. Silently, Chibs made his way through the kitchen, opening the door to the bedroom as quietly as possible. Juice lay there on the bed in a crumbled heap, on his stomach. He was on the point of falling out of bed, his right arm already resting against the side of the bed, his upper body half on the bed, half out of the bed. Chibs made a step towards him, sitting on the bed next to Juice, without making a noise which would wake him. He spent minutes looking at the boy – his boy – whom he had grown to love. Juice was breathing steadily. His face still showed a few bruises from the beating Chibs had given him, but he still looked lovely and sweet and innocent as ever.

Chibs couldn’t resist and reached out a hand to softly touch Juice’s cheek. He caressed the soft skin, tracing the lines of Juice’s face with his thumb. In his sleep, Juice made a small, contented sigh. Chibs smiled a little smile, his heart swelling over with affection for the boy lying next to him. “Come ‘ere, sweetheart”, he whispered softly, “we gotta get ye tucked in before ye fall off.”

And with that, Chibs pulled the sleeping boy up and laid him down properly. He took off his own clothes, leaving only the underwear and leaned against the frame of the bed, positioning Juice next to him so that the boy’s head lay on his lap. “Tha’s reeight, boy, now go tae sleep, I’m here”, he said and after stroking Juice’s head a few times fell asleep himself.

He woke in the middle of the night with a start when he suddenly felt Juice next to him kicking the sheets with his legs frantically while talking in his sleep feverishly. “No, please, I didn’t want to hurt anyone! Please, I didn’t want to do it!” Juice worked himself into a frenzy, his breath getting faster and faster although he still was asleep.

Chibs took the boys by the arms and shook him a little. “Juice! Ey, Juicy! Wake up!”

Juice did not wake up but continued to panic, tears beginning to stream down his cheeks fastly.

“Tha’s eenogh now, lad, snap out of it”, Chibs voice grew louder and when that still achieved nothing, Chibs took the boy’s face in his one hand and slapped him with the other.

Juice awoke with a start, startling them both. He looked around as if to find out where he was while blinking a few times, still breathing heavily. “Wha..?”

Chibs pulled him into a comforting hug. “Calm doon, laddie, ye jist had a bad dream.”

Juice calmed down slowly, seeking Chibs’s eyes with his , looking for comfort. Then, he suddenly pulled out of Chibs’s grasp. “I’m so silly, you must think I act like a child”, he whispered, shame in his face.

“Naahh, tha’s alreeght, sweetheart. I don’t. Evrybody has bad dreams, ye know.” Chibs grinned at him which made Juice smile again. Chibs pulled him back to him, laying an arm around Juice’s shoulder and gave him a quick kiss on the head.

“Wanna talk ‘bout it?”

Juice sighed heavily against Chibs’s chest. “There’s not much to tell, actually. I just dreamed the whole club was after me…everybody knew what I had done….and they wanted to kill me for it….I ran and I ran but they kept coming closer….and suddenly there is no more ground beneath and I am falling and falling….and that’s when you woke me up.”

Chibs nodded slowly, thinking that it was only natural for the boy to have such dreams. “I’m here, Juicy”, he said, “kissing the boys tear-streaked cheeks, “and as long as I am there, nobody will hurt ye.”

Juice nodded, although not seeming to be so sure about that, so Chibs forced him to look at him again and growled “I hereby promise ye this, lad: Anyone who wants to touch ye, must walk over my dead body. D’ye understand tha'?”

Juice looked into his eyes for a long time, really wanting to believe those words. “I love ya, Juice. I do. I’ll protect ye forever, I promise ye this.” Chibs uttered, knowing in his heart that the words were true, that he would die for Juice in order to protect him.

At last, Juice sighed and smiled thankfully, leaning into Chibs. “I love you, too, Chibs. I love you, too.” They held each other for a long time until Juice fell asleep in Chibs’s arms and Chibs waited for sleep to embrace him, too.


	3. Morning Headache

The next morning, Chibs awoke with a light headache. He looked around and saw that Juice no longer lay next to him, but he heard the sound of the shower coming from the bathroom. He pulled himself up, sighing. He badly needed some coffee. He stepped into the kitchen and found a steaming coffee pot all ready for him on the kitchen table. He grinned. “Tha’s mah boy.”

He sat down, poured himself a cup of coffee and waited for Juice to join him. After a few minutes, the shower was turned off and Juice appeared in the kitchen with just a towel around his hips. He hovered in the door frame, smiling a little self-conscious smile at Chibs.

“Morning, baby.”

Chibs looked closely at Juice, trying not to stare at his lean but muscled shoulders, his soft brown skin shining with wetness, the firm, defined chest covered in black tattoos. He couldn’t help himself, he felt aroused just by looking at Juice. He stood up and came close to him, their faces just inches apart.

“Mornin’, laddie”, he whispered huskily, putting his index finger under Juice’s chin, pulling it up. Then he kissed him and Juice fell into the kiss at once, closing his eyes, moaning softly. They stayed that way for a few seconds until Juice finally broke the kiss, staggering away a little. His face was flushed, his breath going faster than normal.

“I thought you’d like some coffee. You’re always so grumpy in the morning when you haven’t had one.” He smiled at Chibs shyly.

“Aye, lad. Ye're right”, Chibs admitted with a grin. “But ye know wha'? There’s one thing I need even more now than coffee.”

He made one step towards Juice again and Juice made one step backwards, ready to play the game, his smile widening.

“Oh, yeah? What’s that?” They had reached the bedroom by now, Juice nearly tripping over the threshold.

Chibs took the boy by his shoulders, strong hands touching strong flesh. “I want you, lad.”

And with that, he pushed Juice onto the bed, lay himself onto him and took his face into his hands. Juice groaned a little at the sudden weight on his body, but the heat radiating off his skin and the hungry look in his eyes betrayed him: he was as aroused as Chibs was.

“Ye're so hot, boy, I could eat ya alive”, Chibs growled into his face and Juice laughed quietly. “Please don’t.” Then they kissed and the morning sun shone through the windows on their already hot, naked bodies while they kissed and Chibs felt as if his world was complete, as if he couldn’t feel any more alive than in this moment with this person beneath him. His headache was gone completely.

Afterwards, they lay in the bed side by side, their heads turning to each other, both smiling happily. “Ye know, Juicy, I think ye're finally ready to go outside again”, Chibs said, opening his eyes. “Jax said he would put ye on light duty, ye only have tae work at the garage, no club business at the moment. Ye think ye can do tha'?”

Juice opened his eyes as well and turned his whole body, laying on his side. He seemed to think for a few minutes, his face serious. “Yeah, I think so. I have to get out of the house already, it’s been three weeks now.”

“Aye, lad, I think it would be good for ya, talkin' to other people an' stuff, ye know.” Chibs looked into his boy’s eyes and saw agreement there. “So ye’ll come wi' me tae the club today? Nobody will bite ya, I promise.”

Juice smiled and nodded. “Okay, pa, if you say so.”

Chibs laughed and jumped on Juice’s back, holding his arms down. “Don’t ye “pa” me, boy”, he snarled, leaning down to bite the boy in the neck playfully.

“Hey, don’t do that!” Juice cried out but he also smiled, Chibs could see and he turned him over so that he could bite his lips. How he loved to tease the little bold bastard.

They took the bikes and made their way to TM. Juice was a little nervous, having not seen anybody of the Sons in the past few weeks and he still seemed to think that they didn’t think of him as family anymore. But when they arrived, all his worries vanished almost completely. The men were happy to see him, every single one of them drawing him into a cheerful hug, Tig even hauling him off his feet as if he was a little child. Jax kissed his cheek while embracing him, whispering into his ear “It’s good to have you back, man.” Bobby still seemed a little distant but he was the only one and Juice couldn’t believe his luck. He had redeemed himself, he was an accepted member of the club again. No more secrets, no more lies.

Chibs observed his boy while he received all the greetings and cheers and smiled happily, knowing that Juice felt much better now and that everything would be okay with him from now on. Yes, club business would still be difficult to handle and there was no way everything would be back to normal in that matter. But Juice was okay again and that was the most important thing now. Chibs felt his heart jump as he saw Juice’s eyes shine with relief and happiness and he had to pull himself together not to cry a little tear of joy.

A few hours later he found Juice at the garage, working underneath a car, his head and upper body completely out of sight. “Juice”, Chibs called loudly, “come out for a sec, will ya?”

Juice rolled back to sight and smiled happily up towards Chibs, his face smeared with motor oil and dirt. “What’s up, man?”, he asked, holding up a hand to be able to see Chibs against the sun.

“It’s awreddy 4 in the afternoon, boy. I’m gonna head up to Stockton wi' the boys for another hour or so but when I’m back I thought we could go out fur dinner, get some meat on ya. It’s been weeks since ye’ve had a good, decent meal.”

Juice thought about it for a moment, then smiled and said “You’re right, Chibs. I think I will let you take me out.” And he winked at Chibs, his eyes sparkling and teasing.

Chibs knelt down next to him, looked around to see if anybody was near and then gave Juice a quick kiss on the head, accompanied with a smack against the forehead. “Now don’t ye get cocky with me, lad.” But they both smiled and when Chibs got on his bike with the others to attend to business he felt himself looking impatiently forward to spending the evening with his little Puerto Rican boy.


	4. Unpleasant Reunion

Chibs picked up Juice at exactly 6 pm. “Let’s take the van, Juicy, alreeight?,” he said, pulling Juice towards the club’s vehicle everyone was free to use.

Juice laughed and opened the door to the passenger’s side. Chibs started the engine and they slowly rolled down the compound, Tig shouting after them “Have a nice time, lovebirds!” and they both smiled. If Tig only knew how close to the truth he was.

”Dumbass,” Juice chuckled and Chibs looked at him, grinning. “Aye, tha' he is.”

They drove for about fifteen minutes when they reached the tapas bar Chibs had chosen for dinner. He usually preferred healthier food, fish and vegetables or a good Scottish stew. But he knew how Juice loved Spanish food and he was happy to let him have what he liked.

“Ye're hungry, boy?,” he asked when they entered the bar, laying an arm around Juice’s shoulders.

“You bet I am!” was the happy reply and Chibs pushed the boy shortly towards himself, feeling the need to touch. But they were in a public restaurant now and he had to be careful how he behaved towards Juice. They had both taken off their cuts but still, their faces were quite known here and the danger was too great that somebody recognized them, noticing the intimacy between them. They sat down and ordered. When the food came, Juice dug into it as if he had been starving. Chibs chuckled, enjoying observing his boy eating like a little wolf while he himself ate slowly and more decently.

After they had finished they just sat and talked. Juice was babbling away happily and his face beamed as he told Chibs how he had handled some customer who had refused to pay what Juice had charged him. “That guy was such an ass but I didn’t give in, you know. I think, in the end he was even intimidated by me, he couldn’t give me the money fast enough.” Juice swelled with pride and Chibs felt tenderness growing in his heart. That boy was still just a kid, but so sweet and eager to be strong, it made him wanting to just press him against his chest.

When it was nearly midnight they decided to leave. They had just left the restaurant when Chibs suddenly felt the urge to relieve his bladder. “Gimme a sec, boy, okay? Gotta take a piss.” He turned and re-entered the bar to use the bathroom. He had drunken so many beers, it took an eternity until his bladder was finally empty. Chibs pulled up his jeans, went over to the sink to wash his hands. He was already looking forward to come home where he planned to undress Juice very, very slowly, kissing and stroking him until he would hear those small moans coming from the boy’s lips that he loved so much, which got him so horny every fucking single time.

He left the bar with sudden impatience, but there was no sight of Juice. He looked around with surprise but it was hard to see in the pitch -black dark. Suddenly, he heard voices, apparently coming from around the corner.

“Such a bonny brown boy, all alone in the streets at such a late time?”

Then, a whistle. “Wooh, boy, watcha doin' here all alone? Wanna come wi' us?”

Chibs quickly turned around the corner and froze at what he saw. Three men had cornered Juice into the alley, standing with their backs to Chibs. One of them, huge and with broad shoulders pressed Juice against the wall with his large body, his arms on either side of Juice’s head, trapping him. He leaned down menacingly towards the much smaller man, pushing his face into Juice’s.

And he licked at Juice’s lips. Juice tried to avoid his touch, panic in his eyes but the other man held his arms in place, leaving him no opportunity to flee. The two other men stood on either of Juice’s side, observing the scene with huge grins on their faces.

“No, please,” Juice stuttered, “leave me alone, please!” The three men just laughed at that. 

Something snapped in Chibs and he saw red. “Get off of him, now!” he growled angrily and with a few, quick steps he reached them. He grabbed the guy who had pinned Juice against the wall by the shoulder, forcing him around. Before he had time to process what he was doing he punched the man in the face, knocking him to the ground. The other guys were so surprised at first, they just stood there. Juice just looked at Chibs with wide eyes, too shocked to say anything. Chibs breathed heavily, his heart racing with anger and anxiety.

“Ye leave him alone, ye hear me?” he forced out of gritted teeth. The man on the ground took a moment to catch his breath, then stood up and looked Chibs in the face. That’s when Chibs recognized him.

“John McAllister?!”

The other man looked surprised, then grinned as he too recognized the man before him. “Filip Telford. How nice to see ye again!”

His smile vanished. They both hesitated for a few seconds, danger lying in the air, and then both sprang into action. Chibs was faster. Quickly, he pushed the other guy against the wall, pulling his knife out of his pocket and holding it to the man’s throat. The two other guys moved to help their boss, but McAllister held his hand up: “Stop it! Stan' back!” They obeyed although they didn’t seem to like it. Juice just stood next to them, still speechless. Chibs quickly pulled Juice behind him with one hand while still holding McAllister with the other so that they couldn’t grab him. 

“Didn’t expect to see ya here, Filip,” McAllister spat out. “How many years has it been?”

“Ten years, I reckon,” Chibs answered and applied some more pressure on the other man’s throat.

McAllister gasped, anger but also wariness in his eyes. “I thought ye were dead.”

“Well, I am standin’ here, ain’t I?” Chibs answered, his mind racing with a thousand thoughts but trying to concentrate on the situation before him.

“I can see tha', Filip. Why don’t ye release me, ey?”

Chibs said nothing and didn’t loosen his grip.

“Wha’s wrong, ey? We’re old friends, aren’t we? Why are ye so angry, for Christ’s sake? We were only playin' a wee bit wi' yer cute friend here.”

Chibs jaw muscles tensed some more and his grip became even more vicious, starting to choke the other man.

McAllister grinned nastily while trying to catch a breath. “What, he yer wee boy toy or somethin'? Ye fuckin' this kid? Tha’s why yer so angry?” McAllister chuckled and his two underlings did, too. Chibs let out a growl from deep within his throat as a warning but the other man would not stop provoking him.

“He’s a sweet wee fella, I give ye tha'. Wouldn’t have thought tha' ye liked them young an' brown but I agree with ye, he’s worth a fuck, I’m sure.” He turned his head towards Juice and winked at him, while licking his lips lasciviously. Chibs felt nausea overwhelming him and he reacted instantly: he slit the man’s left cheek with his knife and then buried two quick punches in the other man’s stomach. McAllister cried out with pain and crumpled to the ground.

His lackeys advanced towards Chibs but he raised his arm with the knife and yelled “Don’t come any nearer or he’s dead!”

They stopped, their faces contorted with rage. Chibs yanked his head towards McAllister. “Take him an' don’t let me see ya again.”

They nodded and stepped towards their boss, each putting an arm under his armpits, dragging him along the street.

McAllister turned his head, his cheek bleeding heavily. “Ye’re an idiot, Telford! Do ye really think this is over? Ye’ll see me again, soon, I promise ye this!”

Chibs stepped towards him with rage in his gaze but McAllister’s guys quickly drew their man away, pulling him into the black alleyway until Chibs couldn’t see them anymore. 

Minutes passed and Chibs just stared into the dark the other men had vanished into. He trembled with rage and had to concentrate on his breathing to calm down. He just couldn’t believe it. McAllister! Here! It was so fucking unbelievable und unexpected and Chibs just wished he could erase the last ten minutes in his mind. His mind was still whirling, trying to process what just had happened, when a hand touched his shoulder tentatively.

“Chibs….hey…are you okay?"

Juice’s voice was just a whisper, uncertainty and worry evident in his tone. He pulled Chibs around and towards him. Chibs breath was still irregular so Juice put his arms around his shoulders and his forehead against Chibs’s forehead. They stood like that for a few minutes, pure black silence surrounding them. Finally, Chibs pulled Juice into a tight embrace, kissed his cheeks and sighed.

Juice looked up to him with his big brown eyes full of questions. “How do you know him? Who is he?”, he started but Chibs put a finger onto his lips and shook his head.

“Shhh, Juicy. Not now, key? I’ll tell ye everythin' but please, let’s just go home now.”

Juice looked into his eyes for a few seconds longer and then nodded. “’key, baby.”

They talked no more. Chibs took Juice by the hand and they walked the few steps to their car. They drove home in silence.


	5. Worries

They came home and still neither of them had said a word. Chibs immediately went to the fridge and pulled two beers out of it. He sat down at the kitchen table, opened both bottles and drank from one of them. He just kept sitting and staring in front of him for a long time. Juice stood next to him, fidgeting nervously. He was obviously quite uncomfortable with the situation and was unsure of how to approach Chibs. Finally, he just stood behind Chibs’s stair and put his arms around him from behind. He kissed his neck tenderly, once, then a second time.

“What’s wrong, baby? Please tell me”, he whispered softly into Chibs’s ears but Chibs just yanked his head away, startling the other man.

“Not now, Juicy.” That was all he said. And then he just continued staring and brooding.

Juice drew back, hurt visible on his face. “Well…if you wanna talk or cuddle or whatever…I’m in the bedroom.”

Juice left, leaving Chibs alone in the dark kitchen. Chibs could hear him taking a shower, brushing his teeth and then crawling into bed. He himself hadn’t moved one bit.

Anger was all he felt and he couldn’t do anything, the feeling remained, causing his stomach to turn into knots, his teeth pressing against each other it hurt, his head pulsing with a fresh headache. He put his beer on the table with force and he cursed. Goddamit, why did this have to happen? Why now, when everything had just become okay again? He had never thought he would see John McAllister again, not ever. That cunt! This monster he once had left behind in Ireland had finally caught up with him and he could feel tears of rage and hatred fill his eyes.

He knew he had to do something. He just didn’t know what. He just couldn’t kill McAllister, it would destroy every connection between SAMCRO and SAMBEL forever. He had been tempted very much to dismiss the voice of reason when he held McAllister against the wall half an hour ago and just kill the motherfucker. But he couldn’t do it. Fiona and Kerrianne were still in Belfast and they would be in great danger when some guys would hear of McAllister’s death. So he had pulled himself together, only hurting the hated enemy a little bit, allowing him to leave. But he couldn’t forget those lasts words. He knew they were true. He knew that he would come for him, or worse, he could come for Juice. Chibs just hated how they had threatened his baby boy, how they had hurt him with their rough hands and their mean words. He had seen the fear in Juice’s eyes and he wished he hadn’t left him alone in that fucking alley. 

Chibs sighed. He hadn’t been fair to Juice, he had to make it up to him. He could decide later what to do about McAllister, for now he had to explain a few things to his boy. He stood up and made his way to the bedroom. Juice sat on the blankets with crossed legs, his head resting on his arms. When Chibs entered, he looked up cautiously. Chibs sat down next to him and began to stroke Juice’s back slowly. Juice’s muscles relaxed a little and he left out a heavy sigh, turning his head towards Chibs, the questions still there in his eyes without him uttering a single word.

Chibs took his face into his hands and looked into his eyes for a long time. “Listen, now, Juicy-boy. That man we’ve jist met is a very dangerous man. I’ve known him for a long time, back when I still lived in Belfast. He was a bastard then an' he apparently still is one.” He let go off Juice’s face, and the other man looked at him with patient earnestness, understanding that Chibs had to tell him something very important.

“John McAllister is a very important man in Belfast. He’s been a member of SAMBEL for as long as I can remember but he is no good man. I discovered tha' when I found out he run a secret prostitution ring. He picked up homeless girls and' boys from the streets an' he forced 'em to sell themselves or he would kill 'em. Made a lotta money tha' way. Shit was I could’nae prove anythin'. I tried tae but he was able tae hide all the evidence an' he also threatened tae hurt Fiona an' Kerianne if I told anyone. I hated him for it, but there wasn’ae anythin' I could do. I watched him kill an' torture underaged kids, for Chrissake, but I didn’ae do anythin'.” Chibs’s voice broke and he trembled with rage as all the memories came back.

Juice sighed again and he took Chibs in his arms, stroking his back soothingly. Chibs just let himself be held although he hated feeling so vulnerable, so helpless. After a few minutes, he broke the embrace, looking at Juice again. “Juice, I’ve gotta take care of this man. I’ve gotta protect ye from him, I know he will come for us.”

Juice’s lips trembled for a second. “What are you’re gonna do, Chibbie?”

Chibs didn’t answer at first, then lay down, drawing Juice down with him, placing his head on his chest. “I don’t know yet, lad. I’ll have tae figure tha' one out.” He swallowed heavily. “I’m sorry, boy, for what ye had tae go through tonight. I’m sorry I left ye alone.” And he blinked a tear away, terribly afraid at the thought of what they could have done with Juice if he hadn’t intervened.

But Juice just propped himself up, planted a soft kiss on Chibs’s trembling lips. “Don’t worry about that, ok? Nothing really happened.” And with that he lay his head once again down on Chibs’s chest and closed his eyes, falling asleep within seconds. Chibs once again felt his heart swell with love and affection towards this boy who managed to make him feel better whenever he needed him to.

“I’ll protect ye, love, I swear I will”, he whispered against the sleeping boy’s head and then he fell asleep himself.


	6. Captured

The next day, when he was at the clubhouse, Chibs pulled Tig over to talk. Jax was far too busy with club business and Bobby was still a little anxious around Chibs and Juice. Tig had always been a good friend and there was a kind heart beneath all that thick layer of clownish freakishness.

“Gotta talk, mate”, he said, drawing Tig into a far corner of the clubhouse.

Tig’s brows furrowed at once as he asked “What’s up, brother?”

Chibs sighed and looked into his brother’s eyes. “Shite’s up. Ran into McAllister yesterday evening, he threatened Juice.”

Tig gasped, understanding immediately. “Shit, that asshole from Belfast? The one with the prostitution thing goin’ on?”

“Aye, tha’s who I’m talkin ‘bout. He is here somehow an' when I saw him threatening Juice I gave him a piece of my mind.”

Tig’s eyes widened even further. “Ohhh, shit man, that’s not good. He will pay you back for that.”

Chibs snorted. “Exactly. Tha’s why I’m talkin' to ye. I gotta find a way to outsmart tha' bastard without killin' him. With all our connections wi' SAMBEL an' Fiona an' Kerrianne back there, I cannae risk anythin' too dangerous.”

Tig sighed, nodding. “You’re right. You can’t off him, it’s gonna make all hell break loose.” They looked at each other seriously, both knowing what kind of difficult situation this was.

“I think I’ll have tae talk tae him. Make some sorta deal so tha' he’s not interested in me an' Juice anymore. Maybe we could offer him some special gun deal. I thought maybe ye could take Rat an' Phil tae find out where he is, offer tae meet him? I’ll have tae keep an eye on Juicy.”

Tig nodded at once, hitting his fists against another. “Yeah, good plan, man. I’ll take care of it.”

Chibs pulled Tig into a short but warm embrace. “Thank ye, brother.”

“No, probs man”, Tig smiled, winked at him and turned to find Ratboy and Phil.

Chibs sighed heavily – it was all he seemed to be doing nowadays. He was very worried about McAllister and he wasn’t sure if his plan was a good one, but it was everything he could think of right now so he just had to go on with it. He made a few quick steps to the garage where Juice was once again working on a car.

“Evrything alreeght, Juicy?”, he asked cheerfully although he didn’t feel cheerful at all.

“Yeah, sure, I’m fine”, Juice answered, smiling at Chibs as if the events of the last evening didn’t happen and there was no evil Irish son-of-a-whore who had threatened to come after them.

“I’ll help ye today, alreeght, Juicy-Boy?”

And Chibs picked up one of the blue TM overalls lying on a nearby shelf, turning towards the small office where Gemma always worked to change his clothes. Juice’s face lit up with surprise, happy that he would have Chibs around him all day. It was very unusual for Chibs to work at the garage, mostly because he was the Sergeant-at-Arms now and had much more important things to do. But fuck it, today was a relatively uneventful day, with Jax being gone to Stockton to visit Tara and he had to keep an eye on Juice, so it was the best decision he could make. It would be a nice for a change to do something as simple as repairing vehicles in contrast to killing, threatening or beating up somebody.

It was 6 pm when Chibs tipped Juice on the shoulder from behind.

“Time’s up, laddie. Let’s go.”

Juice turned, smiled and nodded. They went to change their clothes and got on their bikes. Tig hadn’t been anywhere near the clubhouse so Chibs figured that he was still on the mission he had given him. It was fine, they would talk tomorrow. He was exhausted and simply wanted to get home to eat, take a shower and get into bed with his Juice, lovely, puppy-eyed Juicy.

He waved a goodbye at Happy who walked towards the clubhouse when they left and smiled when Happy gave him a scary grin back. In a few minutes, he and Juice were on the streets and Chibs held his face into the wind, loving how it felt fresh and cold on his hot skin. For a few minutes, he forgot the danger to them, he just enjoyed riding, riding next to Juice and he felt free and strong and perfect.  


Suddenly, he heard the sound of a police siren behind him. He turned around to see a police car pulling up behind Juice who rode a little behind him. They motioned him to pull over and Juice slowed down, obeying at once. _Tha’s strange. He hasn’t exceeded the speed limit, so what could they want with him?_

He slowed down, too, turning his bike just in time to see Juice walking over to the police car to find out what was going on. He stopped his bike just a few feet away from Juice’s, waiting for him to come back. He watched as a police officer stepped out of the car – and froze.

Helplessly, he watched the man strike his gun against Juice’s head, watched as Juice fell to the ground unconsciously, a fresh wound gushing with blood on his head. The man hovered over Juice’s lifeless body and then looked up towards Chibs, looking expectantly.

“What the fuck?!” Chibs cried out and ran as fast as he could, reaching for his gun at the same time.

The strange police officer pointed his gun towards Chibs, apparently very calm. “Put the gun down, man. Or the little one here dies.” And he swayed the gun towards Juice lying on the ground. Chibs stopped in his movements, letting go of his gun at once.

“Wha' d’ye want, asshole?”, he growled, trying to control his anger. He looked around to see if there was anybody but there was nothing but trees and sand and the asphalted road. 

“Gimme your gun”, the other guy said, holding out his hand. Chibs hesitated, but did as he was told. “Knife an' cell, too”, the man continued. So Chibs gave him his knife and cell, feeling more helpless than ever. He looked at Juice lying on the ground, blood trickling down his forehead, unto the dusty earth beneath him, not making a sound. But he seemed to breathe normally, Chibs determined, feeling relief wash over him.

All of sudden, another man stepped out of the car, wearing a cheap suit and sunglasses. “Nice work, Tom”, he said as he nodded at the police officer guy. He stepped around the car and knelt down besides Juice, hands reaching out to feel his pulse.

He nodded again, turning towards Chibs. “Get in the car”, he demanded calmly.

Chibs stared at him angrily. “Wha' is going on…?”

“I said. Get. In. the. Car!” The man looked at him coldly, waiting.

Chibs took a huge breath and stepped towards the backdoor of the car the man was holding open for him. He sat down and watched as the two men felt Juice’s body from head to toe, taking his gun, his cell and his wallet. Then, one of them scooped down to pick Juice up and lay him on the backseat next to Chibs carelessly.

“Might as well take a good look at yer boy while he’s still pretty”, the man sneered, slamming the door shut. Chibs immediately pulled Juice’s head and upper body onto his lap, trying to raise him without any success. Juice’s skin was hot, the blood beginning to dry on his head. Both their capturers sat down in the car and they drove off. 

The ride lasted for nearly two hours, Chibs growing more anxiously with every minute. He tried to raise Juice again and again, slapping his cheeks with gentle force and suddenly, after an hour and a half, he succeeded. Juice woke slowly, immediately raising a hand to his head, drawing in his breath sharply.

“What’s going on? Where are we, Chibs?”, he asked, looking around in confusion.

“Shh, it’s okey, lad, calm down.” Chibs tried to push Juice’s head back onto his lap but the boy struggled free and sat.

“Who are you? Where are you bringing us?” he demanded, raising his voice at the men sitting in the front.

The man in the passenger’s seat did not turn around, he only pulled up his gun to Juice’s head, whistling to himself quietly. The driver chuckled and said “None of yer business, baby. Just keep still an' wait, ye’ll see soon enough.”

Juice swallowed heavily, looking back at Chibs. A sharp pang of guilt struck Chibs by seeing Juice’s frightened look. He should have known better, he should have known that McAllister was one to act quick, goddamit. Now they were here in this fucking mess and he had no idea how he could get them out of it. They fretted in silence for the next thirty minutes until the car pulled up into the driveway of a huge villa, tires screeching.

“Gentlemen. You have arrived at your destination. Please get out of the car.”

The driver chuckled once again, both men drawing their gun on Chibs and Juice. They had no choice but to step out of the car where they were greeted by another pair of armed men at once. They were grabbed and hauled into the villa and Chibs felt sudden fear and panic crawl up his body. He had to do something or they would die, so he kicked and screamed with rage, cursing the men around him until suddenly everything went black.


	7. Prisoners

Chibs woke with a searing pain in his head, gasping and trying to focus on where he was. The pain still lingered and suddenly Chibs felt nausea rising within him and he had to turn on his side and throw up. After a few minutes, his body produced only dry heaves, his stomach completely empty.

Disgusted, Chibs turned away from the vomit, sitting up, taking in his surroundings. He was in a huge room with low ceilings and a hard, cold stone floor. One single bulb filled the room with a flickering, weak light, making it hard for Chibs to completely take in what the room contained. There was no furniture. He looked down and saw that his legs were chained to the wall as were his hands. He was able to move around a little, as both chains held him only loosely, but it was still clear that he couldn’t get away, he was trapped. Chibs shivered, it was very cold in the room and he wished he wore more than his usual leather jacket and pants and his cut.

That’s when it hit him: _Juice! Where was he?_ He took another frantic look around himself but his boy was nowhere to be seen. Panic and fear rose up his chest, almost causing him to throw up again. He couldn’t help himself, he had to let go of some of the anger and so he screamed. He screamed with rage and frustration, willing for somebody to appear and explain to him where Juice was.

Only a few seconds passed until a reaction came. The door was slammed open and three men stepped into the room. As soon as they had reached the middle of the room Chibs recognized them. It was McAllister and the two guys he had with him the night before. McAllister had a huge grin on his face, his eyes gloating with malicious joy. He also had a deep scar on his cheek where Chibs had cut him. He stood in front of Chibs who immediately got up his feet and stared into the other man’s face, his neck craning because they guy was so tall. The two other guys stood next to their boss, folding their arms in front of their chests. McAllister continued to look at Chibs, apparently barely able to contain a smirk.

Then he spoke: “Filip, my good friend! Very nice of ye tae join me here!”

Chibs grimaced and spat onto the ground. McAllister looked amused, then he nodded to the guy left to him. The man grinned, too, before he punched Chibs viciously in the jaw. Chibs slumped to the floor, his face burning with pain. Goddamit, he had to control himself or he would be dead soon.

McAllister knelt in front of him, flashing a fake compassionate smile. “Now don’t get smart wi' me, Filip. I don’t know why ye’re acting so hostile, I thought we were friends.”

Chibs just looked him in the eye coldly. “What do ye want, McAllister? Why did ye bring us here?”

McAllister smiled and stood up again. He began walking through the room, clasping his hands together as if in prayer. “Well, let’s see….what do I want? Hm, hm….” He looked at the ceiling as if there was an answer to this question. He shook his head, continuing to walk through the room. “Ye know wha'? I think I do know wha' I want. For once, I want my face to be smooth again! Patrick!”

He yanked his head towards one of the men who at once kicked Chibs into the stomach. He cringed, fighting hard to control the feeling of nausea overwhelming him. He took a few, quick breaths, concentrating on breathing, just breathing. Then he looked up to McAllister, his face showing no traces of fear or pain. He couldn’t allow himself to show weakness, he had to stay strong.

“Where’s Juice?” he asked hoarsely.

“Oh, so tha’s the name of the cute boy ye’re shagging?” McAllister chuckled and let the question hang in the air for a few seconds, enjoying his power. “Well, ye know, Filip, tae answer yer question: he’s also one of the things I want. So, ye're gonna have tae lend him tae me for a few days, I fear.”

Chibs felt anger overcoming him and he just wanted to punch McAllister in the face, punch him until he was no more than a bloody pulp. But he couldn’t do that. He was helpless. The anger vanished and was replaced with panic. What should he do? He had to something, anything or his boy, his Juicy would be hurt! He pressed his teeth together, trying to think but his head was empty. 

McAllister observed Chibs meticulously, waiting for some sort of reaction. When nothing came, McAllister clicked his tongue and gestured towards the door. The two guys left the room immediately, re-entering after a few minutes. They carried a lifeless form with them, laying it on the floor next to Chibs but still far away enough that he couldn’t reach it. Chibs’s heart stopped for a second. It was Juice that lay there, his Juice. He seemed to be asleep or unconscious and he didn’t show any other wounds or bruises than the ones he had before. They had taken off his cut so he just lay there in his jeans and white T-Shirt, looking small and vulnerable. Chibs knew he couldn’t allow himself to show too many emotions towards Juice or his enemy would take advantage of that. It was just so fucking hard not to cry out and try to touch Juice, to take him into his arms and hold him until everything was okay with them again. Instead, Chibs pressed his lips together and said nothing.

“Wha' did ye do tae him?” he asked quietly.

“Oh, don’t worry, Filip. As of now, we haven’t done anythin' special wi' him, only gave him a mild sedative, ye know. When ye began tae freak out earlier when we brought ye here we had tae convince ya tae keep quiet, ye know. Wouldn’ae want the neighbors tae think badly of us. But yer little friend wasn’ae so happy when we “convinced” ye, so we thought he should sleep a wee bit, calm down.”

McAllister smiled while he told Chibs all this, as if he was telling him a funny little childhood anecdote and not the story of how he had abducted two men and beat and drugged them.

“So wha' happens now?” Chibs asked tiredly.

McAllister motioned his men to leave the room and stepped towards the door. “Well for now, ye can rest a little, I’m sure ye need it. Take yer time, Filip, ye’ve got a lot of it. I’ll see ya later.”

And with that, McAllister winked at Chibs and left the room, closing the door behind him. Chibs stared after him speechlessly, wondering how he could have been so stupid and naïve to bring them into such a mess. His heart felt as if it had turned into ice. He was sure there was hell ahead of them.


	8. Feeling Tired

“Juice. Sweetheart, wake up, please. Juice. Juice!”

Chibs pleaded for a whole fifteen minutes, straining his wrists and ankles in various futile attempts to reach Juice but the chains kept him where he was. He lay down and reached out a hand, just inches away from Juice’s head and it drove him crazy because all he wanted to do was to hold his boy in his arms.

Juice didn’t stir, his body rising up and down as he breathed normally. Chibs just kept laying there with his hand reached towards his lover, feeling weak and pathetic. His head and stomach hurt like hell. He was tired and nauseous. It was only natural for him to close his eyes just for a few minutes, just a little bit so he could think clearly, his eyelids were so heavy…

“Chibs! Chibs! Wake up, please! Chibs!”

Chibs woke with a start, jerking his head up, looking around himself. For a moment he had quite forgotten where he was, but the hard floor and the flickering light reminded him quickly. The pain in his head and stomach were still there. He sat up. Juice was hovering next to him, shaking him, a worried look on his face.

“What’s wrong, Chibbie, are you hurt?”

Chibs quickly laid his chained arms around Juice’s neck and pulled him to his own body, relieved that he finally could touch him.

“It’s okeey, Juicy, I’m fine.”

They held each other for what seemed an eternity. Chibs felt Juice trembling against his body, one single sob escaping his throat.

Chibs kissed him on the forehead. “Don’t worry, lad, I’ll get us outa here, everything will be okeey.” Although he said these words without having any clue as to how he could make them come true, they still had an effect on the boy. Juice sighed heavily and his shoulders relaxed a little.

Chibs cupped Juice’s face in his hands, forcing him to look into his eyes. “I love ya, boy.” Juice’s eyes blinked with hesitance, searching for reassurance in Chibs's eyes...

But then he smiled happily, all their troubles forgotten for a moment, and he whispered “I love you, too, baby.”

Chibs nodded and then leaned closer, putting his lips softly on Juice’s. His kiss was full of reassurance and love and tenderness and Juice received it gladly, giving everything right back to his older lover.

They broke apart a few seconds later, both slightly out of breath.

“Now, boy, I think we’re gonna have tae start planning our escape.” Chibs said.

Juice nodded and he looked around the room. “There are no windows here, Chibs. And only this one door. I really don’t know how we could escape from this room.”

Chibs followed his gaze and had to agree with him. There were no options for them here indeed, only the one door that offered itself as an exit. Juice begun pulling at the chains around Chibs’s hands and ankles. “Don’t waste yer time, lad, it’s no use. Ye won’t get to break these ones here.” They looked at each other, both feeling the helplessness the other one felt.

“Well, I guess, I could hide behind the door and try to put them out when they come in…” Juice began but Chibs cut him off: “No way, Juicy, I’m not gonna let ya do this. It’s too risky an' will only get ya hurt.”

Juice nodded slowly. “But what then? What can we do?” he asked in a desperate tone.

Chibs sighed. “I think I’ll have tae talk tae tha' McAllister cunt when I see him next time. Try to talk some sense into him.” Both of them knew that this was not a great plan but there weren’t any other options offering themselves so they just had to stick with that. Chibs sighed again. “I’ve told Tig ‘bout our little encounter with tha' asshole. He will realize wha’s happened when they notice we’re gone. They’ll find us.” 

And with that he sat down against the wall, pain overwhelming him once again. Juice’s eyes widened a little with worry and he sat down next to Chibs, grasping his hands. Chibs scowled at himself for showing his weakness. He took a huge breath and turned his head towards Juice again.

“Are ye alreeght, boy? That drug they gave ye out of yer system?”

Juice smiled wearily. “Oh, yeah. It’s gone, I don’t feel anything.”

“And tha' thick head of yer’s, how’s tha’ goin’?”

“Oh that? I really don’t feel any pain anymore so I guess that’s no problem either.”

Chibs tried to believe his words…they sounded convincing enough.

“Stop worrying, you crazy Scot.” Juice grinned. “You are the one who’s hurt and I’ll make sure to take good care of you when we’re home again.” He dropped his smile at these last words, eyes shining with concern and affection.

Chibs chuckled and nodded. “Aye, boy. Lookin' forward tae it.”

He had to close his eyes then because he suddenly felt terribly tired. Before he drifted off into sleep he felt Juice leaning his head carefully against his shoulders, stroking his cheek.


	9. The Horror begins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first time ever writing about a) sex and b) graphic violence, so please keep that in mind if it all seems a little shaky. It's really an experiment for me.  
> Also, please excuse the accents, I just cannot let Chibs (and the Irish guys) "speak" normally, that wouldn't feel right, but I have some trouble spelling it, I just hope it's not too bad.

The sound of a key turning and the door opening with a loud squeak woke Chibs. His neck felt very stiff but his headache had finally subsided. His body tensed at once as he watched McAllister and two of his guys enter the room. He told himself to concentrate, to choose his words wisely. McAllister was no dumb brute, he knew he had a sharp mind and a taste for logic and reason - and this was the loophole he hoped he could take advantage of. Maybe he could really persuade this man to let them go if he only offered him a deal which would be too good to refuse.

_Ye're a fool, Filip…do ye really think he’s gonna letya go? He’s a crazy sadist, ye know wha' he did tae those poor kids in Belfast. How can ye even start tae believe tha' he won’t torture ye both bloody? _He tried to stop the voice in the back of his head but he couldn’t. Well, he would at least try, however small his chances were. He just had to.__

“Good mornin', boys. Rise an' shine!” McAllister beamed, raising his hands and shaking them as if was an eager teacher ready to teach his class.

Juice just started to wake up, opening his eyes slowly, his head still leaning on Chibs’s shoulder. McAllister beckoned to one of the men, the one he had called Patrick the day before, and Patrick took the chair he had brought with him and walked towards Chibs and Juice.

“Sean.” McAllister addressed the other man.

Sean nodded and went ahead, too. While Patrick grabbed Chibs underneath the arms and hauled him up to place him on the chair at the far end of the room, Sean pulled a confused Juice away from Chibs and into the middle of the room. Chibs gritted his teeth as Patrick used a thick rope to chain him to the chair so he was not able to move anymore at all. Meanwhile, Sean had Juice in a firm grip lying in the room’s center. Juice looked around nervously, his eyes seeking Chibs’s while also trying to get a hold of the situation.

McAllister watched all this going on, smiling happily.

Chibs decided to use the silence to speak. “John. I know it wasn’ae right wha' I did te ye yesterday. I overreacted.” He took a huge breath, hating having to say what he did now. “I’m sorry. I really am. Please forgive me.” There, he had said it. He didn’t mean those words, he would never be sorry for kicking this motherfucker’s ass, not in this life, not ever. But he had to say it, it couldn’t be helped. Pride or arrogance wouldn’t help them here. Chibs looked up into the other man’s face hopefully, trying to determine whether his humble apology had worked.

McAllister looked into Chibs’s eyes, his smile widening even further. “Ye're sorry now, are ye? Tha’s very interestin' tae hear…very interestin' indeed.” He let his words trail off, pretending to muse over the apology. “What do ye say, lads? Do ye believe him?”

McAllister looked at his two lackeys who both shook their heads instantly. “Ye don’t? Well, tha’s a shame.” McAllister shook his head sadly. “I don’ae believe ye either, Filip. Ye know, that’s gonna be a problem…” 

And he stepped around Juice and towards Chibs sitting on the chair. He squatted down in front of him so that their eyes were at the same level, the man being so huge. It seemed to Chibs as if the blood stopped flowing in his veins, he suddenly felt terribly cold and his heart seemed to beat in his throat. McAllister leaned close to him until he was just inches away from Chibs’s face and for a second, it seemed almost tender, as if he wanted to kiss Chibs on the lips, they were that close.

Instead, he whispered against Chibs’s shivering skin: “Ye know, Filip. That apology’s just not good enough for me. I cannae jist let it slide. Ye’ve wronged me, ye’ve wronged me badly. My men also. So I think ye’re gonna have tae make it up tae me until I can really believe ye’re sorry. In fact, I’m gonna make yer boy pay yer debt, I think he’s jist the right kinda guy for tha'. So please watch an' enjoy the show an' maybe in a wee while yer “sorry” will sound a little more authentic tae me.”

While he had said all this, McAllister’s eyes went colder and colder and when he was finished he moved even closer to Chibs and kissed him softly on the cheek. His lips lingered on Chibs’s skin for a few seconds and Chibs thought he could take it no longer. He suddenly knew that there was no hope for them, that they were totally screwed – although his mind still seemed reluctant to accept that fate.

“No,” he whispered quietly. “Please don’t do this, I’ll do anythin'…”

But McAllister just pulled away from him slowly, his grin reappearing on his face. He simply stood up and shook his head. Then he turned and jerked his head towards Patrick and Sam. Both men grinned maliciously and turned their attention to Juice. Juice seemed to realize that he was in some sort of danger and tried to scramble away, but Sean grabbed him by the shoulders and held him in place. Patrick stood in front of him and grinned, putting his fists together in gleeful anticipation.

And then he punched Juice in the stomach. Juice groaned out in pain, his body clenching. But Patrick was not finished, he struck a second blow into Juice’s guts and then another and then another. Sean let go of Juice’s shoulders so he just fell to the ground, cringing and holding his stomach. He panted heavily, his eyes shut tight as the pain overwhelmed him. Sean and Patrick stood over him, waiting, looking like hungry carnivores ready to strike. They gave him a few minutes and the room was filled with the sound of Juice’s coughs and heavy panting.

Chibs just stared at the scene in front of him and simply hated how helpless he felt, felt hatred rising within him. _Tha’s it, Filip. They’re gonna kill him, there’s no way they gonna let him live. How could ye have done this tae him? It’s yer fault! It’s yer fault tha' he’s dying! _He hated those men hurting Juice and he hated himself but what happened next erased all these thoughts in his heads and left him completely blank ...__

All of a sudden, Sean began to move again and he opened the bottoms of his pants. Patrick copied his action at once. Both of them let their pants drop to the ground, revealing simple black boxers beneath. Patrick grabbed the still coughing Juice by the neck and hauled him to his knees, holding him by his shoulders. Sean took Juice’s head in his hands and forced it near his boxers.

Juice slowly understood what was happening to him and tried to push backwards at once but Patrick held against him, leaving him no room to escape. Sean put his hands at the back of Juice’s head and pushed him against the fabric of his underwear.

“Yeah, boy, come ‘ere, lemme show ya somethin'”, he whispered almost gently and Juice looked up to him in fear.

“Ye’ve got some real nice big brown eyes there, wee fella. I like tha'.” Sean closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling of Juice’s face close to his crotch.

Seconds passed and Chibs held his breath. _Please don’t do it, please don’t do it! Please, oh, please, this can’ae be happenin'…_

But then Sean opened his eyes and yanked his boxers down, letting his swollen member spring free. Juice’s eyes went big.

“Suck it, bitch,” Sean growled, pulling Juice’s face forward, adding more pressure. Juice put his hands on Sean’s hips, trying to avoid the man’s cock, turning his face. But Patrick forced his head back into position and Sean took the time to backhand Juice viciously.

“I said, suck it!” Sean took his cock in his hands and pushed it towards Juice’s mouth. Held by both men, Juice had no way to avoid contact anymore and he winced as the other man’s member touched his lips.

“Open yer mouth, now, lad,” Patrick said from behind and he kicked Juice in the back with his knee when Juice tried to shake his head fearfully.

“Open it, I tell ye or do ye want yer Scottish friend to get hurt?” Sean threatened impatiently.

Juice’s eyes widened in terror and he opened his lips at once.

“Tha’s a good boy,” Patrick said as Sean grinned and pushed his cock into Juice’s mouth. Juice trembled with fear, his eyelids twitching as he tried to adjust to the feeling of a strange cock in his mouth.

Sean leaned his head back and sighed heavily. “Ahhh, tha' feels jist like heaven. Hmm, boy, ye’re mouth is as wet as a pussy.”

And with these words he began fucking Juice’s mouth roughly, holding his face in place with force while Patrick held him firmly from behind. Juice coughed and gagged a lot at first, overburdened with the rapidity of the other man’s thrusts but the men just slapped him again and again so he tried to just take it without coughing. Again and again Sean’s cock slammed into his victim’s mouth, while Sean himself panted heavily, ejecting groans of pleasure every few seconds. After a few minutes he came. With a sudden cry he relieved himself into Juice’s mouth, filling him with his salty, sticky semen.

“Swallow it, boy, swallow it,” he wheezed as the last drops landed on Juice’s tongue and Juice swallowed it reluctantly, trying very hard not to vomit in the process. After that was done, Sean smiled and stepped back to pull up his boxers and pants again. Juice swallowed heavily and looked up to him. Chibs saw shame and fear in his face as well as hope that it was over now.

That hope was crushed when Patrick turned Juice around by the shoulders and said “My turn, now.” And he pushed Juice towards his own throbbing cock and the horror started all over again.


	10. Failure

He had stopped screaming long after it was over. Long after the two men who had used his lover like a cheap whore had left the room, chuckling to themselves, their faces shining with fresh sweat. Long after McAllister had taken a long glance at the situation in front of him, had nudged Juice’s still body lying on the floor with his foot and then winked at Chibs before he too had left the room.

“Not half-bad, I think. A good amount of yer debt is already paid, Filip, I’m feelin' generous today.”

Chibs couldn’t even remember that he had started screaming, cursing, groaning. His wrists felt sore because he had tried so hard to fight the ropes holding him in place. His breath went incredibly fast, in fact it was so fast that he was on the verge of hyperventilating. _Easy, Filip. Breathe easy. One, two, three…alreeght, yer gettin’ there…_ After a few minutes he had managed to calm himself down. He closed his eyes and tried to concentrate on just breathing. He knew if he let his mind stray too far away he would be lost in pain and terror, thinking of the horrible thing that had just happened and threatened to break him from the inside. _Focus. Concentrate. Breathe. Just breathe..._

All these thoughts vanished into thin air as the sound of heavy sobbing tore into his hazy thoughts, making him forget everything about calming down again. His eyes snapped open and the room came crashing down onto him, the flickering light, the low ceilings, himself being tied to a chair. But most of all he was aware of Juice: Juice lying on the floor, crying his heart out onto the cold, unforgiving tiles. Juice clutching his stomach in pain. Juice trembling uncontrollably with fear and humiliation.

Chibs looked at his friend in horror and felt hopelessness wash over him. How he wished he could get free off this fucking ropes so that he could get over and cradle Juice in his arms. How he wished he could hold him and make him forget what terrible things had been done to him. As of now the only thing he could do was talk to Juice so he tried.

“Juice…sweetheart…”

There was no reaction, only further sobbing.

“Juice, please look at me. Shhh, darlin’, it’s gonna be okey, please come over here so I can touch ye…”

Chibs spend a whole thirty minutes talking to Juice soothingly, trying to get him to get off the floor and to Chibs. Juice didn’t react at first but eventually, his sobs grew quieter until they stopped. Then, with a heavy sigh Juice looked up and the sight of him, his tear-streaked face, the look of hurt and pain written all over him, nearly broke Chibs’s heart. He pulled himself together so that Juice would only see reassurance and comfort in his eyes instead of the pity and the sadness that crept into his heart.

“Come ‘ere, sweetheart,” he whispered once again and finally Juice pulled himself up, stood shakily for a few seconds and made the few steps to Chibs.

He did not immediately seek the comfort of Chibs’s touch as he thought he would do. Instead, he knelt down and began loosening the ropes which held Chibs’s ankles, then he stood up again and removed the ones holding his wrists with shaking hands. After he was done, he just turned and crept to the corner of the room and sat down, pulling up his legs and laying his head on his knees. Chibs got up at once and followed him, ignoring his own aching limbs. He sat next to him and pulled Juice to himself.

Juice let himself be pulled into a tight embrace and he leaned into the other man gratefully with his whole body. Chibs held him like a little child and eventually, the tears came back again. This time no heavy sobs, but silent sad tears of desperation. Juice cried and cried and Chibs held him firmly, rocking their bodies back and forth a little, pressing his lips to Juice’s head underneath his chin.

“Shh…sweetheart. Tha’s right, dear, let it all out. Ye're gonna be fine, Juicy, ye're gonna be jist fine. I’m here, an' I’m not goin’ anywhere.”

Thus they sat together for a long time. Chibs eventually lost all sense of time, all that mattered was holding his Juice, all that mattered was telling him that he was safe now. After a while Juice’s crying simmered down. He still clung to Chibs’s body as if he couldn’t bear the thought of their bodies separating and Chibs was thankful because he felt the same.

He was startled a little when Juice began to talk suddenly. “My face, Chibs…it hurts so much.”

Juice held his right hand to his throat as if he still felt the terrible violation it had suffered and his eyes stared into the dark room in front of him as he continued. “I thought they were just gonna beat me up. I’ve been beaten up before, you know? So I knew what was coming and although I was afraid I knew how to deal with it. You just have to take it, you know, and wait until it’s over….”

Juice’s voice was barely more than a whisper and it was on the point of breaking as he said “But I would have never thought that what happened would happen. It almost felt ridiculous, you know? As if they couldn’t be serious, as if they were just playing a game with me. Only it felt so terrible…” His voice cracked and fresh tears welled up in his eyes but they did not roll down his cheeks, they just remained where they were, quivering, and it hurt Chibs to look at him but he did so nevertheless.

“It felt so….oh God, Chibs, it just felt so terrible. I…I’ve never felt so small before, not in my entire life…”

By now, the tears had started falling down his cheeks after all and suddenly Juice let out a stifled cry that went straight into Chibs’s soul and he felt he couldn’t take it anymore but he knew that he mustn’t cry. He needed to stay strong for Juice. If he broke down, too, it would crush Juice. He depended on him to hold him and comfort him and how could he do that if he suddenly turned into a sobbing, whimpering mess?

So Chibs braced himself, swallowed down the undesired tears and held his friend closer to him, stroking his arms, kissing his forehead and cheeks. He held him and Juice cried and cried until all the tears were gone and there was only silence. His breath still went very fast and Chibs continued to soothe and caress him until there was no sound from Juice anymore. Minutes passed until Chibs realized that Juice had fallen asleep in his arms.

Chibs didn’t let go of Juice, he couldn’t let go of him when he couldn’t bear the thought of being separated again. So he held Juice in his arms, rested his chin on Juice’s head and listened to his steady breathing. When he was absolutely sure that the boy was sound asleep he finally allowed his own tears to fall. He cried in silence and his tears dropped down his chin, falling down upon Juice’s face.

But Juice didn’t wake and Chibs put his thumbs on his cheeks to wipe away the tears from the soft skin and to stroke them lovingly. He positioned himself so that he could look at Juice’s face and he thought he had never seen anything more beautiful.

 _He is so cute when he sleeps. He always looks like a little boy, so peaceful as if nothin' in the world could hurt him..._ He bit his lips in sudden frustration when he realized what he had just thought. _As if nothing could hurt him….ye're pathetic, Filip, he’s jist been hurt, ye know tha' very well, so stop acting as if everythin' was fine cos' it’s not._ His throat suddenly felt very tight and he had a little trouble breathing as he delved deeper into his thoughts: _Ye know, it’s yerfault... It’s yer fault they hurt him, ye didn’t do anythin' tae protect him. How can ye call yerself his friend? Ye're despicable! Ye can be happy he still likes you._

Chibs sat there for the rest of the remaining day, working himself up over his guilt and self-hatred. He had failed Juice and he knew he would never be able to make it up to him.


	11. To love and to die

They were left alone for the rest of the day and the night, although they were given a little water to drink. Chibs was grateful for that small mercy. He knew that McAllister loved to play games and that the thing he was doing with the both of them right here was just another one of them, with probably every little detail planned and just waiting to be carried out. 

Chibs sighed. His heart felt heavy, as if it was trying to drag him down and he had to resist the urge to just lie down and wait for it all to be over. Hope had nearly abandoned him completely. He knew that there was no way they were going to get out of this fucking place. There was nothing he could do to stop those bastards from harming them, nothing he could do to protect his boy. He would do anything to draw the attention that surely would be turned to Juice again onto himself. He would take anything on himself if it meant Juice would not be hurt. He would give his life.

Chibs chuckled to himself quietly. When exactly had that daft little monkey managed to creep into his heart and made himself a home there? When exactly had the emotions changed from brotherly affection to a feeling so deep and meaningful that it could only be called love? He loved Juice so much, it hurt. If he could somehow convince McAllister to just kill him and let Juice go, he would do it, he knew. A sudden thought entered his mind and he decided at once to go with it.

He tried to prepare himself for the next meeting with his detested enemy, trying to think of the right words. He tried not to muse too much over how death would feel like. He was okay with dying, he told himself over and over again. He had had a good life: he had went through rough but great times with the boys from the MC, he had married a potent woman and fathered a beautiful, intelligent daughter and last but not least, he had been given the chance to spend a wonderful, if maybe a little short time with his Juicy-Boy. It all amounted to a lifetime worth living and he had always wished not to die an old man, dependent and fragile, but standing strong, standing with his head high.

This sort of death…well, it wasn’t what he had expected and it had come a little earlier than he had thought but he accepted it as a chance and he would take it. He knew all his brothers would respect him for that and would cherish his memory for as long as they lived. He knew that Fiona would accept it, she had always known that it would someday come to this which had been one of the reasons for their separation. He hoped that Kerrianne would not hurt too much, but she was a strong girl and she had a strong mother to help her deal with it. 

The only problem was Juice. Chibs knew that Juice would be crushed over his death. His own heart broke just thinking about Juice crying at his grave, wishing him to come back and protect him, like he promised he would. It hurt. But there was no way to avoid it and it was the only way Chibs could think of to protect Juice. He would fulfill his promise and if it meant his death then so be it. 

He exhaled a long, shaky breath as he tried to concentrate on the words he would say to McAllister. His hand absently caressed Juice’s head which lay on his chest. They had lain there for hours, Chibs sitting up against the wall with Juice curled up in a ball next to him, his body instinctively reaching towards Chibs’s as he drifted in and out of sleep. They didn’t talk. There was not much to say. Both knew how grave the situation was and nobody wanted to say it out loud. The pressure was hard enough.

Juice sensed that Chibs was lost in thoughts and so he let him be. He knew that Chibs was trying to think of a way out of their situation and although there was no escape Juice himself could think of, he was confident that Chibs – strong and powerful Chibs – would think of something. It made him feel safe and protected, in spite of all the things that had happened to them, to him already and he smiled as a warm, fuzzy feeling started to spread out in his stomach. He cuddled against Chibs’s chest and just relaxed. Little did he know of the thoughts of death and sacrifice whirling through Chibs’s mind. 

It was the middle of the night when Chibs finally decided to stop brooding and pulled Juice up to take a good look at him.

“How ye’re feeling, sweetheart?” Yer able tae sleep a little?” He gently lifted Juice’s chin up and tilted it towards his own face. As he bent down to drop a soft little kiss on Juice’s lips he felt the boy tremble with awakening delight.

“I’m alright, Chibs. I’m always alright when you’re next to me.” Juice pulled himself up further and leaned some more into Chibs. “I hope you’re okay, too?” 

He pulled Chibs’s face towards his own and kissed him eagerly, probing him with his tongue, trying to get Chibs to open his mouth. Chibs tried to suppress a smile and failed. After everything that had happened Juice was still happy to kiss him and Chibs was grateful because it meant that the events of yesterday hadn’t had as much as an impact on him as he’d feared.

He opened his mouth a little to welcome Juice’s tongue and he played a little with it, teasing him. Juice sighed happily and shoved into Chibs, his hands searching the other man’s arms and shoulders, eager for the touch. Chibs groaned, feeling his body slowly respond to Juice’s advances. They kissed and touched and for a moment everything was okay again, as if they weren’t in the fucking basement of a fucking Irish kidnapper but in their own bedroom, safe and sound. 

Juice inhaled sharply, put his hand on Chibs’s crotch and began to stroke him softly. Chibs moaned and had to really pull himself together to gently take Juice’s hands and guide them away from the erection pushing against the fabric of his jeans.

“Juice. Juice, baby, stop it.”

Juice stopped kissing him and looked at him questioningly.

“It’s not the time or the place, kid. Here, just lemme hold ya.”

Juice sighed, disappointed but understanding, and let himself be pulled into Chibs’s arms again. He rested his head against Chibs’s chest and they held each other, their heads leaning against one another.

“I love you, Chibs,” whispered Juice, his voice suddenly cracking.

Chibs squeezed him reassuringly. “Hey, it’s fine, darlin', it’s fine, I love ya too.”

He pulled him closer and put a light kiss on his head. “I love ya, sweetheart, I do. Hush now, baby, go back tae sleep.”

Juice did and Chibs just wished they could lay there forever, locked in an eternal embrace, because he knew that he would have to let him go soon and it made the tears come down again, falling down on their entangled bodies until morning came.


	12. The Fool

They came in the morning and Chibs woke with his back and neck stiff from lying against the wall the whole night. He nudged Juice’s head with his own so that he would wake up, too. It took a few moments and Juice looked around confused just as he had the day before.

“Glad tae see ya both awake, boys!” McAllister’s voice boomed from the door. The man stood there with his arms folded in front of him. Chibs willed himself to look the man straight into the eye, his facial expression calm but determined.

“I’m happy ye’re here, John. I have to talk to ye.”

McAllister cocked his one eyebrow and tilted his head to the right. “Ye do? Tha’s interesting! Come on up then, let’s have a good talk!”

He jerked his head towards the door and Chibs stood up. His whole body ached but he was careful not to let it show on his face. As soon as he moved, Juice moved too. Chibs reached out a hand and held him back.

“Wait here for me, lad. It won’t take too long.” Juiced looked at him, doubt and uncertainty in his eyes. Chibs squeezed his hand reassuringly and hoped that his eyes did not betray the fear he was feeling deep inside. Apparently they did not because Juice nodded slowly and let him go.

Chibs stepped towards the door and he was led out of the room by Sean and Patrick on either side of him. McAllister winked at Juice conspirationally and followed them, closing and locking the door behind him. They walked down a long and narrow corridor. There was nearly no light here either and the air was ice cold. Chibs shivered, not only from the cold but also from the thoughts of what he was going to do. He shivered even more when McAllister started whistling behind him. He seemed to be in a good mood. Good, that would only help him with his plan. 

When they reached the end of the corridor, Sean and Patrick grabbed Chibs by the shoulders and pushed him into another room and onto a chair in front of a huge desk. In contrast to everything else Chibs had seen this room was well furnished, warm and bright. There was a lit chimney in the far end of the corner, heavy, red curtains at the windows and several book shelves along the walls. Hell, it looked like a normal, comfortable living room and it almost seemed bizarre, thinking that just a few steps from here, there was another room which was the exact opposite of this one, cold, dark and dirty.

Sean and Patrick closed the door and left them alone. McAllister stepped around the desk and seated himself on the large armchair behind it, facing Chibs. He leaned forwards and clasped his hands together. His eyes scanned Chibs with open interest as if he tried to read his mind.

After a few silent minutes he cleared his throat and addressed Chibs. “Well, Filip? Wha’ do ye wanna talk about?”

Chibs got to the point at once. “John. I know there’s no chance you’ll let us go. So I’m offering myself. Take me an' let the boy go. I will write a farewell letter, make it look like suicide. Nobody will know ye killed me. I will not even defend myself.”

McAllister’s eyes widened a little in surprise and he hesitated before he spoke again. “Take you an' let him go? Hmm…” He lowered his gaze and cupped his own chin as if considering the proposition. 

He took his time and Chibs felt the first beads of sweat rolling down his back as he anxiously awaited the reply. _He will say yes. I just know he will. He knows it’s just too risky tae kill us without any suspicion falling on himself. This way it makes it easy for him. An' he just loves tae have tha' kind of power over me. I know tha' bastard. Me givin' myself up – tha’s heaven for him. He cannae resist, I know he can’t…._ Minutes had passed and Chibs grew tenser with every second, trying to look relaxed and fearless under McAllister’s burning gaze.

Finally, McAllister smiled and spoke. “Ye know. Tha’s quiet an interesting idea, Filip. I like yer line of thought.”

Chibs dared not smile but his heart made a small jump as he hoped McAllister had accepted his plan.

“I like that ye finally realize who’s the stronger of the both of us. Ye seemed tae have understood tha' it’s better not to put up a fight.”

Chibs nodded slowly in agreement.

McAllister cocked his head to the right as he continued. “And yer plan is not too bad, I must say. I know ye would not let yerself be killed easily an' everyone from Belfast tae Charming would know what I’d done to ye. But if you’d make it look like yer killed yerself…it would simply be perfect…..”

Chibs nodded again, trying hard not to look eager.

“Yer boy would have tae keep his mouth shut, of course.”

Chibs chimed in quickly: “Tha’s no problem. He’ll also think it’s a suicide an' he will be sad but he won’t stand in your way.”

McAllister nodded slowly, leaning back in the armchair.

Another few minutes passed and Chibs could barely control his tension. He just wished he could get it over with.

Then, McAllister leaned forward again and looked Chibs in the eye. “Filip, I must say I admire ye. Ye’re willing tae give yerself up an' I always admire braveness in a man. Bravo!” He suddenly grinned mischievously, clapped his hands and Chibs’s stomach turned upside down. “But there’s one teensy wee problem I have with tha’ plan of yer’s….I don’t like it. Ye know, it’s not my plan tae kill ye…”

McAllister stood up and stepped around the desk towards Chibs. “I don’t want ye dead…I want to see ya suffer, I want to see ya break down. I want to see ya down on the floor, begging an' crying….” He approached Chibs from behind and laid his huge hands on Chibs’s shoulders, massaging them slowly. Chibs felt a shiver rolling down his spine and he had to take a large gulp of air, he suddenly had trouble breathing. 

McAllister leaned down and his face rested on Chibs’s left shoulder. “I can’ae let yer boy go, Filip. He’s yer weakness, I’ve seen it in yer eyes, I know what ye feel for him….So I will take him an' I will use him in every possible way an' there…is…nothing…ye…can do…about it.” McAllister softly kissed the back of Chibs’s neck and it seemed as if time stood still.

He felt McAllister’s hands on his shoulders, he felt his hot breath on his neck and when McAllister leaned forward and whispered against his face, only inches away from his, his heart fluttered, his mouth felt dry and a single tear rolled down his cheek. “I will see ye on the ground. An' I will simply love it…” He lingered near Chibs’s face for a few seconds and then withdrew slowly.

Chibs just sat there and breathed heavily. He felt McAllister standing behind him. His heart beat so fast he thought he was having a heart attack. He sat there and knew there was nothing to be done now. Negotiations were over. His plan had not worked. McAllister had him where he wanted him and he was as helpless as a small baby.

When the door opened and Sean and Patrick grabbed his arms to take him back to his room he didn’t resist. He moved as if his limbs were frozen. His gaze was empty and void of emotion. He heard McAllister laugh as they left the room and something within him broke. As they dragged him along the corridor he could only think the same words over and over again. _Fool. Yer a fool. Ye're a fucking fool. I hate you, fool._


	13. The Fool begs

Chibs still felt numb when Sean and Patrick roughly shoved him into “his” old room, making him tumble towards Juice who caught him in his arms with a worried look on his face.

“Chibs!”

Their capturers laughed at them mockingly as they held on to each other for a minute. “Ahhh, wha' a lovely couple! Aren’t they sweet? It’s kinda heartbreakin’…” And they slapped each other on their shoulders as if they had said something especially funny. They fell silent immediately when McAllister appeared on the threshold. 

“Enough! Enough with all this lovey-dovey nonsense! Let’s get this shite done, boys!”

He nodded towards Chibs and Juice and the men stepped forward at once.

Chibs shoved himself in front of Juice, shielding him with his body. “Wait! Whatever ye wanna do … do it tae me!” And he jerked his chin towards them in one arrogant, challenging motion.

Sean and Patrick stopped in their tracks and looked at each other. “Well, look wha’ we got ‘ere!” Patrick grinned and pulled up his eyebrows in mock admiration.

“Got ourselves quite the hero,” Sean agreed and sniggered.

They both smirked at Chibs and stuck their hands into their pants. Patrick took a butterfly knife out of his pocket, Sean on the other hand pulled a crowbar he had had hidden in the back of his pants. They swung their weapons at Chibs provocatively and grinned. 

“Come ‘ere, hero. Show us what’cha got!” 

Chibs had expected something like this and he knew there was no chance he was going to overcome both of these mean brutes - but he at least had to try. He pulled up his fists and advanced towards them. When Patrick lunged at him, raising his knife, Chibs evaded him easily and immediately attacked a surprised Sean, knocking him to the ground. He managed to get a few punches into Sean’s face before he was tackled from behind. Patrick lifted him off the ground and threw him against the wall viciously. Chibs felt dizzy with the impact for a few seconds when he felt the knife pushed against his throat.

“Don’t move or your boy drops dead,” Patrick hissed angrily, while he held Chibs in place with the knife. Sean stood over Juice with the crowbar over his head. “Do ya want tha’? Do ya?” Chibs inhaled sharply and shook his head. “Atta boy.” Patrick took the knife away from Chibs’s throat, revealing a few drops of blood trickling from a tiny cut. Sean lowered the crowbar.

“Now don’t get too rough with him, boys!” McAllister chuckled, seemingly amused by what he saw. “I want him tae be whole an' healthy, so he can enjoy the show.”

His men snickered and Patrick grabbed Chibs by his arm and pulled him upwards.

“Come on, boys. Let’s get them to our playroom.”

They nodded. Patrick grabbed Chibs and shoved him forwards and out of the room, Sean did the same with Juice. They led them along the corridor, this time in the other direction, right into another room. This one was huge, with the walls all painted in bright red and a couple of couches in the middle of the room. There was a table, too, with several different items on it: Chibs identified a few different knives, an axe, a leathered whip, a blow torch, a hammer, a pair of handcuffs – and he suddenly felt very sick. 

The men pushed him and Juice into the middle of the room, followed by McAllister who seated himself on one of the couches with a pleasant smile on his face. He waved at his men graciously and they sprang into action immediately. Patrick shoved Chibs onto the couch right next to the one McAllister sat on, in an angle of 90 degrees. He squatted next to him and pulled up some chains that came out of the floor. With a few quick movements he put them around Chibs’s hands and feet so that Chibs was practically chained to the couch. The chains were so tight that he wasn’t able to move one bit and he stiffened as McAllister leaned over to him from the other couch and put an arm around him.

“Relax, Filip, would’ya? Man, ye’re so tense.” Chibs tried to pull away from him and hissed angrily when the chains prevented him.

In the meantime, Sean had put the handcuffs on Juice. He pressed him into a sitting position in front of the couch and then stood back, looking at McAllister, waiting for the next order. Patrick stepped next to him and did the same. Chibs looked at Juice in front of him and felt the panic rising in his chest. He knew this was not good. He knew that what would happen now would just as bad as what he had seen McAllister do to some poor kids in Belfast. And that had been so bad that he had suffered from nightmares reliving those moments for the ten past years. Juice looked at him with suppressed fear in his eyes. Memories of the past day seemed to come to him and he began to tremble in fear of what would happen now, Chibs could see it. But he also saw that Juice threw a defiant, angry look at McAllister, intent on showing no fear and Chibs was proud of him for that.

McAllister leaned back and pulled his arms up behind him, positioning them on the couch. “Ahhh, it’s nice here. I like it! So let’s play, shall we?”

He motioned towards his men and they both made one step forward when Chibs suddenly raised his voice. “Please, John! Please, don’t hurt him! I’ll do anythin'! Anythin'!”

McAllister made a motion with his hands and his lackeys stopped. McAllister stood up slowly and stepped in front of Chibs.

He looked down at him. “Are ye beggin’ me, Filip? I cann’ae hear ya…”

And he cocked his head sideways, holding on hand to his ear expectantly.”

Seconds passed and then: “Please…I’m beggin’ ya,” Chibs cried out quietly and his shoulders trembled as he looked up to his enemy as if he were a small boy begging his father for some candy.

McAllister leaned down to him and held his face next to his. “Ye know…,” he whispered softly into Chibs’s ear…”tha’s just not good enough for me.”

Chibs closed his eyes as terror overwhelmed him and McAllister walked away from him to sit back on his couch. He held up a finger and pointed at Juice.

“Let’s begin.”

Chibs let out a cry of anguish as Sean and Patrick stepped towards Juice and McAllister settled himself more comfortably in the couch, grinning, enjoying the whole thing thoroughly before it had even really started…


	14. Hurt

Juice’s eyes widened as the men stepped towards him and Chibs could practically feel his pulse increasing within seconds. Sean pulled Juice up from the ground and held him by the shoulders. Juice stared into his face sullenly, ready to defend himself as much as possible.

Sean grinned. “For starters, ye’ll have tae lose that shirt.”

And he grabbed the hem of Juice’s white T-Shirt and pulled it over his head. It was a bit of a struggle to get it around the handcuffs, but then it was off, thrown to the floor. Everyone in the room now stared at Juice standing there with his upper body naked and Patrick let out a long, appreciating whistle. “Have been workin’ out a lot, have ya? Nice!” 

And he stepped towards Juice too and reached out both hands to touch him. Juice winced a little and raised his eyes to the ceiling but stood still. Patrick’s hands ran down his shoulders, his arms, his pectorals, his abdominal muscles. He licked his lips and stepped even closer. Juice made one step backwards but Sean stepped behind him so that they had him trapped between their bodies. Patrick raised his hand and began to stroke Juice’s cheek tenderly while Sean embraced him from behind, letting his hands run over Juice’s stomach slowly. Juice’s face tensed up and he tried to wriggle out of their embrace but they held him in place. They stayed like that for a few minutes and Chibs held his breath anxiously, waiting for the blow which was sure to fall.

He didn’t have to wait long. Suddenly, Sean kicked Juice in the hollow of his knee and he went to the floor with a short cry of pain. At once, Patrick sat down on his shoulders, pinning him to the floor onto his stomach while Sean reached under him to unbuckle his belt, open his front bottoms and push down his jeans. Juice was completely naked now, except for the boxers he had worn under his pants.

“I really dig this boy, Patty,” Sean said, “he’s a feast for the eyes!”

Patrick nodded his head in agreement. “Aye, ye’re right. I think we’ll enjoy this one.” They snickered.

“Remember boys! I want him to stay pretty so don’t ye touch his face!” McAllister warned them from his place on the couch and his men both looked at him obediently. “Aye, boss!” 

They pulled Juice up to his feet again. Sean went to the table and took two knives from it, handing one to Patrick. Slowly, they began to circle Juice who tried to follow their movements but was unable to keep track of both of them. They kept circling, gritting their teeth at him as if they were lions and he an antelope they had chosen for their prey. Sean licked his lips while he sneaked around Juice, watching him closely and playing with the knife in his hands.

“Let’s play a little, baby, shall we?”

Suddenly, he jumped forward and slit Juice’s chest. It was only a small cut but Juice cried out nevertheless. A tiny drop of blood rolled down his body.

“No!”

Chibs nearly sprained his wrists as he tried to fight the chains around them in vain.

McAllister chuckled. “Relax, Filip, will ya? It has only begun.”

The men kept circling Juice and then, to Chibs’s utter despair, they both started lashing out, again and again, slitting Juice’s chest, arms and legs repeatedly until he was a bleeding mess. All the cuts were only superficial so they meant no real danger but they hurt nevertheless, Chibs could see it, and he howled every time Juice cried out in pain. He grew weaker with every cut and after the tenth or twelfth time he closed his eyes and crumpled to the floor. Sean and Patrick stopped in their tracks at once and just looked down at him. Quickly, a puddle of blood had spread out underneath Juice’s body and Chibs’s heart broke at the sight of it.

“Please! I beg ye, John! Spare him! Take me, hurt me, kill me, but please – stop hurtin’ him!”

He didn’t care if his dignity and pride were totally lost now as he looked to McAllister in agony. He only cared for his Juicy lying on the floor bleeding and he would have done anything if he could take his place and release him of his pain. But the man he begged to just cracked a smile and shook his head.

“As much as I love to hear ya beg, Filip…please shut the fuck up! I wanna enjoy this without any disturbance from ye, so be quiet or he will suffer for it!”

So Chibs pressed his lips together and said no more, although he couldn’t suppress several moans and cries as he saw what they did to Juice now. 

Sean had put down both their knives back on the table and picked up the whip in its place. He smacked his lips and advanced towards Juice again. There was a flicker of perverse excitement in his eyes and Chibs didn’t like it one bit. Sean pulled back his arm and _Wham!_ \- the first strike hit Juice in the back with all its might. Juice cried out and this time his cry wasn’t short or muffled but loud and long. The second strike followed quickly and then the third and then there was just a haze of movements and cries and Chibs couldn’t see clearly anymore because tears clouded his visions and his throat felt so tight that he had to struggle to breathe. The whip fell and fell and fell and Juice screamed every time and Chibs screamed too, unable to bear the pain of his lover any longer, he was sure he would burst with despair any second.

He didn’t notice that Sean had stopped until he gradually realized that Juice had stopped screaming. He just lay there, his chests heaving up and down fast, his breath sounding ragged and irregular. Chibs’s own screaming changed into a desperate sobbing. He lay down his head onto his knees and just sobbed away. Minutes passed and there was no sound but that of Chibs’s sobbing. Then, McAllister snipped his fingers and Sean and Patrick picked the unconscious Juice up off the floor and carried him out of the room. 

It took a few minutes until Chibs had calmed down enough to be able to raise his head and look McAllister in the eye again. He didn’t say anything but his eyes flashed with hate and despair and McAllister’s own eyes shone with triumph and something very close to madness. His mouth twitched in excitement and formed into a very satisfied smile.

“Now how did ye like it? I must say, I am quite happy how it turned out. Looking forward tae next time.” Chibs’s eyes followed him as he stood up from the couch and stretched out his arms, faking a yawn.

“I’m tired now, Filip, so I guess we’ll leave it for tonight. See ya tomorrow then, aye?” He walked across the room and opened the door. 

“Wait,” Chibs called out sharply.

McAllister turned and smiled. “Yes, Filip?”

“Where are ye takin’ him?”

“Oh, well. I daresay he seems a little worse for wear…so he’s in the infirmary tonight. Don’t want him to get wasted too quickly, now, would we? Good night, Filip, sleep well.”

And with a last pleasant smile McAllister left the room. Chibs’s shoulders slumped down immediately and he began to cry to himself quietly. He had expected horrible things to happen as soon as McAllister had turned down his offer. But he would have never imagined it would feel so incredibly terrible to watch Juice get hurt. Images of Juice lying on the floor, Juice screaming in pain, Juice bleeding…they kept replaying themselves in his head mercilessly until he thought he was going crazy.

His whole body screamed for something, somebody it could release its tension on. He wanted to hurt somebody. No, he wanted to kill somebody. If he ever got the chance he would do anything to kill McAllister and his men. He would die for that chance. He worked himself up into the hatred so much that his eyes began to tear, his hands curled into tight fists and suddenly he felt blood on his lips. There was a strange, coppery feeling on his tongue and the taste of his own blood made him even thirstier for the blood of others than before. He tried to shove aside all images of Juice hurting and concentrate on his hate for his enemy instead. But eventually, he failed. Juice kept reappearing in his thoughts.

After a few minutes he gave up and let the feelings of despair and sadness wash over him completely. He spent the rest of the night crying. He didn’t sleep at all, mostly because he knew this wasn’t over yet. It was far from over.


	15. A Fun Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was incredibly difficult to write. But I had to do it in detail or the rest of the story would not make much sense. Read at your own risk!

When they brought Juice back into the room the next morning, he appeared pale and shaky and he wasn’t able to stand or walk alone without the help from Sean and Patrick. But when Chibs looked into his eyes he discovered there was still a fire there, a spark of pugnacity in them, and he was thankful for it. Juice wasn’t broken yet.

“Come ‘ere, laddie.” The men dragged the handcuffed Juice into the middle of the room again and when they laid him down he spat at the ground in front of them.

“Fuck you!” he growled.

They laughed at that but then Patrick reached down and backhanded him. They sat on one of the couches and waited for McAllister to appear. Chibs tried very hard not to stare too much at the weals and cuts which showed on Juice’s whole body. It reminded him too much of the pain his lover had had to endure and it still made him sick to think of it.

Juice shifted on the ground to be able to look at Chibs. Chibs was dog tired and sad and angry but when he saw Juice trying to catch his eye his face lit up instantly, even more when Juice threw him a tentative smile. For a moment Chibs forgot where he was and he actually winked at him. Juice blushed. Chibs chuckled. _Here we are, in a fuckin’ prison cell, goin’ through hell, an’ we’re actually flirtin’ with each other._ But then he got serious. He threw one side-glance at Sean and Patrick and then just decided to do it.

“How are ye, Juice?” he asked loudly.

“Well, he’s fine, Filip, don’t ye worry.”

McAllister had entered the room and reached them in a few quick steps. He squatted down next to Juice and stroked his cheek gently.

“We took good care of him, put some antibiotics on his wounds, gave him a few pills. I don’t think he has reason to complain.”

And he raised his eyes at Juice inquiringly. Juice just stared at him defiantly and said nothing. McAllister chuckled and got on his feet again.

“We’ll have tae teach the boy some manners, I fear. Boys, he’s all yer’s.” And with that he took the place of Sean and Patrick who stood up from the couch and advanced on Juice again.

As they pulled Juice up from the ground, McAllister leaned towards Chibs again. “Ye know, Filip, I have forgotten tae tell ye the rules of this game. I play a strict game but I don’t wanna be a spoilsport. So I will allow some fun, too. Basically, we’ll have one work day and then we’ll have one fun day. Ye know, so the days alternate. Stick-an’-carrot-method. It worked very well with my babies back at home. That way they learn who’s in charge an’ they learn tae obey – but they learn to like it. They’re happy tae obey when I’m finished with ‘em.”

Chibs eyed his enemy warily, trying to figure out what McAllister wanted to tell him. It could be nothing good, he was sure.

“Yesterday was a work day. Yer boy was shown who’s boss. So today’s gonna be a play day.” McAllister winked at Chibs mischievously and then gave his men who had waited for him to finish his little speech a nod.

Chibs’s heart began to beat faster again when he saw McAllister’s men moving their hands up and down Juice’s body. He saw how Juice tried very hard not to let the panic and fear show too much on his face when Sean grabbed his chin and pulled him into a rough, merciless kiss. He tried to avoid him but Patrick held his head from behind.

“Open up, baby…ye know the drill,” he whispered into his ear.

Reluctantly, Juice opened his mouth and let the other man’s tongue invade his mouth. Patrick stroked the back ofhis head tenderly and suddenly he bit him in the neck, as if he was a vampire.

“Ahh, fuck!” Juice moaned in pain but Patrick kept biting. When he pulled his head away for a second from Juice’s neck, Chibs could already see red marks there. Sean pulled out of Juice’s mouth and sighed.

“Baby, ye taste fuckin’ fantastic. Now get down on yer knees.”

And he pushed Juice down onto his knees with force. Juice’s eyes quivered and he looked up pleadingly. “Please. Please don’t make me do it again. Please!”

But that only amused Sean and Patrick more and they pulled down their pants and boxers, their erections very obvious.

“Ye’ll do us both at once, boy.” Patrick stepped next to Sean and they looked at him expectantly. Juice looked up to them, from one face to the other, hoping to find a trace of mercy or pity there. But there was none.

“Come on, baby, we’re waitin’,” Sean growled impatiently and he rudely grabbed Juice’s head and yanked him towards him. Juice looked at the two cocks in front of him and it was obvious he was on the verge of tears. 

“Do I have tae remind ya wha’ happens when ye don’t do what we say?”

Juice looked at McAllister and was terrified to see him pointing a gun at Chibs’s head. He immediately turned his head and took Sean’s swollen member into his mouth. Sean groaned lustily and grabbed Juice’s head to fuck him. After a few minutes, Patrick tapped Juice’s head and Sean let him go so that he could take Patrick’s cock into his mouth now. Again, a few minutes passed until Sean demanded his turn again. Chibs was forced to look at the scene before him and nausea washed over him again, even more when he noticed McAllister stroking his own growing erection through the fabric of his pants.

They went on like that for a while and both men groaned and moaned as they fucked Juice in the mouth. “Tha’s a good boy. Ye’re like a whore, only much better.” “Take it, baby, take it all the way.” “Come on now, boy, take yer teeth away or I’ll slap ye.” Juice did what he was told but his eyes glistened with unshed tears and his whole body trembled as he tried to cope with what was done to him.

Suddenly, Sean pulled away from Juice’s mouth. “Tha’s enough. Time tae go on. Boss.”

They looked at McAllister who at once got up and went to them. He pulled down his own pants and he was naked underneath. He looked at Chibs whose mouth was gaping open as he realized what was about to happen.

“Ye didn’t think I was gonna leave all the fun tae my men, did ya? Now tha’ would be truly unfair, after all, I’m the man in charge here.”

And he went down on his knees in front of Juice who looked up to him with rising terror in his face. “Turn around boy. On all fours,” McAllister demanded and when Juice did not react Patrick grabbed him and forced him into position. McAllister pulled down his boxers and laughed.

“Nice ass! I must say ye’ve got good taste, Filip!”

Juice’s breath increased and Chibs could see Juice was about to slip into full panic mode. But suddenly Sean and Patrick stood before him and when they saw his face they slapped him. Patrick grabbed his chin and forced him to look into his eyes.

“Now, listen, boy! Ye stop struggling an’ jist take it! D’ya hear me?”

Juice struggled free and shook his head frantically. Sean backhanded him once again.

“Do it! Or d’ya want us to put a bullet in yer Scottish friend’s head instead?” Juice shook his head again, this time more slowly, and the tears streamed down his face as he accepted his fate. 

He winced nevertheless when McAllister slapped his cock against his bare ass a few times. Chibs closed his eyes. He could not watch this. He just couldn’t. But when he suddenly heard Juice scream out in terror his eyes flew open automatically. And he cringed at what he saw and his eyes began to tear at once. McAllister had buried himself deep into Juice. There had been no preparation, no lubrication, nothing. He began to thrust into Juice quickly, mercilessly. Juice’s eyes widened as the pain hit him again and again. McAllister panted and grunted as his grip onto Juice’s hips tightened. The other two men watched Juice being fucked with open excitement and their own erections began to stab Juice in the face. “Yeah, bitch, suck it!” Sean wheezed and he pushed himself into Juice’s mouth again. Juice gagged and coughed, having trouble adjusting to both men thrusting into him at the same time. Sean backhanded him.

“Stop tha’! Concentrate!”

Juice tried to satisfy both men as good as he could but he couldn’t help but cry out in pain every few seconds. McAllister increased his pace and suddenly he reached forward and grabbed Juice’s throat from behind. He laughed hysterically as he slowly choked Juice while he was fucking him. Juice’s eyes widened as he tried to gasp for air but Sean’s cock prevented him from doing it. His lips turned blue and he desperately raised a hand to his throat. Then, a sudden long groan from McAllister indicated he was reaching his orgasm and he pumped into Juice madly. He squeezed Juice’s throat one last time when he came, his eyes all open with lust and voracity, before he finally let him go.

Sean pulled out of Juice’s mouth and came all over his face, spraying his lips, eyes and forehead with his cum. He received another load when Patrick who had jerked off the whole time also came onto his face. Finally released from all the pain and pressure, Juice gasped and crumbled to the ground, still trying to breathe. McAllister and his men stood up and let him lie on the floor. Juice panted heavily as he clutched his midsection in obvious discomfort. Blood trickled down the back of his legs and fell down on the floor beneath him, turning it dark red where it fell.

McAllister looked at Chibs and laughed heartily. “No, Filip, did ya enjoy the show? We had a lotta fun, I must say. Yer boy’s great! Totally worth it! Wanted to try him since I first saw him waitin’ for ya on the street. Tha’ tasted soooo good.”

He licked his lips and left the room. Soon after that three other men came in and pulled Juice up from the ground. Juice struggled and shirked away from the touch, his eyes wide with panic and terror.

“No! No, don’t touch me! Go away! Chibs! Chiiiiiibs!” He screamed and tried to look at Chibs when they dragged him out of the room. Chibs laid his head in his hands and tried to shut out everything around him.

“I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry,” he whispered into his hands and then the door was shut with a loud bang. He was alone again.


	16. The Broken Heart

_Stupid. Ye’re so stupid, you should wear a sign on your forehead, warning other people. What is goin’ on in tha’ sick stupid head of your’s? What were you thinkin’, ridin’ all out in the open with Juice? Ye should have known that he would try to take us at the first chance he had. We were unprotected game out there, hell, we put ourselves on a silver platter for him, ready to be picked up. No, wait, **you** put us on a silver platter. Juice didn’t know McAllister, he didn’t know what kinda man that is, how far he would go to take revenge…But you do. You’re the one who saw what he did in Belfast, you’re the one who knew what he was capable of. Ye should have known, ye shouldn’t have known better than to be so stupid and naïve to believe that McAllister would leave us alone, even if only for one day…Face it, Filip. It’s your fault – and only your fault – what happened to Juice. He’s hurt and broken because of you! How can he ever trust you again? You’ve failed him. You destroyed him. You destroyed him. You destroyed him…_

On and on, Chibs thought the same thoughts and they got bigger and louder every time he thought them. The guilt gnawed at him from inside and made him feel sick. He was overwhelmed with disgust for himself. By now he had given up every hope of possible rescue for them. He had told Tig about McAllister, but apparently Tig hadn’t understood how serious the problem was or maybe they just weren’t able to locate them. After all, McAllister wouldn’t be McAllister if he didn’t know how to cover his tracks, so it was only logical that the Sons weren’t able to find them.

He tried to tell himself to face it. They would die here and they would die slowly. After what happened here the last two days, Chibs was sure that McAllister had all intentions of killing Juice before him. He wanted to make him suffer as much as possible. His heart broke a little more each time he thought of the torture Juice would have to go through, torture he hadn’t been able to save him from. 

There was no way out and after Chibs’s mind had faced this outcome for the hundredth time it turned dull and slow. It was the only way to cope. He knew he would go crazy if this went on for too long. A small part in him hoped he would go crazy so he wouldn’t have to face this agony with a clear mind. He knew that was foolish and cowardly, but he couldn’t help hoping nevertheless.

More than that, however, he hoped he would be strong enough to help Juice through. And if it only meant telling him a comforting word now and then or showing him what he meant to him with a look from his eyes…he would do that as best as he could. He would also try to persuade McAllister to give him some time alone with Juice. He would give his right hand for that, so maybe there was a small chance…

His thinking was interrupted when the door was opened. The three men from before dragged Juice back into the room in front of Chibs. Juice looked paler and thinner than the day before and his eyes were dull and empty, there was no fire in them today. The men laid him down and left the room at once. They were alone. That was his chance! Chibs couldn’t move his hands because of the chains so he tried to raise Juice’s attention by speaking to him.

“Juice. Juice, baby, I’m so glad to see ya. Please, look at me.”

Juice didn’t move at first and just lay there. But when Chibs continued to beg and implore insistently, he slowly raised his head and looked at him. “Tha’s good, love, now come tae me, please, let me touch ye.”

Juice blinked for a second and Chibs thought he hadn’t understood what he had said or he hadn’t heard him. But then Juice’s eyes cleared and he got on his knees in front of him.

“Chibs…,” he whispered so quietly that Chibs had to strain his ears to hear him. “I’m so…happy…to see you.”

Juice raised his head and he looked Chibs fully in the face with tears in his eyes. Chibs made a movement with his hands and Juice laid down his head onto Chibs’s knees immediately. He began to sob into his lap and Chibs’s chains allowed him to lay his hands onto Juice’s head and stroke him tenderly.

“Shhh, sweetheart, shhh…..I’m here for ye, I’m here.” He wished he could hold him in his arms and press him against his chest so that Juice could feel how much he loved him. But he couldn’t, all he could do was look at his half-naked, battered body as he stroked his head and he asked himself not for the first time since they came here how anyone could do that to anybody and still be human. 

Juice’s sobbing quieted down after a while but Juice kept his head in Chibs’s lap, apparently unable to let go. Chibs continued to stroke him and whisper to him encouragingly and Juice’s breathing became steadier with every minute. Finally, he raised his head and looked at Chibs.

“You know…the only thing that helped me through the night was the thought of you. I couldn’t sleep and my whole body hurt and it was so terrible to think about what they did to me…I thought I would go crazy just by thinking about it the whole time…but then I thought about you and how you told me you loved me and I felt better immediately.” Juice’s eyes pierced into his imploringly. “You do love me, Chibs, right?” His voice was just a whisper and his whole body was trembling but his eyes never let go of Chibs’s.

Chibs took his hands onto his own and squeezed them as hard as he could. “Juice, listen tae me. I will say it now an’ I will say it as often as it needs to be said so that you’ll understand: I love ya, Juicy, I love ya wi’ all my heart, my whole body, I adore ye, please believe me, I mean it!” And he managed to lower his head despite the chains and push it against Juice’s. “The whole world could break apart and I’d still love ye, Juice, I swear…”

And he nudged him with his head until Juice looked up to him. A tear rolled down his face when Chibs leaned into him and gave him a long, loving kiss. Juice responded at once, kissing him back feverishly, longingly and Chibs’s heart leaped with growing tenderness. 

“Am I interruptin’ somethin’?”

Suddenly, McAllister appeared in front of them, right behind Juice, and he was grinning down onto them with open satisfaction. They pulled apart at once and Juice scrambled away from the couch as far as possible, away from McAllister, his eyes wide open with fresh fear and panic. McAllister guffawed but he didn’t follow him. Instead, he sat next to Chibs and lay his arm around his shoulders.

“Filip, my good friend. Wouldn’t have thought ye’d be the romantic type!”

Chibs just stared in front of him, his shoulders tightening under McAllister’s touch. “Get away from me, ye bastard,” he growled.

His enemy chuckled. “Now, come on, Filip, tha’s not fair. I try my best to play a nice game with ye an’ ye treat me tha’ way.” He leaned some more into him to be able to speak into his ear quietly. “Ye know what day today is? It’s a work day again. Yer boy’s in for a treat, I fear. He hasn’t been tha’ good yesterday, not obeyin’ us at once when we gave him commands…so he has to be punished today. And ye know what? You’ll be the one to punish him.”

Chibs couldn’t help himself, he turned his head and looked at the man besides him with rising panic. “Wha’ do ye mean?”

McAllister put his face a few inches from Chibs’s, smiling smugly. “Wha’s not tae understand? Ye’ll teach him a lesson - right here, right now.” And he stood up and sat down on the other couch, leaning back with obvious anticipation. 

Suddenly, Sean and Patrick were there and they released Chibs from his chains with a few quick movements.

“Get up, asshole,” Patrick snarled and Chibs obeyed him hesitantly. Sean made his way across the room and grabbed a struggling Juice by the arm, dragging him across the floor. He let him go right in front of Chib’s feet and Juice looked around in confusion. Chibs felt just as confused when he felt something being pushed into his hands. He looked down and saw the whip. The whip they had used to beat Juice two days ago. Here it was and it was obvious they wanted him to use it. Use it on his Juice.

_No! No, I cannot do it! I can’t! They can’t make me do it! I won’t do it!_

But then he saw Sean pull a gun of his pocket, saw how he pushed it against Juice’s head. Juice gasped and closed his eyes. Moments passed and nobody spoke.

Then, Sean raised his voice. “Do it, man. Or baby boy is gonna die. Now!” And he raised the gun a little, knocking it against Juice’s head and Juice let out a small cry of pain.

“You better hurry, Filip,” McAllister said behind him. “My boys are not known for havin’ a lot of patience.” Chibs raised his head and looked Sean in the face, trying to evaluate if the man would really carry out his threat. Sean’s eyes were cold and hard and there was no mercy there, only hate and determination and blood lust and Chibs knew that there was no way out of the situation.

“Do it now,” Sean shouted and he cocked the weapon, making Juice wince at the sound. 

Chibs’s guts tightened as he made his decision. He nodded slowly and the men backed away from them. Chibs waited a few seconds longer, his heart beating harder as he tried to push himself to move. _Ye have to get it over with. Just do it! Make it quick! He knows ye have to do it! Do it, just do it! Do it now, moron, or they’ll shoot him after all!_ And he raised his hand with the whip in it and made one step towards Juice. 

Juice’s eyes widened in terror as he realized what Chibs was about to do and he scrambled backwards frantically, shaking his head again and again. “Chibs! What are you doing? Chibs!”

Chibs swallowed heavily and made one more step. “Forgive me, Juice. I have tae do it. I’ll make it quick.”

And he raised his arm over his head, trying to ignore the pleading look Juice gave him, looking at a point over his head instead. Before he knew what he was doing, his arm fell down and the whip ripped into Juice’s flesh just above his left knee, making a loud noise as the leather hit the skin. Juice cried out in pain and Chibs stopped in his tracks immediately.

“Go on. I thought ye wanted to make it quick for him? So do it.” McAllister’s voice mocked him from behind.

Chibs’s chest heaved as he looked down at Juice lying on the floor beneath him, looking up at him and Chibs felt a sharp sting in his heart when he saw the look of betrayal in Juice’s eyes. _Don’t look at him. Just do it, get it over with! Come on, goddamit!_

He braced himself and raised his arm once more. And when his arm fell down another time and another and another, his mind went blank. He thought of nothing, just knew instinctively that he had to be quick and so he did his deed quickly. His arm fell and fell and his breath increased with every stroke, soon he was bathed in sweat and still he kept on lashing out. He ignored the cries of pain and anguish he perceived vaguely, trying to breach his consciousness. He pushed them away and concentrated on just moving. His arm eventually got heavy and tired with the effort but he ignored it and kept going. _Ye have tae be quick. Ye have tae be quick. Do it! Do it!_

Suddenly, he couldn’t move his arm anymore. He was confused, he had to go on or they would kill him and he tried to struggle against whatever tried to hold his arm. But then there was a pressure on both of his arms and on his shoulders, too and he couldn’t free himself! He growled with anger and frustration. He felt himself being pulled backwards and suddenly, he was face down on the ground and there was a huge weight on his back. He waited a few seconds and then shook his head. He blinked and all of a sudden, he was aware of everything.

He was aware that he was lying on his stomach and one of them, he couldn’t see which one was sitting on his back, holding him down. He was aware of Sean standing in front of him, a look of surprise on his face. He turned his head and saw McAllister standing right next to Sean, shaking his head at him slowly. He told himself to calm down and he went still, trying to figure out what had happened in the last few minutes. Patrick who was sitting on him relaxed when he felt the man underneath him calm down and he stood up, releasing him of his weight.

“Filip, Filip, Filip.” McAllister still shook his head, his brows furrowed, but the corners of his mouth already started to pull into a strange, twisted smile. “What is wrong with ye? I told ya to punish yer boy but what ye’ve done here…Tha’s sick! Really, beatin’ him like that’? Ye’ve damn near killed him!”

McAllister chuckled and Chibs’s heart stopped for a second. _What? What is he sayin’? I couldn’t have…or could I? Fuck, the last few minutes are just a blur, I don’t know anythin’….could it be true?_

And he sat up and turned his head frantically, searching the space behind him. When he recognized Juice’s body lying a few feet from him, his heart stopped again. There was Juice, lying on his side, beaten into a bloody pulp, a myriad of cuts showing on his skin everywhere. He was unconscious and even on his face there were a few cuts visible.

 _My god. I did this. I did this to him._ And Chibs turned on his own side and threw up. There wasn’t much in his system and after a few seconds, only water and bile came out of his stomach. When nothing would come out of him anymore, he got up on his elbows, trying to find the strength to get up while his whole body trembled like crazy. 

The three men just observed him quietly, leaving him alone. When Chibs finally managed to sit up properly, McAllister nodded his head and his men sprang into action. They pulled him up and pushed him onto “his” spot on the couch unceremoniously. While Patrick put the chains around his wrists and ankles again, Sean left the room and returned a few seconds later with backup. They approached Juice’s still form and picked him up carefully.

“Take him to the infirmary. At once,” McAllister commanded and they nodded and left the room with Juice in their arms. 

McAllister turned his gaze to Chibs who looked at him in terror and confusion. “I…I don’t know wha’ I….I lost track of time, I ….” Chibs stumbled over his words, his tongue suddenly felt very heavy, his throat threatened to tighten completely and he had to stop to catch his breath.

“Easy now, Filip, “ McAllister said. “Ye’ve surprised me and I ought be angry wi’ ye for nearly killin’ tha’ boy. It’s much too early, ye know. But I will let it slide this time. After all, ye’ve impressed me and tha’s not a thing which happens very often. Get some rest. Someone will clean up this mess and I’ll even get ye somethin’ to eat. Ye’ve earned it somehow, I guess.” And McAllister leaned his head back and laughed vigorously, his shoulders heaving and then there were tears in his eyes from all the laughing. “Whoaa, Filip, I’ve never laughed like this for years. Thank ye for tha’!” And he wiped away his tears and left the room, still laughing to himself quietly. 

Chibs stared after him and he wondered why his heart still hadn’t burst, it felt so cold and hard but also so broken in his chest, that he imagined a thousand little pieces of it scattered around and he imagined how he tried to pick them all up and put his heart together again but he couldn’t because there were so many of them and no matter what he did they didn’t fit together anymore and he was lost forever trying to figure it out nonetheless, standing in a pool of pieces of his broken heart, lost and broken himself…


	17. Bloody Sunday

The next day was another ”fun day” and they raped Juice once again. This time, when McAllister was finished with him, he let Sean and Patrick have a go at him, too. Chibs thought the blood would never stop running down Juice’s legs. He thought he would never sleep again, the sound of Juice screaming out in unbelievable pain haunting him at night, making him think he would go crazy. 

The day after that they almost drowned Juice. They held his face into a bucket full of water and wouldn’t let him out when he struggled and tried to get to the surface for air. They always pulled him up at the last second, and after they had went through that procedure several times in a row, they let him lie on his stomach, coughing up water and gasping for air in desperation, his face all bluish, almost grey.

After that, they burned him with cigarettes. When he tried to shirk away from them, they punched him in the stomach and called him names, like “whore” or “slut” and then they laughed. When they finally left, Chibs had to throw up, for like the third time that day. He had tried to look away when they tortured Juice but they had forced him to watch at gunpoint. McAllister observed him carefully the whole time and laughed his head off every time Chibs screamed or threw up or cursed at him.  


Juice’s strength weakened with every day. He got stitched up after every “treatment” and they obviously went out of their ways to make sure all his wounds were attended to. They gave him pills for the pain every night. But after six consecutive days of torture and rape, the stress and pain took their toll. Juice wasn’t pretty anymore. He was much thinner than before, there were endless cuts, weals and burn marks on his whole body. He couldn’t walk upright anymore, but he couldn’t sit either, so he always stood or walked or lay there bent over. His hands were shaking constantly. He didn’t speak anymore, when he opened his mouth it was only to scream or sob or whimper.

But what hurt Chibs the most were Juice’s eyes: they were completely empty. He had tried to address Juice several times, there had been enough opportunities. But Juice’s eyes had just flickered with something that Chibs could only interpret as fear and it hurt him incredibly when he realized that Juice wouldn’t look at him because he was _afraid_. He was afraid of _him_. He wanted to slit his wrists just by thinking of that look in Juice’s eyes. 

Chibs closed his eyes and shifted onto his side. They had released him of the chains holding his feet so he was actually able to lay his body down on the sofa, although it was still difficult to move around with his hands still chained to the ground. It was early morning and he hadn’t slept one bit. Again. He just couldn’t. His eyelids were drooping because he was so tired but every time he allowed them to close he would slip into a short nap which would only offer him an image of Juice bleeding or Juice screaming. So he always ended up waking up after ten seconds, trembling and sobbing.

He couldn’t sleep but he couldn’t bear to be awake either. Whatever he did, he ended up being in a nightmare. He began to hallucinate. He imagined Juice standing in front of him. He imagined he was an angel and he had wings on his back and he told Chibs that everything was okay now and that he needn’t worry, he would just be in heaven now and wait for him there. Chibs cried hot tears of shame and desperation when he realized he was imagining things, while babbling Juice’s name over and over again.

When the door opened suddenly, he didn’t open his eyes. He laid his arm over his face, wet with tears and saliva, and groaned. “Please, I can’t take anymore. Jist fuckin’ kill me.”

The now-all-to-familiar voice of his longtime enemy answered smugly: “Not in a good mood today, Filip, huh? Now don’t be cranky, nobody’s goin’ to kill ye…”

He chuckled but then he raised his voice and became serious. “Get up, Filip! Today’s Sunday an’ Sunday’s are special tae me. Ye know I’m a good Catholic an’ I know ye are too. So there’ll be no work day an’ no fun day either. Today, we’re gonna have us a special day.” 

Chibs opened his eyes and looked around when he heard the sound of several feet shuffling towards him. Two pairs of hands grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him onto his feet. The chains were taken off and they pushed him forward. He stumbled, shaky with almost no food and no sleep in his body.

“Where are ye takin’ me,” he asked quietly, already dreading the answer. This was another one of McAllister’s sick games, he was sure of it.

McAllister beamed at him. “Oh, we’re takin’ ye to the chapel. It’s Sunday, ye know.” And he left the room, chuckling to himself. The men behind Chibs gave him a short push and he began to walk forward slowly. 

They led him out of the room and along the corridor again. When they reached a corner, they shoved him towards a flight of stairs he hadn’t seen before. They led him downstairs and into another room. This one was fairly large and he turned his head to take everything in. There were five long rows of pews at the back of the room. A large cross hang directly over a heavily draped table which looked like an altar. There were all sorts of pictures of Jesus and Mary hanging on the walls.

Chibs shuddered. It was typical of McAllister to have his own little sort of chapel here in this forlorn basement. The men led him to the last of the pews and gestured for him to sit down. He did and two men sat on either side next to him.

He felt sweat trickling down the back of his neck. He knew he was about to witness another twisted perversion sprung from the sick mind of his accursed enemy and he wished he could run away because he knew new material for new nightmare was about to be born. He jumped a little when the door opened with a bang and three men entered, dragging a fourth man with them. Chibs’s whole body tensed. It was Juice they had with them. He wore the white shirt and the jeans from the day when they had taken them. He had a gunny sack over his head and it was attached with a rope around his neck. _That’s new. What’s goin’ here? Why is he dressed again and what’s with the sack over his head?_ Chibs’s mind raced with questions and his heart beat faster and faster. 

The men dragged Juice around the altar and bent him over it, with his head facing the pews. They held him down and he didn’t resist. Suddenly, McAllister stepped into the room and he stood before the altar, Juice right behind him. He looked at Chibs shortly and this time there was no smile on his face. He raised his hands into the air and looked up to the ceiling, beginning to pray.

"O my God, I am heartily sorry for offending Thee,  
An’ I detest all my sins because they offend Thee, my God,  
Who art all good and deserving of all my love.  
I firmly resolve, with the help of Thy grace,  
to confess my sins, to do good, avoid evil,  
and to amend my life. Amen."

McAllister stopped for a moment and looked at Chibs again. Chibs furrowed his brows. _Where is he goin’ with this? I don’t get it._

McAllister let out a big sigh and added a few more words to his prayer: “An’ please, O Lord, open your arms and embrace this poor lost soul in your heavenly kingdom.”

He hung his head for a few seconds, as if he was in deep thought. Then he stepped forward and sat down in the first pew. Chibs felt his blood freezing. _What’s goin’ on? My God, what’s goin’ on?!_

McAllister nodded at his men standing behind Juice and suddenly one of them pulled up a gun and pointed it at Juice’s head. Chibs realized what was going to happen and he jumped up in terror but somehow he was unable to scream. So he watched in silent horror, and it was as if everything suddenly happened in slow-motion, when the man with the gun actually pulled the trigger and released one single shot. Juice’s head jerked up as the bullet hit it, then it fell forward onto the altar. His whole body slumped down and the men behind him had to hold him or he would have fallen off. Then the body lay completely still. There was blood oozing from an exit wound on his forehead, seeping through the thick fabric of the sack on his head, dripping onto the white cloth on the altar.

Chibs just stood there and stared. He stared at the blood. He stared at the limp body lying on the altar. His mind tried to grasp what just happened and it was all there in front of him, clear in the open. Juice was dead. He was shot dead by one of the men behind him. No one could survive such a shot.

Chibs stared and stared but he still couldn’t believe it. It didn’t make any sense. It was too early, McAllister had promised he would make Chibs suffer a long time and six days weren’t such a long time, were they? But apparently, he had changed his head, had gotten tired of the game. Chibs had to face it: Juice was dead. His Juice was dead. He was dead and he would never come back again.

Suddenly, he couldn’t breathe. His heart burned and he thought he was having a heart attack but he didn’t. Still, it was all too much for him. His mind went blank and his legs gave away underneath him. He crumpled to the floor, unconscious, unaware of the hands picking him up and carrying him away.


	18. Drowning in a Pool of Memories

He woke up in the room they had put him the first day he came here. There were no chains on him, no handcuffs, nothing. He was lying flat on the ground next to the back wall in a corner. There was no light, there were no sounds. He guessed it was the middle of the night, but he couldn’t be sure of it. He groaned. His face felt cold from lying on the hard tiles and his back hurt like hell. He sat up and stretched his neck in order to feel like a normal person again.

_Normal. Ha! Tha’s funny! Ye’ll never feel normal again. Ye’ve no right to, either._

He leaned against the wall and let out a long sigh. As he stared ahead expressionlessly, several images pushed themselves into his head: Juice lying on the altar, getting shot. Juice dead. Juice dead. Blood pouring from beneath the sack, flowing down his throat, his white shirt. The short jerk his body had made when the bullet hit him. The silence after. The limp body. Juice dead. Juice dead. Juice getting shot. Juice being dragged into the chapel. Juice getting shot. Juice dead. _Thank God, I’m finally goin’ crazy…_

And Chibs thumped his head against the hard wall behind him, thankful for the pain, and began to laugh. First it started as a small giggle, getting louder and louder until it turned into a hysterical roaring that made his stomach hurt. As he sat there and laughed, he eventually became aware of tears streaming down his face, turning his T-shirt wet and sticky. He tried to stop but it became even worse and his laughter turned into an inconsolable sobbing. He put his face in his hands and let go completely. 

He didn’t know how long he cried but to him it seemed like an eternity. Eventually, his head began to hurt from all the crying, his eyes felt as if they had been washed away from his face along with the tears. He hadn’t cried like this in his whole life. He rarely ever cried, preferring to keep his emotions to himself, even when he was alone. Crying was for women, or maybe younger, more sensitive men. Men like Juice…

Chibs let out a cry and wondered how a man like him could sound so much like a wounded, terror-stricken animal. He hit the wall with his head again, he just needed the pain now. _Juice. My Juice. He’s gone. He will never come back. Ye’ll never hold him in yer arms again. Ye’ll never kiss him again. Ye’ll never touch his soft warm skin again. Ye’ll never look into his beautiful brown eyes again. Ye’ll never…_ The tears came back again and Chibs let them come, he knew he didn’t have the strength to fight them. 

After a long time, he managed to calm himself down. He took a few deep breaths. When he was feeling somewhat normal again he used his T-Shirt to wipe away the tears and the snot. Then he lay back on the ground on his side and put his head on his upper arms, curling up like a small child. He lay there and he tried to push away the image of a dying Juice. He wanted to think of a living Juice, a Juice that was happy. A small smile crept up his lips when he suddenly remembered the first time he had met Juice…  


***************************************************************************************************  


“Huh? Where did **you** come from?”

Chibs had cursed as he had taken a look at the mess the strange guy had made when he had run into him at the door, making him spill his beer on his clothes. It had been all over his cut and jeans and he had been irritated. The guy he hadn’t seen before looked at him with wide eyes and began to stammer.

“Fuck, I…I am so sorry! I just didn’t see you there, p-please believe me.” One look into Chibs’s angry eyes made the guy freeze in fear. “I swear, I’m sorry. Please, let me get something for your clothes.”

And he stumbled away quickly towards the kitchen, obviously eager to get away from Chibs. Chibs sighed and he pulled up his head and shouted: “Who let this idiot onto the compound?” He was answered with loud roaring from Jax and Tig who were sitting at the bar. 

“So I take it you’ve met our new prospect, huh?” Jax said with a wide grin on his face.

Chibs turned towards them. “Prospect? Since when?”

“Since yesterday, man. Found the kid in Lodi last week and I thought he would be good material.”

Tig laughed and said: “Oh yes, good material indeed. Isn’t he a cutie?” And they both laughed, but Chibs was still annoyed because of his clothes. 

Then, the new guy appeared at the door to the kitchen and he ran towards Chibs with a wet cloth in his hands. He stopped to a halt in front of Chibs with a terrified expression in his eyes. Chibs looked down at him, scowling.

“What’s yer name, boy?”

The guy swallowed heavily and looked down onto the ground. “J-Juice.”

“What kinda fuckin’ name is tha’?” Chibs growled and the poor guy named Juice began to tremble.

“W-well, my r-real name is J-Juan Carlos, but H-Happy thought it was too long, s-so he named me J-Juice.”

Chibs growled, irritated with the boys’s stuttering. “Look at me when ye’re talkin’ tae me, kid,” he snarled, grabbing the boy’s chin and tilting it up so that he had to look Chibs into his face. The boy flinched at the touch but didn’t avoid it. 

Chibs took a few minutes to scrutinize him while still holding his chin in his hand. He had light brown skin, obviously he was a Latino. He was terribly young, maybe 22, younger than Jax. His head was bald but for a neatly trimmed Mohawk which looked silly but it fit him somehow. Next to the Mohawk there were two tribal tattoos and Chibs thought, this was really too much. But then he took a look into Juice’s eyes and his face softened a little. His eyes were big and brown and Chibs couldn’t help himself but think they were beautiful. He was interrupted in his thoughts when he noticed those beautiful eyes staring at him in terror. Chibs chuckled to himself inwardly. _Don’t be so hard with the kid, Filip. He’s just a baby._ He didn’t say anything and he was still scowling down at the kid. 

Finally, he started talking. “Juice, huh?”

Juice nodded very slightly, having problems to move his head when Chibs was still holding his chin. “Stupid name,” Chibs growled.

And he grabbed him by the collar and yanked him forward so that their faces were just inches away from each other. Juice’s eyes widened even more. “Listen Juice, ye’ve ruined my clothes for today. Thank ye very much for tha’. Remember tae be more careful in the future, or I’ll rip yer heart out an’ eat it for breakfast, d’ya hear me?”

Juice nodded fervently and Chibs let go of him. “Now get out of my sight,” Chibs grumbled and Juice was nearly falling over his own feet to obey him. Jax and Tig were laughing their heads off watching him stumble out of the room.

“Chibs, man. That was harsh,” Jax said but he was still grinning.

“Kid ruined my clothes. He deserved it.” Chibs had sat down at the bar next to them but hadn’t been able to suppress a smile. _I think I’m goin’ tae like tha’ kid._  


************************************************************************************************  


Chibs smiled. He was happy he had liked Juice from the beginning. Sure, he hadn’t made it easy for him, growling at him, lecturing him, reprimanding him harshly for every tiny mistake. But Juice had handled it well enough after a few first weeks of trembling and jumping whenever Chibs bellowed at him. Chibs had decided very early he wanted to sponsor him and it had taken a lot of time and patience to teach Juice everything he needed to know about business. But it had been fun. Juice had been eager to learn and quick to understand. Chibs had enjoyed being his mentor. And he had known that Juice liked him, too, he had seen it in his many smiles and laughs. But it wasn’t until that one day that he had really learned of Juice’s feelings…  


************************************************************************************************  


Chibs had felt exhausted. He had only been in the hospital for one day but he was already tired of lying in bed for hours. He knew it was the best for him, after all he’d almost been killed in that goddamn car bomb attack. His head hurt like hell, so did his whole body, actually. He was lucky to have survived this. Still, he was bored and he wished he could just get well again so he could help his Brothers with club business. 

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Chibs frowned in surprise. He glanced at the watch: it was 8 pm, visiting hours were long over.

“Aye,” he said, looking at the door. It opened slowly and there was Juice, stepping into the room hesitantly.

“Juice. What are ye doin’ here?” Chibs asked surprised. Right after he had woken up after the accident, all his brothers had visited him together, trying to cheer him up, making filthy jokes. Jax had been there this morning to check on him. But he hadn’t expected anyone else to pay him a solo visit. Especially not Juice. 

Juice fidgeted nervously, but then he smiled at Chibs with quick determination and sat down on the chair next to his bed. “Hey Brother. I wanted to visit you. They wouldn’t let me in, but I managed to sneak in here anyway.”

Chibs chuckled. “Kid, what got into ye? Missed me so much?”

Juice grinned. “Yeah, I missed you.” But then his smile vanished. “But more than that, I was worried about you.”

“Oh.”

They both dropped their heads and stared at their respective hands in their laps. After a few silent minutes, Chibs sighed and said, “Ahh, Juicy-boy, don’t worry so much. I’m fine. Takes more than a fuckin’ car bomb to kill me.”

Juice raised his head to look at him and smiled again. But then Chibs saw a suspicious shimmer in Juice’s eyes and he frowned.

“Juice?” He looked at him and was surprised to see Juice’s chin tremble. “Wha’s wrong, Juicy?”

He reached out and touched his cheek softly. Juice winced and something close to a sob came out of his throat. He sniffed and wiped his eyes. “Are ye cryin’, boy?” Chibs was truly puzzled. Juice stiffened and shirked away from his touch. He got up on his feet and began to pace the room up and down. Chibs observed him closely, his head tilted to the side.

“Juice. Tell me wha’s goin’ on. Please?” His voice softened and Juice looked at him but didn’t stop pacing. 

“Stop it! Ye’re makin’ me nervous,” Chibs yelled and Juice stopped in his tracks. He seemed to contemplate what he should do, then he stepped in front of Chibs’s bed and looked at him earnestly.

“Chibs. When I saw you lying on the ground, with blood coming from your head…I couldn’t bear it. It hurt so much. I thought you were dead. I couldn’t imagine the Club without you.” He couldn’t hold Chibs’s gaze anymore and looked to the ground, his voice growing very quiet. 

“I’ve never told you how much you mean to me. You’ve always been there, Chibs. You taught me everything, you were patient with me. I cannot tell you how much that meant to me. All the others in the club, they liked me well enough and it was fun to hang around with them. But nobody treated me with so much respect. I never knew how good it felt to be taken seriously until I met you. You really are my best friend. And if you had died…” His voice trailed off and he looked up at Chibs again. This time a single tear rolled down his cheek.

“Juice…” Chibs looked at him but he didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t used to people telling him about their emotions straight to his face. Hell, he wasn’t used to people saying he was important to them. He felt a huge lump in his throat and he swallowed heavily. 

Juice spoke up again: “Don’t say anything, please. I know it’s not manly to speak about your feelings and shit. But I had to tell you, I don’t know why. Now you know. I’m sorry. Here, I brought you some things. Please get well soon. See ya!”

And suddenly Juice pulled out a small plastic bag out of his jeans, threw them on Chibs’s bed and stormed out of the room before Chibs could say anything. 

After he was gone, Chibs just sat there, dumbfounded. _Well, tha’ was unexpected._ He leaned forward and took a look into the plastic bag Juice had left him. _Well, I’ll be damned._ A big smile appeared on his face as he pulled out the content: Agatha Christie’s _And then there were None_ , two cases of Walker’s shortbread and five packs of his favorite cigarette together with a lighter.

Chibs chuckled. Damn, how did the boy know so well what he liked? Well, the cigarettes were not too difficult and the shortbread, well, he was sure he had eaten them sometimes at the clubhouse, although very seldom – but the novel? He tried to hide the fact that he liked to read old crime novels with eccentric old ladies in them but apparently, Juice has discovered his secret somehow. _Clever little punk._

He was moved, he had to admit it. It had moved him a lot when Juice told him the things he did. He knew he liked Juice a lot, too. If he had been the one lying in a puddle of blood he knew he would have felt terrible. He couldn’t think of the Club without Juice anymore either. He felt a little sorry that he didn’t have the chance to tell Juice all that but he was also a little relieved that Juice hadn’t given him that chance – he never spoke about his feelings like that. Of course, he, like the others, said the usual “I love you, brother” to any of them. It was standard. But talking about real emotions…no, that was something different.

Well, he would certainly not fall down on his knees in front of Juice, sobbing about how much he meant to him. But he would show him he felt the same way about their relationship some other way. He owed him that. He had smiled to himself and leaned back, opening one case of shortbread as well as the novel. He had been sure he wouldn’t be bored for the rest of his stay here…  


***************************************************************************************************  


Chibs shifted to his other side and sighed. The thing with the car bomb had frightened him a lot. It had shown him how close death was, how it was always lurking around the corner, ready to take a life, if given the opportunity. It had been a horrible experience to come so close to dying. But it had also caused his and Juice’s relationship to reach a further level. He had always felt a close connection to the boy but had never realized it until Juice had told him his feelings in that hospital room.

_That was so brave of him, telling me all that. I was too cowardly to ever say such things to him back then. He knew me so well, even in those early days. God, I wished I had realized earlier…realized what I felt for him. We would have had so much more time…_

Once again, Chibs cried. It hurt so much to think of that time. It felt like yesterday although it was more than four years ago…He held his hand to his face and let his mouth trace the lines on his hard calloused skin. He tried to imagine it wasn’t his own, but Juice’s lips kissing his hand, just like that one time, three years ago…  


*************************************************************************************************  


They had just been released out of Stockton. These 14 months had really felt like an eternity to Chibs. With just him, Opie, Piney and Kozik, it just hadn’t felt like the Sons anymore. Too many important people were missing. One of them was Juice, he had missed the boy dearly during that time. He had worried about him, considering what had happened the last time Juice had been in jail. Juice was a pretty boy and there were a lot of guys in prison who’d do anything to get their hands on someone like him, Chibs knew. It had made him crazy with worry. But he tried to tell himself that Juice would be okay, he had Jax, Clay, Tig and even Happy with him. Nothing would happen.  


When he was finally able to pull him into a tight embrace he felt his tense muscles relax, excitement and joy rushing through his body. “Missed ya, kid,” he said in his simple way and Juice just smiled. That night, after Opie’s and Lyla’s wedding, he asked Juice to come home with him, drink a couple of beer. Juice agreed readily enough, although he seemed a little tense after what had happened with the Russians. He didn’t like killing people in cold blood, Chibs knew. He was sorry about that but that was part of being a Son, Juice had to deal with that.  


They ended up on Chibs’s couch, both very drunk. “And then, that fat ugly dude came up to me and wanted to say something, but I wouldn’t let him. I just punched him into that big belly of his until he was all out on the floor, huffing and puffing. Totally worth being put into isolation.”

Chibs had to grin, Juice was always trying to be so tough and cool but when he said those kind of things he just seemed like an excited little boy. But he indulged the kid. Let him tell his gruesome prison stories. 

“I have to get another beer. Want one, too?”

Juice stood up and suddenly he swayed heavily, threatening to fall down. Chibs didn’t think, he just jumped up from his seat and grabbed Juice’s waist, taking his weight so he wouldn’t fall.

“Whoa, easy there, kiddo, easy.”

Suddenly, he realized how close they were. They just kept standing there, Chibs’s hands still around Juice’s waist, and their faces were just inches away from each other. Chibs heard both their breathings loud and unsteady, the only sound in the room.

“Juice…” His voice was small and shaky, he couldn’t believe what was going on.

Suddenly, there was this weird feeling in his stomach, an amazing prickling feeling and his heart began to beat faster. He felt this sudden urge to just lower his head and kiss Juice on the lips. But he didn’t do anything, it was as if he was completely frozen. That was when Juice took his hand and raised it to his mouth. He looked deeply into Chibs’s eyes while he started kissing Chibs’s hand very gently, very slowly. His eyes were clear and focused, he seemed completely sober now. Chibs watched him kiss his hand and he felt goosebumps on his skin as he drew Juice nearer to him, ready to kiss him any moment…

But then he realized what they were doing and he panicked, pushing Juice away with instinctive force. Juice stumbled and fell down on his ass with a thump. He looked up at Chibs and his face was a mixture of disappointment, fear and surprise.

Chibs looked away. “I think ye better leave now. It’s late.” He hadn’t watched him leave, just heard the loud bang of the door as it had slammed shut and then he had been alone.  


**************************************************************************************************  


Again, he had been a coward. He should have just wrapped Juice up in his arms and kissed him and made love to him right then. He hated himself for running away from the situation, from running away from his own feelings. He just hadn’t been able to cope with the fact that he was in love with Juice. He hadn’t been able to think of himself as gay. He had always been a very masculine guy, physically and emotionally strong. Being gay was not very masculine – at least that’s what he had thought then. 

But when he no longer managed to withhold his feelings for Juice anymore and began a relationship with him he had discovered he could be both: gay and masculine. Juice always made him feel strong and he loved the thought that he would protect Juice from everything bad in the world. Juice had made him feel perfect. Juice had been perfect for him. Had been. All that was gone now. He could spend the rest of his days drowning in a pool of memories, but that would do nothing to bring Juice back. He had lost him forever.  


He realized life made no more sense to him. He didn’t want to live in a world without Juice. He would die in this hellhole anyway, so it was not as if there were endless alternatives. But even if he lived in a parallel universe and he got the chance to live his life like before…he wouldn’t want it. When Juice had died, Chibs’s soul had died with him. He didn’t know if there existed something like an afterlife, but maybe there was a small chance that he would meet Juice again when he died…

He curled himself up into a ball and let his mind go blank. All the memories had made him tired and sad. He wanted to think no more of them. He just wanted to bide his time, wait until McAllister finally had mercy and killed him. Then it would all be over and he wouldn’t hurt so much anymore. So he just lay there and stared at the floor and waited.  


Suddenly, there were loud noises outside and it sounded like guns being fired. A lot of guns. He heard shouting and screaming and after a few minutes of something close to war going on out there, the door to his room was kicked open. Chibs raised his head wearily and looked at a man standing in front of him, wearing dark clothes, a bulletproof vest and a helmet that covered his face, a gun in his right hand. The man pulled down his helmet and it was Jax.

“Chibs! Thank God, we finally found you!”


	19. Waking up

“Chibs! Chibs, are you okay?”

Jax knelt down next to Chibs and put his hand on his shoulder, his face full of concern.

Chibs looked up at him and smiled weakly. “Jax. Finally. Took ye long enough.” Jax inspected him thoroughly, his brows furrowed.

“Yeah, sorry about that, “he said. “We searched for you the whole week but only got valuable intel a few hours ago. Came right here when we heard you’d probably be here. Here, let me help you, brother.”

He extended his right hand and Chibs took it, let himself be pulled to his feet. Once he stood, he had to pull himself together to not just fall back onto his knees again, he felt so weak, but he managed with Jax’s help.

Jax took one step back while still holding him upright with one arm and examined him from head to toe. “You don’t seem to be hurt very much. Or am I missing something?”

Chibs sighed. “Naaah. Ye’re right, Jackie-Boy, I’m fine.”

Jax looked into his eyes and frowned when he saw the lack of enthusiasm and relief he had expected to see there. “What’s wrong, brother? Something’s not right.” 

Chibs avoided further eye contact and stepped forward. “Forget it, okay? What went on out there? Sounded like the fuckin’ apocalypse.” _Not that I’m really interested. Fuck it all. I wish they had arrived later, when I was already dead an’ cold._

Jax continued to observe him skeptically as he answered. “Killed them all. There were only eight or nine guys here, it was easy enough. Still searching for McAllister, though.”

Chibs hesitated but then dared to ask: “Found Juice yet?” _What ye really should have said: Found his dead body yet?_

Jax shook his head. “No, we’re searching the whole property right now. We’ll find him, I promise.” And Jax smiled at Chibs, obviously hoping Chibs would smile, too – but Chibs only looked to the ground, shifting his feet on the bare floor nervously. 

“Come on, man. Let’s get you outta here, “ Jax said.

When Chibs made a step forward, Jax stopped him and pulled him into a brotherly embrace. “I was worried about you, man. I’m glad, you’re alright.” Chibs heard the affectionate words, felt the brotherly kiss on his neck, but he couldn’t react. He just let himself be hugged and waited until it was over. Finally, Jax let him go, concern now very obvious on his face. “Come on, “he said and they left the room together. 

On the corridor they ran into Happy who at once threw an arm around Chibs’s shoulder and hugged him very shortly, very tightly – Happy-style. “Good to see you, man!” Chibs managed to sport a weak smile.

Happy looked at Jax. “McAllister’s gone. There’s a secret tunnel out of here that he took but it’s sealed with a code, we cannot open it.”

“Shit!” Jax slammed his fist against the wall angrily. 

They didn’t speak for a minute when Chibs’s feet suddenly gave away underneath him and he would have slumped to the ground if Jax hadn’t caught him halfway. A whole week of almost no sleep, little food and all the emotional pain took their toll and Chibs had to concentrate to keep his eyes open. His head suddenly hurt like hell again. Jax cursed to himself and put Chibs’s arm under his own, supporting his weight.

“Hap, help me with him.” Happy jumped to Chibs’s other side and together they turned around and made their way to the exit.

When they reached the flight of stairs, they had to step around two dead bodies. As Chibs let himself be maneuvered around the corpses his gaze fell on their faces and he recognized Sean and Patrick. Sean had been shot in the forehead, he must have been dead instantly. Patrick on the other hand had been hit in the throat and there was a large pool of blood around him. He had bled out and the fact that he had suffered considerably before dying gave Chibs at least a little bit of comfort.

Finally, they reached the door which led them out of the basement and onto the vast yard Chibs recognized from the day he had gotten here. All the Sons’ bikes stood there, as well as the Club’s black van. Chibs suddenly felt a lot of hands on him, pulling him into warm embraces – he vaguely recognized Bobby, Phil, Ratboy, V-Lin – and he had to pull himself together not to feel too distressed. _They are happy tae see ya. Don’t be an asshole._ But he couldn’t help himself, he didn’t care if he hurt their feelings, so he let himself be hugged stoically.

“Easy there, guys. Let us get him to the van,” Jax said and together with Happy they dragged him to the back of the van and seated him there. “Rest, brother.” They all watched him curiously as he sat on the bare floor of the van, dangling his feet. He already felt lost.

Suddenly, there was a shout from within the basement. “Hey! I need some help here! I found Juice!” Tig’s voice.

All the guys but Jax rushed towards the door and Ratboy opened it quickly. Chibs looked away. He didn’t want to see Juice’s corpse. He would break down in front of everybody here, not that he’d care about that. But he felt so sick and tired, he thought his heart wouldn’t take it if he saw Juice’s broken, beaten body right now.

He heard the other guys react to seeing Juice. He heard them gasping, drawing in breath sharply, even cursing. “What the fuck, man?” Jax yelled.

Tig’s voice came nearer, apparently he was carrying Juice. “I found him there in a locked cell. He just lay there on the ground, not moving. I don’t know what the fuck they did to him!” Chibs wondered at the open concern in Tig’s voice. He didn’t hear that tone very often.

He heard Jax say “Bring him here” and Chibs finally looked up to see Tig approaching with Juice in his arms, laying him onto the cargo area of the van, right next to Chibs. 

“Chibs. Will you take a look at him?”

Chibs looked Jax into the face. _Are they all daft and blind? Don’t they see that he’s dead? Any child would get tha’._

“Jackie,” he said quietly, “don’t you see? I don’t need to do anythin’. He’s dead.”

Jax frowned and shook his head slightly. He turned and leaned over Juice’s body, taking his wrist into his hand to check his pulse. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Chibs. He has a pulse. It’s very slow and I think he’s seriously ill. But he’s alive, brother.” 

Chibs stared at him in disbelief and he tried to tell himself that this was all nonsense. _Jax is lying. He only wants to protect you. Juice is dead, I saw him die with my own eyes!_

“See for yourself, man,” Jax said and gestured towards Juice.

Chibs remained still for another second, but then he jumped up and leaned over Juice as well. Anguish hit him once again like a punch in the face when he saw Juice’s bruised and bloody body. He pushed the feeling away and checked the pulse. Jax was right, there was one, faint, but it was there. _No, this cannot be!_ He put his head over Juice’s chest, listening – and there was the heartbeat! Juice was alive!

The realization struck him like thunder and he fell backwards, disbelief and shock in his eyes.

“N-no! I don’ae understand! I saw him die…I saw him get shot in the head. How can he be alive?”

And he looked at all his Brothers standing before him. They stared at him as if he was crazy and he started to believe that he was. Had he imagined all this? Had it all been a dream? Or was this now a dream? He didn’t know what was real and what was not anymore.

Suddenly, someone put an arm around his shoulders and shook him. “Hey man! Believe it or not, but the kid’s alive! Snap out of it, okay?” He turned his head and saw Tig grinning at him. He nodded slowly, but he still wasn’t able to grasp what had happened here.

“Hey guys, look! Here’s someone we didn’t shoot!”

They all looked at Phil pointing at something in the grass a few feet away. They walked to him and Bobby said “Man, that kid looks a lot like Juice…”

Chibs froze. He ran to them and looked down. In the grass, hidden under a few layers of huge leaves, lay a dead guy, a young Latino, a huge hole in his forehead where a bullet had left it. Bobby was right. He really looked like Juice: same height, same stature, same skin color. His eyes seemed a lot smaller than Juice’s and he neither had a Mohawk nor the tattoos on the head, but apart from that, there was a lot resemblance. 

Suddenly, it dawned on Chibs. This was the guy McAllister had his men shoot down yesterday! It hadn’t been Juice after all, they had only made it look like it was Juice!

_Jesus fuckin’ Christ! I can’nae believe it! He’s alive! My Juicy-Boy is not dead!_

It was too much. He sunk to the ground and began to cry, his body heaving up and down. The others stood around him, a little bit embarrassed, uncertain of what to do. Finally, Jax knelt down next to him and pulled him into a firm embrace. This time, Chibs was thankful for it and he cried into Jax’s shoulder as if he was a little boy. 

After a few minutes, Jax pulled him up and led him to the van.

“Chibs. We have to get Juice to St. Thomas. He’s in real bad shape. We’ll look for McAllister later, okay?”

Chibs nodded in agreement and wiped away the tears on his face. “Aye, Jackie. Fuck McAllister for now. Juice is more important.” His voice was strong and steady now.

“You ride in the van with Juice, okay? We’re right beside you, brother.”

Jax took another long worried glance at him and Chibs had to grin despite the situation. “I’m fine now, brother. I won’t cry anymore, promise. Now let’s get Juice tae the hospital, please?”

Jax grinned back at him and nodded, relieved to finally see a smile on Chibs's face, and they all got on their bikes. Chibs hopped into the van and Rat closed the doors.

As they pulled away from the estate and Chibs heard the familiar sound of motorcycles riding right next to him, he leaned back and pulled Juice towards him, so that his head lay in his lap. Juice looked awful. Someone had put him in a black t-shirt and black jeans so the scars he knew were there weren’t visible. But his arms and feet were naked and he could see enough there. One look into Juice’s pale, bruised face made him shiver. He leaned forward and laid his head carefully against the boy’s head, cherishing the touch.

“Oh, Juice. I’ll never let ye go now. Not in this lifetime.”

And he put his arms around Juice’s chest from behind and kissed him softly on the forehead. He felt the tears well up again and he let them fall. But this time his tears were neither desperate, nor heartbroken. This time, he cried tears of relief and gratefulness. _Thank you, God. Thank you._


	20. Back Home

During the ride back to Charming Chibs never let go of Juice. He couldn’t bear breaking the contact, so he held him close, cradling his head and upper body in his arms, kissing his face over and over again, relishing the feeling. It was the first time since their abduction that he got to hold him close again and he was afraid that if he let go he would lose him again, even if that fear made no sense at all at the moment.

So he pushed his face against Juice’s cold neck and planted a few soft kisses there. He wanted to feel Juice, to touch him, to smell him, to taste him – anything so that his mind would finally realize that this wasn’t a bad dream, that this was real. He wasn’t hallucinating. Juice wasn’t dead, he was alive here in his arms.

 _I cann’ae believe this. Here we are, out of this fuckin’ mess, back on our way home. Juice…I cann’ae believe I’m holding Juice in my arms. He’s breathin’. He looks like shit and it hurts to look at him but…he’s alive! Maybe all this is goin’ tae be alright. Maybe we can fix this. Oh, please God, let me be able to fix this. Please, make my Juice okay again._ He spent the rest of the journey praying and holding Juice in his arms.

After less than two hours – the Sons actually took the liberty of ignoring the speed limits a few times – they arrived at St. Thomas. The van’s back doors were opened and Rat and V-Lin hopped in, leaning over Juice to pick him up. Chibs heard a low growl and realized he was the one making that sound. “Don’t touch him. I’ll handle tha’.”

And he gently laid Juice on the van’s floor and braced himself. He got up on his feet and jumped off the van’s cargo area. “Hand him over tae me. But be careful, or I’ll kill ye.” He gestured towards Juice with an impatient motion. They looked at him in confusion, but then obeyed. Very carefully, they picked Juice up and laid him into Chibs’s waiting arms. 

Chibs felt very weak and he knew he shouldn’t be doing this. But he just had to, he wanted to be the one to carry Juice and they boy didn’t weigh much after all, so he knew he should manage well enough.

“Chibs! What are you doing?” he heard Jax shout a few feet away from him but he simply ignored him. He walked towards the hospital’s entrance with Juice in his arms and heard the guys hurry behind him to follow. 

When he entered, he saw a few nurses turn their heads to them, their eyes widening when they saw Juice. Everything happened very quickly then. There were a lot of voices and he heard somebody call for a Doctor Soandso over the loudspeaker. Suddenly, someone tried to take Juice out of his arms and he resisted, unwilling to let go of him. Several kind voices spoke to him at once, trying to convince him to let go and eventually, he did. Juice was laid onto a gurney and rushed away. He looked after him, already missing the touch.  


A nurse came over to him and laid her hand on his arm. “Sir. Are you hurt?”

He absently shook his head. But then Jax appeared next to him and said “He’s been held captive in a basement a whole week. Could you please check him out? I’m a bit worried about him.”

The nurse frowned and nodded. “Yes, of course. Please, Sir, come with me.” And she gently took him by the hand and led him away. 

He was left alone in a room, sitting on an examination table. After a few minutes, the door was opened and a female doctor, probably in her late forties, walked in. “Hello, Mr. Telford.”

He looked up at her, surprised. “Oh, your friends outside told me your name. I hope that’s okay.”

She positioned herself before him, clipboard in her hands, a polite smile on her face. “I’m. Dr. Janet. So, will you tell me what happened, please?”

He sighed. He was in no mood to tell anyone what had happened. But he might as well get it over with so he just told her everything. Well, he didn’t tell her about the rapes, the torture and the fake execution, just the basic story. When he was finished, she nodded slowly, her face searching his eyes for anything he had not told her.

“Alright, Mr. Telford. Would you please remove your shirt and jeans? I’ll examine you, but I’ll make it quick. He obeyed and she began to examine him. “You seem a little dehydrated. How much did you have to eat and drink this last week?”

“One cup of water a day. Thin soup and bread every two days,” he answered quietly.

“That’s all?” She frowned.

“Aye. By their standards, that was quite generous.” And he chuckled.

She frowned even more. “They didn’t hurt you? Beat you? I cannot find any traces of violence inflicted upon your body. Is that correct, Mr. Telford?”

Chibs nodded again and looked at his feet. “Aye. They didn’ae hurt me.” His voice dropped to a low whisper. “They only hurt him.” 

The doctor furrowed her brows and looked at her clipboard. “You mean your friend that was abducted along with you, Mr. ah, Mr. Ortiz?” He nodded slowly.

“Mr. Telford, I know this must be hard for you, but could you maybe tell me what they did to him exactly. It would help us very much, we would know better what injuries to look for, how to treat him.”

He stayed silent and she waited patiently. Eventually, he looked up and said: “Aye. If it helps him, I’ll tell ye everythin’.” She nodded at him encouragingly and picked up her pen to write down anything he said.

Chibs sighed. Then he told her all the rest. He told her of the whipping, the almost-drowning, the cigarette burning, the cutting. When he was finished with that, his voice faltered. He closed his eyes and swallowed heavily. _Fuck. This is hard. I hate this._ But then he pulled himself together and told her about the rapes. She didn’t say anything, she just kept her head down to write.

When he stopped talking she looked at him again. “And that’s all?”

Chibs stared at her in disbelief. “Aye, tha’s all. I think it’s enough,” he snarled.

She frowned, cleared her throat. “I’m sorry, Mr. Telford. I didn’t mean it that way.” He mumbled a small apology and she stood up. 

“Mr. Telford, I want you to stay here for a day or so, get an IV into you so that your body can retrieve everything it’s been denied last week. Okay?”

He nodded. He hated staying in hospitals, had always hated it. But this time, it would mean he’d be near Juice and so he didn’t have to think twice. He cleared his throat. “What about Juice? I mean Mr. Ortiz. What happens to him now?”

The doctor sighed. “Well, he’s in bad shape, so he’ll have to stay a bit longer than you, I fear. We’ll have to treat his whole body the way it’s been mishandled. I cannot say much more, I’ll have to speak to his doctor. But we’ll keep you updated, I promise.” She smiled at him and he shrugged. 

She left and soon after, two nurses came in and brought him to a new room where he was put into a bed and hooked to an IV line. “Your friends want to see you, Sir. But you’ll have to make it quick, okay?” one of the nurses said. He nodded and they left. Soon after, Jax, Tig and Happy came in.

“Hey, bro, what’s up?” Jax smiled at him and they all gathered round his bed.

Chibs tried to smile back. “Hey brothers. Thanks for stoppin’ by. Thanks for everythin’ by the way.” They all laughed at that sheepishly. 

“Nahh, man, we should have been there earlier,” Tig said.

Jax’s smile vanished and he shook his head sadly. “Yeah. We’re sorry, bro.”

Chibs sighed and shook his head as well. “Don’t be, Jackie. It’s not yer fault. McAllister’s a cunt, ye couldn’t have found us any sooner. I’m just glad ye came when ye did.” They all looked at him in relief.

“I love ye, brothers,” Chibs said and Jax stepped forward. He leaned down and they put their foreheads together, like they always did when they wanted to show their feelings for each other in a manly way.

“I love you, too, brother,” Jax whispered. “Now rest. We’ll come back tomorrow, okay?”

Chibs nodded, his head still resting against Jax’s. “Aye.”

Jax gave him a soft kiss on the head and pulled away. Tig and Happy both did the same, mumbling shy, awkward goodbyes. 

When they were gone, Chibs stared at the door they had just closed. Then he looked around his room, taking everything in although there wasn’t much to see. A closet, a nightstand next to his bed, a sink, a mirror, a trash can. He also had a bathroom for himself and he was thankful for that. How strange it was to be here now. Less than four hours ago, he had been in a forlorn, shady basement, locked away for good. He had never thought he’d get out of there. Now he was here, in this hospital, lying in a bed in a stupid looking hospital gown and it just felt odd. The silence here was totally different than the one in the basement. 

He sighed again. He wished he could see Juice now. He missed him. It had only been an hour since he had last seen him, but he already missed him like hell. He was worried, too. Hopefully, the doctors could do something about all of his ugly injuries. There were so many of them, he knew it would take weeks, maybe months until they would be healed. He pushed away any thoughts about injuries Juice probably got from the rapes, he just couldn’t bear thinking about that. He knew he would have to deal with that sometime but for now, he just tried to push those thoughts out of his mind.

He was interrupted in all of this thinking when a nurse came in. “Time to rest now, Mr. Telford.” And she stepped to his bedside, holding up a syringe in her hands. “It’s just a mild sedative. To help you sleep.” He nodded, thankful for the medication, and only winced slightly when she put the needle into his arms. The nurse wished him a goodnight (although it was only early afternoon) and left the room.

He laid his head back and relaxed. He was actually able to enjoy the feeling of lying in a soft, warm bed now. He already felt the sedative take effect, his eyelids beginning to droop. He told himself that it was okay to sleep a little, Juice was in good care now and he could leave him alone for a few hours. He would ask to see him as soon as he woke up, he would trash their equipment, if they refused. He smiled at that thought, already halfway asleep.

 _Soon, Juicy. Soon, I’ll hold ye in my arms again and then you’ll taker yer time to heal and we’re gonna be okay again. I swear we’re gonna be okay again. Please just get well soon._ His eyes closed and seconds later, he was already in a deep sleep, his body thankful for a rest he needed so dearly.


	21. Remorse

Chibs woke up at 7 am the next morning when a nurse gently shook his shoulder. “Mr. Telford. Wake up. It’s time for your breakfast.” He slowly opened his eyes. Damn, he felt as if he had just fallen asleep, he was still dog tired.

“Wha’? Canno’ be mornin’ already,” he mumbled, but the nurse laughed and shook her head. “Oh, but it is. Come now, Mr. Telford, I don’t have much time, there are dozens of other patients waiting for their breakfast.” And before he had managed to seat himself up properly, she had already placed a tray full with food before him on his lap. 

“The doctor wants to look at your test results today, make sure you’re really okay. But you’ll very probably be released today,” the nurse said, smiled and left the room. _Unbelievable. Fuckin’ 7 am. I’m never awake at 7 am. And the food looks like shit, too._ He stared at his breakfast with disgust. Two tiny pieces of toast, one small piece of butter, one slice of ham, one slice of cheese. There was a bowl of cereal, too, but he couldn’t make out what kind of cereal it was. Didn’t matter. He wasn’t hungry. Although he had barely eaten the whole last week, he still didn’t feel quite hungry yet. Well, they had fed him through the IV, so he wouldn’t die.

He pushed away the tray and pushed his legs out of the bed. Might as well try to move around little until the doctor would show up. He tentatively put his one foot on the ground, then the other. _Yeah, still feeling a little wobbly. But tha’s gonna be alright with a little more sleep and some real food._

He got up out of the bed and made a few steps. He felt strong enough. It would take a few days until he would be his normal self again. But he really had been lucky. Compared to Juice, he had made it out of that hell nearly unscratched. _Damn, Juice. Please be better today. I wanna take ye home as soon as possible. I hope they take real good care of him here, or they’ll get tae know wha’ a Scottish temper looks like._ He chuckled. Juice had always mocked him because of his quick temper. Said that he was so hot-headed, you would think he was a famous super model, making a fuss about his Evian water sometimes. _Oh, Juice. For you, I will always try to control my temper. Even if ye love to make me wait for things, teasing me, knowing very well tha’ it drives me crazy._

He sighed and sat down on the bed. He hoped the doctor would come soon. He wanted to get out of here so he could see Juice. He couldn’t wait to see him again, to touch him. He raised his head when the door was opened suddenly. It was Dr. Janet. She walked up to him and smiled.

“Ah, Mr. Telford. Already up and about, I see? But you weren’t hungry?” She pointed at the tray he had ignored.

“Sorry, Ma’am. But no.” He smiled a quick, polite smile at her then got to business quickly. “So, can I be released today? What about Juice, ehm, I mean Mr. Ortiz? How’s he doin’? When can I see him?”

She chuckled. “Yes, Mr. Telford, you’re going to be released in an hour. Your blood results were reasonably good. You’ll need to take care of eating and sleeping a lot in the next few days, but if you’ll do that you’ll be just fine. We just need your signature on a few of our documents, and then you are free to go. I called your friend, Mr. Teller, he said he’d be here in an hour to pick you up.”

He nodded at her, impatient, waiting for her to answer his more important questions. She nodded again, understanding. “Mr. Ortiz is stable, although very weak. Whoever did this to him took care that his wounds did not get infected so that’s a great help. But he has lost quite some blood, we’ll have to take a look at the burns on his whole body and his lung seems to have been damaged a good deal, too.” 

He dropped his head, sad to hear all of Juice’s sufferings summed up again. He just hated this! “In addition to this, “Dr. Janet went on a little hesitantly, “there’s the issue of the rapes. We ran a SAFE kit and there’s quite some damage there, I fear.”

Chibs winced. He didn’t want to hear this. “We had to call the police, Mr. Telford. We have to report every obvious physical assault, as well as rape. Mr. Roosevelt said he’d be here at half past 7, he’ll want to talk to you for sure.”

Chibs frowned. _Damn him. Who needs the fuckin’ police? They aren’t capable of doin’ anythin’ useful._ But then he shrugged. He wouldn’t say much. He couldn’t say much – he didn’t know much about McAllister’s whereabouts or anything. SAMCRO would take care of him anyway. They always solved problems a thousand times better and faster than the police. 

“So, what about Juice,” he asked impatiently.

Dr. Janet sighed. “Oh yes, sorry. He’s still asleep and he will be for some time. He desperately needs to rest, so we gave him a strong sedative to make sure he would sleep undisturbed for the day. You can go see him when you’re officially released.” He nodded, content.

There was a knock at the door and a nurse popped her head in. “Doctor Janet? The sheriff’s here to see Mr. Telford.” Dr. Janet glanced at her watch and raised an eyebrow. “He’s early.”

“Tha’s okay,” Chibs said. “I’m ready to see him. Get it over wi’.” Dr. Janet nodded at the nurse. A few seconds later, Eli Roosevelt appeared in the room, fully clad in his uniform. “I’ll leave you two alone,” the doctor said and she disappeared gracefully.

Chibs sat back in his bed and looked at Roosevelt challengingly. “So? Wha’ d’ye wanna know?”

Roosevelt glanced at him curiously. “Mr. Telford. Good Morning.” Chibs shrugged and continued looking at him. Roosevelt held his gaze. “It seems you and Mr. Ortiz have been abducted last week. Care to tell me everything you know?”

Chibs sighed a long and annoyed sigh. If he just did what he would like to right now, he’d tell Roosevelt to go fuck himself. He didn’t like the guy. Not after what he had done to Juice. He had seemed like a nice enough guy when he had started as the new sheriff in Charming. But blackmailing Juice, leveraging him with color – when he himself was black? That was just disgusting. So, Chibs had no respect for the man. But he’d tell him everything he knew nevertheless. There was no solid reason why he shouldn’t do it and maybe he could help, even if it was very improbable. He sighed once more after thinking all this. _Here we go again. Might as well get it over wi’._

He was finished after ten minutes. Roosevelt tried to coax more info out of him, but Chibs just told him to shut it, he had said everything. Roosevelt understood.

“There aren’t many hints for us to investigate. But we’ll take a look at this villa you described and look for clues. Check out this secret tunnel. I’ll notify you if we find anything important, okay?” Chibs just nodded absently and stared out the window to demonstrate that he was finished. Roosevelt stared at him for a few minutes, silently.

“You know, I’m sorry for what happened to Juice.”

Chibs’s head jerked upwards at once. “Oh, ye’re sorry, indeed? Well, I guess he’ll be very thankful to hear tha’. You two have a special relationship, after all, with all yer secret meetings and secret phone calls.” He stared at him and his eyes shimmered with rage. 

Roosevelt looked at him in surprise. “You know about that?”

Chibs just nodded. “Aye, I know everythin’. So please excuse me if I don’t feel like talkin’ to ye much.”

They both remained silent for a few minutes and Chibs began to wonder why Roosevelt didn’t just leave already. Then there was a quiet clearing of a throat.

“You know… I hated doing that to him. I knew how it broke him up inside and I felt miserable every time I saw him. Especially after I saw those bruises on his neck…” Chibs looked up at him: Roosevelt’s eyes locked into his and they burned with regret, urging him to understand him.

“I wouldn’t have done it if there had been a way to avoid it. But Potter…he was insistent, I … I had to do it.”

Chibs just snorted, his face full of scoff and disbelief. “Ah, fuck off. D’ye really expect me tae believe tha´? We always have a choice. Don’ae expect me to relieve yer conscience, cos I won’t do tha´.” He jerked his head towards the door.

“I said, fuck off. Now!” Roosevelt looked at him sadly, then closed his eyes and nodded. He turned and left the room.  


Chibs felt a very small pang of guilt in his stomach. He really believed that Roosevelt was sorry and that there had probably been no way for him to avoid the situation with Juice. Determined, he shoved the feeling aside. _Fuck him. He hurt Juice. He helped almost killing him. I won’t forgive him for tha’ even if he didn’t mean it._

He brooded in his bed for the next half hour when there was another knock at the door. It was Jax, accompanied by a nurse. “Hey, man.” Jax smiled a huge smile and hugged him tightly. The nurse smiled, too and held out a pile of clothes to him.

“Here are your clothes, Mr. Telford. You’re released now.” He took his clothes happily and went about to change into them, not at all self-conscious in front of Jax.

“Glad to see you up and about, brother, “Jax said, clasping Chibs’s shoulder warmly. “You up for church? We really have to talk about this shit, discuss what we can do.”

Chibs nodded. “Aye, Jackie. More than ready. But I want tae see Juice before we go, kay?”

Jax looked at him, apparently hesitating. “Sure, Chibs, if you wish.” 

Chibs finished dressing and put his signatures under several documents the head nurse handed to him. After he expressed his wish to see Juice again he and Jax were led into another room down the floor. Chibs froze when he saw Juice. He lay there in this bed that seemed much too big for him and he was hooked to several tubes. His eyes were closed and he seemed to be sleeping. His face was ashen, he looked frail and sick. He’d just been here a few seconds, but Chibs was already irritated with the regular beeping of the machine which kept track of Juice’s heartbeat.

He approached the bed and took one of Juice’s hands into his. It felt cold and he winced. The feeling of fear and terror he had experienced so much in the past week, welled up in him again. There was a lump in his throat again and he forced himself to swallow it down so he would not cry. He felt Jax stepping next to him, laying an arm around his shoulder. The stood like this for a few minutes, just staring down at Juice, the annoying beeping sound in the background. After a while, Chibs couldn’t hold back any longer, he reached out and began to stroke Juice’s cheek softly.

“Oh, Juice, “he whispered, “I so wish I could have protected you from all this. I-I’m so sorry.” And he pressed his knuckles into his eyes, because this time the tears just appeared and he couldn’t do anything about it.

“Chibs, “Jax said quietly, “don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s not your fault. He knows that, too.” He grabbed Chibs by the shoulders, trying to look into his eyes but Chibs look at the ground, trying to get a hold of himself. “Listen to me, brother. Stop feeling guilty about this. It won’t help him either. You should rather focus on finding the bastard who did this to him. He’s the one who is guilty.”

Chibs took a few deep breaths. At last, he raised his head and looked Jax in the eyes. Jax was astonished at the desperation and hurt he saw in Chibs’s face. Chibs knew that Jax had never seen him like this and was probably wondering why his reaction to this was so severe. He wasn’t aware of Chibs’s true feelings for Juice, of course. _Pull yerself together, Filip. He cannot see how much Juice means tae ye. He’ll get suspicious._

So he braced himself and said: “Yer right, Jackie. Gotta find tha´motherfucker. Let’s head outta here.”

And he looked at Juice’s still form one last time, hoping he would find him awake the next time he’d see him, then turned and left the room. Jax stared after him, brows furrowed, still confused about Chibs’s behavior, then he shrugged and followed him.


	22. Plans are made

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I know Bobby shouldn't even be here. But I just need some other Son whose voice has some weight than just Jax, Tig and Happy who isn't a simple Prospect (yeah, I know Phil is a full patch member, too but he doesn't count). So let's assume he just hasn't abandoned the club to recruit new members and he is still VP. That leaves Chibs still Sergeant-at-Arms.

When they entered the hospital’s parking lot, Chibs was at the same time surprised and happy to see his very own bike standing there. He looked at Jax in wonder: “My bike?” Jax smiled, first at him, then at Phil and Rat who had met them halfway.

“Yeah. I thought maybe you wanted it back.” Chibs circled his Dyna and touched it carefully, relishing the familiar feeling. “One of Alvarez’s guys found yours and Juice’s bike abandoned on the side of the road and called us. That’s when we knew something was wrong.”

Chibs frowned as he was reminded of the day when they had been abducted. “Yeah…motherfuckers.”

Jax nodded solemnly. “I guess you’re lucky the bikes were still there. Well, I had Phil ride it here so you could ride back with us to TM. You think you’re up for that?”

Chibs scowled in mock hurt. “You bet I am, Jackie-Boy!”

Jax grinned: “That’s what I wanted to hear!”  


Rat and Phil got into the van and Jax and Chibs hopped on their bikes. Chibs knew that Dr. Janet would probably not be too happy about him riding but he didn’t care. He was here, he was home and he had a fucking right to ride his bike now. Once they got on the road he felt the familiar prickling sensation of adrenaline rushing through his blood and he simply loved it. He pushed his foot on the gas pedal to ride even faster. Jax accommodated him and accelerated too, but let him ride ahead. The ride was over soon and Chibs actually felt disappointed when they reached the garage and stopped their bikes at their usual spots.

They entered the clubhouse and were greeted by a chorus of cheers and clapping. All the guys were there, sitting at the bar or the tables and they got up and hugged Chibs. “Chibs, man, great to have you back,” Tig said. Happy didn’t say anything, just gave him a serious but appreciative glance. Bobby kissed him on the neck and his face was beaming red which meant that he was happy. Chibs hugged them all back fiercely, he was moved they had apparently missed him quite a lot.

“Guys, guys, “he growled playfully, “leave me in one piece, please?” 

They all laughed and for one second it was as if there hadn’t been the worst week of his whole life behind him, as if he hadn’t seen things that were so sick and disturbed he knew he could never ever erase them from his memory. His smile vanished when he suddenly thought of Juice, lying in the hospital bed, sick and wounded and without doubt scarred forever.

He swallowed heavily and he raised his hands so they would shut up. “Can we take care of this shit now?” he asked and they all lost their smiles now, too.

Jax sensed the sudden tension in the room and made a gesture towards the chapel door. “Alright, everybody. Church, now.” They all moved at once and Chibs caught Jax’s eye, nodding curtly to show his gratitude. He waited a few minutes, took a deep breath and then followed them.

The gavel went down and church started. They all looked at Jax expectantly. Jax cleared his throat and glanced at Chibs.

“Alright, everyone, let’s start. We’re here today to discuss what happened to Chibs and Juice last week. We need to gather information so we can bring the bastard who did this down. But first, Chibs, you have to tell us where you know this guy from and why he abducted you.” He fell silent and they all turned their heads to Chibs, waiting.

Chibs felt anxious at once. But he knew he couldn’t ask his Brothers to help him with this matter if he didn’t tell them everything about McAllister. So he took a deep breath and told them his story. How he got to know McAllister, how he found out about his secret organization, the threats to his family.

When he was finished with that part, there was a short silence, then Tig spoke. “So this guy’s a motherfucker first class. Let’s get him and burn him so he dies in real pain.”

“Wait,“ Bobby said, holding up one hand, “We still haven’t heard why he abducted you. This was all ten years ago, right? So why should he show up here in Charming all of the sudden to hurt you? It doesn’t make any sense.”  


Chibs sighed. “Ye’re right, Bobby. One day before they took us we met him.”

Jax raised an eyebrow. “Really? How come you didn’t tell me?”

“Well, “Chibs said, feeling uncomfortable, “there’s so much shit goin’ on at the moment, I didn’ae wanna bother you.”

Jax rolled his eyes. “Seriously?”

“Even if I told ye what could ye have done? Ye didn’t know what kinda guy McAllister was, even you wouldn’a expected him to take us the next day. Besides, I told Tig.” Chibs crossed his arms in front of his chest defensively and Jax sighed.

“Alright, fair enough. So go on, what happened when you met him?”

Chibs felt even more uncomfortable when he continued. “Well, me and Juicy had us some dinner and when we left the restaurant I felt I had tae take a piss. I told Juice tae wait. When I came back they had him backed against a wall, trying tae get into his pants.”

“Uh-oh, “Happy said, and Chibs saw several heads nodding in understanding. They all knew how protective he was of Juice and they all knew his temper.

“Lemme guess, “said Bobby, “you showed them the values of your beautiful set of knives.”

Chibs dropped his head. “Aye, I did. Nothin’ serious, I knew I couldn’ae do tha’ because of Fi an’ Kerianne. So I jist scratched his face a wee bit…but I think it was enough for him tae get really angry.”

He heard a scoff from Jax’s direction and turned his head to look at him. Jax shook his head in disapproval. “Your temper, Chibs. You should have been more careful.”  


Suddenly, his blood felt very hot in his veins and before Chibs realized what he was doing he jumped out of his chair, almost knocking it over.

“Ye canno’ be serious, Jax!” he yelled, pointing his finger at Jax accusingly. “Ye’re telling me I should’a been more careful? After everythin’ ye did? Helpin’ Clay wi’ this drug muling shit? Fuckin’ everythin’ up wi’ the Irish? Damon Pope?!” His face flushed with anger and he felt Tig next to him tuck at his cut, trying to get him into his seat again, but he jerked free. 

“Besides, wha’ should I have done? Stand by an’ watch them rape him? Should I have done tha’, Jax?” Jax looked at him in confusion, shocked at his outburst. He began to say something but couldn’t find any words. “Had it been Tara, ye would have done the same, Jax, “Chibs growled. “Ye would’ve gone and hurt anyone who tried to harm her badly.”

Awkward silence prevailed until Jax finally rubbed his eyes wearily and sighed. “Yeah, Chibs, you’re right. I would have. I’m sorry, okay?”

Chibs’s chest heaved up and down and he told himself to calm down. Tig tucked at him again and finally, after a few minutes, he sat down again, staring into everybody’s faces, daring them to say anything wrong. 

_Damn. Ye have tae be fuckin’ careful what ye’re sayin’. Comparing Juice to Tara…that was fuckin’ dangerous._ Chibs was furious with himself. He had sworn to himself that he wouldn’t openly demonstrate his true feelings for Juice in front of his Brothers when it had all started – and he had just been on the point of breaking his vow. _But I think it’s fine. I’ve always shown affection towards Juice, they know I love him like a son._ He scoffed at himself inwardly, thinking how absurd it seemed that him and Juice were that far apart in age, a fact which had always bothered him. Juice had told him that it didn’t matter to him, that he loved that Chibs was a little older because it made him so much wiser and more experienced, but still, it hadn’t stopped Chibs from feeling a little worried.

“So, Chibs.” Jax’s voice pulled Chibs out of his own thoughts and back into church. “How come McAllister didn’t just kill you? Why abduct you instead?”

Chibs’s jaw muscles twitched as he tried to think of an answer. He couldn’t tell them everything. It would be humiliating for Juice. They very probably wouldn’t respect him anymore and he could not let that happen. They had already been eyeing him suspiciously because he had behaved so strangely in the past few months. No, he would let out a few facts.

“McAllister loves to taunt and tease, “he said quietly. “He prefers torture over clean kills. So that’s what he did.”

Happy cleared his throat impatiently. “But why are you nearly unscathed? Juice looks like shit but you seem okay?”

Chibs avoided his gaze and looked at Jax instead. “Aye. He figured out that I … care for Juice very much. So he tortured him to hurt me. Made me watch while he… while he and his men had their fun with him. Knives, whip, cigarette burns, water torture, ye name it.” 

The Sons sat in silence. They all had been hurt in some way during their time as Sons – it came with the profession. Everyone of them had been stabbed or shot or hurt in another way. But none of them had had to watch a Brother be tortured and stand by helplessly. Chibs felt them looking at him with pity and compassion and he felt his face flush with fresh fury. _Fuck them! They don’t know anythin’, they don’t know how it felt to watch him suffer so severely! Fuck their pity!_

__He felt a soft hand touch his own and he realized he had clawed his hands into the wooden table, knuckles already white from the strain. He looked up and saw Jax’s eyes gaze at him intently, trying to soothe him.__

“Careful, Brother, “he said quietly, “or you’re going to hurt yourself. We’re not going to ask any more questions about what happened in that basement. Okay?” Chibs let his hands relax and nodded, exhaling breath he had apparently withheld slowly. 

__The others had watched them carefully and they stayed silent, although they wanted to ask more questions. But they all saw the state Chibs was in and they knew he would explode if driven further.__

After a few silent minutes, Tig spoke up. “Okay, so what are gonna do about that sick fuck?”

Jax leaned forwards and let his gaze wander on all of their faces as he spoke. “First: we’re going to contact every U.S. charter and tell them about McAllister so they can keep an eye out because who knows where that fuck is going? We’re also contacting SAMBEL so they know what’s going on and maybe he’s going back there, too. Bobby and Phil, I’m relying on you two to take care of that.” The two of them looked at each other shortly and then nodded. 

__“Tig, Happy, “Jax continued, “I want you two to ride back to McAllister’s property and search the area, look for clues, talk to neighbors, local folk – see if they know anything about him, where he could have gone and so on.”__

Tig pushed his fist into his other hand, already thirsty for blood. “Yeah, Jax, we got it.” Happy gave a grim nod.

Jax sighed in content but Chibs wasn’t content. “What will I do?” he asked impatiently. Jax shook his head.

“No, Chibs, I’m not gonna let you do anything like that.” He raised a hand when Chibs tried to protest. “No, you’re still weak and exhausted, even if you seem okay now. Besides, I want you to look after Juice.” Chibs frowned and hesitated in confusion. Jax rolled his eyes at his untypical slow thinking. 

__“We can’t be sure that McAllister fled. He could be hundreds of miles away by now but he could be just around the corner, too. Have you considered that?” Chibs went pale as it dawned on him that Jax was right. Jax hurried to calm him down. “I don’t think he’s that stupid. He’ll know we’ll be looking for him so I don’t think he’s near anymore. But we have to be sure. So we have to protect you and Juice.”__

Chibs snorted and rolled his eyes. “Don’t need a babysitter. I can look after myself.”

“No, man, “he heard Bobby say. “Don’t be stupid. Of course you can protect yourself but can you look after yourself and Juice and be sure you’re both safe all the time? Even when you have to sleep?”

Chibs faltered under Bobby’s stern glance, dropping his head in defeat. “No, I can’t. Ye’re right.” 

__Jax chimed in. “Yeah, and that’s why you’ll have Ratboy and V-Lin around you both 24 hours a day. V-Lin will stay with Juice at the hospital and Rat will stay with you. When you have to sleep, Rat will cover you. He can sleep when you’re awake again. When I can make some time, I will help, too, cover you myself.”__

Chibs sighed and rubbed his eyes with his knuckles, feeling suddenly very tired. “Aye, but Jax … What about the Irish and Clay? What about everythin’ else?”

Jax nodded, obviously aware of his inner struggle. “Yeah, it’s gonna be a problem. We’re not enough Brothers right now. I’m gonna call San Bernadino and Eureka, ask them if they can send some men down here for backup.” There was a general murmur of agreement and Chibs felt a little lighter. 

__Jax raised his voice and everyone went quiet again. “Okay, Chibs, I want you to rest right now, so I’m gonna send you to your bed right now. No, I don’t want to hear anything, it’s an order from your President, understood?” Chibs growled in reluctant agreement, dropping the hand he had raised in protest. “All you others, get started on your tasks. Tig and Happy, I expect you to be back tomorrow evening at the latest.” He looked around and when nobody said anything else he let the gavel fall again._ _

__Chibs stood up with all the others and turned towards the door when he felt Jax’s hand on his shoulder. “You okay, Chibs?”__

He turned towards his younger President and allowed a small smile to creep upon his lips. “Aye, Jackie. Thanks for askin’. Although I’m not happy with being ordered to bed like a wee boy.”

Jax grinned mischievously. “Yeah, sorry, but I had to.” His smile vanished. “You have to rest, after all what’s happened to you. Please just do it okay? You can go see Juice later if you wanna. But take Rat with you, okay? Always!”

Chibs grinned and clasped Jax’s shoulder. “Aye, Jackie. I promise. Now, let an old man catch some sleep, okay?” Jax released him with a last friendly wink and left the chapel. 

__Chibs looked after him, lost in thoughts. _He’s a good President. Better than Clay. I just hope this situation isn’t too much for him. I just hope McAllister’s gone for good. I want to kill him so bad, I’d die for a chance to get my hands on his throat. But not when Juice is around. I’ll die if he’s hurting him again. I’ll not let that happen!_ His mouth curved into a grim smile as he left the chapel to find his bedroom here in the clubhouse, knowing he would chase sleep in vain.__


	23. Fear in his Eyes

It had just been noon when he had laid himself down on his clubhouse bed, expecting to just lay there for hours brooding. But now he found himself waking up from a deep slumber and the room was dark and quiet. He propped himself into a seating position and glanced at the clock: it was already 9 pm! _Shit! How could I have slept so long? The whole day’s gone, for Chrissake!_ He muttered a curse under his breath and hopped off the bed.

Only then did he see a dark shadow moving slowly a few feet away from him and he acted at once without thinking. Without a word he jumped the shadow, bringing it down to the floor with him. He felt the person in his grasp shudder as he laid his hands on the other man’s throat, closing them with force. 

“Ch-Chibs, man, it’s me, p-please…let go!” he heard beneath him softly. He stopped in his movements and let go at once when he recognized the voice. “Rat?” 

He got off the floor, releasing a flustered Ratboy of his weight. He extended a hand and Ratboy took it to get up. He glared at Chibs with a slight look of hurt.

“What’s gotten into you? Didn’t you recognize me?”

Chibs lay an apologizing hand on the boy’s shoulder. “Sorry, lad. Couldn’t see ye in the dark. Thought maybe ye were somebody else.”

Rat looked into his eyes and nodded. “Okay, then. But you have to remember: From now on, I will be there with you in your room when you sleep. Please don’t forget in the future, alright?” They both laughed a little nervously and Chibs squeezed Rat’s nape shortly before he let go. “Aye. I don’t like it but aye.”

He really wasn’t comfortable with another person being there when he was sleeping. One was very vulnerable when asleep and he hated feeling vulnerable. The only persons who he had allowed in a room with him asleep had been Fiona and Juice. Even all the crow eaters he had slept with had been thrown out of the room as soon as it was over – he preferred sleeping alone, except when it was Juice sleeping next to him. That he loved. He loved when Juice curled up into a ball next to him, resting his head on Chibs’s shoulder, clinging to him as if he was afraid to break the touch even when asleep. He loved watching Juice sleep, looking so innocent and sweet and happy…

He suddenly became aware of Rat standing next to him, eyeing him curiously, so he blinked a few times to rip himself out of his reverie. _Have tae see Juice. How could I have slept so long and forgotten him?_ “We have tae go tae the hospital, “he said, already collecting his gloves and helmet to get going. “I have tae see Juice.”

Rat touched his arm carefully and shook his head. “No, Chibs, “he said with regret in his voice, “it’s too late. They won’t let you see him at this time. Besides, he will be sleeping and V-Lin is guarding his door.”

Chibs jerked his arm free and shook his head. “I don’t care! I want tae see him, now!”

And he stomped out of the room without looking after back, leaving Rat no chance but to stumble after him. He crossed the clubhouse in a few long strides, it was dark and nobody was there. Good, so nobody could go try and stop him. He put on his helmet and gloves in the few seconds it took to reach his bike. He heard Rat pant behind him, trying to keep up with him. He didn’t slow down and got on his bike.

 _Let the boy try to keep up. I don’t care if I lose him on the way to St. Thomas’s._ His face turned grim as he rolled off TM’s and onto the road. Apparently, Rat had finally managed to find his own bike because he heard a second motorcycle behind him coming nearer. He accelerated, realizing the urge to see Juice was growing painfully stronger with every second. 

He knew Juice was quite safe and there was no way McAllister was near at the moment. But still, he had to make sure himself, he had to see Juice safe and out of harm with his very own eyes. When they finally arrived at St. Thomas, he hopped off his bike and hurried inside, pushing on the buttons for the elevator rapidly, impatiently. Rat appeared at his side, slightly out of breath and a little pissed off as it seemed as his distressed “Man, thanks so much for waiting for me” clearly indicated.

Chibs ignored him completely. He only wanted to see Juice. He also ignored V-Lin slumped into a chair in front of Juice’s room, opening the door without further ado, entering the room. He heard Rat and V-Lin converse quietly: “What’s going on? Why are you here?” – “He wanted to come here suddenly. Couldn’t stop him.” But he didn’t care – all he cared for was his Juice, lying in the bed in front of him, looking just like he had left him this morning.

He was still hooked to an IV and to the breathing machine. His head was slightly crooked to the right, exposing the left side of his face. Deep circles under his eyes, the pale color of his skin, the few small cuts scattered on his face and neck – all that undermined his vulnerability, his helplessness and Chibs couldn’t help himself but lean over him and take his face into his hands

“Juicy, “he whispered, stifling a choking sound that wanted to come out of this throat, “I’m here.” He lowered his head and planted a small sweet kiss on Juice’s cold forehead. He trembled as he held him close. He had needed this. He needed Juice so bad it hurt, his heart seemed to burst with overflowing love and need. _I have tae tell Jackie he can go fuck himself. I will stay here. I’ll not go anywhere, not the clubhouse, or home … I will look over Juice and whoever tries to stop me can go flyin’ out the fuckin’ window…_

He winced when he suddenly felt Juice in his arms stir. “Wha--? Where…?”

Juice’s eyes fluttered open as he struggled free of Chibs’s grasp. “Juice! Ye’re awake! Thank God, “exclaimed Chibs but then he was shocked to see Juice’s reaction. As soon as Juice saw who was sitting in front of him, as soon as he heard Chibs’s voice he freaked out. His eyes widened with terror and he tried to scramble backwards, away from Chibs. But he only managed to get away a few inches until his head thumped against the head piece of his bed so he began to look around frantically, searching for a way to escape. His breath went faster and faster until he was on the point of hyperventilating. Juice began to choke and pant and his one hand went to his throat in a desperate need for breath while his other began to tuck at the tubes in his arm. 

Chibs’s eyes went wide as he observed all of this but he told himself to do something, so he grabbed Juice by the shoulders and shook him so that he would snap out of his panic. But he only managed to frighten Juice even more. Suddenly, the machine next to the bed began to beep frantically, getting louder and louder, indicating that Juice’s heartbeat had increased dangerously. Juice himself was gasping for air desperately while he tried to free himself of Chibs’s hands on his shoulders.

“Lemme go, please, please! “ he whimpered and Chibs eased his grip but didn’t let go because he knew Juice would try to get out of bed then and that wouldn’t do.

“Juice!” he barked, “snap out of it! It’s me, Chibs!”

But Juice didn’t snap out of it, his eyes only widened further and his breath increased more up until the point that Chibs feared he would have a heart attack. 

Suddenly, there were several people in the room with them, shouting and bustling about. Someone grabbed him from behind and tried to pull him to the back of the room and when he struggled with all his might to stay where he was another pair of arms grabbed him, too and he could only watch helplessly as he was pulled away from Juice’s bed. He was still able to see two or three nurses and a tall bearded doctor lean over Juice, see them injecting him with something, when he was pulled onto the hospital floor and the door to the room was slammed shut. 

He turned around in a rush of fury, ready to kill someone and he raised his fist to do so. Rat and V-Lin stood before him and they both held up their hands appeasingly. “Calm down, Chibs!” Rat yelled and Chibs’s fist stopped midair. He looked into Rat’s eyes and he saw the boy wince under his furious glare but he didn’t care. He was fucking angry! What had happened just now? He growled a deep growl from deep within his lungs and Rat and V-Lin backed away from him a little more.

Rat gathered up a little more courage to speak again: “Please, I said calm down. Sorry, but we had to pull you back from there. The doctor needed to take a look at him, you were in the way.”

Chibs growled again, his ire re-igniting at the implied accusation. Rat refused to back away more and threw him a defiant glare. “Sorry, but it was the right decision. Besides, he wasn’t up to seeing you, apparently.”

Chibs dropped his fist and turned away from them. “Aye, lad.”

He was too exhausted to say anything else and he just sat down in the chair V-Lin had vacated earlier. He leaned forward and buried his face in his hands. _I don’ae understand this. Did he flip out because of me? Am I the reason he’s all upset an’ hysterical? His eyes … when they saw me. How he flinched when he heard my voice… No, it cannot be. He’s jist confused. He doesn’t know where is, he’s still traumatized from being locked up an’ tortured all the time … he probably thought I was one of McAllister’s guys or somethin’…._

He tried to tell himself that that was the answer, that Juice was only confused and had thought he was somebody else. But he wasn’t totally convinced. He had seen the recognition in Juice’s eyes. But whatever alternative conclusion there was – he didn’t want to face it. He only wanted those people to come out of the room again and tell him that Juice was okay again and that everything was just a misunderstanding. 

The muffled voices and noises coming from behind the closed door made him nervous. _What is goin’ on in there? How long does it take to stabilize him? Bunch of imbeciles!_ Chibs began to pace the corridor up and down, telling himself he would wait about five minutes more and then he would enter Juice’s room again, rules be damned. Rat and V-Lin hovered nearby, observing him nervously but they said nothing. 

After exactly four minutes and twenty-three seconds, the door opened and three nurses scattered out of the room, followed by the weary-looking doctor. Chibs strode over to him at once and stood before him, effectively blocking his way.

The doctor looked at him in surprise, raising an eyebrow. “Yes? Can I help you?”

“Aye, “Chibs said gruffly, “you can. Tell me what happened to Juice in there and how he is now.” 

The doctor eyed him up and down for a moment and then sighed. “Are you a relative of Mr. Ortiz?”

Chibs stepped a little nearer so that their faces were just inches away from each other. “No, I’m not. But I’m a very good friend an’ I’d like tae know wha’ happened, now!”

Their eyes locked for a few seconds and Chibs glared at the man with all the force and intimidation he could muster. But the doctor didn’t seem to be intimidated, he just glared back. 

After a few seconds, the doctor broke eye contact and scoffed, stepping around Chibs. “I don’t like to be threatened, Sir. I take it that you are concerned about your friend and that is why you are acting so out of line, so I’m ready to forgive you for that. But unless you tell me your name, I cannot help you.”

Chibs sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He actually felt a little ashamed. 

“Alright, my name is Filip Telford. I am the patient who came in with him yesterday. Dr. Janet’s patient.”

The doctor’s eyes lit up with realization. “Ah, so that is you. Yes, Dr. Janet told me about you. We had to consult each other because you knew about Mr. Ortiz’s wounds.” Chibs nodded and the doctor smiled, reaching out a hand. “I’m Dr. Welling. Nice to meet you, Mr. Telford.” Chibs shook his hand and made a mental note to himself. _The man doesn’ae seem tha’ incompetent after all._

“Mr. Telford, “Dr. Welling cleared his throat, “Mr. Ortiz’s heart palpitated quite strongly but we managed to calm him down and gave him a strong sedative. He’s fine now.”

Chibs sighed, relief washing over him. “But what has caused it?” he asked worriedly.

Dr. Welling furrowed his brows and said: “Well, the only thing I can imagine is emotional stress. He has been frightened or shocked, that is why his heart beat too fast, he was very distressed. Mr. Telford, can you tell me what happened in there? Did you say something to him that might have upset him?”

Chibs shook his head in growing frustration. “No. He was asleep when I came in. I sat down next to him an’ spoke to him, nothin’ important. Then he came to but he suddenly freaked out. He began to hyperventilate an’ tried to get out of bed so I stopped him. Tha’s it. I really don’t understand this.” 

Dr. Welling scratched his beard as his eyes observed Chibs carefully. “So you didn’t say anything to upset him. Then it must have been the sight of you that did it.”

Chibs’s mouth curved down in anger. “No. Doesn’a make any sense. He lov-… he and I, we – we care for each other a lot.”

Dr. Welling nodded but didn’t seem convinced. “Well, you two went through a lot together the last week, didn’t you? Could be that he was reminded of that just by seeing you. But I have to say … it’s a very strong reaction if it was that. Hmmm…”

He shook his head and looked at his watch. “I’m sorry, Mr. Telford, I have to go now. Don’t worry about your friend now, he’ll be fine.” He suddenly frowned as he realized something: “What are you doing here at this time anyway? Visiting hours are long over. I must ask you to leave now.” And he looked at Chibs sternly.

Chibs gave up. “Aye, alright. I’ll go.” One glance at the other two waiting: “Rat, are ye comin’? V-Lin, keep a good eye on the door, ye understand?” They both nodded vigorously and he threw one last glance at Dr. Welling in front of him. “Thank ye, Doctor.” He turned and went up to the elevator, Rat right behind him. 

The ride home did nothing to ease his tension. At home, he didn’t bother to brush his teeth or get rid of his clothes. He just lost his cut and boots and threw himself on the bed. Rat appeared in the room and settled into a chair across the bed. Chibs turned on his side, it made him feel more private. But as soon as he had closed his eyes he knew that he could not sleep now. He sat up and looked at Rat. “Ye tired, Rat?”

Rat looked at him suspiciously. “Maybe. Why do you ask?” “Cos I’m not, “Chibs grunted. “Take the bed. I’ll take this watch.” 

Rat shook his head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Chibs…”

Chibs hopped off the bed and put his boots back on. “I slept enough. I’m good. Do what ye want, lad, but I’m up.”

Rat sighed as Chibs wandered off into the kitchen to make himself some coffee. When he returned to his bedroom, Rat was already asleep in his chair. He couldn’t resist a low chuckle. He settled himself onto his couch and turned the TV on. It would be a long night.


	24. Bloody Hands

2 am and he still wasn’t feeling sleepy. Instead, he was sitting there on his couch, staring at the TV screen without registering what he was watching, taxing his brain about the situation with Juice in the hospital. Images of Juice looking at him with wide, frightened eyes, of him trying to scramble away from him, roamed his mind constantly, making him crazy.

 _It couln’a have been because of me. He was confused, he didn’a recognize me. He’s still in shock, he cannot distinguish friend from foe … all those meds they put into him, how could his brain function normally?_ Over and over he told himself that Juice hadn’t been afraid of _him_ , that he hadn’t tried to get away from _him_. That everything had just been a misunderstanding and that the next time he saw him Juice would smile at him in excitement and hug him, overcome with joy at the sight of him.

But he knew that he was lying to himself. He knew that Juice had recognized him and that it hadn’t been med-induced confusion or whatever that had made him hyperventilate at the sight of him. Juice had been afraid of him, terribly afraid – because of what Chibs had done to him in that damned basement. He had hurt him badly by whipping him just inches away from death, hell, he had helped those monsters torture him! 

The look in Juice’s eyes when he had realized Chibs was going to hit him with the whip … God, it was killing him! This look of betrayal and hurt and fear and desperation … that first cry of unbelieving pain … he could still hear it echo in his ears now. He could still picture his limp, bloody body lying on the hard floor, looking so broken and he was the one who had broken it.

_God, what have I done?! I betrayed him! I betrayed his trust! I told him I would protect him and what have I done? I watched him getting beating and raped and tortured and then I participated in it! I’m a monster, too! No wonder he panicked when he saw me right in front of him on his bed. No wonder he nearly had a heart attack. I betrayed him and now I have lost his trust forever…_

The tears welled up in Chibs’s throat and he let them flow freely. He cried and cried and it felt kind of relieving but he couldn’t stop because every few minutes he would think of Juice’s face full of hurt and panic and a fresh sob would croak out of his sore throat. Soon his face and shirt were soaked through with his tears and his head started to ache from all the strain of crying.

He got up and found some tissues to blow his nose. He huddled himself into the corner of the couch and wished he could just disappear into it. He wished he could just cease to exist for a while because he didn’t think he could bear this pain any longer. 

He had felt so relieved when he had found out that Juice was still alive. Hell, he had discovered within seconds that he himself wanted to live after all. His death wish had vanished and he had found his meaning in life again. Juice was alive, so everything was okay and yes, it would be very difficult to overcome this trauma he had experienced but Chibs had sworn to himself he would help him through it, he would fight the demons for him and they would, after some time, be able to lead a happy and peaceful life together – well, as peaceful as the life as Sons could be.

But he had been blind and stupid. Too dumb to realize the damage he had done with that whip. He scoffed at himself in disbelief. McAllister truly was a cruel bastard. Cruel, but smart. By forcing that whip into Chibs’s hand he had managed to break the bond between him and Juice, had managed to terrorize their lives even after they had been rescued. Chibs curled his hand into a fist and slammed it into the coffee table. He didn’t even feel the pain searing through his bones. 

_Bastard! Fuckin’ bastard McAllister! I curse the day I met him! After all these years, he comes into my life an’ tears it apart, like it’s nothing, like it’s jist a fuckin’ game to him, a wee pastime for him to amuse himself an’ then he’s gone again but he leaves everything destroyed in his wake an’ I hate him an’ I want t rip the guts out of his belly an’ cut the tongue out of his mouth an’…._

He stopped himself when he realized he was mumbling to himself frantically. _Like a fuckin’ crazy person!_ He laughed a short, fake laugh and the sound of it was alien, almost surreal to him. He pulled his legs closer to himself and rested his chin on his knees. He looked at his knuckles and saw that they were bloody and bruised. _Huh. Didn’a even realize…_

Following a sudden impulse, he pulled his knife out of its sheath. He held it up and studied its silver, smooth blade, shimmering as the moonlight fell down on it through the window. It looked relatively harmless, but he had picked this knife as his favorite tool eternities ago because it was so sharp it only needed a few millimeters to be deadly. He played with it, turning it in his hands a little. He let his thumb run down the blade very slowly and winced only a little when he felt a tiny sting. He watched in fascination when a thick red drop of blood rolled from his thumb down his hand. He leaned down and licked the blood away. 

It tasted strange and coppery and he suddenly knew he had tasted exactly the same taste just a while ago. Then he remembered: he had bitten his tongue when they had beaten Juice for the first time. Nausea welled up in him again as he vividly pictured Juice trying to evade his torturers, cringing and trembling as the knives cut into his flesh again and again. He swallowed down in order to avoid throwing up, but the nausea didn’t subside. 

So he took the knife and deliberately cut his left palm in one swift motion. This time, it hurt really badly but he embraced the pain, he wanted it and it made the nausea go away. He held up his hand and watched curiously as several drops of blood fell down on his knee, staining his jeans. _Interesting … the red is so dark … the drops are so thick … I wonder how many drops more I’m gonna have tae lose until I pass out…._ And he held the knife to his hand again to cut it some more, when suddenly there was a loud knock on his door.

His head jerked up and he suddenly realized what he’d been doing. He stared at his bleeding hands and cursed. _Fuck! Great! Have tae clean this shit up!_ He scrambled off the couch hastily and made a run for the bathroom while the knocks at the door became louder and more impatient. He grabbed the first towel he could find and wrapped it around the left hand which bled worse than the other one. He held his right thumb under the water for a few seconds, then ran into the hallway to open the door. 

Right in front of him stood Jax. His hand was raised to knock again and his face was full of impatience and concern. “Chibs!” he ejaculated when he saw him. “Finally! What took you so long? Why are you up anyway?”

Chibs stepped back to let him in and closed the door behind him. Jax stared at him curiously and Chibs ran his right hand through his hair as if he had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. “Ah, Jackie, couldn’a sleep so I just sat down an’ watched some TV.” 

Jax studied him carefully as he asked “Rat here, I hope?”

“Aye, “Chibs said, “he’s asleep in the bedroom. Kid was exhausted.”

Jax grinned. “Yeah, I thought that maybe could be the case. I had him running a lot of errands the last few days so I kinda feared he would be tired. Figured I checked if maybe you both weren’t asleep.” Chibs felt a warm feeling spread out in his chest and he smiled. He was moved that Jax was so worried about him, it made him feel not quite as alone as he had felt just a few minutes ago. 

“Tha´s sweet of ye, Jackie-Boy. But ye shouldn’a have come. Ye must be tired, too.”

Jax waved his worries away. “Nah, “he said, “don’t sleep very well at the moment. Worried about Tara, you know.”

“Oh. Aye, “Chibs said quietly and for a few seconds they just stood there in the hallway, silent and uncertain what to do next. Then, Jax’s gaze fell upon the towel around Chibs’s hand and he furrowed his brows. “What’s that?” he asked curiously and stepped forward to take a look at it. 

Chibs took one step backwards and felt the blood rush to his head in embarrassment. “Ah, it’s nothin’. Cut my hand just before ye knocked. Stupid accident.”

Jax frowned at him and grabbed his arm before Chibs could prevent it. Jax unwrapped the towel and took a look at the deep cut in Chibs’s palm, still bleeding. “Chibs, what happened?” he gasped. Chibs grimaced and didn’t say anything. Jax stared at him in now serious confusion, then shook his head and began to pull Chibs towards the bathroom.

“This has to be cleaned, “he muttered, as he forced Chibs’s arm into the sink and turned the water on. Chibs hissed as the cold water washed through the bloody gash, making it burn. But Jax held him down with his left hand while he began to rummage around the bathroom cabinet in front of them. “Don’t you have any first-aid stuff? You’re our medic, you have to have something, “he said through gritted teeth.

Chibs sighed in defeat. “Aye, “he mumbled, “first-aid-kit, top shelf, on the right.” Jax found it and took it out. He let go of Chibs’s arm and searched for some bandages in the kit.

“Shit, “he cursed, “I’m not good at this. What do I need?” Chibs reached around him and took bandages and a small tube out of the kit with his right hand.

“Here. Antibiotic ointment. Ye need to put some on the wound, then bandage it.”

Jax nodded nervously and looked at him: “Has the wound stopped bleeding yet? Is it clean?”

Chibs inspected his hand and nodded: “Aye, cut wasn’a that deep after all.” So they stopped the water and dried Chibs’s hand with a clean towel. Chibs sat on the edge of the tub while Jax smeared some ointment on the wound and bandaged the hand carefully. When he saw that Chibs’s right thumb was bleeding a little, he bandaged it, too.

When he was done, Chibs chuckled and looked up at him: “Pretty good, Jackie. Ye can become my assistant, help me next time somebody’s hurt.”

Jax threw him a seemingly menacing glare but then his lips widened and he broke into a wide grin. “Don’t tease me, Chibbie. You’re at my mercy at the moment, don’t forget.” They both smiled and Jax leaned forward to press a soft kiss on Chibs’s forehead. “Everything alright, brother?” he whispered and Chibs sighed. Jax wasn’t stupid. He knew Chibs so well, he had probably realized something was wrong the moment he had entered the house.

“Let’s go into the living room, ‘kay?” he said quietly and Jax stepped back and nodded. Chibs went into the kitchen to get two glasses, a bottle of Jameson and sat down onto the couch across from Jax. He poured them both a glass and handed one of them to Jax. He took two cigarettes out of the packet lying on the coffee table and lighted them both. When he offered one to Jax, Jax took it silently and so they sat for a few minutes in complete silence, sipping their whiskey, dragging on their cigarettes. 

“So…” Jax cleared his throat and rubbed his chin a little anxiously while he threw an inquisitive look at Chibs. “Care to tell me what really happened to your hand? What’s going on, brother?” He leaned forward and waited for an answer patiently. Chibs avoided his glance and stared into his glass instead, playing with the amber liquid within. At last, he pressed his uninjured hand to his eyes and massaged his forehead because he felt a headache advancing quickly again. 

“Saw Juice in the hospital this evening. Didn’a go very well, “he whispered.

Jax raised his eyebrows in slight surprise. “You did? They let you in this late? What went wrong?”

Chibs shook his head, as if it would erase what he told Jax now. “He saw me and panicked. Nearly had a heart attack, they had to sedate him.”

Jax frowned and said nothing for a while. Then he shook his head and shrugged his shoulders. “Yeah, so Juice is still a little anxious now. Can you blame him after what happened to him?” 

Chibs shook his head, this time angrily and he jerked his head up to glare at Jax with blazing dark eyes. “No, Jax! Ye don’t understand! He panicked because of me! It was the sight of me tha’ made him hyperventilate, made him fuckin’ freak out!” He jumped off the couch because he suddenly felt he couldn’t sit still anymore. He paced the floor up and down and ran a trembling hand through his hair while he drew on his cigarette with the other. 

Jax stared at him aghast and seemed to search for the right words to say. But then he didn’t say anything, he got up, too and grabbed Chibs by the shoulders. “Chibs! Chibs, look at me!” He shook him until Chibs finally looked into his eyes, his face contorted with misery and self-hate. “Chibs! Why should Juice freak out because he saw you? That doesn’t make any sense! There’s something you’re not telling me, is there?” Chibs tried to struggle out of Jax’s grasp but his young President wouldn’t let him, his arm muscles bulging with the effort of constraining Chibs. 

Then, just like that, Chibs gave up. He went completely still and his shoulders slumped down. “Aye, Jackie, “he whispered, “there’s something I haven’t told ye.”

He dropped his chin and Jax tried to make eye contact again in vain. “What is it, Chibs?” he asked very quietly.

Chibs’s mouth opened and closed again. _Fuck, I cannot say it!_ Then, suddenly, the words tumbled out of his mouth, escaping his tongue before he could stop them. “I-I whipped him.” There, it was out, he had said it.

Jax let go of his shoulders. “You what?” he asked, looking dumbstruck. Chibs turned away from him, unable to look into Jax’s face anymore. 

“I whipped him, Jackie. They … they ordered me to do it. Said they would kill him if I didn’a do it. So I did it.” His eyes filled with fresh tears and he raised his hand to his mouth to stop a sob from coming out. Jax stepped to his side and laid a tentative hand on his shoulder, but Chibs jerked free at once, he just couldn’t bear the touch now. Jax let out a slow, anxious sigh and shook his head sadly.

“It’s not your fault, brother. They forced you to do it. You had to do it.”

Chibs turned toward him and Jax stumbled away a little when he saw the pain and anguish in his tear-streaked eyes. “You don’a understand, Jax, “Chibs cried out, “I whipped him till he was nearly dead. They didn’a force me to do that! I raised my hand and after that first blow I … I cannot remember anythin’. There’s jist a black space in my head. But after a while somebody grabbed me an’ held me back an’ it was as if I woke up from a bad dream. Then they told me how bad I had whipped him, that he was nearly dead an’ I looked down an’ there he lay a-and Jax, the sight of him, y-you cannot imagine…” And he burst into tears, covering his face in his hands, too ashamed to let Jax see his pain.

He groaned in anguish and embarrassment when he felt Jax wrap his arms around him, hugging him tightly. But he didn’t resist when he felt the familiar touch of another forehead against his and he leaned into it thankfully. “It’s not your fault, Chibs, “he heard Jax whisper and he shook his head at once. 

“Aye, it is, I hurt him and I can never take it back again.”

Jax took his head into his hands and forced him to look into his eyes. “Chibs, listen to me, “he said, emphasizing each word. “You were delirious. It was too much for your mind to grasp. You lost control over your actions, it’s completely understandable in a situation like yours.” 

Chibs tried to jerk his head free, his eyes denying the truth in Jax’s words. “No! That’s just false excuse! I hurt him, Jackie! I hurt him badly and he can never trust me again!”  


Jax clicked his tongue impatiently and cupped Chibs’s face into his hands – forcefully but almost tenderly at the same time. “That’s nonsense, brother! I know how much you love Juice! Hell, everybody knows it, you two are like inseparable! We all know you wouldn’t hurt him out of your own free will for anything in the world! And he knows that, too!”  


Chibs let out a small choke and shook his head wearily one last time. “It’s true, “Jax said quietly, “he doesn’t know it now because he’s in shock and doesn’t know what’s going on. But once he’s better and we can explain everything to him he’ll understand. It will take some time probably, but he will understand. I just know it!” 

Chibs glanced up into Jax’s kind and eager eyes and said nothing. Suddenly, he felt weary and tired and he just wanted to be left alone. “Ye’re probably right, Jax, “he mumbled. He actually felt a little better now. He was far from being convinced that Jax was right. He was still sure that Juice would never want to speak to him again and that whatever relationship they had had was broken. 

But there was a tiny flicker of hope inside his heart now that Jax had planted there. _Maybe he is right…maybe there is a chance that Juice will understand…maybe I can…_ No, he couldn’t dare to raise his hopes too high. It was too risky and he would be crushed again if his hopes would be disappointed.  


“I’m tired now, Jackie. Will ye stay here?” he asked and he hated how frail his voice sounded. He knew he had let himself go in front of Jax, had made himself look very weak and he was ashamed of it. He was the proud and strong Chibs and nobody would see him break down and cry because – well, because that’s just not what he did. He didn’t cry and he didn’t suffer, period. 

But he knew in his heart that this was rubbish. He had cried and suffered so much in the past few weeks it was ridiculous. Had his Brothers seen him there in that basement, a picture of misery, weak and terrified – he was sure they would lose all respect for him. Now Jax had seen him like this. He really had lost all his pride. _Wow, way tae go, Filip. Ye’re quite the man._

He flinched when he heard Jax answer. He had quite forgotten all about him. “Sure, brother. Rest. I’ll guard you.” He looked up at the kindness in Jax’s voice and was surprised to see only brotherly love and empathy there in his face. No trace of disrespect or disgust. Jax gestured towards the bedroom and said: “Go ahead, brother” and he smiled. Chibs smiled a small smile back and he felt a lot lighter when he turned away. 

“One more thing, brother, “Jax said behind him quietly and Chibs froze. “Please don’t hurt yourself again, okay? It’s wrong and you punishing yourself for nothing doesn’t help anyone. Alright?”

Chibs slumped his shoulders in total defeat. “Aye, “he whispered demurely.

Feeling amazingly empty, he stumbled towards the bedroom and let himself fall on the bed. Before he fell into a deep slumber one last thought popped into his head. _Thank God for Jax Teller. Juice, please, please be able to forgive me._


	25. A Glimmer of Hope

He awoke when the first rays of light fell through the windows and tickled his skin. He sat up and looked around in slight confusion. He had actually slept well for a few hours. No nightmares, no dreams at all in fact, only total, complete darkness he could sink into and which allowed his weary body to rest a bit. He stretched his arms and yawned. He really felt a lot better than yesterday. 

His eyes fell on the empty chair across the bed. _Huh? Where’s Rat?_ He reached out for the gun on his night table at once and climbed out of the bed carefully. _Shit! What’s goin’ on? Somethin’ must have happened!_ He peeked around the corner, holding the gun right in front of his chest so he could use it immediately if he had to. The corridor was empty. He stepped into it, careful not to make any sound. One quick look into the bathroom: empty as well. 

Suddenly, he heard a noise, something clattering. It seemed to come from the kitchen so he carefully crept alongside the wall and turned his head to see someone leaning into the fridge. He couldn’t see anything except for black pants. He braced himself and jumped into the kitchen. “Hands up! Who’s there?”  


The person behind the fridge door froze, then put up his hands and he heard a deep sigh. “Chibs. It’s me, Rat.” 

Chibs lowered his gun and let out a long breath as Rat emerged from behind the fridge with a slightly frustrated expression on his face.  


“Gee, Chibs, gimme a break. How many times do we have to do this?” Rat asked as he turned towards the coffee machine which had just finished making some fresh coffee. 

Chibs shrugged. “Hey, it’s not my fault ye’re not on yer post, ye know.” Rat grimaced as he poured them both a cup of coffee.  


“Sorry, man, I just went a few seconds ago to get some coffee. Wouldn’t have expected you to wake moments after me.”  


Chibs clicked his tongue and took the coffee Rat offered him. “Why are ye awake anyway?” he asked. 

“Well, I woke two hours ago and was frightened to death to find Jax sitting right next to me. He seemed tired so I offered to take the next watch.” Rat sipped at his coffee and cursed when he burnt his tongue on the hot brew. 

Chibs nodded and turned away to step into the living room. He chuckled lowly to himself when he saw Jax sprawled out on his couch, half on the point of falling down. He went over and shook his shoulder, not at all gentle. “Jackie! Jackie-Boy!” 

Jax’s eyes opened wide and Jax looked around in confusion. “Huh? What?”  


Chibs grinned down at him. “Like my couch?” 

Jax realized where he was and he frowned in dismay. “Chibs, man, your couch is awful! My back is gonna hurt the whole week!”

Chibs chuckled and helped Jax up. “Coffee?” 

Jax’s face lit up and he nodded vigorously. “Oh, yes, please!”

Rat joined them with coffee all ready for Jax and Jax downed it eagerly, obviously used to hot steaming coffee because he didn’t burn himself. 

He then looked at his watch. “Guys, I wanna meet Lowen today before I visit Tara. But before, I thought we could head to St. Thomas’s, pay Juice a visit?”

Chibs looked at him in surprise. Jax wanted to accompany him to see Juice? Obviously, he had some sort of plan judging by the twinkle in his eye and the cheerful smile on his face. Chibs raised his eyebrows but didn’t dare ask what Jax had in mind. 

“Okaaaay….” he said slowly, a big question mark on his face but Jax ignored it.

He strutted towards the door and spoke over his shoulder. “Come on, guys.” 

Chibs looked at Rat who likewise seemed a little bewildered by their President’s behavior but they both recovered quickly. They grabbed their helmets and gloves and followed Jax outside to get on their bikes. 

_What is Jax gonna do? He seemed almost jolly. I don’t know if it’s a good idea to see Juice again after wha’ happened yesterday, but … I want to see him. What the heck, I’m jist gonna follow Jax on this, let’s see what he has planned …_

But Chibs couldn’t quite stop his hands from clenching into the handle of his Dyna as the tension creeping up his neck increased with every mile they came nearer to the hospital. 

**********************

His hands were sweaty when they entered the elevator and he rubbed them on his jeans in a futile attempt to get them dry. He felt Jax’s reassuring hand on his shoulders and managed to relax a little but he couldn’t make the tight knot in his stomach go away, it seemed to be eating away into his guts inexorably. They stepped out of the elevator and now Chibs could feel the sweat run down his neck as well. 

He stopped in his tracks and dropped his head. “Maybe this isn’a such a good idea…” he mumbled and already started to turn away when Jax grabbed his arm quickly.  
“No, Chibs! Stay, okay? I know this is hard, but you cannot run away. We need to do this.” 

Chibs was stunned at the serious but confident look on Jax’s face. He gave him a doubtful but assenting nod and Jax let his arm go.

When they stood in front of Juice’s room, Jax put his hand on Chibs’s shoulder. “Wait here, okay? I’m gonna go in alone first and talk to him. I will fetch you in a bit. Alright?” Chibs raised his eyebrow in wonder. “Aye, “he growled. 

He stepped away from the door a little and watched as Jax knocked quietly and entered the room. He stared at the white closed door in front of him and wished he could see through it, see what Jax and Juice were talking about now. He repressed the urge to lean his ear against the door to eavesdrop because Rat and V-Lin were right behind him.  


A good five minutes passed and Chibs once again found himself pacing the floor up and down in nervous impatience. He wanted to know what was going on behind that door and he didn’t want to know. He knew that Jax was trying to explain to Juice that Chibs hadn’t meant to hurt him, that he was trying to pave the way for Chibs and he was awfully thankful for that. 

But at the same time he couldn’t help but feel utterly helpless and lost. What if Juice didn’t believe Jax? What if Juice was unable to forgive him or forget his betrayal? He knew he couldn’t bear it if Juice told him he didn’t want to see him again. _Fuck, Jax. This really was a bad idea. Why did I let him drag me here? I should have given him more time, should have let him recover some more, I should have…_

Suddenly, the door opened and Jax’s head popped out. “Chibs. You coming?” 

Chibs froze and within seconds, his heart was beating in his throat and his knees were feeling weak as if they would fail him any second. But he swallowed and nodded, following Jax into Juice’s room with clenched fists and sweat now gathering in the small of his back.

As soon as he entered the room he felt Jax’s hand on his chest, pushing him back against the door gently. “Stay here, okay?” he said quietly and Chibs nodded as he understood. “Of course, “he croaked out as his eyes fell on Juice sitting up in his bed. He felt as if a cold, cruel hand clenched around his heart and tightened as he saw those big brown eyes he loved so much look at him in barely controlled fear and terror. He saw that Juice’s hands were gripping into the sheets hardly and he swallowed heavily. 

_He’s afraid of me. God, it’s killin’ me, my Juice is afraid of me. He looks like a wounded animal, cornered against a wall, for Chrissake. Fuck! Okay, Filip, calm down, at least he isn’t panicking or hyperventilating right now …_

It was true: although Juice’s chest heaved up and down faster than was normal, he seemed steady enough. His eyes searched Chibs’s and when their eyes met, he looked down quickly as if caught doing something wrong. Chibs looked at his feet likewise and felt really shitty and lost.

Jax stood between them and he switched from looking at Juice to Chibs repeatedly, giving them time to adjust to the situation for a few silent minutes. After a while, he cleared his throat and spoke in a calm, almost fatherly tone: “Alright, guys. I know this is hard for you both. But I want you to listen to me for a bit. Just listen and then you can decide what you wanna do. Okay?” He looked at them both and Chibs saw Juice nod his head in hesitant agreement, so he did the same. 

“Alright, good, “Jax said and he exhaled loudly. “Chibs, for now and the nearer future it’s better you keep your distance from Juice. He’s just too anxious at the moment to let you near, so you pay attention that you’re always a few feet away. Okay?” 

Chibs dropped his eyes under Jax’s strict gaze but he nodded readily enough. _It hurts, but I understand. I do._

“Aye. I promise to keep my distance, “he said quietly, looking up at Juice. He saw him wince a little but he didn’t look away. He wanted him to know that he was serious, that he was trying to make amends.

Jax nodded, satisfied and continued, looking at Juice now. “Juice, please look at me.” Juice turned his head towards Jax, his eyes nervous, his jaw tense. “I talked to Chibs, “Jax began, “he told me about … what happened in that basement. He told me what he did to you.” 

At these last words Juice closed his eyes and Chibs could see his chin tremble for a seconds, saw his Adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallowed heavily. After a few seconds, Juice had himself under control again and opened his eyes to look at Jax again.

“Yes?” he asked in a very quiet voice. 

Jax sighed but did not break eye contact. “I know it was very bad, Juice. He hurt you really bad. But you must know he didn’t mean it.” He held up a hand as Juice opened his mouth to speak. “Hear me out, please. Juice, Chibs hates himself for what he did to you. He cannot believe he did it, either. But you know he had to do it or they would have shot you. So he did it to protect you. And yes, he overdid it, nearly killed you, but … “

Jax shot a worried glance at Chibs who stared at the ground, pale and trembling. “But he wasn’t himself. He blacked out when he hit you, he lost control over what he was doing. It’s because this whole situation was driving him crazy, with them torturing you like they did and he was so into protecting you that he … he, well he lost himself for a few minutes.” 

Chibs heard Jax explain his own actions and he felt shame creeping up his whole body, invading him, throttling him. To him, Jax’s words sound hollow and false. It was all false excuses. There was simply no way Juice could believe them, because damn, he himself didn’t believe them. There was just no way to excuse his actions, no matter what state his mind had been in, no matter if he had done it to protect Juice from death. It all didn’t matter. 

All that mattered was Juice suffering under Chibs’s hands. His bruised and bloodied body, helpless as the whip in Chibs’s vicious hands crushed down unto him again and again. His teary, unbelieving eyes when he realized what Chibs was about to do and the look of betrayal and fear a few seconds later. Who was he kidding? There was no way to fix this. He knew he couldn’t forgive it if someone he loved had done that to him.

“Chibs, brother.” Jax’s voice startled him and pulled him back into the here and now. “I think you should tell Juice all this with your own words. He needs to hear it from you as well.”  


Chibs froze and looked at Juice. Juice still looked terribly frightened but there was also something else in his eyes: something Chibs could only identify as doubt and maybe even a hint of hope.

He opened his mouth but then realized his throat was dry and he had to swallow a few times so he could speak. He didn’t manage to look Juice fully in the eye, instead his eyes focused on Jax but sometimes his eyes flickered towards Juice. 

“I-It’s true. They forced me, “he whispered, his voice hoarse and unsteady. “I don’t know why I did what I did. I had this whip in my hand and suddenly my hand moved and then I don’t know anything and when I came to they pulled me away and told me I’ve overdone it. I cannot explain it, I guess I was overwhelmed with the pressure or something…”  


He hated the sound of his voice. He hated how it trembled, how weak and cowardly he sounded. The words sounded lame and weak in his mind but at least Jax was giving him a comforting, reassuring nod and that’s a small comfort. _But hell, I have to stop being a coward. Ye did what ye did, now man up and apologize!_

He turned his heads towards Juice in sudden determination. It wavered at once when he saw Juice’s face. His chin was trembling badly, tears were streaking down his cheeks and his breath went too quickly. 

But he looked at Chibs in desperation, searching for his eyes, searching for the truth in his words, Chibs realized and he finally locked eyes with him, staring into those brown, hurting eyes, speechless for a while. Feeling suddenly very restless, he made one quick step forward but stopped at once when Jax held out a warning hand. “Stop, Chibs, stay where you are.”

Chibs swallowed and nodded, holding up his hands to signal he understood. He took one more look into Juice’s tearful eyes, became aware of one of his heartbreaking sobs and it’s as something in him clicked. 

“Juice!” he exclaimed, his voice a little steadier now. “Please, listen! I swear I didn’t know what I was doing. I cannot believe I’ve done that to ye an’ believe me, I hate myself for it! Please, Juice, please forgive me, I’m sorry, I’m so unbelievably sorry I hurt ye! I wish I could take it back, I wish I could make it okay again, but I can’t, so … so all I can say is I’m awfully, terribly sorry.” It had all come out in one quick swoop and he panted as he tried to catch his breath.

But he didn’t break eye contact. His eyes searched Juice’s face desperately for a reaction to his words. Juice’s sobs had quieted down as soon as Chibs had begun his little confession. His eyes still brimming with unshed tears bore into his, boring into his soul as if searching for the truth in his words. 

Chibs held his gaze but his heart ached more with every second, begging for relief. _He wants to believe me. I see it in his eyes._ But then he swallowed as another thought entered his mind. _Stupid! Ye’re jist imaginin’ things. He stares at you like a deer caught in the headlights. He’s jist terribly afraid of ye, tha’s all. Stop hopin’ an’ wishin’, jist stop it!_  


Juice finally dropped his head, breaking their gaze and Chibs’s felt a little tension leave his very rigid body. He exhaled breath he had seemingly withheld for a few seconds and he looked at Jax helplessly. What now? Jax held up his hand reassuringly, indicating that he should be patient a little longer. So he waited and Jax waited, too and the silence in the room grew with every minute, like a huge hungry black cloud lingering over their heads ready to engulf them any second.  


“Okay.”  


Chibs opened his eyes in surprise. Juice’s voice had been so quiet, so low, he thought for a second he had just imagined it. But then Juice raised his head and he looked calmer and just sad. Chibs felt his muscles in his whole body tense as he waited for Juice to go on.

Juice sighed wearily and he looked even more fragile to Chibs. “Okay, I mean, I want to believe you, “he whispered, his voice weak and barely audible because his throat was damaged. “But I need some time. To deal with this. Please?” And he looked at Jax now, his hands clenching the sheets again in anticipation.

Jax looked at Chibs and then nodded. “Of course, Juice. Take your time. Chibs understands. Right?” He emphasized this last word with one raised eyebrow.

Chibs nodded quickly and Jax clapped into his hands contently. “See, Juice? You just take your time and Chibs will wait until you want to see him again. Okay?” Juice nodded slowly, his head tilted to the side as if he was still unsure what he should make of the situation he was in.

“Okay, we’ll leave you in peace now, “Jax continued. “You need to rest a lot more. Just know that V-Lin is guarding your door and he’ll be released by someone else soon. You’ll always be guarded here, so you have nothing to worry about here, okay brother?”

He stepped to Juice’s head and took his hand into his hand, squeezing it gently. Juice flinched a little, unused to Jax treating him so nicely, but he recovered quickly. “Thanks, Jax, “he murmured shyly. 

Jax leaned forward and kissed him on the forehead. “We take care of our own, “he whispered against Juice’s head and Juice blushed a little, Chibs saw. He realized Juice was happy Jax called him “one of our own” and he was happy for him, his heart leaping as he saw Juice’s mouth curve upwards if only for a few seconds.  


“See you, brother, “Jax said and he walked towards the door, pulling Chibs with him. Chibs let himself be pulled outside but couldn’t resist the urge to look back behind his shoulder to take one last wistful look at Juice. Juice looked at them but turned his head away quickly when he noticed Chibs’s stare. Jax pulled at his arm once more and then they were standing in the hospital corridor and the door was closed. 

Chibs felt Jax squeeze his shoulder amicably and he looked into his President’s warm, blue eyes. “See? He’s just gonna need some time. He’ll recover eventually, “Jax said.  


Chibs nodded and reached for his cigarettes in his pocket. He needed a smoke badly. “Aye, “he said quietly. “I hope ye’re right.”


	26. You're not yourself

The next weeks were like a dream to Chibs. He spent his time with Jax and the others, helping them with regular club business. He rode with them, met the Irish or Alvarez along with Jax and Tig or Bobby, even took care of some guy that had tried to cheat them out of some gun money. It was his job as Sergeant-at-Arms to handle things, so he did it – but his heart wasn’t in it, not really.

Jax had told him he could take it easy at the beginning if he wanted to, but he had declined the offer. He was glad he had something to do, something to kill time because he knew if he didn’t participate in handling business matters with the Sons, he would lie around on his couch all day, drowning his sorrow in whiskey and cigarettes, unable to sleep and he was sure he didn’t want that. He needed to distract himself so he would not have time to brood too much. 

It didn’t always work. He managed to occupy himself for most of the days but in the evenings he was left to himself and his sad, lonely thoughts. After the first three days he found himself lying on his back on the kitchen floor, smelling of booze and cigarettes. He decided he hated himself and he couldn’t take it anymore. 

So he called Tig and asked him to spend some time with him. Tig came at once and managed to distract Chibs for the rest of the night. He exchanged the whiskey with some fresh coffee and handed some tablets of aspirin to him. When Chibs sat on the couch again, exhausted and disgusted with himself, Tig told him some funny childhood stories, something about him being a willful, but exuberant kid who drove his mother crazy with his habit of climbing on the roof of their house every week or so, just to drive her crazy. Chibs actually had to laugh out loud when he heard how Tig had got himself grounded for having to be picked off the roof by the fire department for the third time in one week.

“Thanks, Tig, “he growled quietly but Tig just waved his thanks away. 

“Nah, that’s okay, man, “Tig chuckled. “I’m happy someone finally’s willing to listen to my fucking roof story. Been waiting to tell that to someone for ages.”  


And he winked at him and Chibs once more felt terribly thankful that he had such good friends to take care of him while he was this mess of a man. 

All the Sons had noticed his odd behavior, of course. They had noticed the dark circles under his eyes, his rough, unsmooth skin unshaved because Chibs just couldn’t be bothered with that shit. He almost didn’t talk at all, except for when he was spoken to or when he had to discuss something with a business partner. They all respected his feelings and left him in piece most of the time, although they did pat his shoulder or squeeze his neck compassionately every once in a while. He knew they sensed his anxiety, his restlessness and his concerns about Juice and they said nothing to him about it but they let him know he wasn’t alone with their occasional small touches and he was grateful for that. 

He felt very restless because there hadn’t been any big news lately. Tig and Happy had returned from their trip one day after he had last seen Juice in hospital and they hadn’t found out much. Everyone in town had seemed to know McAllister but nobody wanted to talk about him, they all seemed afraid and overly cautious. There was this one guy who had told them McAllister tended to disappear for months at a time to come back to his villa for a few weeks with his crew but he hadn’t known where McAllister would go so that hadn’t been helpful. They had managed to find the exit of the secret tunnel from the basement, it had led into a large wood. They had searched the wood but had returned empty-handed. 

Jax, Bobby and Phil had called every single U.S carter as well as SAMBEL to inform them about the abduction, asked if they knew anything. So far there had been nothing. SAMBEL had been enraged to hear what McAllister had done and they had promised to keep an eye open for him. They had send a picture of McAllister to every charter so they would recognize him but who were they kidding? He could be anywhere in the world and the chances of finding him were slimmer than slim. 

So SAMCRO had eventually slipped back into everyday business routine because there surely was enough to do and it had suited Chibs just fine. Jax had warned them all to keep an eye open because McAllister could be still in the vicinity and he still had Chibs and Juice watched 24 hours a day. A few brothers from San Bernardino and Eureka had joined them to help them out, so they had enough hands to take care of business as well as guarding duties – although Chibs still hated to be watched like a baby at night. He appreciated it, of course because he knew that he wasn’t out of danger yet and he couldn’t watch Juice himself so he was thankful for Jax having them watched. 

It was hard, having to stay away from Juice for so long. He understood completely and he didn’t go near the hospital again after that one morning with Jax and Juice together in that room – but that didn’t mean he liked it. He missed Juice terribly. He felt as if one of his basic needs had been taken away from him, something that he just needed was gone and he suffered severely. He barely ate, meals consisting mostly out of beer, maybe dry cereals when he did manage to find a clean bowl. He slept little, mostly only with the help of a few Oxys, and when he did sleep nightmare tormented him until he woke up, a sweaty, nervous wreck gasping for breath. 

He managed to ride with the others and take care of business for three long, dragging weeks when Jax told him to take some time to recover. “Go home, Chibs, “he commanded quietly, as he pulled him into a corner at the clubhouse, after Chibs had shown up half drunk this morning. “You need some time off, I think.” 

Chibs shook his head in defiant desperation. “No, Jackie, “he almost whined but there was also anger in his voice. “I don’a need time off. Please, let me do somethin’, I cann’a do nothin’ all day, it’s drivin’ me nuts, I swear.”

Jax gazed into his eyes, his brows furrowed in serious concern. “Chibs, you’re letting yourself go. You’re not your usual self anymore. We’re really worried about you, you know that?” 

Chibs crossed his arms and stared at the ground, shifting uncomfortably. “No need. I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine. You don’t eat, you don’t sleep enough, you drink a lot.”

“I’m fine, alright? It’s jist … it’s jist a little hard for me right now, ‘kay?”

Chibs was truly ashamed of himself as he realized Jax was right. Here he was, a grown-up man, apologizing to his much younger President because he was unable to keep himself together. This was embarrassing. He exhaled loudly and raised his head to return Jax’s grave look. “I understand I behaved a little … unsteady lately. That’s over now. I’ll pull myself together, I promise.”

He didn’t look away when Jax searched his face thoroughly. “You’re sure?” he asked, open doubt swinging in his voice. “Cos I cannot let you ride with us if you’re behaving like this. Okay?” 

Chibs nodded and put a hand on Jax’s shoulder: “I’m very sure, Jax. I’m sorry, okay? I’m here now, 100 percent.” Jax nodded and he seemed relieved, although not totally convinced. 

Chibs would make sure Jax wouldn’t have to worry about him anymore. When he came home that evening he took every single bottle of alcohol he could find and drained them in the kitchen sink. He shaved himself clean and trimmed his goatee so he looked like a real person again. He drove to the supermarket and bought six bags worth of groceries. That night he cooked himself (and Phil, his watch dog for the night) some steaks steak, veggies and baked potatoes and it actually felt good to eat some real food. 

He went to bed early, feeling actually real tired and he managed to sleep for a good six hours, although he still had a few nightmares waking him up from time to time. At 5 am, he got up and settled on his couch in front of the TV, telling Phil to get some sleep. As he watched some dumb action movie without really watching it, he let his thoughts wander off into nowhere. 

_Three weeks. Three fuckin’ weeks and I haven’t seen him. Damn, I hope he’s better. Maybe those scars on his body have healed a bit, maybe his throat is better and he can speak a bit louder now. I wonder if he’s lonely. I know the boys visit him all the time, as does Gemma, but still, he must be lonely lying there all the time. I wonder if he’s able to sleep. Maybe he’s still getting sedatives to help him sleep, but that cannot be good for his system…?_

_I wonder … is it good or bad he hasn’t asked for me yet? He said he needed time and three weeks isn’a tha’ long, so …_ he shook his head and realized he was gritting his teeth against each other. _No, it cannot be good. He has probably jist decided he cannot forgive me. Would be pretty understandable._

He felt the sudden urge to taste some Whiskey again but there wasn’t any and that was good because he didn’t want to become a mess again. But it hurt to have a clear mind. To be able to think rationally about him and Juice. Maybe he wasn’t able to think rationally. Dr. Janet had told him he should consult a psychologist because of everything what had happened. That he was very probably suffering from PTSD which had to be treated soon.

He knew she was right what with all his troubles sleeping or eating. The nightmares, the lack of interest, the switching between feeling numb and drugged to hysterical and angry. Sometimes he felt the strong urge to hurt something, to bash someone’s head in – but most of the times he just wanted to lie down and do nothing, just let the nothingness wash over him until he would fall asleep maybe. There was no way he was going to consult a psychologist, though. He recognized the symptoms, he realized he wasn’t well. But he decided to deal with this on his own. He could do this. Jax’s words had been a wake-up call and throwing out the alcohol had been a good start.

He just had to wait some more until Juice decided what to do about him. It was pure agony, this waiting. But he knew he had to pull himself together, focus on Son’s stuff so he wouldn’t freak out eventually. This was a hard time, but he would pull through. All that counted was Juice getting better. He longed for Juice to forgive him, to tell him he needed him and to hold him in his arms again. But he couldn’t force it and he knew there was a great chance he wasn’t ever going to touch Juice again. But he had to hope. And even if Juice decided he didn’t want anything to do with Chibs anymore – at least he would get better and Chibs could still try to protect him from a distance.

Well, that did sound a little difficult, actually. But Jax and the others were there, too, so Juice would never be alone, would always be protected by someone. It just wouldn’t be possible anymore for Chibs to hold him at night when he’d have nightmares, or self-doubts or whatever. Nobody would do that for him. Chibs felt his throat stiffen as he imagined Juice alone in his bed, desperate for someone to hold and comfort him but nobody was there …. 

He flinched when suddenly his phone rang. He frowned when he saw it was Gemma. He knew she had planned to visit Juice in the hospital yesterday which was why he felt a pang of fear in his stomach. _Maybe something is wrong. Maybe Juice is worse! May he is … oh God, no!_

Sitting up frantically, he pushed his thoughts away and answered the call with trembling hands. “Aye! Gemma, wha’s wrong? Somethin’ with Juice?” 

He heard a low, soft chuckle. “No, baby, Juice is fine.” Gemma’s voice sounded warm and compassionate, like it did all the time when she spoke to him recently. He exhaled slowly, slumping his shoulders with huge relief. 

“I spoke to his doctor today, “Gemma continued a little less blithely. “Juice’s insurance has run out. They’re releasing him tomorrow. I’m sorry, I wanted to call you last evening but I had my hands full with Thomas and Abel.” 

Chibs frowned in confusion. “They’re releasing him already? But it’s only been three weeks! He cannot be well again already, can he?”  


Gemma snorted in obvious disgust. “No, of course he’s not. But they’re throwing him out on the street regardless. They claim he’s stable enough and he has been off the machines for a few days now, so …”

She chuckled as she heard him curse something in Gaelic. “Yeah, that was my reaction, too. But there’s nothing we can do. I told Jax and he said we’re gonna take care of him, so he’s gonna be fine. There’s always gonna be someone around him to take care of him.”

Chibs cursed some more and he paced his living room up and down as he listened to Gemma’s words. He knew she wanted to reassure him that everything was gonna be fine but he was furious. _Damn hospitals and their insurance policies!_ Juice couldn’t be well enough after this short time, he must be still very weak and now they would have to take care of him. It wouldn’t be easy what with all the Sons being already busy with club business and it was one thing to just guard Juice but another to feed him, give him his meds, do whatever had to be done. He kicked his foot into the coffee table angrily. 

“Calm down, baby, okay?” Gemma sounded really concerned now. “He’ll be fine, we’ll take good care of him. Don’t worry so much. After all, you’re our medic so you’ll be the one in charge.”

He raised his eyebrows at that. Gemma knew that something had apparently happened between him and Juice, explaining why Chibs hadn’t visited Juice in the last few weeks. But she probably thought he was just too busy with club business and dealing with his own shit or she wasn’t taking it too seriously. 

He didn’t know how the doctors intended Juice to be treated after he was released but apparently they trusted laymen to deal with him so it couldn’t be too difficult. Still, he was the medic and it was not unlikely that Jax would ask him to take care of Juice. Maybe he was just hoping too much. They could probably manage to take care of him with Gemma, and the prospects, so …. 

_If he’s getting out, maybe I can see him! Maybe they won’t let me but suppose they do …_ He felt his heart beat faster and swallowed heavily. “You okay there, baby?” Gemma asked and he quickly eased her mind, telling her he was just tired. “Thanks for the call, mum, “he said and he knew she smiled when she answered him: “Of course, darling. Bye.”  


He tucked his phone away and went into the kitchen to make himself some coffee. He was torn between anger at the hospital and hope that maybe he would be allowed to take care of Juice. He dialed Jax’s number in sudden impatience. Jax answered after a few rings, his voice tired as if he had just gotten out of bed.

“Chibs? Something wrong?

“Jax, we gotta talk about Juice.”


	27. Déjà Vu

Chibs hadn’t felt so excited in a long time. Juice was coming home from the hospital today and he felt like a child waiting impatiently for his birthday party to begin. He knew that was stupid and he also knew that maybe this “birthday party” wouldn’t turn out so cheerful for him in the end: he had no idea how Juice would react to seeing him now after three long weeks.

He had asked Jax if he could supervise Juice’s recovery because he was still so weak and with Tara still in prison Chibs was the only one with medical knowledge. Jax had asked Juice how he felt about that and Juice had said that he wanted to give it a try as long as there always was another person with them in the room. 

Chibs had jubilated inwardly when he heard the news. Of course, it had stung that Juice had wanted another person to be there as if Chibs would hurt him again if they were left alone. But he knew Juice would need a lot more time to be able to trust him again and he could be thankful Juice was letting him near him again in the first place.

He was pacing his living room up and down as he glanced at his watch for the umpteenth time in the last hour or so. Tig and Gemma were supposed to pick up Juice from the hospital at noon, then drive him home and settle him in. It was 2 pm now and Chibs was getting more impatient and nervous with every minute. Gemma had said she would call him as soon as they had put Juice into his bed but hell, how long did it take to do that? 

He had gone to a pharmacy that morning to buy some more stuff for Juice and also because he needed to divert himself. He had lots of meds at home but who knew what Juice needed and he wanted to be prepared for anything, just in case. The pharmacist had looked at him as if he was crazy when he had dropped a whole basket full of meds, painkillers and more things he thought could be useful in front of him. He didn’t care, all he wanted was to make Juice feel better, help him get well again. Well, at least physically, he wasn’t too sure about his mental health. 

He had told Juice he was sorry and he didn’t mean to hurt him but he wasn’t sure if Juice would ever accept his apology and let him into his life again. He would at least try to make him understand. If Juice was ready to let him near himself again, maybe it would just need a few hours with him to earn his trust again, make him understand that he loved him and that he would never ever hurt him again. He just had to make him understand. He didn’t know how he could go on living if he failed.  


His phone rang in his hand and he almost dropped it, he had been so lost in his thoughts. 

“Aye, Gemma, ye’re ready?” he barked into the phone.

“Ah, hello to you, too, darling, “Gemma chuckled. Chibs grimaced, he really wasn’t on his best manners as of lately. 

“Sorry, “he mumbled.

“That’s okay, sweetie. And yes, we’re ready. Put him under the sheets, made him some tea, gave him his first dose of meds. You wanna come over now?”

Chibs was already halfway out of the door. “Aye, be there in a few, “he said and he put his phone into his pocket as he approached his Dyna. There was already a box full of meds fastened onto the back seat of the bike. He put on his helmet, gloves and glasses and mounted the bike. 

Juice’s house was only ten minutes away from his but he had to restrain himself not to speed to be there in five. It wouldn’t do him any good if he had an accident or got stopped by the police, so he pulled himself together and drove at normal speed. 

_Fuck, I’m nervous. Wha’ if he changes his mind? Wha’ if he’s still too scared and has another almost-heart attack? I gotta be real careful and slow with him. Keep my distance. It will pay off eventually, I’m sure._

But he wasn’t sure, he couldn’t be sure, and he felt his stomach bounce in twitchy dread. He shook his head as if that would make his anxiety go away and it was pure luck that he was standing in front of a red light or he would have probably ended up in that accident after all.

After a few turns he finally arrived at Juice’s house. He killed the motor, pulled off his helmet and stayed put. He took a few concentrated breaths and told himself to calm down, all would be good, he just had to be nice and slow and then everything would be fine. He still felt as if something heavy was weighing down his shoulders as he made his way to the door and knocked. 

_Breathe, Filip, jist breathe. Evrythin’s gonna be okay …_

The door was opened and he found himself looking into Tig’s smug, grinning face. “You sure didn’t lose any time, bro, “he said and snickered. 

Chibs grimaced impatiently. “Aye. Will ye let me in … bro?” 

Tig laughed out loud at Chibs’s mock use of the endearment because it so didn’t fit into his usual vocabulary. But he stepped aside and let a scowling Chibs enter, closing the door behind him.

He stepped into Juice’s living room and put the box of meds onto the coffee table. Then he tucked his hands into his hands nervously, unsure of what to do next. He couldn’t just barge into the bedroom without warning and suddenly his heart was beating faster again because he wanted to see Juice so badly but he was also afraid and he felt so utterly helpless right now he had to stifle a curse under his breath. 

“Oh, Chibs, you’re here already, “he heard a familiar voice exclaim suddenly and then there were gentle female hands pulling him into an affectionate hug. He laid his head unto Gemma’s shoulder and held her tightly, relishing the comforting touch he needed so much right now. He felt Gemma rubbing his back in circles as if she sensed his uneasiness and he was once again touched by her motherly affection (although she was only six years older than him). 

“Baby, you’re trembling. Are you alright?” she asked worriedly as she pulled away from him a little and cupped his face in her right hand. 

He tried to avoid her eyes as he nodded. “I am, “he murmured into his shoulder. “Can I see Juice now?”

She smiled and squeezed his shoulder encouragingly. “Yes, dear, of course. He’s a bit drowsy from the painkillers I gave him but he’ll be awake for a few more minutes, I guess.”

She turned and looked at Tig who had observed their little hugging ceremony curiously from the door. “Tig, go with him, okay?” 

Tig made a gesture with his hand to his head as if he was a soldier receiving an order from his commanding officer. “Yes, ma’am! On it, ma’am!”

Chibs chuckled as he watched Gemma slap Tig’s head playfully. He lost his grin a few seconds later when Tig pulled at his cut shortly, prompting him to follow him. He swallowed when they stood in front of the closed bedroom door ad he was sure his heart would burst through his chest any moment because it was beating so hard it hurt. 

“You know the rules, Chibbie, “Tig said as he looked at him seriously. “Keep your distance, no touching or shouting. Okay?” 

Chibs nodded at once. He wouldn’t be so stupid to not follow Jax’s rules, he would be kicked out of the house by Tig in seconds, he knew. He and Tig were very close but Tig was also a good soldier who did was he was told and he was also fond of little Juicy so Chibs knew there was no way Tig was gonna let any mistake slide. _No problem. I’m not going to make a mistake._

Tig nodded and he seemed to sense Chibs’s grim determination. He opened the door and they entered the room, Chibs right behind Tig. Just like three weeks ago in the hospital, Chibs maintained his place at the door but it was fine because he needed a moment to take Juice in completely. 

There it was again. The sharp pain in his heart as his eyes fell on the pale form lying in the bed in front of him. It was a total déjà vu, as if he was stuck in a time loop or something, although there were minor details that were different from last time.

There were no machines, no IVs, no sterile hospital sheets. Just Juice lying in his own bed wearing one of his simple, black Tee’s, tucked under checkered bed linens. Juice’s eyes were only half-open and he didn’t seem to realize Chibs was there because he only looked at Tig, sitting himself on a chair next to the bed.

Juice still looked bad. There were still dark circles under his eyes, his skin was still pale and he looked even thinner than last time. He could only see his face, his arms resting on the extra blanket on the sheets and his neck but he could see that the welts and cuts had healed at least a little bit. They were a lot less prominent now than three weeks before and it made Chibs feel a little less sad. 

“Tig?” Juice whispered hoarsely and Chibs flinched as if someone had punched him right in his face because just the sound of Juice’s voice made him remember all the things he had tried to lock out of his mind for the last few weeks more or less successfully. Juice lying on the floor, crying and begging for mercy. Juice caught between Sean and Patrick’s bodies, unable to escape, his eyes wide with terror. Juice on his knees in front of him, laying his head into his lap, desperately crying for him to comfort and reassure him in his misery. It all came right back to him when he heard Juice’s voice, vulnerable and weak. 

He put his hand on his mouth to stop himself from making a desperate groaning noise. None of the two other men in the room had noticed his hectic movement, so it was okay. _Breathe, Filip, breathe! He’s out of danger now, he’s lying safely in his bed and nobody can hurt him now, so relax._ He took a few more slow breaths and felt relief washing over him when the nausea and the anxiousness left him gradually. 

“Yes, Juicy?” he heard Tig answer almost tenderly and he was truly astounded to see Tig stroke Juice’s cheek with his thumb with a very soft look in his eyes. He felt a pang of jealousy and he had to restrain himself not to do or say anything. Nobody was allowed to touch Juice this way! They had touched him way too much already and it had hurt Juice so the only once ever allowed to touch him this way was Chibs so Tig better get his fucking hands off or …

_Alright, Filip. Calm the fuck down._

He snapped to attention when Juice spoke up again after a few silent seconds. Seconds in which he had imagined grabbing Tig by the cut and throwing him out of the window for touching Juice in that way too affectionate way.

“Tig, I’m thirsty. Water please?” It still seemed to cost Juice a lot of strength to speak and Chibs’s teeth clashed together in anger as he thought of how Juice’s throat had been damaged so severely.

“Of course, Juicy, “Tig said and he took Juice’s hand into his own and squeezed it affectionately. “Chibs, will you get Juice some water?” 

Juice’s eyes widened and he looked at the door, looked right at Chibs. “Oh, “he whispered and Chibs held up his palms once again to calm the younger man down.

“It’s alright, Juice, I won’a come nearer. I only wanted to see ye, I hope tha’s okay.” God, his own voice sounded wrong to him, as if he was trapped in another man’s body because he sure as hell didn’t sound like the Filip Telford he knew. 

Juice sat up in his bed, looking a little alarmed and Chibs felt the hair on the back of his neck rise in anticipation because suddenly he was sure that Juice would hyperventilate again and he was sure he couldn’t take it a second time. Fool, fool, fool! His hands clenched into tight fists as he watched a storm of emotions pass over Juice’s face, as he became aware of Tig rising slowly with a wary look on his face, ready to jump in any second if there was danger. _Tha’s it, Filip. Ye busted yer only chance. Ye should have waited longer. Ye should have given him more time, ye should have …_

“Alright, “Juice said quietly. “Can I have some water now, please?” 

And the storm was over. Juice dropped his head to the side, looking tired but also kind of calm and it creeped the heck out of Chibs. Juice was okay. He didn’t hyperventilate. He didn’t freak out at the sight of him.

He realized he was gaping at Juice with an open mouth when he heard Tig click his tongue impatiently. He looked at Tig still utterly rattled. Tig jerked his head towards the door, raising an eyebrow as if to ask “What the hell is wrong with you?” Chibs finally understood and he reached for the door knob with slightly shaking hands. 

He walked into the kitchen and poured a glass of water for Juice. He let the water wash over his wrists a few seconds, having read somewhere that cool water on your pulse was meant to be soothing. It helped only very little but after a few breaths he felt ready to enter the bedroom again. Tig met him at the door and took the glass of water out of his hands. Chibs hovered at the door again as he watched Tig hold the glass for Juice to help him drink slowly. Juice drained the whole glass in hungry little sips and Tig patted his head when he was finished with it. 

Juice laid his head back against the pillows and closed his eyes wearily. “Tired now, “he whispered. “Gonna sleep a little.”

Tig squeezed his hands once more. “You do that, Juicy.” And he stood up to leave the room. Just like three weeks ago, Chibs felt himself pulled out of the room, trying to catch one last look of a worn out Juice. 

“Come on, Chibbie.”

And he was out of the room. Tig eyed him curiously. 

“Dude, you look like you’ve seen a ghost, “he said, putting one hand on Chibs’s shoulder. “Don’t worry so much. He’s gonna be fine.“

Chibs nodded absently. “Aye, I hope ye’re right.”

“Man, you really need to tell me what happened between you two. Why’s he afraid of you? Seriously, what did you do, Chibs?” Tig stepped even nearer, trying to get Chibs to look at him. Chibs clenched his fists together and stepped back a little. He really didn’t need this right now.

Thankfully, Gemma appeared right next to them and saved Chibs. She glanced at them inquisitively and furrowed her brows when she noticed Chibs’s defensive posture. “Everything okay, boys?”

Tig pulled her to him, laying a hand over her shoulders. “Yeah. Chibs is just a little shaken up seeing Juice like this, but I told him he’s gonna be just fine, right Chibs? We’re going to take care of our little brother together.”

Chibs didn’t say anything. He imagined himself lying next to Juice in his bed, pulling his head unto his chest and he suddenly craved Juice’s touch so badly he needed to physically restrain himself not to just burst into the room behind his back and fulfill his need.

“Baby, “Gemma said with open concern in her voice, “you don’t look so good. What’s wrong?” She stroked his cheek tenderly only to then grab his chin and force him to look at her.  


He took her hand into his and stroked it a little. “I’m gonna be okay, Gem, “he whispered huskily. “Jist need some time.”

He kissed her hand, then softly pulled away. With a quick few strides he reached the kitchen where he intended to make himself some coffee. He would stay here for as long as they let him and who knew how long Juice was going to sleep. Who knew how long until he and Juice would be alone to maybe talk a little? He would wait patiently. He would prove to Juice that he was trustworthy, he would take care of him and maybe someday … 

… maybe someday they would be able to heal together.


	28. The Watchdog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I mention the high school shooting in this, but Juice won't have anything to do with this matter, because he's too sick right now (and he wasn't supposed to do this in the show anyway because he's just too kind a person to kill an innocent and it was cruel of Jax to choose him for the job) so whoever kills Darvany it isn't him! (It's not important for the story anyway)

A whole week had gone by and still there had been no chance to talk to Juice alone. He had been there every day, even when he hadn’t been on “Juice duty”. He just had to see him at least once a day, even if it meant pissing off Gemma, Jax and the others. They were getting gradually annoyed at him constantly being there, bossing them around about how to take care of Juice, snapping at them when he thought they had made a mistake with the meds. He became Juice’s watchdog who couldn’t trust anyone completely with overseeing his boy’s recovery than himself.

Once, he got into a fight with Happy who had been assigned to cook some chicken broth for Juice. He tasted a spoonful just to make sure it wasn’t too hot and immediately spat it back into the bowl. “Are ye out of yer fuckin’ mind, Hap?” he growled angrily. “Way too much salt in this. Ye know he canno’ eat so much salt, he dehydrates easily! Ye gotta do this again!”

Happy just showed him the finger and left the room, muttering something like “Fuck you, Scotsman” under his breath. Chibs ended up cooking a new batch of chicken broth himself, and he was very careful to put no additional salt into it. He let Phil take it to Juice as he still wasn’t allowed alone with him in the room.

Another time, he almost bit Ratboy’s head off when he caught him on his way to bring Juice his early morning dose of meds, only there were two pills too many. Chibs smacked his head hard and snatched the tablet tube out of his hands.

“Fuck, I cann’a believe this! Do ye know tha’ these pills are dangerous for his heart if yer givin’ him this many? He’s unstable now, do ye wanna put him into a fuckin’ coma? Sheesh, I cann’a trust ye lads with anythin’, it seems!” 

Rat dropped his head in shame, knowing it would be pointless to defend himself or argue with Chibs in any way. When Chibs was furious, you let him be furious, period. No talking back unless you want to get your throat ripped open.

“Come on now, idiot, “Chibs growled as he pulled Rat with him into Juice’s room. “I need my escort.” 

Juice looked at them warily as they made their way towards his bedside. It was obvious Chibs was angry and Rat’s miserable look at being dragged behind the angry Scot was a poor sight to behold. Chibs was oblivious of the scene he made, he just wanted to make sure Juice got his right pills in time.

“Juice, sorry to barge in like tha’, “he grumbled as he began to count the right amount of pills into his hands. “Rat has a little trouble with countin’, it seems, so I’ll just gonna take care of this now, right?”  


Juice stared at Chibs mumbling to himself, distracted with the pills and then at Rat behind him, shrugging a little awkwardly, mouthing a shameful “sorry”. 

“Right, “Juice murmured, and if Chibs had looked at him right this moment he would have been surprised to see the hint of a tiny, tiny grin creep up Juice’s lips. 

But he didn’t saw and when Chibs finally looked up again, Juice’s face was pale and serious as ever. “There ye go, brother, “Chibs said roughly, handing him the pills and the glass of water which had stood on the night table. Juice held his hand open so that Chibs could put the pills into his palm and flinched a little when their hands touched for a second. 

Chibs noticed of course and pulled his hand away quickly, looking terribly downcast. Juice put the pills into his mouth and downed them with the water.

“Right, I’ll leave ye alone now, “Chibs said as he hurried to leave the room.

Juice smiled apologetically at Rat who looked really embarrassed. “I’m sorry, Juice. I didn’t mean to mess with your pills, I’m just a little tired after being up until 3 am with the others, so I must have miscounted … “ Rat really looked sorry.

Juice shook his head. “It’s fine, Rat. It happens. Don’t be sorry.” 

“Raaaaaaat!” Chibs voice boomed out of the kitchen and it really sounded like Chibs was going to go berserk any second and Rat flinched. “You better go now, “Juice said and grinned. Rat grinned back for one second, then turned and ran out of the room.

He had to listen to Chibs lecture him about responsibility and diligence and the importance of always checking medicine doses twice if not thrice for a whole hour. He had to repeat to him several times what Chibs had told him as well as swear to him he would do better in the future until Chibs finally was satisfied and left him in piece. 

Chibs was still a little pissed off when he settled into a chair with a fresh cup of coffee. Rat was resting on the couch a little and he was the only other person in the house. Things were heating up with the club. A little boy had gone on a killing spree in one of the local schools and the gun he had shot a few other kids with had been one of theirs. So that was something the club had to deal with as well as Lee Toric and Clay and the Irish and Tara. In other words, the club was in utter chaos right now and Chibs understood that Jax needed as many guys to take care of it all as he could. 

That meant that most of the time it was Gemma who took care of Juice as well as the prospects. Chibs had a bad conscience because he didn’t spend as much time with his brothers, helping them with business, as he should. But he just couldn’t bring himself to not look after Juice at least once a day. He would oversee Juice’s morning medicine ritual and breakfast, then catch up with the others at TM and spend the day taking over his role as Sergeant-at-Arms. 

But in the evenings he would speed back to Juice’s house, make sure he was okay, that he didn’t have a fever, low blood pressure or too much pain. Juice was in a lot of pain, so his concern wasn’t farfetched. He loved Gemma and he knew the prospects weren’t total blockheads – but he felt better if he was present every time some decision about Juice’s health was made: whether it meant which kind of food he should receive or if he should be given a few additional Oxys to dull out his pain.

_Damn. How hard is it to count a few pills or cook a decent meal for someone who is sick? I’m surrounded by morons._ But he knew that wasn’t fair. They all meant really well and it was quite touching how they went to great lengths to care for Juice. 

Even Bobby showed up one evening to volunteer and he had to sidestep an open-mouthed Chibs to get into the house because Chibs sure as hell hadn’t expected him to be willing to spare some of his little free time for Juice. But he did and Chibs couldn’t help himself, he had to follow and hug his old friend to show him how grateful he was for forgiving Juice. Bobby just patted his head, looking a little embarrassed, and then scattered off into Juice’s room. 

He found Chibs in the living room lying on the couch twenty minutes later. Chibs actually felt kind of tired, it had been a long, busy day. But he couldn’t afford to sleep: when Bobby had come, V-Lin had left for the night and he couldn’t just drift off when Bobby was here for the first time. So he massaged his temple for a long time to keep him from closing his tired eyes and to keep his advancing headache at bay.

“You look tired, brother, “said Bobby as he sat down into the armchair next to the couch. “Long day?”

“Aye. Very long, “Chibs replied wearily. He sat up, stretched his arms and yawned. “Been up since 5 am. Fuckin’ Irish had to set up a meeting.”

Bobby snickered and scratched his disheveled beard slowly. “Yeah, I know. Galen’s a bastard.” Chibs nodded heavily to demonstrate his agreement and they grinned at each other affectionately. 

“You know, you should sleep a few hours. Get some rest. I’m not that tired, so I can keep watch, “Bobby said.

Chibs blinked at him in surprise. He hadn’t expected Bobby to stay the night, too, expecting that either Gemma or someone else would show up for the night shift. “You sure,” he asked hesitantly.

“Course I’m sure. Now get some sleep, you crazy Scot, your eyes are already falling out of your head, “Bobby sneered and Chibs threw a cushion at him playfully. 

But he was really thankful for the offer and he immediately went to get himself a blanket. He cuddled into Juice’s soft big couch with the blanket and a few cushions and fell asleep almost immediately.

***

He woke with a start when his head dropped off the comfortable soft surface of the couch. He jerked upwards in confusion, needing a few minutes to remember where he was and why. He rubbed his eyes, sat up and glanced at his watch: 3 am. _Fuckin’ great. Jist like me tae wake in the middle of the night. It’s gonna take ages tae fall asleep again …_

He slid off the couch and made his way into the kitchen, expecting to find Bobby there. He frowned when he indeed did find Bobby: very obviously asleep with his head on his shoulders on the kitchen table, snoring quite loudly. _Seriously, Bobby? ‘I’m not that tired?’ I’m gonna show you ‘not so tired’!_

And he stepped towards Bobby, fully intending to smack him upon the head to punish him for sleeping on his watch. This was really dangerous! What if someone had decided to break in that very night and nobody had been on guard? They would have been dead meat, thanks to Bobby!

He raised his hand, but stopped himself from actually hitting Bobby. Yes, he had neglected his duty and it could have turned out real bad but it hadn’t and what good was it to bitch at him now? He could do so in the morning, apparently Bobby was tired too and now that he was awake he could handle the watch himself. He wouldn’t fall asleep easily again now anyway and he actually felt a lot better after the few hours of sleep. He could rest some more when Gemma would show up in the morning. 

So he sighed and stepped away from Bobby, careful not to make any loud noises. He decided to take a piss and started towards the bathroom. He cursed when he stumbled in the dark hallway and he fumbled at the bare walls as he searched for the light switch but failed to do find it. 

Suddenly, his chest collided with something in the dark and without thinking his hands shot forward and grabbed the next best thing he could grab and pushed downwards. He heard a muffled thump and a soft gasp when the something – no, the someone – hit the floor underneath him. He made sure he held on unto the collar off that person’s shirt and he shook him a little.

“Who are ye? What are ye here for? Speak motherfucker or I’ll rip yer tongue out!” 

His voice trembled with fury. Someone had broken into the house and they had been so careless to let it happen! He was only glad he had caught the guy before he had reached Juice. _Or maybe he has already gotten to Juice and he is lying dead in his bed? Fuck, who know how long Bobby has been out?_ Panic overtook Chibs and he shook the person in his grasp more violently. “Speak!” he hissed.

“Ch-Chibs, p-please, it’s m-me, Juice, “came a whimpering voice from below.

He froze at once and he felt cold sweat break out on his neck, as he recognized that voice. “Juice?” 

He released the person in his grasp at once and when his hands reached towards the wall again he finally found the light switch. He gasped when he beheld Juice on his knees cowered against the wall, trembling all over. His eyes were wide open with fear and his breathing was labored. When he saw Chibs right next to him he shrank away, making another whimpering noise. 

“P-Please don’t hurt me, Chibs, please, I o-only wanted to get some water, please, I didn’t m-mean to run into you, I didn’t see you, p-please …” 

And he blabbered away, obviously completely lost in his panic and fear. Chibs could slam his head into the wall, he was so angry with himself. Here he was, having managed to terribly frighten Juice again when he had just achieved to get near him and talk to him in the last week. He had totally messed up! 

He braced himself. He had to think clearly now, maybe he could repair some of the damage. Slowly, he stepped away from Juice, holding his palms up as he had done so often in the last time. “Shhh, Juice, it’s okay. I’m not gonna hurt ye, so calm down.” 

As soon as he begun to step away Juice seemed to calm down a little. He raised his head and looked at Chibs with huge, terrified eyes as if to calculate what he would do next, if there was a chance to flee.

“I’m sorry I pushed ye tae the floor, Juice, “Chibs continued, his voice now calm and steady and low so that Juice would not be terrified any more. “I thought ye were a burglar or somethin’, I didn’a expect ye here, so please excuse my rash behavior.”

Juice’s breathing calmed down even more and his eyes gradually lost the look of utter terror and finally, after a few more minutes of anxious waiting on Chibs’s side, it was replaced with simple weariness and sadness. 

“I’m sorry, Chibs, “he whispered, blinking as a huge tear rolled down his cheek. 

“There’s nothin’ tae be sorry ‘bout, love. I’m the one who made a mistake.” Chibs voice was husky now, too as he felt his throat tighten and his eyes fill with tears. “I’m sorry, kid, I keep hurtin’ ye. I’m such an asshole, please forgive me.” 

And he felt his own tears roll down his cheeks as he slowly slid down the wall into a crouching position. He put his face into his hands so that Juice would not see his tears and he had to restrain himself from making any sounds. Instead, he just stared ahead of him, into the opposed white wall and he whispered again and again “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

Suddenly, there was a trembling hand on his shoulder. He looked up and saw Juice standing right next to him, his eyes wide with anxiety, chewing his lower lip nervously as if he was not sure what he was doing but couldn’t stop himself. Chibs shuddered when Juice’s hand stroked his shoulder tentatively.

“It’s not your fault, Chibs, “Juice whispered shyly. “It was an accident, so please don’t be upset. In fact, it was really stupid of me to just get up and walk here in the dark, I should have known you would think I was someone else.” 

Chibs got up on his feet quickly and Juice took one step back and ducked his head as Chibs rose to his full height. Chibs hurried to step away again. 

“No, Juice, tha’s rubbish! You have every right tae walk around in yer own house, for Chrissake! And I should’ve asked ye if you needed anythin’ hours ago. I’m sorry.”

Juice smiled a very tiny smile as his lower lip trembled just for one moment and he actually met Chibs’s eye for two seconds. “Seems like we’re both eager to take the blame. Let’s call it even then, okay?” he said very quietly.

Chibs nodded quickly and they continued to stand in front of each other awkwardly for a few moments. Then Chibs remembered something and he held up his index finger. “Wait here a sec.” He turned and walked into the kitchen to get Juice some water. Juice smiled shyly when Chibs held out the water to him. 

“You need anythin’ else? Are ye in pain?” Chibs asked worriedly. He wanted to reach out to Juice and take him into his arms so badly but knew this wasn’t the right time for such an intimate touch.

Juice shook his head. “No, I’m good. Thanks though.” He apparently wanted to say something else but he hesitated. Once again, he chewed on his lower lip nervously and Chibs felt a pang of guilt when he was a teeny tiny bit aroused at the familiar gesture he had always loved about Juice.

“Thanks for watching out for me, Chibs, “Juice said suddenly. “I know you boss everybody around because of me because you want to help me and I just wanted to say … well, I’m grateful.” He let out a huge breath and he actually blushed.

Chibs couldn’t believe his luck. _Juice has noticed how I watched over him the past week! Juice is thankful!_

“Everythin’ for you, love, “he whispered huskily, feeling so thankful himself for maybe given another shot at his relationship with Juice, his knees felt very week suddenly.

Juice’s face lit up for a second and he blushed even deeper. “I have to go now, “he said and he turned to disappear into his bedroom again. Chibs looked after him as if he had just witnessed a miracle and it actually took him a whole thirty minutes to regain his composure and wake up of his frozen stance. 

Juice was thankful. Juice had thanked him. Everything would be okay now, he just knew it.


	29. Feverish Dreams

“Man, I’m sorry, I really don’t understand how this could have happened. Must have been a little tired after all.”

Bobby truly looked embarrassed right now, his head dropped in shame as Chibs and Gemma stood in front of him with stern looks on their faces and crossed arms. Gemma had arrived just a little earlier for the morning shift and had raised an eyebrow when she found Bobby snoring at the kitchen table, Chibs observing him quietly in the chair next to him. 

“You better be sorry, idiot, “Gemma snarled and Bobby winced a little. “Sleeping on your watch. We can call ourselves lucky Chibs woke up or who knows what could have happened. You better hope I don’t tell Jax, or he’ll have you scrubbing his bike for the next three months.”

Bobby threw his hands into the air in frustration. “I said I’m sorry, okay? Now lay off me!” 

Chibs held his palms up and stepped between them. “Whoa, let’s calm down everybody, okay? Nothin’ happened, so let’s quit the bitchin’.” He stepped forward and stabbed his finger into Bobby’s cut. “Although ye’re lucky I didn’a punch ye outright in the face for this. I nearly did, so don’t complain.”

Bobby looked into his eyes and frowned when he saw the angry glimmer in Chibs’s eyes. “Alright, brother, I get it. It won’t happen again.”

Chibs nodded and turned away from Bobby. It was already half past 7 and he wanted to check if Juice was okay. “M gonna take a look at Juice, “he mumbled and made his way through the hallway. He knew that Gemma technically had to follow him but surprisingly, she didn’t. He heard her speaking to Bobby in a calm voice and he guessed she felt she could leave him alone with Juice for a moment. _Thank you, Gemma._

He knocked at Juice’s bedroom door and waited. There was no answer, so he hesitantly opened the door and stepped into the room quietly. One look at Juice in the bed in front of him made him freeze in his steps at once.

The boy had apparently kicked the sheets away at some point as they lay at his feet in a messy heap. Juice lay on his back, his face shining with sweat and he was tossing from right to left, mumbling incoherently in his sleep. 

Chibs was at his bedside at once. He leaned down and laid a hand on Juice’s forehead, frowning when he felt how hot and sticky it was. Juice was still tossing and turning, still asleep, and apparently he was lost in a nightmare.

“No, “he whimpered, get off me! Don’t touch me, leave me alone!” And he grabbed into the air with his hands, trying to shove away invisible hands tormenting him. Chibs grabbed his hands and squeezed them in a weak attempt to wake Juice.

“Juice! Wake up, it’s jist a nightmare. Wake up!” But it was futile. Juice didn’t calm down and Chibs frowned as he listened to his desperate moans. 

He got up quickly and went into the bathroom to get his medical kit. In the hallway he ran into Gemma. “Something wrong, “she asked when she saw his grim face. “Aye, “he growled, “seems he’s runnin’ a fever.” He didn’t wait for her reaction, grabbed his kit from the bathroom and returned to Juice’s bed. 

He heard Gemma enter the room behind him as he pulled out his thermometer. With one hand he grabbed Juice’s chin to hold him still while he gently opened his mouth with the other. He shoved the thermometer inside quickly as Juice’s head tossed to the side. 

“My God, he looks awful.” Gemma knelt down next to the other side of the bed. She touched Juice’s head and gasped when she too felt the heat radiating off him.

The thermometer peeped and Chibs pulled it out of Juice’s mouth. “104. 9. Shit.”

Gemma glanced at him worriedly as he cursed in Gaelic. “You gotta do something, Chibs, “she said.

“Ye don’t say!” he snapped. She threw a reproachful look at him and he pinched the bridge of his nose. “Sorry, Gem.” She just nodded and he began to rummage in his medical kit.

“Could ye please fetch me some washcloths and a bucket of water? It must be tepid though, not too warm, not too cold.”

“Of course.” She stood up and went to get the items at once. 

Chibs blew a strand of his hair away as he rumbled through his kit impatiently. Finally, he found what he was looking for: a small bottle of Tylenol. He yanked the lid open and let two of the small white pills fall into his hand. He looked at the nightstand and was happy to find a glass of water there, half full.

He leaned over Juice and shoved a hand under his back. “Come on, love, lean forward for me, “he said quietly as he pushed forward. With a little effort, he managed to haul Juice into a half-sitting position. Once again, he forced his mouth open and pushed the pills inside. He lifted the glass to Juice’s lips and let a little of the water flow inside. Juice began to cough at once and Chibs held him firmly until the cough subsided. He pulled Juice’s head back a little and waited until he finally saw his throat swallow down the pills with the fluid.

“Well done, baby, “he whispered as he laid Juice back unto the pillows. 

“Hot. So hot, “Juice mumbled in his sleep. Chibs frowned. Maybe he should relieve Juice off his shirt but he didn’t want to touch Juice that way yet. Right on time, Gemma re-appeared next to him with washcloths and a bucket of water.

“Gemma, could ye please help me take Juice’s shirt off? We have to cool him down, “he said.

She raised an eyebrow but said nothing. He hauled Juice up again and she pulled his black shirt up his chest which was a little difficult since Juice began to struggle frantically.  


“No, stay away, “he moaned. “Don’t touch me!”

Gemma stroked his cheek with her thumb for one second. “It’s only us, sweetie. We wanna help you.” With one firm move she got his shirt off and Chibs laid him back immediately.  


Gemma drew her breath in when she saw the myriad of welts and cuts on Juice’s chest and stomach. “My God, what have they done to him, “she whispered, her voice trembling with anger. “What kind of monsters do such things?”

Chibs snorted but otherwise remained silent. He took one of the washcloths Gemma had brought, dipped it into the lukewarm water and wrung it out. With slow, tender movement he brought the cloth to Juice’s face and let a few drops of water trickle upon his cheek and neck. Juice’s nervous movements slowed down a little as Chibs began to wash Juice’s face and upper body, rubbing away the sweat, trying to cool him down a little. When he was finished he dipped the cloth into the water again and laid it on Juice’s forehead. He took another to put in on his neck. 

“He needs to drink a lot, it will help bring the fever down, “he stated and he watched Juice’s chest rise up and down a little slower as Juice seemed to calm down a little from the cool feeling on his skin.

“I’m gonna make some tea, “Gemma said and she stood up to leave the room.

Chibs fell back into the chair on the bedside and sighed heavily. “What are ye doin’ tae me, baby? I jist thought ye were getting’ better and now this…”

He leaned forward and put Juice’s hand into his. It felt hot and sweaty but also soft and familiar so he began stroking it slowly. He held it up to his mouth and pressed a soft kiss unto the back, then another. Juice let out a sudden moan which startled Chibs but it startled him even more when Juice opened his mouth to croak out a few words.

“Chibs … please help me. It … hurts, please …. Please help me.”

His heart stopped in his chest for one second, then he was leaning forward, stroking Juice’s face eagerly. “I’m here, love, I’m here, don’ be afraid! Do ye hear me, Juice? I’m here for ye!”

But Juice didn’t seem to hear and he tossed his head to the other side as a few quick tears rolled down his cheeks. “No, “he whimpered, “Chibs where are you? Why don’t you help me? It hurts so much …” 

It was useless. Chibs stroked Juice’s cheeks, his head, whispered comforting words into his ear, squeezed his hand to show him he wasn’t alone – but Juice didn’t seem to register anything of this. He kept on tossing and turning, tears falling down his cheeks rapidly and Chibs felt so utterly powerless he couldn’t help but curse again.

“Where are your manners, baby? Now behave yourself.” Gemma entered with a cup of steaming tea in her hand. 

“He’s terrified, even in his sleep, “Chibs said wearily. “We gotta calm him down or his fever will burn up and that’s not an option for me.”

“On it, “Gemma prompted and Chibs watched fascinated as she made her way to Juice’s bedside and pulled him into her arms. First, he struggled a bit, but when she began stroking the back of his head, he calmed down and eventually relaxed in her grip. She cooed as she rocked his body back and forth and after a few minutes, the tears stopped flowing, the words stopped tumbling out of Juice’s mouth.

“That’s better, baby. Sleep now and you’ll be better soon, “Gemma muttered as she gently laid Juice back down unto the bed. He remained almost completely still as he slipped into a steady sleep, curling up into a ball. Gemma observed him quietly and she looked at Chibs who had watched them helplessly but thankfully.

“Poor Juice, “she said quietly. “He seems to have gone through so much. What happened to him, Chibs?”

“Please, Gemma, “he whispered and she nodded in understanding as she gazed into his tired, sad eyes. 

They remained with Juice for the rest of the day. His fever didn’t sink and Chibs started to get really worried. They woke him once every hour to feed him a glass of water and the occasional sip of tea and he always immediately lapsed back into a more or less restless slumber afterwards. Chibs always had the cloths wet and cool, hoping they would manage to reduce Juice’s body temperature eventually. 

Sometimes, Juice would sleep calmly for one or two hours, other times he tossed and turned, moaning and crying as he suffered through another nightmare and every time Gemma and Chibs would stroke and comfort him until he calmed down again. Chibs felt a stab of jealousy because Juice reacted so well to Gemma’s touch but he told himself this was ridiculous; if her presence helped Juice to feel better he shouldn’t complain but be grateful.

Jax called a few times but Chibs just ignored his phone, he really wanted to keep his eyes on Juice all the time. Gemma called Jax and explained their situation to him. When it was 3 pm she had to go to pick up Abel and Thomas from day-care and Tig showed up to replace her. 

“Whoa, Juicy looks kinda bad, “he said as he took his place opposite Chibs. He frowned when he received a warning glare from Chibs. “Okay, what can I do?”  


They washed Juice down again although Tig protested that this felt sort of gay to him. They forced a glass of water and a few more Tylenols into Juice’s mouth and then went back to staring at the sick boy before them silently.  


***  


Chibs woke with a start. _Huh, wha’s goin’ on? Where the fuck …?_

He felt a soft hand on his own so he looked up to see Juice gazing right at him wearily. He was confused. He had apparently fallen asleep. He looked around him and saw Tig sitting on the window ledge, looking outside, smoking with the window open. He turned back to Juice looking at him and frowned. Juice looked paler than ever although there were pearls of sweat on his head and forehead and his eyes were only halfway open.

“Chibs, “came the very low words, “I don’t feel good. What’s going on?” And Juice tried to pull himself up weakly but failed to do so. Chibs leaned forward and pushed him back softly.

“No, Juicy, don’ a move. Ye’re sick, ye have a high fever. Here, lemme take yer temperature again.” 

Juice didn’t protest when Chibs pushed the thermometer into his mouth again. 

“104. 4 F. It’s not much less, but at least a little, “he said. “Juice, ye haven’t eaten all day. I’m gonna make ye a soup, okay?”

Juice shook his head. “Can’t eat. Thirsty. So hot.” Chibs winced as he saw Juice clutching at his sweat pants as if he tried to get them off as well but he took his hands into his own and squeezed softly.

“Okay, love, ye’ll eat later. But please have some tea. And stop clutching at yer pants, ye need tae cool off but not completely.” Juice nodded and let Chibs feed him some tea. As soon as he laid him down unto the pillows, he slipped into sleep again. Chibs laid back into his chair and sighed. He frowned when after a few minutes, his stomach growled.

“Ha! You seem to be as hungry as I am!” came from behind him. He turned and looked at Tig grinning at him smugly. 

“Maybe I am, “he admitted reluctantly. “What we’re gonna do about it?”

“Already ordered some pizza, “Tig said, putting out his cigarette, “Tuna for you, right?”

Chibs grinned. “Right, Tiggy. Glad ye remembered.”

Right on time, there was a knock at the front door and Tig left to get their pizzas. Chibs refused to leave Juice alone so they decided to eat in the bedroom. They ate quietly, Tig devouring his meatball pizza in minutes whereas Chibs nibbled at his slice slowly. He was hungry, but he couldn’t dive into his food like Tig with a sick Juice just in front of him.  


“You really love him, don’t you?”

Chibs nearly choked on his pizza when he heard Tig’s question. Tig laughed heartily as he watched Chibs try to gain his composure again. After a few minutes, Chibs felt okay enough to turn to his friend and raise an eyebrow at him.

“How do ye mean? he asked with a beating heart.

“Ah, come on, Chibbie, “Tig chuckled. “I’m not as dumb as I look. The way you look at him, talk to him, the way you held him just a few minutes ago. How you protect him like a crazy mother hen, bitching at everyone around him. Come on, I figured it out weeks ago.”

Chibs couldn’t believe what he heard. _Shit, Tig knows. Should I deny everythin’? Should I confess? Tig is a good friend, but if he knows everyone else will, too and then I’m fucked. Sons don’t accept gay members. Shit, what am I gonna do?_ His mind raced as he went through the possibilities and he flinched when he suddenly felt a rough hand on his back.  


“Relax, man, I’m not gonna tell the others.” 

He looked up in surprise into Tig’s unusually serious face. “Ye won’t?” he asked suspiciously.

“Nah, “Tig said, “you know, I’m bi myself, so why should I do such a stupid thing?” And he beamed at Chibs with such simple honesty that Chibs felt a surge of affection go through him. _Of course, Tig is bi, totally makes sense. He’s into all sorts of other stuff, so I should have know he likes men, too._

He got up and grinned, laying an arm around Tig’s shoulder. “I should’ve known, Tiggie, “he chuckled.

Tig laughed too. “Yeah, man. And you two are cute together. You were always close, so it makes sense, you know?”

Chibs leaned closer to his friend and whispered into his ear. “Thank ye, brother.” And he kissed Tig’s cheek softly. 

Tig actually blushed. “Yeah, man, of course. Now get off me, before I get the idea you’re trying to seduce me, too.” 

Chibs shoved him away playfully and they both laughed, both of them happy they knew could trust the other with such an intimate secret. _Tig is a good friend. I’m truly blessed._ Chibs frowned when he heard a soft moan behind him and he turned to see Juice jerking up from his pillows with eyes wide open. He panted heavily and threw his head around frantically as if searching for something. Chibs was at his bedside immediately. 

“Calm down, Juice, calm down. It’s jist another nightmare. Calm down.” And he sat down next to Juice and pulled him close, stroking his head softly as Juice began to cry. He held him like this for a while until Juice’s breathing slowed down again.”Juicy, “he whispered, but there was no answer. Okay, asleep again. He laid him back down again and turned his head to look at Tig.

“It’s gonna be a long night, mate.”


	30. Forgiveness

It took ages for the fever to finally sink below 104 °F. Chibs spent the following two days and nights at Juice’s bedside, changing the cool washcloths on his skin, forcing down water, soup and pills down his throat when possible because Juice was in such a delirious state, it was generally difficult to keep him still. He talked to him, too, trying to comfort him with soft, reassuring words when Juice was panicking in his sleep again. It helped, most of the times he was able to calm him down so that he would sleep for a couple of hours until the next panic attack. 

It was three days after Juice’s fever had started and Chibs felt incredibly tired. He hadn’t really slept much, had only been able to close his eyes for maybe an hour or two when Juice had slept but he had jerked awake every time his ever-alert mind picked up the slightest move from the man in the bed beside him. The others had tried to convince him to go home and sleep in his own bed for at least one night but he had just ignored them. He couldn’t leave Juice like that. It would mean abandoning him and he wouldn’t do that again, ever. 

He felt slightly guilty for leaving his brothers alone with club business but he knew he wouldn’t be of great help with his mind constantly on Juice. Jax had come by and had instantly realized it wouldn’t make any sense to drag Chibs away from his patient so he’d just told him to do his thing and call if Juice got better. The other Sons had shown up as well, sometimes for “Juice duty”, other times to just keep Chibs company, distract his mind a little and most important, to feed him, because he himself wouldn’t have remembered to eat, it just didn’t seem important enough. 

Currently, he found himself waking up from a much-needed hour of sleep in the middle of the night. He looked at Juice and frowned in surprise when he saw that he was sleeping restfully for once. He looked better, too, so he reached forward and touched Juice’s forehead. It still felt hot and sweaty, but maybe a little bit cooler than before. He took the thermometer from the nightstand and pushed it very gently into Juice’s mouth, careful not to wake him. When it peeped he pulled it out and a slow smile crept up his lips: 103. 2 °F. _Finally, his fever’s breaking. Thank God._

His bladder announced itself suddenly and he stood up. He tried to ignore his aching knees and back, sore from being forced into a sitting position for three days. Before he left the room, he touched Juice again, letting his fingers trace the outline of his skull tenderly. “I’ll be back in a minute, love, “he whispered and smiled when Juice sighed in his sleep, as if to give his okay.

It felt good to move his aching limbs a little so he decided to walk around the house for a few minutes after relieving himself in the bathroom. He grinned when he found Tig curled up on the couch, mumbling to himself in his sleep, something about some “ugly bitch” and “teeth, be careful, teeth!” 

He made himself a cup of coffee and returned to the bedroom. His eyes opened wide when he saw that Juice was awake, trying to scramble out of the bed with weak effort.  


“Juice, wait, ye’re not strong enough!”

He reached him in three big strides, put his coffee cup on the nightstand and grabbed his shoulders to stop him from moving further. Juice flinched at the touch and looked up at him in frustration and also a hint of fear. Chibs let go at once and stepped back.

“Sorry, lad. But what are ye doin’?” he murmured guiltily. 

Juice sighed and run a hand over his Mohawk – trimmed neatly because Gemma had taken pity on him one day. “I’m sick of lying around all the time, I needed to get up, “he said. “ Besides, I’m hungry.” He threw a defiant stare at Chibs who crossed his arms in front of his chest as if he was scolding his disobedient child. Their eyes met and they glared each other down in a silent wrestle of wills. After a few minutes, Chibs jerked his head towards the bed.

“Ye feelin’ better?”

“Actually, I do, “Juice answered sullenly, “I don’t feel so hot anymore. So can I stand up now or are you going to forbid it?”

Chibs stepped away and held out his arm in open invitation. “By all means, do it. But don’t complain if ye fall down an’ hurt yerself.” 

He didn’t mean to sound so annoyed but Juice seemed so stubborn and he couldn’t just force him down on the bed again because that wouldn’t really be helpful in his cause to earn Juice’s trust back again. But he was ready to catch Juice any second he seemed to stumble and he braced himself when Juice rose weakly, holding out his arms to balance himself. He made one step, exhaled sharply, then made another. Then his one knee buckled and he nearly fell. Chibs jumped forward with open arms but Juice caught himself again and shook his head.

“It’s okay, Chibs. I can manage.”

And he wobbled towards the door unsteadily, Chibs right behind him, watching him closely. They reached the kitchen eventually and Juice let himself fall into one of the chairs heavily, his face as white as chalk from the strain of walking around.

“Are ye okay?” Chibs asked worriedly.

Juice closed his eyes and let out a few exhausted breaths. “I’m fine. Just a little … unsteady, but it’s okay now.” He still didn’t open his eyes and Chibs felt anxiety rising up within him, he was sure Juice would collapse in his chair any second.

“Relax, will you?” Juice opened his eyes and smiled at him as if he had sensed Chibs’s uneasiness. “I still feel like shit but I’m not going to faint or something, okay?”

Chibs exhaled loudly and grinned a little awkwardly. “Okay, “he mumbled, then a thought hit him out of nowhere. “Ye said ye’re hungry. Want me tae make ye somethin’ tae eat?”  


Juice sighed and nodded. “Oh God, yes please. I feel like I haven’t eaten in a week.”

“Well, actually, ye have eaten barely anythin’ in the last few days. Could hardly get some water an’ a few sips of soup into ye, “Chibs said. “Ye are still weak so ye shouldn’a eat anythin’ too nutritious. How’s stew sound tae ye?”

“Really good.” Juice smiled once again and Chibs’s heart made a small leap in his chest. He felt heat rising up his neck and he turned quickly so that Juice wouldn’t see it. He opened the fridge and took some vegetables and meat out. Before he set to work on the stew he heated up some water to make some tea for Juice. “Here, drink this while ye wait, “he said, putting the cup of tea in front of Juice. 

“Thanks, “Juice said hoarsely and Chibs shivered as he felt Juice’s hand brush against his for a second. He pushed aside any thoughts of want and craving, took a knife and quickly began to cut up meat, vegetables and potatoes for the stew. The only sounds in the room were his knife cutting and Juice sipping his tea quietly. After a while the silence began to feel uncomfortable, so Chibs turned on the little portable radio on the counter. He continued to cook while the voice of some country music singer filled the room. He had closed the door to the living room, so Tig wouldn’t wake up. 

After half an hour of awkward silence between them Chibs put a bowl full of juicy, steaming stew in front of Juice and sat down next to him with a bowl for himself. He actually felt pretty hungry right now and he was thankful for a decent meal after days of eating nothing but a few slices of pizza or the occasional burrito his brothers had brought him.  


“Smells great, “Juice said quietly and he picked up his spoon.

“Take it slow, okay, “Chibs warned, “yer body’s not used tae this anymore.” 

Juice smiled into his bowl and simply nodded. He sank the spoon into the bowl and began to eat very carefully. Chibs observed him quietly while he himself began to eat as well. The dish was really good, it was a recipe from his grandmother back in Scotland and he was glad he’d been able to remember it. Juice seemed to like it too, because his bowl soon was empty despite his slow eating. He shoved the bowl away and sighed.

“Thanks, man, I really needed that.”

“Ye’re welcome.”

Chibs finished his bowl as well and again, they sat in silence. After a few minutes, Chibs cleared his throat and started to get up. “Ye need yer pills, Juice, I’ll get them, “he said but stopped in his movements when he felt a hand on his arm. 

“Wait, “Juice spluttered suddenly. Chibs looked at him in surprise and Juice blushed a little.

“Please, I’d like to say something to you, “he said quietly so Chibs sank back into his seat and waited for Juice to speak. Juice quickly looked away to stare at the table in front of him. His fingers tapped on the wood nervously and he was chewing his lower lip again. _This cannot be good. He’s going to tell me that he doesn’t want me here anymore. That he can’t endure my presence anymore._ Chibs closed his eyes as he waited for the dreadful words to be spoken.

“I forgive you.”

He opened his eyes in shock and stared at Juice. Juice looked up and turned his eyes towards him. Chibs winced when he saw tears in them, big brown eyes shimmering wet with tears now slowly beginning to roll down his cheeks.

“Juice …” he whispered and he reached out a shy hand but Juice shook his head frantically and pulled his hands away.

“No, Chibs! Please, I wanna say this!”

Chibs nodded quickly and pulled his hand back again. He held his breath as he waited for Juice to continue. Suddenly, desperate hope found its way into his heart and he almost didn’t dare to look at Juice, he was so nervous.  


Juice’s breath accelerated as he tried to speak again and the tears kept falling into his trembling lap. He closed his eyes and seemed to concentrate on calming himself.

“I know you didn’t want to hurt me, “he finally whispered. “I know they forced you and you weren’t in your right mind. It was really hard for me to realize this, you know? After it happened, I really thought you hated me. That maybe you thought I wasn’t worthy of your affection after all. I thought after everything they’d done to me, maybe you thought I wasn’t good enough for you anymore. They made a whore out of me, a piece of meat to be used and to be beat around. I thought you were disgusted of me. Hell, I was so disgusted of myself, I couldn’t bear to be in my own skin.”

A desperate sob left Juice’s throat and went straight into Chibs’s heart. He shifted restlessly, longing to just take Juice into his arms and knew he couldn’t but at the same time he was shocked to hear the words Juice said. He pressed his lips together as he waited for Juice to continue. His breath hitched as his sobs quieted down a little and he raised his head to look at Chibs, his eyes now red and swollen from all the tears.

“I can still feel their hands on me, Chibs, “he cried out. “I can feel them grabbing me, claiming me, hurting me. And I can feel your eyes on me while they are hurting me. I’ve never known such shame, I-I’ve never ever felt so worthless. E-Even when I stole that coke and k-killed Miles, I … it didn’t feel as bad as this did. When they took me back to the infirmary after the first time, I felt so dirty and helpless. But then I thought of you and how you’d promise me you’d always protect me, I kinda felt comforted. I knew you loved me and that was enough to keep me going.”

Juice interrupted himself to wipe away a few tears and to catch his breath. When he continued his voice was quieter and he seemed calmer.

“But when you hit me, my world came crushing down. I know it sounds like such a cliché but I felt so abandoned, so alone. After that, I just wanted to die. I didn’t know what could be worth living for anymore. I felt like you had decided to join them in their hate against me. That night I dreamt of the club again, how they all chased me down because of my betrayal. But this time, you were there with them, Chibs. You were right at the front of the mob chasing me down and there was such hate and disgust in your eyes … I couldn’t bear it.”

Juice began to sob again and his whole body shook and trembled. Chibs watched helplessly as his friend wrapped his arms around himself as if trying to comfort himself. 

“I was so convinced you’d given me up I just shut down. I knew they wouldn’t kill me soon so I decided to wait till they would finally do it. I prayed it would be over soon. Then I remembered our times together. How we met and how you took care of me all these years ago. I remembered when we were in Ireland and you asked me to watch over Fiona and Kerrianne. I was so proud you trusted me with your family and when you thanked me later and hugged me it felt so good, I was so happy. I skipped the whole part with Roosevelt and Clay and everything and just tried to think how it felt when you first kissed me. Said you liked me. How good your warm skin felt against mine. How it made me shiver to be so near to you, your lips felt so good and I loved your soft hair and the way you always squeezed my neck. I tried to think of all this and it made me happy again, at least for a little while.“

“But then, when I closed my eyes, I would see you again with the whip in your hand and I’d feel the hurt again and the blank look in your eyes and I suddenly couldn’t breathe anymore and … oh God, I just couldn’t escape this image. It kept haunting me, it pushed aside all the warm feelings about us and if there had been any sharp tool in the vicinity, I would have slit my wrists, I know. But they had an eye on me all the time anyway, so it wasn’t as if that had been a possibility.”

“When I realized they had found and rescued us, I couldn’t bring myself to feel relieved. In fact, I felt downright angry they had robbed me of my right to die. I had lost you and after what they’d done to me, I know there was no possible good life for me out there. I hated lying there in that hospital bed, hated feeling so goddamn helpless once again and I hated those doctors who tried to make me better because I didn’t want to be better. I just wanted to die. I even had a plan, I wanted to ask Tig or even better Happy to kill me, tell them about my betrayal because they were the only ones who don’t know and I’m sure they wouldn’t hesitate to kill me.”

Chibs shuddered. Juice was right. They wouldn’t have hesitated.

“When I first saw you, though, I actually dared to hope. You seemed so crushed and sorry and I began to hope that maybe you didn’t hate me. I was scared shitless at the sight of you but still, I longed for you to just take me in your arms and hold me. I guess in my heart, I already knew you didn’t mean to hurt me.”  


Chibs couldn’t suppress a small smile at that.

“These three weeks I kept clinging unto that hope. It kept me going, I actually wanted to get better just to find out if I had been right, if you really were sorry and if there maybe was a chance of us being friends again. The day they took me here, I-I was so nervous, I wanted to see you so badly, but I was so scared at the same time …”

Juice stopped and sighed. “Here I am, babbling away like a child. What I really wanna say is … thank you, Chibs. Thanks for not hating me, for still believing in me. Thanks for taking care of me these past few days, thanks for being there. I… I know now that you really care for me and I cannot say how glad I am.”

His voice broke once again and another tear fell down, this time silently. Suddenly, Chibs couldn’t take it anymore. “Can I hold you now?” he asked hoarsely and the tiny nod Juice gave was all he needed. He jumped out of his chair and knelt besides Juice. He grabbed him by the shoulders and pressed him against his chest. Juice let himself go almost immediately, laid an arm around his neck and began to sob into Chibs’s chest violently.

“Shh, baby, shhh, I’m here, “Chibs whispered as he stroked Juice’s back and rocked him back and forth. God, how good it felt to finally feel Juice so near again! He inhaled his smell and it was breathtaking. He touched his hot, feverish but familiar skin and it felt incredibly amazing. Juice as a whole felt wonderful but he shook his head and concentrated on stroking and holding Juice.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t able to see you didn’t mean it, “Juice sobbed against his chest. “I was so scared, God, I’m such a coward.”

Chibs held Juice away from him a little and forced him to look at him. “No, Juice, don’t ye start callin’ yerself tha’! Ye were incredibly brave during that whole ordeal, ye cannot believe how proud I was! Ye stood up to them, ye showed them you wanted tae fight, no coward would have done tha’!” 

Juice sniveled and Chibs hooked a finger under his chin to tilt his head upwards. “Everything ye did, it was so brave after what I did tae ye I was sure ye would never want tae see me again. But ye did an’ I’m awfully grateful for tha’, believe me! Please, please forgive me for what I’ve done tae ye, I hate myself for doing tha’ tae you!”

Juice shook his head fervently. “No, don’t do that, Chibs. I already told you, they forced you, and I’ve forgiven you weeks ago.”

They stared at each other for a few moments and Chibs searched frantically in his mind for the right words to say.

“Juice, ye're incredible and I love ye, “he whispered at last.

Juice swallowed heavily and glanced at Chibs’s mouth, chewing at his own lips again. “I love you, too, Chibs.”

Chibs moved forward slowly and waited for any sign of fear in Juice’s eyes. There wasn’t any, well maybe a little but mostly only nervousness. He reached out and cupped Juice’s face gently. “Can I kiss ye?” he murmured. Juice nestled against his hand holding his face and just nodded.

Slowly, almost in slow-motion, Chibs closed the remaining distance and pressed his lips softly against Juice’s. As soon as their lips touched, Juice moaned quietly and began to tremble. Chibs backed away at once but Juice pulled him towards himself again and kissed him once more. Chibs could feel the heat radiating of Juice’s hot skin and he remembered he still had a fever and they probably shouldn’t kiss right now but he couldn’t bring himself to actually care because Juice felt so good and he had longed to kiss him for such a long time. 

When Juice opened his mouth he let his tongue slide in slowly, cautiously. Juice welcomed him in readily enough and Chibs couldn’t believe how good Juice tasted. He began to lick into his mouth more urgently and when Juice responded with equal urgency he suddenly felt so aroused, he just had to pull Juice down from his chair and suddenly they were lying on the floor, laying side by side, still kissing.

Juice pulled away for a second, breathless. “I’ve missed you so much, “he murmured and whimpered when Chibs pressed his head into his neck, placing soft little kisses into it.  


Chibs let out an impatient groan. “I missed ye too, Juicy. Ye cannot believe how much.” And then he kissed him again, his tongue invading the other man’s mouth hungrily but he didn’t feel guilty because Juice seemed to like it, seemed to _need_ it, his tongue dancing around his, making little whimpering sounds at the back of his throat that nearly drove Chibs crazy.

Chibs shifted them and then he was on top of Juice, leaning downward to kiss him again and again. Juice pressed upwards against him and moaned into his mouth, little soft urgent moans that went straight to his dick. He felt his erection harden within his jeans and he pressed himself against Juice’s body, hungry for the other man’s touch. But suddenly, Juice went stiff under him.

“Please stop, “he whispered, his voice suddenly full of terror and fear.

Chibs was just nibbling at Juice’s lower lip and didn’t react at once, he was just too lost in the wonderful taste of Juice’s skin. He froze, however, when he suddenly felt Juice’s hands at his chest, trying to push him away.

“Chibs, please! I can’t!” 

Chibs’s flinched at the panic in Juice’s voice and rolled off of him at once. He sat up and scooted away a little to give Juice some space. His brows furrowed in concern as he watched Juice curl up into a ball, his eyes glancing at him in fear. _Damn! Way too early! Filip, ye idiot, ye’ve done it again!_

“Calm down, Juice, please! All’s good, okay? I’m not gonna hurt ye, “he mumbled quietly and waited as Juice’s breath quieted down slowly.

“I’m sorry, Chibs.”

Chibs frowned and shook his head at Juice’s terrified, whispered words.

“I can’t do this … not yet. I- I wanted to, b-but, when I felt your … y-you against me, I saw them again and I c-couldn’t stand it, p-please understand.” The tears were flowing again and Juice shook his head, seemingly angry at himself.

“No, Juice, I understand, tha’s perfectly understandable after what ye went through.” Chibs slid nearer again and held out his arms tentatively. Juice nodded and he pulled him into a strong embrace again. Juice cried and he held him for a long time.

“I’m sorry, Juice, I messed up again, “he murmured softly into Juice’s neck. “I should have known how you’d react, I’m so sorry. I jist wanted tae feel an’ touch ye for such a long time I couldn’t restrain myself. It was selfish an’ stupid of me, please forgive me.”

Juice shook his head and pulled away a little to look Chibs in the eye. “No, I wanted it, too, so please don’t blame yourself. You’ve done so much for me, taken care of me for the whole time I was sick and I barely even looked at you. Please forgive me, Chibs, please, I was so happy when I woke up from that fever and saw you next to me. I want to kiss you, I love to kiss you, but … but I can’t, you know? I can’t go further … right now.”

Chibs smiled and nodded. “I totally understand, love an’ please don’t think I wasn’t happy tae take care of you. It hurt so much tae see ye like this, I jist want ye tae get better.”  


Juice smiled and looked up at him hopefully; Chibs just had to pull him back into a tight embrace. “We’re gonna heal this, Juicy, “he whispered, “you and me together, we can do it. Okay?” Juice nodded and Chibs squeezed his body against his own one last time then broke the embrace.

“Come on, let’s get you back into bed, or you’ll faint on me after all, “he said and he pulled himself and Juice up to their feet again. He laid Juice’s arm around his shoulder to support him and together they slowly made their way back to the bedroom. Very carefully, Chibs helped Juice into bed and tucked him under the covers. He gave him two of his pills along with a glass of water to drink. When Juice was finished, Chibs leaned forward and stroked Juice’s cheeks tenderly.  


“Sleep now, baby, ye still need a lot of rest.”

Juice nodded wearily and his lids were already drooping with tiredness. “Will you stay here with me?” he asked shyly.

“Of course I will, “Chibs replied warmly as he traced the outline of Juice’s jaw with his thumb. “Sleep, love, I’ll watch over ye.”

Juice nodded and closed his eyes. A few seconds later he was sound asleep. 

“Good night, baby, “Chibs whispered and he leaned forward to place one last, soft kiss on Juice’s lips. He felt like he could embrace the whole world and when he sat back to watch over Juice for the rest of the night, he actually felt a little light-headed with elation. Juice had forgiven him! Juice still loved him, after everything he’d done to him! Chibs couldn’t believe his luck and he had to slip Juice’s still hand into his so he could remember how they had touched just minutes ago. They had actually kissed and had felt so incredibly, unbelievably fantastic, Chibs shivered and felt an exciting tingle between his legs just from thinking about it. 

He swore to himself he would be as gentle and sweet with Juice as possible. _I will treat him like he’s made of glass, I will only kiss him carefully and I’ll make sure to keep my hands away until he’s ready to go further. Hell, I cannot believe he’s actually willing to trust me again. I don’t even know if I deserve it but this time I will do right by him, I swear. No one’s ever gonna hurt him again, I’ll kill anyone who just thinks of touching him._

He curled his free hand into a fist but relaxed when Juice stirred in his sleep, murmuring something incoherent in his sleep. Chibs smiled and stroked Juice’s hand in his with his thumb. _We’re going to heal together, Juice. Dear God, thank you for giving us another chance. I will not mess up this time, I swear._ He spent the rest of the night looking at his Juice, feeling as peaceful and happy as he had never done in a very long time. He didn’t feel tired at all.


	31. Sick Baby

“You sure you don’t wanna come with us, brother?“ 

Chibs shook his head as he put out his cigarette into the ashtray on the kitchen table and Jax sighed. 

“I really can’t, Jackie. His fever’s still quite high an’ I’m not leavin’ him like tha’! Who’s gonna look after him? The prospects? They can’t tell the difference between Tylenol and Aspirin an’ Gemma can’t be here all the time.”

Jax chuckled lowly, then frowned slightly.

“Yeah, I get that, but … you know, you’re my Sergeant-at-Arms, you really should be there when we’re having a meeting like that with two other charters. I should demote you for leaving your President hanging like that.”

Chibs smirked at that. He knew Jax was only teasing him, knew that his friend understood why he couldn’t accompany them to Eden. Even though Jax had no clue about him and Juice being in love with each other he would have been blind not to acknowledge their deep friendship. Chibs’s increased protectiveness towards Juice in the past few weeks had only reinforced that notion and Jax got it, in fact, he seemed deeply impressed by Chibs’s devotion and he wouldn’t stand in the way of that. Of course, the club always had to come first, but this time, Jax could make an exception: Juice really was sick and the meeting wasn’t that important after all: just checking in with the other charters, usual business, nothing too complicated. Chibs could tell all that just by looking at Jax’s face and Jax grinned when he realized how well Chibs could read his thoughts.

“Dumbass, “he laughed and they pulled each other into a manly hug, patting each other’s shoulders tightly.

“Sorry, Jackie, “Chibs said when they broke apart. “Next time I’ll be there again, promise.” 

“I’ll hold you to that, brother, “Jax said with a wide grin as he shrugged into his cut. “We’ll be back tomorrow, so you won’t be alone for too long. You’ve got Gemma here until evening and then V-Lin’s gonna take over for the night so you can catch some beauty sleep.”

Chibs nodded and threw an arm over Jax shoulder as they walked to the front door together. “Aye, Jackie. We’ll manage jist fine. Probably die from boredom so I expect some nice stories to listen tae when ye get back, ye hear me?”

Jax turned towards him with a worried expression on his face. “You know Mc’Allister’s gone for good, right? Probably decided it best to hide somewhere as far away from here as possible, until it’s safe to show his face again.”

Chibs smacked his lips, tilted his head to the right. “Aye, probably, “he muttered into his beard.

“Seriously, Chibs, it’s been over a month now. He’s not that stupid to show up here, he knows SAMBEL is pissed as hell at him, so it would be major freaking foolish to still be in Charming. You know that, don’t you? Chibs?” 

Chibs was starting to get annoyed and nodded impatiently. “Aye, Pres, I know. Will ye fuckin’ leave now? Ye’re startin’ tae give me a headache.” 

Jax grinned at him, although his concern didn’t leave his face entirely. He pushed his fist into Chibs’s shoulder in a brotherly gesture and jerked his chin forward.  


“Take care, brother. See ya tomorrow.”

“Right. See ya, brother. Love ya, “Chibs answered with a mock kissing gesture and laughed when Jax gave him the finger on his way out. He closed the door behind him and sighed. He didn’t know why he felt so anxious all of a sudden. _They’re away for just one day. What is yer fuckin’ problem? Jax is totally right, McAllister’s gone for good, he’s not stupid, why should he still be here? Ye really worry too much, Filip, jist like Fiona always says._

He went to the sink and started cleaning some dishes, just to give his hands something to do. _Really, we’re fine here. Nothing’s goin’ tae happen, jist quit yer whining already!_ But he couldn’t lose that strange feeling in his stomach so he decided that he wouldn’t sleep tonight. V-Lin would be there to keep an eye open and that was good but two pairs of eyes were better than just one and he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep after all. 

A small smile crept up his lips as he realized keeping an eye open wasn’t the only reason he wanted to stay awake tonight. He planned to sit by Juice’s bedside the whole time, keeping tabs on his fever because he still had to cool down a lot and he was a responsible medic, after all. But he hoped that Juice would be awake for a little while at least, too. Maybe they could talk a little, work on that trust thing some more and … maybe, just maybe Juice was up for a little kissing, allowing Chibs to slowly push his tongue into his mouth while his hands roughly explored the back of his neck and back, slowly sliding down towards that tight little ass and … _Oh God, ye're such a selfish prick! What are ye thinkin?!_

Chibs closed his eyes as he desperately tried to shove all thoughts of Juice’s body out of his damned brain. He exhaled slowly as if he was practicing some Yoga technique on how to relax and to his surprise, it worked. Relieved, he drained the sink of the filthy water and began to dry up the clean dishes. _One day after we kissed, and ye’re already thinking about sex. This is gross, ye should really be ashamed of yerself, Filip. The boy needs time, a lot of time actually an’ it’s not gonna help him if ye’re hovering around him with a bulge in yer pants the whole time! He needs ye now, so take it slow, alright?_ He nodded in reply to himself and had to repress laughing at himself: here he was, all alone, talking to himself in his mind like he was crazy. Well, maybe he was a little crazy. _Crazy in love with Juice, that is. God, do ye listen to yer own thoughts? Get a hold of yerself, man!_

He shook his head as if that would stop his inner monologue from laying itself out in his head and started towards the bedroom. He could hear low voices coming from inside, so he knocked to be polite and stepped in. Gemma was sitting in his usual chair at Juice’s bedside and he smiled when he realized she had apparently managed to brighten Juice up a little. He chuckled at something Gemma had said and turned his head to beam at Chibs. His heart stopped in his chest for a second, that smile hit him so hard. It was the kind of smile he had always found incredibly adorable about Juice: radiant, showing all of his white teeth, careless, as if there were no worries in the world. He had seen women swooning over that smile and he sympathized because he knew the feeling only too well. Juice’s smile was a heartbreaker, period. 

He cleared his throat to force his mind to come back to earth and managed to grin at them casually. “You two amusing yerselves?”

“Oh, yeah, “Juice said enthusiastically, “Gemma just told me how she caught Happy the other day playing with Thomas in his room. Turns out Happy’s quite good with babies.”

Chibs raised a skeptical eyebrow. “He is?” he asked incredulously.

Gemma grinned as she leaned back into her chair. “Oh, yeah. Let him fly in the air like a plane, let him crawl on his belly, tuck at his cut. He even sang “Twinkle twinkle” for him, you wouldn’t believe it. It was fucking adorable.”

Chibs couldn’t suppress a malicious grin as he pictured the grim, silent killer Happy all mellow with little Thomas. _Who would have thought?_

The chair creaked a little when Gemma stood up. “You know what, guys? It’s almost lunchtime and I bet you two are getting hungry, ain’t that right?”

Juice nodded fervently. “You’re betting right, Gem. I could eat a whole cow right now.”

Chibs chuckled at Juice’s re-surfacing tendency to exaggerate dramatically. Gemma did, too and she playfully nudged Juice’s chin with her fist.

“Good to see you getting your appetite back again, sweetie. You’ve gotten way too thin, gotta get some flesh unto your skinny bones. How’s spaghetti with meatballs sound?”

“Awesome!” Juice beamed at them both and Chibs’s heart skipped a beat. He smiled at Gemma when she winked at him conspirationally and all of a sudden they were alone.

Feeling untypically nervous and almost bashful, Chibs approached the bed and took the seat Gemma had just vacated. He threw a hesitant smile in Juice’s direction and was happy to see Juice smile back in the same shy, nervous way. After what had happened the night before, the both of them seemed relieved to feel the tension of the last few weeks gone, to know that the other one still felt the same as before and that kissing each other still felt amazingly good. 

Still, both kind of felt at a loss of what exactly do to now, Chibs could tell. He knew he just wanted to pull Juice into a tight embrace and never let him go, but that wouldn’t be very practical. Alternatively, he would be happy to just have hot, dirty sex with Juice right now, right here – but that wasn’t an option either. So he had to approach this differently and he just had to figure out how. To his relief, Juice also seemed very nervous, so they at least were in the same boat.

He interrupted his musing and smiled again at Juice. “Hey, “he offered, not very imaginatively.

Juice smiled back self-consciously. “Hey, “he whispered hoarsely.

Chibs dropped his gaze again and began fumbling around with the zipper of his hoodie nervously. “Did you sleep well last night? How’s the fever goin’?”

Juice face lit up a little. “Oh, I slept right through, “he said. “My first night without one single nightmare since … you know.” Juice’s smile faltered a little and Chibs quickly reached forward and touched his forehead.

“You feel a lot cooler.”

“Yeah, Gemma jut took measure, 103.0 °F. I really feel better, too.” Juice smiled again and Chibs smiled right back at him until Juice dropped his eyes, blushing.

“Chibs, I … I’m really glad we could talk a little last night. I needed that. It felt really good to tell you all that, to let you know how I felt about everything and … yeah, I’m just glad we did that.”

Chibs took Juice’s hand into his and squeezed it softly. “Me too, love, me too, “he muttered.

“And I, uhm, I also liked what we did after, you know, the uh …” Juice blushed even deeper and Chibs couldn’t suppress a low chuckle. Juice raised his eyebrow slightly and Chibs leaned forward to cup his face gently into his hand.

“Believe me, Juice, I enjoyed tha’, too, “he croaked, his throat feeling suddenly very dry. He leaned forward some more and Juice craned his neck forward, too until their faces were just inches apart.

“In fact, “Chibs murmured as his lips brushed against Juice’s neck, “I’d like tae do it again.” And he surged forward and kissed Juice on the lips quite bluntly. Juice opened his mouth at once and moaned quietly when Chibs began to suck at his tongue in a soft, but firm way. It was enough to let him know he wanted him badly, but not too much to frighten him. Juice leaned back into the pillows when Chibs put his one knee onto the bed and leaned over him. Chibs took Juice’s face into his hands while he kissed him and Juice pushed his fingers into Chibs’s hair. Soon, they moaned into each other mouths as they stroked and kissed each other, both of them unbelievably turned on by how amazing the other man felt.

After a few minutes, Chibs forced himself to break the kiss and pulled back. Juice whimpered in protest at once but Chibs held up his hands between them and sank back into the chair, completely out of breath.

“Gotta be careful, love, “he panted, “don’t wanna hurt ye again.” 

Juice shook his head sadly. “No, Chibs, please don’t … you’d never hurt me like that.” He winced when he realized how that had sounded and when he saw how sad Chibs looked. “Please, let’s not talk about this, alright?” he pleaded and Chibs nodded solemnly. 

They sat in silence for a few minutes until Chibs sighed and reached out to tenderly caress Juice’s cheek. “We have all the time in the world, Juicy, ”he whispered. “Let’s jist take it slow. And let’s always be a 100 percent honest with each other an’ always tell the other if there’s somethin’ wrong. Okay?” He nudged Juice’s chin a little so Juice would look at him. Deep brown eyes pierced into his and he felt the hair on his skin rise.

“Okay, “Juice said firmly and smiled. Chibs smiled back and pressed a soft, quick kiss on Juice’s mouth. 

Chibs gave Juice his midday pills and washed his hot face and head once again when Gemma called for them to come eat lunch.

It was really nice, having lunch together at the kitchen table. Gemma was a real good cook and the spaghetti tasted delicious, both him and Juice had seconds. Gemma was happy, like she always was when she could mother-hen someone and she chattered away at them carelessly. Chibs was grateful because he hadn’t seen her that relaxed for a long time - not since Clay had been arrested thanks to her and Juice.

Juice seemed very relaxed, too as he and Gemma exchanged opinions about how they thought children should be reared and Chibs felt a very comfortable, very soothing peace settle inside his chest as he watched the two of them tease each other affectionately. 

When they were finished, Gemma got all motherly again. “You, “she said, pointing her finger straight at Juice, “into your bed again, young man, now!”

Juice tried to protest. “Gemma, please, can’t I stay up a little? I’m sick and tired of lying around uselessly …” He closed his mouth helplessly when he saw Gemma’s strict no-nonsense glare. “Please, could I at least watch a little TV? I’m so bored.” And he threw his best innocent puppy-eyed stare at her. Gemma’s resistance faltered and she shook her head, chuckling to herself. 

“Alright, baby, you can go watch some TV, “she said and rolled her eyes in Chibs’s direction when Juice grinned like a little boy and hurried away into the living room. _They’re really cute together. She’s always been good with him, the kind of strict but loving mother he never had but needed so much. Bless you, Gemma._ He pulled her into a warm hug and kissed the top of her head. She looked at him in surprise but hugged him back fondly. 

They cleaned the dishes and had a smoke together. After that, they joined Juice in the living room and watched TV with him for a couple of hours. Chibs wasn’t what one would call a TV person, he hated commercials and neither mundane afternoon sitcoms nor silly cartoon shows did it for him. But when Juice almost laughed his head off watching “Spongebob” it filled his stomach with a warm, fuzzy feeling and he knew he had absolutely no problem with watching TV right now. 

He didn’t realize he had fallen asleep until he was woken by a gentle shake of his shoulder by Gemma. He looked around in confusion and almost fell of the couch when he noticed he was lying on his back on the couch with Juice’s head in his lap. Juice was asleep, curled into a ball, and he seemed completely content with the position he was in as there was a small smile on his lips. Chibs looked up at Gemma grinning down at him and he gaped at her helplessly when he realized how the two of them must look like.

“You two are cute together, “Gemma smirked and she winked. He raised his hands helplessly and she said nothing, just continued to grin at him silently. After a few embarrassing minutes she laughed and poked his shoulder playfully.

“Relax, baby, I’m not gonna tell anyone how you two cuddled like lovebirds.” Chibs relaxed visibly. She gathered her purse from the coffee table and looked at him more seriously. “Chibs, it’s 7 pm and I have to go now. V-Lin’s already here, so I’m outta here. That okay?”

He nodded, still a little sleepy. “Of course, Gem.”

She jerked her head towards the sleeping Juice. “You need to wake him for his meds. Maybe wash him down again, he looks like he’s heating up again a little.”

Chibs reached forward to touch Juice’s forehead and cursed in Gaelic when indeed it felt a little hotter than a few hours ago. “Ye’re right, Gem. Go, the wee ones are waiting, I’ll take care of this.” He made a waving motion towards the door and she started to leave the room.

“Take care, okay, sweetie?” She turned back in the door jamb with a tentative smile on her lips. “This was nice. Hanging with you guys, I really liked that.” He smiled at her a little surprised and she blew him a kiss, laughed when he pretended to catch it, then left.

“She’s a dear, “he murmured to himself with a small smile. He leaned forward and shook Juice’s shoulder gently.

“Juice. Juice, baby, time tae wake up.” He had to shake him a little while longer until Juice finally woke up with a low groan, clutching his forehead.

“Chibs? Feeling hot again … headache, too.” 

Chibs cursed again and helped Juice to crawl out of his lap and sit straight. “Come on, love, let’s get ye back into bed, “he said and together they made it back into the bedroom. He helped Juice into bed, gave him some Tylenol, took his temperature – unfortunately risen to 103.9 °F again – and prepared some cool washcloths and tea for him with the help of a cooperative V-Lin. 

“Here we go again, “he muttered to himself as he settled into his usual chair next to Juice’s bed and watched his friend battle his fever once again.

***

He was startled by a frantic knock at the door. Frowning in surprise, he glanced at his watch and raised an eyebrow. _It’s 2 am in the morning. Who would knock here at this hour?_ He quickly glanced at Juice: he was sleeping relatively quietly, although there was the occasional frightened muttering he couldn’t decipher. He got up and left the room, pulling his gun out of his cut. 

In the kitchen he met V-Lin who stood by the front door with also a gun in his hand and an uncertain look on his face. He glanced at Chibs with a silent question in his eyes. Chibs put a finger on his lips and crept towards the door quietly. He pressed himself against it and put his ear right on the wood to listen. Suddenly, there was another desperate knock and a high female voice carried through from behind the door.

“Help! Please help, is anybody there? Oh God, please!”

Chibs raised an eyebrow towards V-Lin and lowered his gun a little. “Who’s there, “he barked with his mouth right at the door.

“Oh thank God!” the female voice exclaimed with obvious relief in her voice. “Please open up, Sir, my baby’s sick but my car just broke down and I don’t know what to do! Please, Sir, please help me!” 

His heart fluttered in his chest but he let out a quick breath and told himself to remain calm. He nodded at V-Lin quickly who hid his gun under his cut, and opened the door a little. Right in front of him stood a petite, brunette woman. She was probably in her early thirties, pretty and right now she was looking at him in utter desperation.  


“Please, Sir, please, my baby girl – she’s sick!”

He opened the door a little wider and let his gaze wander around the open street in front of the house. There was nobody else there, the street was only half-lit but he could see all was clear.

“Where’s yer car?” he asked quietly.

“It’s right there, “she said, pointing down the street and when he leaned forward a little he could see a green Opel standing on the side of the road, about 300 meters away from them. He stepped out of the doorway into the night, his gun already tucked away in his cut but then he hesitated. He turned back to V-Lin, then turned towards the woman.

“Please, Sir, please …” she whimpered and then the tears began streaming down her cheeks. He felt a little helpless as she sobbed and looked at him imploringly. “I beg you, Sir, please help my baby!”

He turned back at V-Lin. “I’ll be right back. Watch out here, okay?” V-Lin nodded and pulled his gun out again with a firm determination in his eyes. “Yeah, I got this, “he said and Chibs turned back to the woman in front of him.

“Alright, lady, let’s take a look at yer baby.” He stepped forward and let himself be pulled towards the car by the frightened woman.  


She let go of his arm when they reached the car and ran ahead to open the passenger’s door. “Here she is, “she whined as she pointed inside the car, “here’s my little baby, please Sir, help her!”

“Alright, lady, calm down, it’s gonna be okay, “he soothed and he leaned inside the car to take a look inside the baby’s booster seat on the passenger’s side. He frowned however, when he realized it wasn’t a baby sitting there, but a baby doll.

Before he could say anything he felt his left wrist jerked back and heard a soft click. He quickly began to turn around but he was so startled that he missed the hand reaching inside his cut, snatching away his gun.

“Hey, what - ?!” 

He whirled around and the blood froze in his veins when he realized his hand was cuffed to the car’s door handle while the woman in front of him had changed completely. Instead of the sobbing, desperate mess she had been seconds before, she looked totally calm now as she backed away from him a few steps, crossed her arms in front of her chest and grinned at him in a totally unsettling manner.

He pulled at the handcuffs but he knew it was useless. “What’s goin’ on?” he growled out angrily, “who are you?”

“Oh, you needn’t concern yourself with that, darling, “the woman said in an amused tone. “Just know you’ve been played, Filip. You’ve been played well.” She smiled as she shook her head. “Pity, really.”

He just wanted to insult her profoundly when suddenly the sound of a gun shot rang through the night. He jerked his head towards Juice’s house where the sound had come from and suddenly, he couldn’t breathe anymore.

“Juice!” He went completely pale and she laughed out loudly.

“As I said, pity. But now, I have to go. Farewell, Filip.” She winked at him and began to walk towards the house again, swaying her hips provocatively. He gaped after her as panic and terror threatened to overwhelm him. _No! What has happened? Juice! Have tae help Juice!_

He tugged at the handcuffs in utter desperation and cried out in exasperation when he only managed to bury the metal deeply into his flesh. He fell onto his knees because he suddenly didn’t have the strength to stand on his feet anymore and he slammed his free fist into the pavement in sheer frustration. 

“Goddamn bitch, “he whispered as he helplessly watched her disappear into the house. What had he done? How could he have been so stupid? He had to do something but there was nothing he could do. For the first time after those weeks in that basement, Filip Telford realized he was absolutely powerless.

Hot tears welled up in his throat and he clawed his fingers into his thigh so he’d feel physical pain rather than the fear of wondering what had happened in that house, what was happening there right now. He flinched when he suddenly heard the sound of a car speeding away. The sound came from where Juice’s house was but he didn’t see anything. 

Then there was only silence, except for his ragged breathing. He let himself fall forward and felt almost soothed by how smooth the asphalt felt underneath his hot cheek. A single angry tear fell from his eye and dropped onto the ground next to him. 

“Juice. Oh God, Juice, what have I done?” he whispered and his brain didn’t register the sounds of police sirens approaching, the only sound he heard was that of the gunshot from before ripping through the air, again and again and his ears hurt, because the sound suddenly seemed almost deafening to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, I couldn't resist the chance to use the baby doll trick they used on Gemma in S2, please forgive me ;)


	32. The Lost Son

_Juice…. Juice…. Juice…_

For a long time Chibs’s brain was unable to form other words than the name of his best friend, lover and basically the man who held his heart in his hands. As he lay there on the pavement, his left hand starting to ache because he was still cuffed to the damn car, he tried to blend out images of Juice being shot to death in his bed. He closed his eyes in helpless protest but he could still picture him lying there with a hole in his forehead, surprise in his dead eyes. 

It hurt too much and his frightened mind frantically searched for something different to think of – so he unconsciously began to count the blades of grass growing on the side of the road. _One, two, three … evrythin’s fine … four, five, six … the night air actually fells kinda nice …seven, eight, nine … Juice’s not dead, no, he cannot be …_

When he got to twenty he became aware of several different noises closing in around him: sirens howling, doors slamming, feet shuffling on the ground, running, people yelling.  


He finally found the strength to lift his head at the scene in front of him: there were a police car and an ambulance parked on the street in front of Juice’s house. Two paramedics jumped out of the car and sped through the open front door, two other paramedics following them carrying a stretcher between them. Two men stepped out of the police car. They looked at the house first, then turned their heads in Chibs’s direction. After apparently discussing briefly they also stepped into the house. Chibs got more and more nervous, he wanted to know what was going on, _dammit!_

After what seemed an eternity but probably were only two minutes, the paramedics left the house again with the stretcher. This time, there was a body on it, but Chibs couldn’t make out anything from his position. He watched helplessly as they put the stretcher inside the ambulance and then drove away with the siren back on. 

The two police officers also came out of the house. One of them headed opposite to the street and approached a man who stood there in his pajamas (apparently the neighbor who had called 911), while the other headed into Chibs’s direction. _Oh, finally somebody has decided to acknowledge my presence: how nice of them!_ Chibs’s anxiety increased with every second and when he saw that it was Roosevelt who approached him he couldn’t hold back any longer.

“What’s going on?! Is he dead?! Tell me, or I’ll rip yer throat out!”

Roosevelt made a funny face and stopped a few meters away from him. He held up his hands in conciliation as he got on one knee as he took in the situation in front of him.

“Whoa, man, calm down!” he said firmly. “What the hell happened?”

Chibs closed his eyes in utter frustration. “Dammit, tell me if he’s dead, now!” he spat out through gritted teeth.

Roosevelt flinched a little at the concentrated anger directed at him but he was wise enough to answer the question quickly.

“Your prospect? Well, it doesn’t look too good, he took a bullet in the shoulder and he lost a lot of blood, but the paramedics said that it wasn’t hopeless.”

“V-Lin?” Chibs’s eyes widened in surprise. “Ye mean it’s not Juice they shot?”

Roosevelt frowned and shook his head. “No, I just told you, it was the prospect.”

“Then where the hell is Juice?!” Chibs almost choked on the words, he was so agitated he had to concentrate to breathe.

Roosevelt frowned some more and shrugged. “Sorry, Chibs, there was nobody else in the house.”

_Oh God._ It had happened again. They had taken Juice away again, but this time Chibs wasn’t there by his side! A searing pain ripped through Chibs’s chest and he let out an agonized groan as he shifted onto his back and gazed into the black night sky. His mind was a blank, empty space. He closed his eyes because suddenly he felt empty and helpless and sad and _oh so tired_. He heard Roosevelt shift beside him but he didn’t bother to turn his head.

“Chibs, “he heard the sheriff say carefully, let’s get you out of these cuffs and then we’ll talk, okay?” 

He didn’t answer but he heard the man move forward and then there was a hand on his own. He lifted his head a little bit to see Roosevelt work a needle into the handcuffs, moving it around back and forth. After a few minutes, there was a clicking sound and then he was free. He sat up and rubbed his sore hand, throwing a surprised glance at the man beside him.

The sheriff chuckled lightly and got up on his feet.

“Just a little skill I learned when I was still a rookie.”

He held out his hand but Chibs ignored it. He spat unto the ground next to him and got up on his feet on his own. He knew it made him look kind of childish but he didn’t care. Roosevelt still was the man who had ruined Juice’s life. 

There was no visible reaction on Roosevelt’s face at this very open rejection except for a tiny twitch in the corner of his mouth. “Come on, “he said quietly, motioning towards the house, “let’s get you inside, warm you up a little.” Chibs nodded slowly and they made their way to Juice’s house quietly.

When they stepped into the house, everything looked just like Chibs had left it ten minutes ago. Except for the pool of blood on the kitchen floor which was already beginning to dry. Chibs shuddered in sympathy when he thought of poor V-Lin being shot down in cold blood but he couldn’t help feeling thankful that it hadn’t been Juice.

Roosevelt waited in the living room while he took a look into the bedroom. There were no signs of any struggle whatsoever. The sheets lay on the bed in a crumpled mess but there was no blood, _thank God_. The windows were wide open and Chibs took a look outside. There were several different footsteps right beneath the window sill and it dawned on him that they had taken Juice through the window. They had to have parked their car right there behind the house, that’s why Chibs hadn’t seen them drive away earlier.

_God, I hope they haven’t hurt him. His fever has made him weak, so it must have been easy for them tae overpower him. Still, maybe he did struggle. He’s very sensitive right now, if they grabbed him with force he’s prone tae panic an’ hyperventilate. What if they hit him? What if he is lying in the trunk of their car right now, terribly frightened an’ lost?_  


Chibs gripped his fingers into the wall as anger and fear overwhelmed him both at once. He had let down Juice once again. He felt so stupid he felt inclined to jump out of the window right now to just punish himself. Which wouldn’t make any sense because he would only fall three feet which wouldn’t hurt at all.

_Stop it, Filip. Punishing yerself isn’t going to help Juice at all._ He nodded to himself and took a deep breath. He went into the living room and sat down on the couch opposite from Roosevelt in his armchair. After a few awkward silent minutes the sheriff rubbed his hands and looked expectantly at Chibs.

“So, Chibs. Could you please tell me what happened here?”

Chibs sighed. This felt like another unpleasant déjà vu, but there was nothing he could do, so he just told the man the short events of how the strange woman had tricked him out of the house, about the gunshot he had heard, as well as the sound of the car speeding away.

When he was finished, Roosevelt nodded and rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Looks like they planned on doing this all along, “he said. “They didn’t make any threats beforehand, didn’t demand anything?”

Chibs shook his head. “No.”

“That was the first time you saw this woman?”

“Aye.”

“Would you be able to give a detailed description of her appearance at the station later?”

“Aye, I would.”

“That’s good.” Roosevelt leaned forward, looking more serious now. “Chibs, I’m sorry this happened again. I really am, believe me. I don’t want that boy hurt, I hope you know that.” He winced when he saw the poisonous glare Chibs threw at him but he didn’t let himself be intimidated.

“Won’t you tell me why this man keeps going at you two? What is his motive?”

Chibs slumped his shoulders and buried his face in his hands for a few seconds. “Doesn’a matter, “he said quietly, “he hates me, tha’s all ye need tae know. He hates me an’ that’s why he took Juice. Again.”

Roosevelt gestured with his hand around impatiently. “Come on, you have to give me something more, you gotta…”

“I said no!” Chibs jumped to his feet and pointed towards the door. “Leave. Now.”

Roosevelt got up slowly and shook his head sadly. “Okay. But I expect you to come to the station tomorrow to give your report and the description of that woman. Will you come?”  


Chibs just nodded and Roosevelt left. When the door closed behind him the house was filled with eerie silence. Chibs sank back down unto the couch. For a few minutes he just sat there, staring ahead of him with dull, empty eyes. 

After a while he couldn’t take it anymore, couldn’t bear feeling so empty and sad anymore so he strode into the kitchen and rummaged the closets until he finally found what he was looking for: a bottle of Tequila. It was Juice’s favorite alcoholic beverage. He himself didn’t care for it very much but that didn’t matter right now, he just needed something strong and beggars can’t be choosers.

He didn’t bother with a glass and just drank straight from the bottle. After fifteen minutes he had managed to drain half the content and he was sprawled unto the kitchen floor, right next to V-Lin’s blood. His vision was starting to blur, his tongue lay heavy in his mouth. He knew he should drive to the hospital and make sure the prospect was alright but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He just wanted to lay here and lose himself. Forget that he had lost Juice again. Forget that he had failed him again. 

He took another mouthful of Tequila and winced at the bitter taste. _God, how can Juice love this disgusting excuse for a drink?_ He giggled helplessly and slid down until he lay on the kitchen floor. This didn’t feel good but he didn’t know what to do instead. He had lost Juice for good this time. McAllister wouldn’t be so stupid to take him somewhere near. They would be out of the country in no time, there was no way Chibs was ever going to find him. It was hopeless. Chibs giggled once again as he realized he would never see Juice again, then the giggling turned into sobbing and he pounded his fist into the floor in furious helplessness.

Suddenly, there were arms around him, stroking him, soothing him. He opened his eyes in drunken stupor and was surprised to see Gemma and Nero bending over him.

“What are you doin’ here?” he slurred, blinking in a weak attempt to get a clearer vision.

“Eli called me, “Gemma said softly as she pushed a strand of hair out of his eyes. “We came here as fast as we could.”

“Come on, ese, “Nero said kindly, “let’s get you up on your feet, okay?” He put his hands under Chibs’s arms and pulled him upwards. Chibs tried to push him away but Nero had no trouble holding him in his current state. He held him upright when Chibs stood on his shaky feet, swaying a little from side to side. 

“No, Gemma, please, “he groaned as the both of them took either of his arms and pushed him forward, to the bedroom. “What are ye doin’?”

“You need to get some rest, darling, “Gemma announced firmly as she pushed him down onto Juice’s bed. He tried to resist but Nero held him down and Gemma disappeared but came back with a glass of water and two pills in her hand.

“Here, take these, sweetie, “she cooed and she pushed the pills into his mouth when he opened it to protest. He began to cough and she quickly pushed the glass of water into his hand. Accepting his defeat he downed the pills with the water and then lay down under the sheets under Nero’s stern glance.

“Gemma, they took him. They took Juice, “he whispered sadly. 

She stroked his head tenderly and he could see his own sadness reflected in her eyes. “I know, baby, I know. Let’s talk about it tomorrow, okay?” And she pushed his head back onto the pillow.

Suddenly he felt very tired. _What did she just give to me? Fuck! Feel so … sleepy …_

The sleeping pills took their effect quickly and Chibs fell into a deep, deep slumber. He didn’t hear Gemma and Nero leaving the room quietly, closing the door behind them.

***

The first thing he became aware of when he woke up was an all too familiar smell. He opened his eyes and realized his head was resting on a pillow – which totally smelled like Juice, and the blanket wrapped around his shoulders smelled like him, too. It was almost too much. A sudden pain hit him in the chest when his mind brought him back to the times when he and Juice had been able to lay in bed cuddled against each other, each inhaling the scent of the other hungrily as if it was a drug. Even when Juice had left the bed to take a shower or prepare them some breakfast Chibs had loved to linger in bed for a while to remain in that soft sheets which smelled like musk and salt and coconut, in other words, just like Juice. 

That scent used to drive him crazy and lying in Juice’s bed now, surrounded by that way too familiar smell, drove him crazy once again. But not in a good way. It hurt, knowing that Juice should be the one lying in that bed but wasn’t. It was as if fate wanted to tease Chibs with the addicting scent of his lover, show him what he could have had if he had been more careful. But he hadn’t been watchful enough, and now Juice was gone once again, leaving Chibs behind with much too hurtful memories. 

He scrambled out of the bed quickly as if he had been stung by a bee. If he hadn’t been so out of it yesterday, he wouldn’t have allowed them to put him into Juice’s bed. He knew they had meant well, that they had thought he’d be much more comfortable in the bed than on the couch. But he felt guilty and hurt waking up in it, so he quickly made his way out of the bedroom to look for the others.

Gemma stood in front of the stove, preparing eggs and bacon. Nero sat in one of the kitchen stairs, watching her tenderly. When he entered they both turned their heads in his direction and Gemma smiled broadly, if maybe a little forced.

“Morning, honey. Did you sleep well?”

He mumbled something incoherently and strode up to her to kiss her briefly on the cheek. When he turned away, she reached out a hand and cupped his face carefully.

“Sweetie. Everything okay?”

He laid his hand over hers and looked into her eyes firmly for a moment. “Aye, Gemma. Everythin’s fine. Except for the fact tha’ Juice’s been kidnapped again, thanks tae me.”

“Don’t, baby, “she said sharply, grabbing his hand, “don’t say that. You were protecting him for weeks, you practically never left his side. It’s not your fault!”

He freed his hand from hers and stepped away from her. “Aye. If ye say so.” 

He knew he sounded bitter and he knew was being childish but he didn’t care and he was too tired to fight. In his eyes, it was very much his fault Juice was gone now, taken away by the hands of one cruel, merciless sociopath and he was the one should have prevented it. It had been his duty. He had owed it to Juice, he had promised him - and now he had let him down again. _God, can ye please stop yer self-pityin? It’s disgusting!_

He swallowed down heavily and sat down next to Nero. Gemma apparently realized it was no good talking to him when he was in this mood so she said nothing more. She scooped some eggs and bacon on his plate and he ate a little. After three bites he decided he wasn’t all that hungry. 

“M gonna head to the station. Sheriff wants my statement, “he informed then when he stood up.

“Do you want us to come with you?” Gemma asked immediately but he shook his head. “No. Better go visit V-Lin at the hospital, see how he’s doin’. I’ll call ye later, okay?”

She nodded and they looked after him thoughtfully as he put on his riding gloves. He felt a little filthy and knew he should shower first. But he didn’t want to lose any time, he wanted to get that trip to the station behind him as fast as possible so he could go searching for Juice right after.

So he went to the station and gave his statement. He simply repeated everything he had told Roosevelt yesterday, it wasn’t as if giving them additional background information on his and McAllister’s history would help them with the case so he spared himself the effort. Afterwards, he gave them a description of the woman from yesterday, as far as he could remember her. Again, he didn’t believe the police would be of any help so that was that. 

Even though he meant to make it a quick affair he got stuck for three whole hours. When he finally stepped out of the police station, it was 2 pm. He called Gemma to ask how V-Lin was doing and she told him V-Lin was stable although he would need lots of physical therapy. He would live. _Thank God._ It would have been terrible if he had that boy’s death on his conscience, too. It was already bad enough, it was his fault the prospect was in the hospital with a bullet in his shoulder. God, he was so selfish, only thinking of his own conscience. He shook his head as if that would make his selfish thoughts go away and flinched when the phone he had just wanted to tuck away rang in his hand.

It was Jax. “Brother, we’re back. Meet us at TM, alright?” 

So he rode back to TM as quick as he could. When he parked his Dyna in his usual spot, his brothers’ bikes already were there so he quickly made his way into the clubhouse. They were all there waiting for him and they greeted him somewhat subdued. Jax laid an arm around his shoulder and pulled him into a corner.

“We already heard, “he said quietly, turning towards Chibs. “I’m so sorry, brother.”

Chibs’s jaw tensed as he tried to think of an appropriate answer to that. He ran a shaking hand through his messy hair and shook his head.  


“Aye. I’m sorry, too, “he said at last.

Jax grabbed both his shoulders and forced Chibs to look at him, his eyes ablaze with worry. “Don’t you work yourself up about this, Chibs! I mean it, it’s not your fault, so don’t give me that look!” He shook him a little when Chibs did nothing but hang his head in a disheartened fashion. “Snap out of it, okay? Instead of moping around we should try to find our brother! You with me?”

Chibs lifted his head and gazed into Jax’s firm, blue eyes. There was determination there and hope and suddenly he felt a little better than before. Jax saw his hesitant compliance and nodded in relief. “That’s more like it! Come on, let’s discuss it with the others.”

Jax called in church and they had a quick discussion about how they were going to operate. They decided to search every strip of land in Charming and vicinity. They would take pictures of Juice and McAllister with them and ask around if anyone had seen him. It was very improbable that they would come up with anything and every one of them knew that, Chibs saw it in their faces. But they were a Club and they owed it to a brother to at least try and find him. 

He allowed himself a glimmer of hope. McAllister had been stupid enough before to stay nearby so that it had been possible for the Sons to find and rescue them. Apparently he was a man driven by emotions, at least when it came to detested enemies like Chibs. That tiny fact made Chibs hope when he rode off TM’s parking lot to begin his search.

***

Eight hours later and they had come up with empty hands. Chibs tried not to feel too disappointed. Of course they hadn’t found anything yet, that would have been much too easy and too quick. He must have been really crazy to think they would find Juice after just one day. Still, he felt ready to throw up when Jax called him, saying the search was off for today. 

He understood. It was dark already, everyone was tired, there was no sense in keeping everybody from a well deserved rest. He considered keeping on searching by himself for just a few more hours, but apparently Jax had foreseen the possibility of this idea entering his head because suddenly Tig appeared at his side on the parking lot of one of Lodi’s night bars. 

“What are ye doin’ here?” he asked his friend surprised as Tig dragged him to his bike with gentle force.

“Taking you home, man. You need to get some rest.”

“But …”

“No buts, brother “Tig cut in sharply. “Come on.”

Chibs sighed and put on his helmet. Count on Jax to mother-hen him even from afar. They got on their bikes wordlessly and drove all the way back to Chibs’s house. Chibs got off his Dyna and took off his helmet. Tig observed him quietly and for once, he didn’t goof around to brighten Chibs’s mood, as he had expected him to. Instead, he gently patted his friend’s shoulder, his hand lingering there a little uncertainly.

“You okay here for the night?” he asked quietly. “Do you want me to stay? I could sleep on the couch if you don’t wanna be alone right now …”

Chibs smiled at him warmly. It was really unusual of manly macho Tig to offer such a thing and he really appreciated it. But for now, he needed to be alone. 

“Thanks, Tiggie, “he said, “but I can manage. I’ll meet ye tomorrow morning at the clubhouse, alright?” He patted Tig’s hand on his shoulder and Tig nodded, although he cast a worried, suspicious glance in Chibs’s direction.

“Okay. Goodnight, Chibbie.”

“Goodnight, Tig.”

Chibs turned and walked the few steps to his front door. He opened them with his keys and stepped inside. He heard the roaring engine of Tig’s bike as he sped away and he closed the door behind him. It was a long time since he actually had been in his own house and it kind of felt strange. It didn’t feel right. But then again, no place on earth wouldn’t feel right just now, because Juice wasn’t there with him.

He sighed and walked to the fridge without any real reason. He found nothing interesting in there, just a few beers and some long forgotten piece of cheese. He didn’t feel like drinking right now so he just went right into the bathroom to take a quick shower and to brush his teeth.

The hot water felt really good. As soon as the warm spray rained down on his cold, weary body he could feel it soothe his aching muscles. He allowed himself to relax for a few minutes, engulfed in a steaming, pleasant feeling of cleanliness when it hit him out of nowhere. How could he just stand here, enjoying a hot shower like everything was normal when in reality Juice was alone and helpless and probably hurting? 

He cursed himself and immediately turned the shower to the right as far as it would go. The steaming water turned icy cold within seconds and he suppressed a low cry as his body protested against the uncomfortable feeling. But then, he deserved the punishment. He remained under the cold shower for ten minutes until he couldn’t bear it any longer and got out, his whole body shivering. He wrapped himself in a huge towel and started towards the bedroom. He just felt dog tired right now and wanted to fall onto his bed and sleep. 

He was tired of feeling guilty but at the same time he hated himself for feeling tired because of that. He missed Juice like crazy and he tried to shut down any thoughts of what they could be doing to him just now. He told himself that he would go insane if he thought about that too much and that wouldn’t help Juice one bit. So he tried to fill his mind with different images, tried to think of Kerrianne and Fiona because thinking of them usually brightened him up. It didn’t work this time.

He walked into his bedroom and switched on the light. He went to his dresser and grabbed some boxers and a shirt to sleep in. He dried himself with the towel then quickly slipped into his clothes. 

When he finally turned towards the bed, he froze in his tracks, shocked. Right there, sitting on a chair next to his bed, sat a strange man, grinning at him maliciously. 

“Well, look who finally decided tae show up. Good evening, Telford, nice tae see ye again.”


	33. Enough

Chibs came to his senses one moment later and he started to move back to the bathroom where he had left his cut and his gun but he stopped mid-movement when he heard the familiar click of a gun.

“Nuh-uh, Telford. Stay where you are. Hands up.” The man’s voice was calm and menacing and Chibs suddenly thought he had heard that voice before. He turned around slowly to look at the man who was now pointing a gun at him. That suit … those sunglasses. Then it hit him.

“Ye’re the guy who abducted us, “he stated calmly.

The guy got off the chair and smiled admiringly. “Good memory, Telford. I’m impressed. The name’s Gus by the way.” He closed the distance between them until he stood right in front of Chibs.

“Ye’re here tae kill me?”Chibs asked casually and he tried hard not to swallow heavily which would definitely betray his calm demeanor.

The man’s grin widened even further. “Nah, Telford. Ye’re lucky. My boss has decided he wants tae see ye again. Have a little reunion party.”

Chibs said nothing and he was glad he didn’t flinch when the other man slowly brushed the barrel of his gun against Chibs’s cheek. He forced himself to look the man in the eye to show him he wasn’t afraid and the man raised an eyebrow and let out a small soft laugh.

“Back with that arrogant attitude again, are we? I really thought ye knew better.”

Chibs’s breath quickened as the gun was pushed harder into his flesh until it really hurt. This guy named Gus obviously seemed to enjoy the power his weapon gave him and he hungrily observed Chibs’s eyes as if waiting for a flash of fear as he let the gun slide down lower until he had it pressed under his chin, forcing his head upwards. Chibs just stared back, anger and frustration now flashing in his eyes instead of the desired fear.

After a few dreadfully long minutes the man lowered his gun and shook his head as if he was deeply disappointed by Chibs’s performance.

“Ts, ts, Telford. I really advise ye tae accept the position ye’re in and act a lot more humble. Ye’ll live longer that way.”

Chibs massaged his jaw and ignored the man. “What have ye done tae him?”

“Ye mean tha’ wee sweet piece of ass we picked up last night?” The man winked at Chibs conspirationally. “Boy, wouldn’t ye like tae know, huh?”

Chibs’s hands clenched into angry fists at his side but he didn’t say anything. Obviously they had plans for him and he wasn’t in any position to defend himself – not yet anyway. Besides, he wanted them to take him to Juice, then he would take a look what he could do about rescuing them.

“Not very talkative, are ye?” Gus remarked after studying his face for some time. “Alright, come on now, gotta get goin’, my boss is not the most patient guy, ye know.”  


Chibs spread out his hands in frustrated annoyance. “Can I at least put on some clothes?” 

Gus chuckled, considered his request for a few seconds and then nodded generously. “Alright, but hurry.”

Chibs turned and pulled a fresh pair of jeans and a black longsleeve out of his dresser. He dressed himself quickly under the amused gaze of the man across from him, still pointing the gun at him carefully. When he was finished Gus briefly checked his pockets for a secret hidden weapon and when he found nothing, pointed quietly towards the door to indicate they were leaving.

After walking down the street for a few minutes Gus looked left and right and pulled him into a dark alley. There was a car parked there, waiting for them. Before they got in, his abductor pulled out a pair of handcuffs and a black scarf.

He cocked an eyebrow at Chibs who simply nodded and held out his hands. Gus applied the handcuffs and then put the scarf around his head, rendering him completely blind. Chibs tried not to instinctively hit the guy as he felt rough hands on his shoulders, coaxing him onto the passenger’s seat of the car. The door on his side was closed shut and after a few seconds, he heard the man enter the driver’s side and start the car. They drove in silence and Chibs tried to tell himself to stay calm.

_Ye’re gonna see Juice again! If they’re gettin’ ye, too, he cannot be dead. McAllister’s sure planning to pick up where we left in the basement, he wasn’t finished with us. He knows Juice is yer weak spot, so Juice will be okay!_

This was what he tried to tell himself over and over but there was a nagging voice in the back of his head which he tried in vain to blend out. _Juice won’t be hurt – yet. That psychopath wants ye tae watch when he hurts him. So as soon as ye get there, the torture will start again. They will hurt him again, make him bleed, make him cry in pain and fear. Unless ye do something about it._

So he decided to pay attention to every single detail he was going to see. He would find a way out of this for Juice and him. This was an unexpected chance for him to make it up to Juice: he had let him down again but maybe he could make amends for it somehow. If not, it didn’t matter, because that would mean they both would be dead, sooner or later.  


After only a twenty minute ride, the car suddenly stopped and Chibs was hauled out off the car and dragged along until he heard the sound of keys rattling and a door opening. As he was being pushed into the building he couldn’t see his heart leaped in hopeful surprise. He had expected for them to ride for the whole night, to be hauled into a plane to fly somewhere far away but apparently McAllister had decided to stay near, as incredible as that was. This was very good news.

The hand pulled away from his shoulder to the back of his head, fumbling at his blindfold to take it off. When it was gone Chibs had to close his eyes shut again for a few seconds, they hurt as he tried to adjust to the bright light. He looked around and found himself in a huge corridor with high ceilings. He was standing on a large, red ornamented carpet, there were expensive-looking paintings on the wall, it seemed as if everything in this house was expensive. He turned back to Gus standing in front of him.

“Ready, Telford? The boss is waitin’ for ye, so come on, “he sneered and he grabbed Chibs by the collar and hustled him into the room in front of them.

“Filip! How nice of ye tae finally join us! I was startin’ tae feel bored.” 

Chibs shivered inwardly as he gazed at the scene in front of them but he tried to maintain his calm appearance. He was standing in some kind of bedroom and right in front of him was a large old-fashioned king sized bed. On that large bed’s covers, his upper body resting casually against the bedhead, sat John McAllister. 

He was dressed in a neat-looking grey suit and he held a big glass of red wine in his hand. But Chibs’s eyes automatically fell to where McAllister’s other hand was: he was stroking Juice’s cheek tenderly, Juice himself was lying on the covers of the bed on his side, his head resting on McAllister’s lap, his eyes closed. He seemed to be sleeping because his chest rose up and down in regular intervals but there was a cut on the back of his head that hadn’t been there before. Juice looked pale and sick and Chibs once again felt heat rising within his chest. All the pain and fear and hatred from the last time they had been in his enemy’s clutches came back all at once at the sight of his detested adversary looming predatorily over Juice like he was going to eat him alive.

McAllister chuckled as he curiously inspected Chibs’s face, no doubt searching for an emotional reaction to his blunt provocation. Chibs’s mouth tightened into a thin line as he forced himself to remain calm, to show no weakness. 

“What’s up, Filip? Ye’re not happy tae see me again?” he sneered. “Ohhh, tha’ hurts me really bad, I thought we were friends!”

Chibs just blinked but couldn’t suppress a low growl when McAllister bent downwards and tenderly pressed a soft kiss on the top of Juice’s head.

“What’s wrong, Filip?” he heard McAllister chuckle quietly, “I missed my baby boy so much, it’s only right I can finally kiss him again. They had no right tae take him from me. They had no right tae take you from me. Ye see, I wasn’t finished playing my little game with ye when we were so rudely interrupted. So I decided we had to finish this game. I hope ye’re agreeing with me, Filip?”

Chibs just snorted in open contempt. “Ye abducted us … again. Ye really think I would agree tae tha’?”

McAllister laid his hand on his chest where his heart was and his face contorted into a mock hurt expression. “Oh, Filip, don’t say tha’! We’ve had such a good time at my place. Don’t ye think? I so enjoyed playin’ with ye, ye were so easy tae play with. And ye’re lover here …” he looked down at Juice in his lap and cupped his jaw in his hand possessively, “he jist tasted so good, I had tae have more of him.”

“What did ye do tae him, “Chibs asked hoarsely.

“Oh, nothing really, “his enemy replied smugly as he put his wine glass on the nightstand next to the bed. “I took pity on him, he has a fever and I’m not in the mood tae get sick. So I jist left him here in the room all day by himself, let him have a little time for himself. But when we told him we were goin’ tae get ye, too, he freaked out on us so we had tae take him out, couldn’t have him screaming. I have sensitive ears, ye know.”

McAllister wrapped his arms around Juice and propped him into a sitting position. “But I think it’s time tae wake him up, don’t ye think? Get that party started. It’s been so boring these past few weeks, just sittin’ around, watching you guys hang around, all lovey-dovey … man, I need tae get some action.” 

He gently patted Juice’s cheek. “Ey, cutie pie, wake up for me, would ye?” Juice’s head lolled to the side, but he didn’t wake up, so McAllister slapped him a little harder. When he still didn’t wake after a few slaps, McAllister sighed and rolled his eyes in mock exasperation at Chibs. “My, he’s a sleepy one.” And he viciously backhanded Juice, the slap when his hand touched Juice’s face so loud that Chibs unconsciously flinched. Juice’s eyes flew open in a startled response to the sudden pain in his cheeks and he started to struggle immediately but McAllister had a dead grip on him so he couldn’t go anywhere.

“Juice!”

Juice’s eyes opened wide when he saw Chibs staring at him from across the room and he immediately renewed his attempt to get away from McAllister who briskly got behind him and held him from behind with his arms forced behind his back. Juice’s face cringed with pain but he still looked at Chibs in desperate confusion.

“Chibs, no! You cannot be here!”

“Juice, “Chibs panted, his voice shaking because it hurt to see Juice upset like that, “it’s fine, don’t ye worry. Stop struggling please, or they’ll hurt ye.” He made a step forward but was hustled back roughly by Gus at his side. 

“No, Chibs, no, I cannot do this again, “Juice sobbed as he continued to struggle in McAllister’s arms. “No, I can’t, I … please!” His breath hitched and the tears flowed down his face. Chibs saw McAllister shake his head impatiently behind Juice, take a gun out of his pocket and hold it against the back of Juice’s head.

“Hold still now, boy or ye’re dead. Or yer lover’s dead, we’ll see. But stop moving NOW!”

Juice closed his eyes as if he told himself to calm down and then went limp in his tormentor’s arms. McAllister grinned and leaned forward, kissing Juice’s neck from behind. “See? That wasn’ae so hard, baby. Ye need tae learn tae obey, I thought we’d already go through tha’.” 

He continued to plant soft little kisses on Juice’s neck and shoulder while still pressing the gun against his head. Anxiety clutched Chibs’s heart and squeezed tightly as he watched his enemy work his way upwards until he was kissing his jaw. Juice’s eyes were closed again and his breath was increasing with every second. Chibs could see his body trembling with terror and he had to close his own eyes for a moment. It was just too brutal to see Juice in such a position again, so helpless and terrified and himself being forced to watch him like that. It was madness and torture all over again.

McAllister pressed another tiny kiss against Juice’s jaw and threw a malicious, triumphant smile in Chibs’s direction. Chibs knew his enemy got off on him watching him like that and he wished he could just turn his head and not look, just to spite him. But they would force him to look, he had learned that from last time so he didn’t bother.

“Look at me, baby, “McAllister growled huskily. Juice shook his head as silent tears rolled down his cheeks but McAllister grabbed his chin and forced his head to the side so his face was just inches away from his own. “Did ye miss me, baby?” he asked softly. “Because I missed ye. Missed ye so much, yer beautiful big eyes, yer velvet brown skin, yer sweet soft lips…” 

Juice’s body shook heavily with frightened tremors as McAllister leaned forward and kissed Juice on the lips, holding him in position by the jaw. Juice made a low whimpering noise that went straight to Chibs’s heart and it hurt so bad he just wanted to scream.

So he screamed. “No! John, don’t do this! Not again! Please, jist let us be!”

McAllister broke the kiss and turned his head towards Chibs slowly, licked his lips provokingly. “Ahh, but Filip, ye know I can’t do tha’. It’s jist too much fun playing with the two of you. We’re done when I say we’re done.” 

He nodded at Gus next to Chibs who immediately held his gun against Chibs’s head. “One more word and ye’ll get a taste of Gus’s gun here, understood?” Chibs didn’t reply but almost bit his tongue off, he was so furious.

“Take it easy and jist enjoy the show, Filip.” McAllister winked at him, then turned towards a trembling Juice again and reached out to stroke his face lovingly. “Shhh, baby, calm down. We’ve done this before so why are ye so scared? I’ve always been good tae ye, haven’t I?”

He grabbed Juice by the shoulders and pulled him into a tight embrace. Juice cried as the huge man almost choked him while stroking his back roughly. He was so small next to the enormous, broad McAllister, he almost vanished in his huge arms. 

“Shhh, baby, breathe, jist breathe, “McAllister growled into his neck, “I know ye’re still sick so I forgive ye for making me feel as if you didn’t want me. I’ve changed my mind, ye know. I need tae have ye, fever or no. But ye’ll have tae give me what I need, baby. I needed ye so bad and ye weren’t here tae satisfy me. I’m so hungry and only you can still my appetite …” 

He pressed Juice down onto his back until he lay across the bed so that Chibs could see everything perfectly. McAllister leaned down and kissed Juice on the lips again. Juice turned his head away, his breath hitching worse than before but McAllister grabbed his chin and forced him to look at him again. “Don’t! Jist don’t or do ye want me tae hurt ye? I don’t wanna hurt ye, baby, but I will, if ye force me.” 

Juice closed his eyes and nodded slowly, his body going limp under McAllister’s. McAllister grinned and lunged forward until his lips were against Juice’s again. “Open yer mouth, baby, “he whispered menacingly and Juice did. McAllister forced another kiss on him but this time he used his tongue, too. He licked into Juice’s mouth, he bit into his bottom lip, he held him firmly by the jaw so that Juice couldn’t escape again. Juice endured all this with very obvious discomfort, moaning in agony softly time and time again, his fingers clutching into the covers of the bed wildly, as if he was trying to melt into them, away from his tormentor. 

McAllister broke the kiss and tenderly stroked Juice’s face. “Taste so good, baby, “he panted and Chibs felt ready to throw up when he saw the bulge in his enemy’s pants, pressing against the fabric impatiently. McAllister groaned a lustful groan and reached out to pull down the zipper of Juice’s pants. Juice flinched and the panic in his eyes became even more obvious but he didn’t pull away. He only closed his eyes when his pants were pushed down, a shaky whimper escaping his lips.

“I like it when ye make tha’ sound, baby, “McAllister purred, “ye sound so eager for my cock to fill yer ass. Ye want my cock in yer ass, baby?” And he slid his arms around Juice’s waist and pressed his hands around Juice’s butt, squeezing firmly. Juice went even paler than before but said nothing.

McAllister rolled his eyes impatiently and backhanded Juice casually once more. “Answer when I’m talking tae ye, boy! Don’t ye have any manners?”

Before Juice could answer that question, McAllister roughly manhandled him around and forward onto his stomach. “Quiet now, boy! Let’s stop the stupid foreplay and get on with it, shall we?”

Juice whimpered into the bed’s covers as McAllister leaned forward to grope his ass, now only protected by his white briefs, eagerly. “I’ll make it good for ye, baby, I promise, “he said huskily, “m gonna make ye scream so good.” And he let go of Juice’s ass to fumble at the bottoms of his own pants, his breath heavy with lust and anticipation.

And just like that, Chibs couldn’t take it anymore. His mind screamed in rage and frustration as his eyes observed the horrible scene in front of him and something within him snapped. It was enough.

Before he realized what he was doing, he jerked his right elbow out, punching Gus in his jaw sideways. The man howled in pain and crumpled to his knees. Before he could come to his wits again, Chibs ripped his gun out of his hands and struck him on the head with it. Gus’s eyes closed shut and with a soft thump, he fell to the floor, unconscious. 

It all had happened within seconds and when Chibs pointed the gun at McAllister, he felt adrenaline kicking through his body when he saw the brief flash of fear in his enemy’s eyes. He was frozen in his movements and suddenly, a tense silence spread out through the room. Chibs stepped forward but he very carefully kept the gun pointed at McAllister. Very slowly, McAllister raised his hands and he looked at Chibs with a calm, serious expression but his eyes were ablaze with hardly concealed anxiety .  


“Calm, Filip. Stay calm. We can talk about this.”

Chibs’s eyes flickered towards Juice lying in front of McAllister. He was looking at Chibs and his eyes were wide open with panic. Chibs forced himself to concentrate on McAllister again and he shook his head.

“No. Nothing tae talk about, “he said calmly.

McAllister’s eyes grew wide when he realized that Chibs wouldn’t let him go and suddenly, his calm demeanor was gone. He shook his head frantically and slid forward on his knees, his face crumbling into an expression of pathetic supplication.

“No, Filip, please, I didn’t mean it! I didn’t mean to hurt ye, it was all jist a game, please, please don’t hurt me, I promise I will …”

An ear-battering shot rang through the room.

Then there was only silence. 

Chibs blinked in surprise as he watched McAllister clutch his stomach where a large red spot had formed, staring at him with wide eyes and his mouth opening and closing without any words coming out of it. Then a small trickle of blood ran down his chin, he closed his eyes and fell sideways onto the covers of the bed.

Chibs couldn’t move. His brain tried to process what he had just done but he was having a little trouble and time seemed to slow down as he tried to _think, think, think. Ye’ve shot him. He’s dead. Ye killed him, my God, he’s dead and this is all over!_ He was still unable to move when he suddenly became aware of a low voice calling out his name over and over again.

“Chibs! Chibs? What’s going on? Chibs!”

He blinked again and then time returned to its normal pace. He looked up and saw Juice sitting on top of the covers, staring at him in terror and confusion. He was trying to zip up the fly of his pants but his hands were shaking so badly that he failed.

Chibs shook his head to pull himself back into reality once and for all and hurried towards the bed to Juice. Leaning forward, he pulled Juice into a quick but much-needed embrace.

“You okay?” he asked with a shaking voice.

Juice tried to look up to him which was difficult when Chibs was pressing him against his chest so tightly. “Yeah, Chibs, I-I’m okay. Are you?”

“Aye, love, “Chibs replied softly. He broke the embrace and leaned downwards to zip up Juice’s pants. “Come on, let’s leave.” 

Juice nodded vehemently and together they stood up, not looking back at the corpse of McAllister behind them. Chibs shoved his arm under Juice’s as the boy seemed to have trouble walking upright. A glowing heat radiated off his body, the stress seemed to have made his fever worse and Chibs’s concern grew. He had to get Juice into medical care, as fast as possible. 

They made their way do the door when Chibs suddenly remembered Gus. He hated having to kill another time but he couldn’t take any chances. He wasn’t keen on being captured or threatened or whatever again so he had to take this guy out, it was the only safe thing to do.

“Wait here, Juicy, “he said quietly and he stepped towards the guy lying on the floor, still out as a light. He knelt down and pressed his gun against the man’s head. He closed his eyes, counted to ten and then pulled the trigger. _God, hate doing this. But now it’s really over_.

He stood up and looked at the corpse in front of him. Dead empty eyes were now staring up at him and a shiver ran through his body. He shoved the gun into the back pocket of his pants, making a small note in his head to get rid of it later. He turned around to Juice and saw his boy looking at him, his eyes still shining with fear and exhaustion but there was also understanding and love there and he felt a warm feeling invade his stomach. They would be okay now. They had went through so much but now it was over and he knew he should be feeling overwhelmed with joy but his brain was still trying to process with everything what had happened and he just wanted to go home with Juice, tuck them both under their covers and sleep for days. 

He started to walk towards Juice when he suddenly heard a shuffling noise behind him, so he turned around. 

And nearly died of a heart attack. 

Crouching forward on the bed, still clutching his stomach with his left hand, was McAllister, his face contorted into a bizarre mask of pain and rage. But in his other hand he held a gun and he was pointing it at Juice, Chibs realized with a sickening punch into his heart. _No!!_

Time slowed down again. He saw his enemy grin a malicious grin, saw his finger on the trigger pulling backwards and then he was flying through the air towards Juice. His body collided with Juice’s, crushing it down to the floor and he heard Juice’s shocked gasp but he also heard a loud bang and then suddenly, there was a breathtaking pain in his back. An absolutely terrible pain, the worst physical pain he had ever felt and it was starting to spread through his whole body. He couldn’t breathe but he couldn’t really move either. His body felt like it weighed a thousand tons. He felt cold, too.

He heard Juice’s voice near him, high and shaky with shock. “Chibs! Chibs! Stay with me, baby, please! No, open your eyes, Chibs! Chiiiibs!!” 

His body shook when he felt arms on his shoulders, shaking him frantically, but it didn’t matter anymore. He felt his mind slipping away. He was tired, dog tired actually and he just wanted to sleep a little. The pain suddenly didn’t feel so bad anymore and he felt darkness blurring the edges of his vision.

“J-Juice, “he whispered, because he suddenly thought he wished Juice was there with him in the comfortable, calm darkness. But then his eyes closed of their own and his last thought was that hopefully Juice would stay nearby so he could see him again soon when the darkness finally engulfed him completely.


	34. Best Night of Our Lives

_He was falling. Falling, falling, falling down, for an eternity, it seemed. Everything was dark around him and it felt like he was asleep but at the same time he felt wide awake. He kept falling into a black, whirling pit of nothingness and he was terrified but at the same time he felt happy, almost blissful. There was piece within him. There was calm silence which made him feel safe. After a while, his fear disappeared completely. He was falling but it seemed to be the right thing to do. This was right for him. He closed his eyes and allowed his body to relax, to enjoy the unusual but exciting feeling of gravity taking him. Whiteness appeared before his eyes, in his peripheral vision and he welcomed it with relish. It felt warm and nice and right. He wanted to melt into it completely. It began to suck into his skin and the warm feeling intensified. His muscles went limp completely and suddenly he felt very tired. He wanted to close his eyes and sleep forever. It just felt so good …_

“His heart’s stopped! Quickly, the defibrillator! Ready? One, two, three ….” 

_Suddenly, the whiteness was gone and he felt cold and abandoned. He looked downwards and saw he was falling down towards a ground that hadn’t been there before. No! He was falling so quickly, he would break his body completely, no way he could survive this! He screamed but there was nothing he could do to avoid collision with the ground. So he hit the ground. And it hurt. It hurt badly._

“Once again, guys! One, two, three …”

_Pain. So much pain. His lungs screamed for air, his body ached with an unbearable pain. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t see. So much pain. Too much._

_He lay curled into a ball on the dark, hard ground and there were so many voices around him, drowning him, smothering him. He wanted to tell them to stop, to be quiet for God’s sake, but his mouth seemed unable to form any words, his lung unable to give him enough breath to speak. So he just gave up. Lay his head on the ground and closed his eyes. Weary. So weary. Need sleep._

“Okay, we got a heartbeat! Good work, everyone …”

***

Chibs’s eyes fluttered open and the first thing he saw was the white ceiling above him. He closed his eyes again for a few seconds because his head spun and he felt weak and nauseous. As soon as he closed his eyes he felt ready to sleep again. He felt like he hadn’t slept in years. But that couldn’t be right, he knew he must have slept at least for some time. He couldn’t remember anything.

_Okay, Filip. Concentrate. Ye have tae think. Come on._

He opened his eyes again and tentatively looked around, trying to assess where he was and why. After a few minutes he figured out he was lying in a bed and obviously this was a hospital. The irritating beeping noises coming from some machines next to his bed he almost immediately recognized somehow. After a little while more he realized there was something covering his mouth and nose – a respirator, apparently.

_Huh. What’s goin’ on? Why am I in a hospital?_

He racked his brain for an answer but came up with nothing. He remembered he had been driving around Charming on his bike. He had been searching for something. No, he had been searching for someone. And then it hit him.

_Juice!!!_

It all came back to him in a flash. Juice had been kidnapped by McAllister again! They had taken him, too, they had taken him back to some house and McAllister had been there with Juice in his arms. McAllister had teased him, provoked him, touching Juice and he hadn’t been able to do anything against it. He had watched helplessly as his enemy had once again violated his boy’s body, had kissed him, had groped him, had opened his pants and then …

_… I shot him. I shot McAllister. He’s dead. But that’s not right. I only thought he was dead but he wasn’t. Because I saw him, trying to shoot Juice. He wanted to kill him. Oh God, where’s Juice?! Where is he?!_

“Juice! Juice!!” 

His voice was raspy, it hurt to talk and it was difficult with that thing over his mouth but he didn’t care. He wanted to know where Juice was, if he was okay and he wanted to know now! He struggled to sit although his body screamed in protest at the sudden physical effort and he began to fumble at the mask on his mouth to get it off. After a few minutes, he succeeded and he threw the mask to the side, opening his mouth wide, welcoming the air inside his lungs eagerly because it felt really good. But then he remembered.

“Juice!” he cried out, still a little weakly. “Juice!”

“Chibs?” he heard a familiar voice say nearby. “God, Chibs, finally!”

Suddenly, there were warm hands on his arm, squeezing a little too firmly and he winced a little.

“Sorry, man! I’m just so glad to see you awake!”

Chibs shook his head impatiently and struggled some more when he found there were tubes in his arms and he just wanted to get rid of them so he could go find Juice. He began to rip at them but the two hands from before closed around his in strong grips, commanding him to stay still.

“No, Chibs, stop that! What are you doing?”

“Lemme go, I have tae find Juice! Where is he, goddamit, where’s Juice?” His breath hitched and he felt a little nauseous when light dizziness swept over him unexpectedly. The grip on his hands tightened and the voice he knew spoke out to him again.

“Calm down, Chibs! It’s okay, everything’s okay! Look at me, look at me!”

The hands on his own pulled him towards the voice, so he turned his head and looked at the person bending down to him. He recognized the face before him immediately and it gave him comfort at once, to know there was another person here with him he knew and loved.

“Jackie, “he murmured hoarsely, still out of breath. “Wha’s goin’ on?”

Jax let go of his hands when he was sure Chibs wouldn’t rip at the tubes anymore and took his face in his hands instead. “Calm down, brother, please, “he urged. Blue eyes pierced into dark brown ones imploringly and after a few silent seconds Chibs took a deep breath to finally obey his friend.

“Juice, where’s Juice, “Chibs uttered entreatingly, “please Jax, please tell me!”

Jax sighed and let go of his head. “You wake up out of a coma and that’s the first thing you wanna know? You’re really something, you know that?”

“So?” Chibs’s voice got louder again and Jax held up his arms soothingly at once, his eyes wide with concern.

“Okay, okay, he’s right there, alright, calm down!” He pointed towards the far end of the room and Chibs had to sit up more to be able to look that far.

And there he was. Curled into a ball, his feet not touching the ground, Juice lay in a simple armchair. His head was resting against the chair’s armrest on his arms, his chest was rising up and down slowly and he truly looked like a small boy in that huge armchair. He seemed to be deeply asleep and he seemed to need it because he looked downright exhausted. There were dark circles under his eyes and his skin was a palish gray. But except for the exhaustion he seemed to be okay. Juice was okay.

_Thank God._

Chibs closed his eyes in grateful relief. Now that he knew Juice was near and okay he could breathe easily again and he felt as if a heavy weight had been lifted of his shoulders. Apparently everything had gone well. He had shot McAllister, but his enemy had failed to shoot Juice. 

“Please, Jackie, “he said quietly, “please tell me everything that happened.”

Jax nodded and pulled up a chair to the bed, sitting down into it. “Okay, “he said slowly, “I’ll tell you. But then I’ll call the nurse so she can take a look at you. Okay?”

Chibs nodded and Jax began. “Well, it seems you saved Juice’s life. He told us you were both in this room with McAllister and some other guy and that he … well, he threatened Juice or something, he wouldn’t go into details and that you somehow managed to shoot them both. But when you tried to leave, McAllister pointed a gun at Juice and you flung yourself at him to catch the bullet in his place.”

_Ah, yes._ That had really happened. He remembered now: the evil glimmer in McAllister’s eyes when he pointed the gun at Juice. Juice’s eyes wide with fear and confusion when Chibs jumped him. The soft thump when they both hit the floor, Juice gasping softly beneath him. The burning pain in his back. The comforting darkness engulfing him.

Chibs realized Jax was watching him curiously. “Aye. I remember now, “he admitted quietly. “Go on.”

Jax swallowed and looked into his friend’s eyes with obvious discomfort. “You were hit in the lower back. It was really bad. You were bleeding out. Juice, he found a cell phone in the dead guy’s pocket. He called 911 and they reached you within ten minutes, I think. They had to revive you on the way to the hospital, it was a real close call.” Jax closed his eyes and looked away, his face a mask of pain and fear as the younger man remembered the terrible night when one of his best friends had nearly died a horrible death.

“You were lucky, “he continued with a slightly trembling voice. “The bullet only grazed your kidney, but you had lost a lot of blood. They performed surgery and it went well. They put you in an artificial coma for a couple of days, to make sure your body could heal from the trauma. That was four days ago. You’ve been out of ICU since yesterday and they pulled the tube out of your lung this morning. They told us it would probably take some time for you to wake up, that your body required a lot of sleep to heal. But we were so afraid you wouldn’t wake up. You cannot believe how glad I am you finally decided to open your eyes, brother.”

Chibs lifted his head in surprise when he heard the shakiness in Jax’s voice. He was even more surprised to see unshed tears in his brother’s eyes and frowned when Jax buried his face in his hands to conceal them.

“I– I’m sorry, man, “he whispered, “I should have ordered Tig to stay there with you, no matter what, I’m so sorry …”

“No, Jax, “Chibs shook his head, “please, that bastard would have found a way tae get me, no matter what. It’s not yer fault. Alright?”

Jax nodded slowly although he didn’t seem to be convinced and he shook his head as if to clear his head. 

“What about McAllister?” Chibs almost didn’t ask, he was so scared McAllister had survived this again somehow and they weren’t safe after all. But he had to know.

“He’s dead. Your bullet hit him in the stomach and he bled out before the ambulance arrived.”

Relief washed over Chibs as he heard those words. Finally. Finally, they were free. Finally, this nightmare was over. He jubilated inwardly but only smirked at Jax casually, as if he didn’t feel downright elated that his worst enemy who had caused them so much pain and heartache had finally kicked the bucket. “Ah, good tae know, “he stated calmly. Jax smirked back at him, he seemed to know pretty well just what Chibs was feeling right know but he didn’t say anything about it. 

But then he frowned again.“Alright, Chibs. Now, how are you feeling?” he asked worriedly.

“I felt better, to be honest, “Chibs muttered but then he leaned forward, looking at Juice again. “What about him? How’s he holding up?”

Jax frowned as he too looked at Juice’s sleeping form on the chair. “Well, not too good, I fear. He’s been at your bedside since you’ve been brought here, he never leaves. We tried to convince him to go home or to come home with one of us at least, but he wouldn’t hear of it. He went hysterical when we tried to drag him away from your bed so we gave up.”  


Chibs shook his head in dismay. “But he’s sick. What about the fever he had?”

“He still has it. The doctors tried to get him into a bed but as I said, he wouldn’t let them. Then one doctor came up and said he recognized you both. Dr. Welling? He promised Juice he could stay here if he took the pills they gave him and if he let them take his temperature every so often again. Told me he’d rather put him into a bed but that it was probably wiser to let him stay, that his health would probably deteriorate if he was taken away from you.”

Chibs’s eyes lit up when he heard that but his frown didn’t disappear. _Stupid boy. Count on him to make himself sick over you._ But he was moved that Juice wouldn’t leave his bedside, that he couldn’t bear for them to be separated, even if Chibs was still out. A short sting in his heart reminded him how badly he wanted to hold that stupid boy in his arms again and scold him for his irrational behavior, but then again, he’d rather hold him and kiss him. He snapped out of his short daydream when he heard Jax’s voice again.  


“He barely slept at all, “Jax continued quietly, “he said he just couldn’t. He would sit in this chair and stare at you for hours, then maybe fall asleep for an hour, then wake up again to resume his watch. It’s a miracle he’s sleeping like that in the armchair over there right now, it’s the first time he has slept for more than two hours, he’s exhausted.”

“Daft kid, “Chibs growled. “I have tae talk tae him.” 

He started to get up but Jax quickly pushed his chest down. “Whoa, whoa, Chibs, stay where you are. You’re not getting out of bed, not for a long time, okay? You can talk to Juice later, let him sleep for now. I’m gonna call the nurse. Okay?”

He looked at Chibs sternly so Chibs sighed and nodded. Jax stepped out of the door but came back after a few seconds with a short, blonde woman in her fifties wearing blue scrubs on his heels. 

“Well, look at who’s finally decided to grace us with his presence, “she chirped happily, “welcome back to earth, Mr. Telford!”

_Huh, she’s a chipper one._ “Thanks, “he said with a weak smile.

She leaned over him with a small light in her hands and checked his pupils. She nodded, apparently content with what she saw then turned towards the machine next to his bed to take a look at the readings.

“Well, Mr. Telford, “she said gaily, “you seem to be much better now and I’m glad. I already feared your friends were gonna jump us eventually if you hadn’t woken up in the next twenty-four hours.”

Chibs raised an eyebrow at Jax who shrugged with a little grin and it was only then that Chibs realized the whole room was drowning in countless colorful bouquets of flowers, tucked into different-sized vases. There even were a little teddy bear or two and lots of get well cards.

“Everyone was in out and, you know. We were all worried.” Jax grinned, apparently a little embarrassed.

Although he had always known that Sons stuck together when in trouble, Chibs felt his heart go out to all of them when he realized how he must have had everybody worried those past few days. He almost felt guilty for having been shot. 

“Especially the cute one over there, “said the funny nurse. She pointed at Juice and threw him an appreciating glance. “Was really worried about that little fella. You must really mean a lot to him, the way he bared his teeth at everyone who got near you, although he had troubles staying on his own feet, poor guy.”

Chibs blushed a little and threw a worried look at Jax. Jax just closed his eyes and nodded a knowing smile. Apparently, he had figured everything out but he seemed to be okay with it. 

“So, I’m gonna fetch the doctor, so he can examine you but I think you’ll be just fine, sweetie.”

The nurse winked at him and left the room, leaving them in awkward silence.

“So, you and Juice, huh?” Jax finally offered kindly.

Chibs winced and looked down at his hands in his lap. “I- uh, I still feel kinda tired, I think, I gotta sleep some more …”

Jax chuckled and squeezed Chibs’s hand once more. “Don’t worry, Chibs. We don’t have to talk about it. But don’t think it’s a problem for me ‘cause it’s not. You’re both my brothers and if you both have decided you’re good for each other, well – who the hell am I to say anything against it?”

Chibs looked up at his friend as relief washed over him. He had been so worried about Jax’s reaction when he’d finally find out about them. He hadn’t intended for his brothers to ever find out. It had been bad enough that Tig knew but Tig was … special himself so that wasn’t too bad. But Jax was his President and if he’d decided he didn’t want any gay members in his club, there would have been nothing Chibs could have done about it. Of course, he had always hoped that Jax would be understanding, that he was open-minded enough to accept their relationship, that he wasn’t homophobic. Apparently, his prayers had been answered.

“Thank you, brother, “he mumbled as he looked Jax in the eyes. Jax just nodded and smiled.

Right then Dr. Welling appeared in the room to examine Chibs. Like the nurse before him, he told them everything looked good, the artificial coma had been the right choice and his body had healed well enough given the short time it had had to heal. He even took the tubes out of Chibs's arms.

“You need to rest. A lot. If you’ll do that, I have no doubt there’ll be no permanent damage to your body.” Dr. Welling smiled and turned to leave the room. “Visiting hours are over now, “he said with one last strict gaze at Jax.

Jax stood up and leaned down to press a soft kiss on Chibs’s neck. “Glad you’re back with us, brother. I’ll be back tomorrow morning and I’ll bring a few people with me, if it’s alright with you. They’ll want to see you.”

Chibs smiled and nodded. “Aye, tha’s fine.” He suddenly really felt tired and his eyes were beginning to droop.

“Alright, brother, go back to sleep, “Jax chuckled and he clasped Chibs’s shoulder one last time before he walked to the door. He turned towards Juice in the chair hesitatingly and threw a questioning look towards the doctor. 

“Ah, yes, almost forgot about Mr. Ortiz, “Welling said with a warm smile on his face, “well, I’m guessing he’s out for the night. His body needs sleep, badly and it seems he’s finally succumbed to its desperate calling. We’ll leave him in peace, let him have a nice surprise in the morning.”

They wished him a good night and then he was alone. Well, except for Juice curled up in that armchair and how he wished Juice would wake up and come to him. He would grab him and pull him into the bed next to him, cradle his head against his chest, lay an arm around him. That way they would feel each other’s warmth, feel the comfort of each other’s bodies and it would be the most wonderful sleep both of them would ever have.

But he couldn’t have that right now. Juice needed to sleep and so did he. 

“Tomorrow, Juicy, “he whispered to himself, as he drifted off into sleep, “tomorrow I’ll hold ye in my arms again.”

***

He woke when he heard light footsteps approach the bed. He jerked upright immediately, his mind alert to any possible dangerous situation.  


“Who’s there?” he grumbled.

A soft female hand squeezed his shoulder softly. “Relax, buddy. I’m Sandra, the night nurse. Just checking on you. Everything alright in here?”

He eased back into his pillows and sighed. “Aye. Just peachy. Until ye woke me up.”

She shrugged apologetically. “I’m sorry. Hospital rules. I’m off again, good night.” She waved at him and stepped towards the door again. When she closed the door, she accidently slammed it too hardly and he winced in his bed at the sudden noise. 

Apparently, he wasn’t the only one disturbed by that slam. Suddenly, he heard a harsh intake of breath.  


“Huh? Wha-?”

Then a soft thump as something hit the floor.

“Ouw, fuck!”

Chibs recognized Juice’s hushed voice at once and leaned forward to get a better look although it was difficult to make out anything in the dark room.  


“Juice?” he whispered anxiously as he realized his heart was starting to throb against his chest excitedly. “Ey, Juice. Are you okay?”

Another sharp intake of breath. “Chibs? Oh my God, Chibs!” Then there was a hasty, shuffling sound, feet hurrying over the floor and then Juice was at his bedside, leaning down towards Chibs. Hot, sweaty hands closed around his and he started to speak, to tell Juice how much he’s missed him when Juice beat him to the punch.

“Chibs, baby, you’re awake! Are you okay, how are you feeling, oh my God, you’re awake, how long have you been awake, have I slept right through, I’m so sorry, I know I shouldn’t have been sleeping but I was so tired, but that doesn’t matter now, I’m so happy you’re awake, does it hurt, Chibs, he shot you, he shot you, I thought you were dead and I ….”

“Juice, stop it!” 

Juice’s babbling stopped immediately at the sudden loud sound of Chibs’s voice. Despite the darkness Chibs could see Juice’s lower lip trembling and then Juice slumped into the chair Jax had left at Chibs’s bedside.

“Oh God, I’m so sorry, Chibs, “he whispered desperately, his voice cracking with sad regret. “I’m so sorry, I’m so selfish, please don’t listen to me.”

Chibs frowned and leaned forward to take Juice’s hands into his own. Juice flinched at his touch and tried to jerk his hands away but Chibs held unto them firmly. He squeezed them once and then let his thumbs roam over the back of his lover’s hands, stroking the skin tenderly.

“No, Juice, “he said quietly, “what are ye talkin’ ‘bout, ye’ve got nothin’ tae be sorry for. I jist needed ye tae be quiet for one second.”

Juice looked at him through tear-streaked lashes and Chibs’s heart went out to him immediately. “I’ve missed ye, sweetheart, “he murmured, “I’ve missed ye so badly, please, jist come tae me, will ya, love?” And he let go of Juice’s hands to open his arms wide in a silent plea.

Juice looked at him for a few seconds silently and for a terrible short moment Chibs thought Juice would refuse him. But then Juice let out a desperate sob and surged forward into Chibs’s arms. Chibs released a long, anxious sigh as he closed his arms around Juice’s hot, trembling body and he let his head sink against the younger man’s neck. It smelled just as amazing as he remembered and he let out a small groan as he completely took in the indescribable feeling of holding Juice in his arms again.

Juice trembled in his arms, sobbing quietly, and he shifted forward, putting one knee on the mattress to get nearer to Chibs. It was a little difficult for Chibs to hold him that way so in one fell swoop he pulled Juice into bed with him.

Juice’s shoulders tensed for a moment in surprise but when Chibs covered them both with his white heavy comforter he relaxed against Chibs and snuggled up to him eagerly. Chibs shifted them so that they both lay on their sides, facing each other. Juice was still crying silently although he seemed to calm down when Chibs worriedly gazed into his eyes and reached out to wipe the tears from his face.

“Shh, calm down, sweetheart, “he soothed gently, “why are ye cryin’? It’s all over now.”

Juice swallowed and huddled against Chibs’s hand stroking his cheek. “I was so scared, Chibs, “he finally hiccupped shakily, “I was so scared you would never wake up again.”  


“But I’m here, baby, “Chibs whispered, “I’m here and although my back hurts like hell I’ll be jist fine in a couple of weeks, love. We’ve made it, Juicy. You and me, we’ve made it through all this shite.” He leaned his forehead against Juice’s and Juice’s breath hitched once again but he seemed to enjoy the intimate touch because he relaxed immediately and the crying stopped altogether a little after.

Chibs listened to Juice’s heavy, ragged breathing and he inhaled deeply to once again take in the lovely scent of the boy next to him. He leaned back a little to kiss Juice’s forehead and he felt Juice shiver underneath him. 

“I’ve missed you so much, “he heard Juice murmur quietly and suddenly Juice’s lips were pressed against his own. He leaned into the kiss immediately and pushed forward a little, cupping Juice’s face in his one hand while returning the kiss softly. There was nothing sexual about the kiss. It was a gesture they both needed badly to convince themselves this was really over. They had survived and they needed to prove it to each other. That kiss physically proved they were both very much alive and still very much in love with the other.  


Chibs finally broke this kiss and he pulled Juice against his chest, panting heavily. He felt goosebumps on his arms when he felt Juice planting soft little kisses against his neck.

“I love you, Chibs, I love you so much.”

“I love you, too, Juice.”

He placed one last kiss on the top of Juice’s head and closed his eyes. “Sleep now, baby. We’ll talk more tomorrow, alright?”

Juice’s breath evened out and he laid his arm tenderly over Juice’s back as the younger man pressed into him comfortably.

“Alright, Chibs.”

Juice was asleep within seconds and never before had Chibs felt so at home like right now in this stupid hospital bed with a sore surgery scar in his back and a sleeping Juice in his arms.

“Best night of my fuckin’ life, “he grumbled to himself as his eyes closed shut and weariness overtook him. That night he slept like a log.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I have no clue about medical terms whatsoever, so please excuse if anything I wrote about intubation or respirators or comas is wrong. I just google everything and hope it doesn't sound too unrealistic.


	35. Need You

The squeaking door once again woke Chibs in the early morning. He wearily opened his eyes when he heard footsteps coming nearer and although his brain begged him to go back to sleep again he refused to listen to it and slowly sat up a little. With a little smile he realized Juice was still sound asleep right next to him, huddled against Chibs’s chest, his hand fisted into Chibs’s hospital gown as if he was afraid he would lose him if he let go.

His first instinct was to ignore whoever had entered the room to bend over his sweet little boyfriend and kiss him out of his peaceful slumber. But before he could do that he heard someone clear their throats disapprovingly and it sounded so serious that he decided it was better to heed the warning. 

He looked straight into the eyes of the funny nurse from the day before. She had her arms crossed in front of her chest and she was shaking her head in strict depreciation but her mouth was curved into a reluctant grin that totally contradicted her harsh demeanor. Chibs grinned back when he realized the nurse ostensibly found him and Juice cute together lying in his bed. He winked at her conspirationally and she blinked in surprise when she realized he had noticed her smile. Suddenly, she seemed to decide that enough was enough and Chibs flinched a little when she clapped her hands together loudly, her smile replaced by an exerted expression of austerity which she didn’t quite manage to pull off wholeheartedly.

”Young man, out of that bed, right now!”

Juice jerked awake next to Chibs and Chibs at once wrapped his arms around the startled boy to show him he was okay. Juice looked around with wide eyes, first at Chibs next to him, then at the nurse and only when he remembered where he was and why he relaxed and the panicked look in his eyes disappeared. Chibs threw a disapproving look at the nurse and opened his mouth to tell her that really hadn’t been necessary but she raised an eyebrow and he closed it again immediately.

“Do I have to repeat myself?” Funny Nurse exclaimed impatiently. “Out now!”

Juice scrambled out of the bed hastily and Chibs exhaled in relief when Juice managed to land on his feet instead of falling to the ground in his hurry to obey the nurse.  


“S-sorry, “Juice stuttered nervously and took one shaky step back when the nurse approached him with a dead serious look on her face.

She rested her hands on her hips and Chibs nervously watched as she stared Juice down, apparently intent on making him falter under her powerful glare. Juice cringed, bit his bottom lip nervously and his hands clenched into fists but he didn’t avert his eyes from hers and he actually jerked his chin a little forward as if he wanted to make clear he wasn’t intimidated by her attitude at all.

Funny Nurse raised her eyebrows at this incredibly insubordinate behavior and Chibs considered jumping out of his bed between them before she would rip Juice into a thousand little pieces because Funny Nurse suddenly seemed more like Angry Nurse when suddenly she opened her mouth to let out a deep, resounding laugh, patted Juice’s cheek motherly while shaking her head disbelievingly.

“My, my, how can I be mad at someone with such stunning eyes?” she chuckled and turned towards Chibs. “You really gotta watch your boy, Mr. Telford, or someone’s gonna snatch him away from you.”

Chibs chuckled too, even more when he saw Juice’s dumbfounded expression. “Nobody touches him, “he growled playfully, “he’s mine.” Juice blushed and Chibs winked at him. The nurse watched their interplay with an amused expression on her face.

“Alright, boys, you two are really cute as two kittens but I really have to tell you not to sleep in that bed together anymore or you, my cute little boy” – she stabbed her finger into Juice’s chest – “will be thrown out of this room for good. You don’t want that, right? So behave.”

They both looked at each other with alarmed expressions on their faces, then nodded at the same time and the nurse laughed, probably because they looked like two idiots.

“So, Mr. Telford, Doctor Welling and the other doctors will be here any second for ward round. Mr. Ortiz, Doctor Welling told me to take a look at you, so would you come with me, please?”

She started to leave the room already and Chibs could see Juice was hesitant to follow her as he looked at Chibs nervously. So he took Juice’s hand and raised it to his mouth to place a soft kiss on the back.

“Go with her, love. I’ll see ye right after ward round, okay?” When Juice still seemed reluctant to let go of his hand Chibs shook his head and smiled.

“Come on, baby. I won’t disappear. I’ll jist stay in this bed and allow all these fancy doctors to stare and poke at me and then ye’ll come back and we can make a plan of how we can smuggle ye into my bed again, huh? What do ye say?”

Juice laughed quietly and his eyes shone they way they always did when Chibs said something funny. It made Chibs’s heart stop in his chest for a second, made him wish he could just stop time and make all those stupid doctors and nurses stop harassing them so that he and Juice could be alone again. He would pull Juice back into his bed again, pull him against his chest and bury his face in his neck so he could inhale that addicting, spicy Juice-smell again. He would hold him and stroke his back and listen to his soft breathing and he knew it would be the best medicine in the whole word, better than any pills or examinations or whatever.

But unfortunately, there were certain rules to be followed and he wanted Juice checked out after all because of his fever so he squeezed Juice’s hand one last time and nodded at the door. Juice sighed heavily and nodded. He bent downward and kissed Chibs quickly on the lips before he turned and scattered out of the room after the nurse.  


Just seconds later Dr. Welling entered the room, a bunch of white-clad other doctors with clipboards in their hands right on his heels. 

“Good morning, Mr. Telford, how are you feeling today?” 

Chibs forced himself to smile politely. These doctors had saved his life, he owed it to them to behave like a normal person in spite of the fact that he hated hospitals and being sick and fussed over. He wanted to get rid of his ridiculous hospital gown and these irritating machines scanning his bodily functions and just go home. He wanted to go home with Juice and finally have his peace. He thought they deserved that after everything they had went through. They deserved a time out.  


But apparently, he still needed to be a little more patient until he could have that peace with Juice. His whole body felt stiff and sore, he had a bad headache and there was a burning pain in his chest where he knew there was a scar from the surgery now. It was irritating and annoying, but he had to admit he was far from okay. Hell, he had nearly died, he shouldn’t be thinking about leaving the hospital already. 

But he was just so sick and tired of them always being miserable. They had had such a short time of happiness after they had found each other. Before that, Juice had tried to kill himself twice and he had been in a really bad, bad state of mind. It had been a miracle that Chibs had managed to reach him, to make him understand that he still was loved, that he had redeemed himself by giving Jax Clay (although that had wrecked Juice as well, since Clay had been like a father to him). Chibs confessing his feelings to Juice, his brothers forgiving him for his betrayal and welcoming back into their family – it had healed Juice. Well, at least, it had started healing Juice, but Chibs was sure with a few more months his boyfriend would have been okay again. Chibs would have assured him each and every day how much he loved him, how much he had loved him for a long time and everything would have been okay eventually. 

McAllister had destroyed everything. The healing process Juice had needed so much? McAllister had reached in and torn something within Juice. And Chibs, too.  


_It’s so fuckin’ unfair. Why then? Why couldn’t we just have our time together? Just when we’ve found each other something like that had to happen. It’s as if we’re cursed or somethin’. As if we didn’t deserve to just be happy._

Chibs gritted his teeth together as the doctors examined and pulled at him as if he was a fascinating project of theirs. He remembered the night he had first kissed Juice. He remembered how the boy’s shoulders had tensed, the surprised noise he had made in his throat, the wide open eyes. But then, Juice had closed his eyes and had relaxed against him, had responded to the kiss shyly. That had been the moment when Chibs had known he would never let Juice go. It just felt so right, kissing Juice, being with Juice and he knew it sounded cheesy and stupid and he’d never admit it out loud but to him it felt as if they were destined for each other.

Thanks to McAllister, Chibs had almost lost Juice. All that pain, the torture, the rapes … _Goddamit, John, if you weren’t already dead I’d kill ye and send ye tae hell again._

“Are you alright, Mr. Telford?”

Chibs looked up and into the eyes of a concerned looking Dr. Welling. In response to the obvious question in Chibs’s face, Welling gestured at his hands and Chibs realized he had clenched them into angry fists and he was shaking. With a little effort, he opened his hands and relaxed them into his lap. 

“Aye, doc, I’m okay, “he said quietly and looked away when Welling raised a doubtful eyebrow. “Seriously, I am, so jist get on with it, will ya?”

Welling turned to the machine next to his bed again and Chibs returned to his thoughts. 

_Stop it, Filip. It’s no good agonizin’ over this shite! What happened, happened. Nothing good comes out of reliving what happened tae us. Ye have tae think about the future now. You and him. Ye’ve survived. Ye’re both okay. Well, sort of okay. No idea how Juice is really holding up…_

Okay, so he had a plan: get well as soon as possible, leave the past behind them as fast as possible and most important of all, find out how Juice really was. Sounded simpler than it would actually be, he knew. But there was nothing else to do, this was the best he could come up with.

“Okay, Mr. Telford, the figures are really good, “the sound of Dr. Welling’s soft voice snapped him out of his brooding. “In fact, I’m surprised at how good they are. They were quite good when you woke up yesterday but there has been a rapid improvement over night, now they are almost incredibly well. Apparently, you have an angel by your side who likes you.”

Chibs smiled to himself. _No, no angel, just Juice._

“When can I go home, doc?” he asked politely. He really wanted to know and he really hoped they wouldn’t force him to stay here for weeks or maybe even months. When he had been in St. Thomas the last time, when he had been in that car bomb explosion, he had to stay for a whole month and it had been incredibly boring and tiresome. He would go crazy if he had to go through that again.

“Well, “Dr. Welling began as he once again skimmed through the medical report in his hands, “it really looks well, as I said, but I don’t want to take any chances. You’ve been shot and you nearly died, so no matter how good the facts sound you’re gonna have to stay here for a little while longer.”

Chibs groaned and Dr. Welling shook his head in polite apology. “I’m sorry, Mr. Telford, but your body needs to heal. This is gonna take some time, you need to be patient.”

_Me. Patient. Ha, tha’s funny!_

“I’ll predict four weeks at least, maybe five or six. Your health insurance covers bullet wounds now so that won’t be a problem.”

Chibs groaned again. After the car bomb incident Gemma had forced him to upgrade his health insurance’s policies. The last time it hadn’t covered all the expenses and Tara had been forced to help him out a little so he wouldn’t be deported to another hospital. This time, he didn’t need Tara apparently but he nevertheless wished the hospital would throw him out when he felt good enough so he could finish his healing at home. Okay, apparently he had to suffer through weeks of hospital.

_Great._

He smirked at Dr. Welling and said nothing but the doctor was intelligent enough to realize Chibs wasn’t happy and he clasped his patient’s shoulder with kind sympathy and tilted his head to the side.

“No reason to hang your head, okay? You have your friends by your side, they’ll help you pass the time, I’m sure. In fact, they’re already waiting in the hallway, so are you ready for a few visitors?”

“Visitors? Already?” Chibs glanced at the clock and saw that it wasn’t even nine o’clock yet.

“Oh, yeah. Quite a lot, to be honest. First, I thought I couldn’t possibly let them all in, but now I think you could use the distraction. Okay?”

Chibs nodded hesitantly and Dr. Welling nodded at him with a big smile on his face. They all wished him a good day and left. A few seconds later there was a hesitant knock on the door.

“Aye!”

“Chibs?” Blonde hair and blue eyes appeared in the doorway. Chibs smiled happily. 

“Jackie, hey brother, “he greeted his president.

Jax smiled a huge smile and entered. Right after him came Gemma, Nero and Tara. Then Tig and Bobby. Chibs’s jaw dropped a little when he realized the whole club had come. Happy, Rat, Phil. Even Chucky and Lyla. They all carried flowers and loaded bags in their hands and they all beamed at him as if he was the eighth world wonder. 

“G-guys?” he stammered, feeling a little overwhelmed.

“I told you they were all anxious to see you, brother.” Jax grinned mischievously. “They really couldn’t wait any longer.”

Chibs wanted to protest but then Gemma sat down on the chair right in front of him and took his face into her hands.

“Filip Telford! Don’t you dare scare us like that again! We were worried out of our minds, that was really cruel of you!” A single tear rolled down her face and Chibs flinched in surprise when she suddenly leaned forward to pull him into a tight embrace. Eventually, he began to stroke her back and bury his face in her neck. It felt good and he had to swallow down a lump in his throat.

After that, it was chaos. Everyone wanted to hug him, everyone wanted to tell him how much they had missed him. Well, they guys wouldn’t phrase it like that, but they said manly brotherly things and clasped his back so hard that he knew how they felt about his near-death experience. He let himself be hugged gladly and fiery warmth made his chest burn with joy and gratitude at having all of his friends here.

This was his family. They had missed him and they wanted him to be well. They would help him and Juice get well again, he simply knew it. 

Chibs grinned to himself as everyone gathered around him, several of them chatting at once and he was only able to listen to half of it absently but it didn’t matter. They were whole again. Only one person was missing.

“Where’s Juice?” he asked hoarsely, interrupting an excited Tig recounting how his “woman mojo” had been completely dysfunctional without Chibs around.  


“Oh, he’s in a room somewhere, being examined by some funny nurse, “Bobby said with a smirk on his face. “He’ll be here soon, I bet.”

Apparently, soon was now because right then Juice appeared in the doorway, dragged into the room by Funny Nurse.

“Oh, family reunion, right?” Funny Nurse chirped happily. “Well, don’t let me disturb you, but I just wanted to make sure this cute little fella returned here safely.”

Juice blushed and lowered his head in timid embarrassment. “I would’ve found the way by myself, “he murmured shyly but Funny Nurse chuckled and shook her head. “Oh, sweetie, I’m not so sure about that, you don’t seem to have the best sense of orientation.”

“Is he alright?” Chibs asked worriedly.

“Oh, he’s not great, but he’s a lot better than those last few days I must say.” Funny Nurse scrunched her nose as if she was really surprised about that fact. “His fever’s dropped and his blood pressure’s not as low as before. But I still highly recommend for him to sleep in a real bed and by himself, too.” She threw a strict glare at them both and Juice blushed again. 

“Oh, I’ll make sure he does so, “Gemma chimed in casually. “He’s staying at my place tonight.” Juice opened his mouth to protest but Gemma raised her hand and stared him down. “No, Juice, I won’t hear of it. He’s awake now so you can finally allow yourself to stay the night somewhere else than in this dreary hospital – no offense to you, lady.” She gestured at Funny nurse who only shrugged with a smile on her face.

“She’s right, Juice, “Chibs agreed, “you should sleep in a real bed for once, you still look exhausted.”

Juice looked at him and nodded although there was slight disappointment in his eyes. Chibs understood the feeling, he wished he could have just pulled Juice next into bed with him tonight, it was the best way to assure they both would have a good night’s sleep. But it probably wouldn’t have worked anyway with Funny Nurse on patrol so Gemma was right. Besides, they would have a lifetime of spending the night next to each other.

He wanted to beckon for Juice to come to him so he could wrap his arms around him, feel his warm body next to his. But he couldn’t do that in front of everyone else, only Tig and Jax knew about their relationship and that was bad enough. He didn’t want to imagine how someone like Happy would react to hearing that particular revelation and he wasn’t so sure about the others. So he had to keep that secret. He shoved these thoughts aside and turned his attention to his visitors again. They had waited so long o see him, they deserved to be noticed by him.

Funny Nurse left them in peace for two whole hours and Chibs realized that this was probably very generous given the amount of visitors. She eventually appeared and announced they had to leave now with a tone that made clear she’d better be obeyed or somebody would be hurt. So they all hurried out, promising Chibs to visit him again soon, although in smaller numbers, and they wished him well. He was hugged again by every single one of them and although he felt a little unconformable, being the center of attention and so on, he was moved by their visit and once again he told himself he was blessed with a family like this.

Funny Nurse allowed Juice to stay. He turned wide puppy eyes at her and she just couldn’t say no when he asked if he could stay for a few more hours until he was picked up again by Gemma. Chibs was glad because he didn’t want the day to be over without being able to have at least a little alone time with Juice. Funny Nurse reminded him of a few appointments Dr. Welling had made for him, though, tests they needed to take during the day and he agreed to go to them willingly if she let Juice stay with him for a few more hours.

“You okay, love?” he asked when they were finally all alone again and he gestured for Juice to come to him again. Juice approached his bed eagerly if maybe a little shy and nodded.

“Of course, Chibs, “he said huskily as he sat on the edge of the bed, looking down at his hands. “I’m okay when I’m with you, you know that.”

A warm fuzzy feeling once again washed over Chibs and he reached out to cup Juice’s face gently in his hand.

“Come here, “he whispered when he suddenly realized his mouth felt empty, “jist come here.”

And he moved his hand from Juice’s cheek to the back of his neck and adjusted some pressure so that he practically forced the younger man forward to himself. Juice realized at once Chibs wanted to kiss him and he closed his eyes when their lips crushed together in a very sudden, very hungry kiss. Chibs didn’t let go of Juice’s neck but added even more pressure and Chibs felt a tiny tingle in his stomach when Juice quietly moaned into his mouth. Their tongues met and danced around each other for a short moment until they both realized they were out of breath, breaking the kiss reluctantly.

With both of them panting heavily none of them was able to speak for a few moments. Chibs rested his forehead against Juice’s, the way they had done so many times before, and moved his hands to the back of Juice’s head to stroke it absently. 

“Jesus Juicy, need ye so much, “he managed to wheeze out after listening to their heavy panting for a few minutes.

“I need you too, Chibs, more than anything, “Juice replied and his words weren’t more than a mere whisper. “Please get well soon, okay, Chibs? For me.”

“Okay, I promise.”

“Like real soon, alright?”

“Aye, love. As soon as possible. But ye have tae get better yerself. Please promise me ye’ll rest more.”

“Alright, Chibs, I promise.”

Then both of them remained silent for a while. Chibs pulled Juice into the bed again but so that his legs still hung to the side of the bed so technically Juice wasn’t in his bed and Funny Nurse couldn’t scold them for bad behavior. Juice nestled his head against Chibs’s shoulder and slipped his hand into Chibs’s. Chibs rested his chin on Juice’s head and they sat like this for what felt like an hour until Juice spoke again.

“Chibs?”

“Aye, love?” 

“I-I think we have to talk. About what happened that night when …”

“Aye, Juicy. Ye’re right, we have tae talk. But not now. Not with the both of us not completely well and rested. Let’s wait until I’m back home again, alright? I just wanna enjoy holding ye in my arms for now. That okay with ye?”

Juice took a heavy breath and Chibs could hear his heart beating against his chest where he held him.

“Alright, Chibs, “Juice whispered after a while and Chibs kissed him on the top of his head to thank him.

“Lemme jist hold ye, sweetheart, “Chibs whispered against Juice’s ear. “I’ve missed holding ye for so long …”

“Me, too, Chibs …”

Juice shifted his head to look up at Chibs and they gazed into each other’s eyes for a long time until Chibs bent down to press another soft kiss against Juice’s lips. And another. They exchanged sweet soft kisses until Funny Nurse appeared to fetch Chibs for his first test of the day.


	36. Welcome Home

Five torturing weeks had to pass until Chibs was finally released from St. Thomas. Although his healing process went along better than Dr. Welling had ever expected the doctor wanted to be on the safe side and not release him too early. He put Chibs on a daily basis of physical therapy as soon as he was well enough to walk again and it was then that Chibs realized how much his body yearned for him to take it easy, to give it time to heal.

His friends and family were there for him the whole time. He had visitors over at least once a day, Jax, Gemma, Tig and Bobby being the most frequent ones. They didn’t stay for very long, there was a lot of business to deal with and times weren’t easy. But they showed up as often as they could, keeping him posted about club matters as well as more private ones. Gemma, Tara and Lyla would try to distract his often frustrated and bored mind with stories about the kids and more often than not, they would succeed. Tig made a point of telling him about every single erotic conquest he made and it amused Chibs well enough, although he could do with a lot less details his eager brother hurried to give him.

With that many people visiting him, physical therapy and his other appointments at the hospital, he was quite occupied. At the end of the day he always felt so tired that he went to sleep usually around 9 pm, a time so ridiculously early that he felt like a real old man. But he couldn’t help it, even when he told himself to stay up at least another hour or two to watch some TV or read another chapter of Christie’s “A Pocket full of Rye”, his eyes would close by themselves and he would be asleep before he even realized he was tired.

Most of the times, he even felt tired during most of the day. Having been shot in the back resulting in a complicated surgery really sort of made you feel exhausted for a few weeks to the point that you considered having a nap every hour or so. Chibs grew exasperated with himself for being so tired all the time but he couldn’t change it. He didn’t have the heart to refuse his visitors when he once again felt too tired for a real conversation although he really felt grateful for their thoughtfulness and their concern for him. Most of them would realize he was tired and leave him alone after a short visit. Only Tig had to be dragged out of the room by his brothers, he was the only one who insisted Chibs was just faking sleepiness so that he wouldn’t have to listen to Tig’s love tales because he was jealous. During these five long weeks Chibs really learned to appreciate his family even more than before: he realized they meant the world to him and he wouldn’t abandon them ever, no matter how difficult club business was at the moment.

What he never grew tired of was having Juice around. His younger lover was almost always there, sitting by his bedside, holding his hand, waiting for Chibs in his room when he was taken away for a test or therapy. He would show up early in the morning and leave as late as possible, until a nurse would throw him out. His fever was gone completely five days after Chibs had woken up and his color had started to come back to his face. He practically glowed with excitement that his precious Scot was on the path to recovery and his exuberantly happy face he greeted Chibs with every morning when he entered his room made his heart flutter excitedly every single time.

The others would try to convince Juice to spend some time with them, to take it easy after everything that had happened to him. But he wouldn’t listen, it was as if he was as if he and Chibs were magnets drawn to each other inevitably and when Juice had to leave Chibs in the evening he would always make a fuss and kiss Chibs again and again as if he was afraid it was the last time he had the chance to do so. The others stopped trying to persuade Juice to spend a few hours elsewhere than the hospital eventually and just drop him off in the mornings and fetch him later. 

Chibs was happy to have Juice with him. He felt just like Juice: the last few weeks had been the worst of his life, having to watch his boy get tortured and used like that, losing him not once, but even twice. It was a miracle they were both alive and relatively well, it was just right they saw each other as often as they could. He needed Juice around, knew that it made him heal faster, physically as well as mentally. It was the same thing for Juice. They needed to see each other, smell, listen to, taste and feel each other – just to be a hundred percent sure the other one was real and well. Sometimes they would talk to each other about random stuff, other times they just gazed into each other’s eyes for hours.  


Chibs had never felt as content as when Juice laid his head on his stomach, sitting on his usual chair next to Chibs’s bed. He would rest his hand on the top of the soft, brown skin and stroke it tenderly. Juice would close his eyes and sigh happily and Chibs would squeeze his neck the way he had always done. It gave them a peace they both desperately needed and every time they did it, it was as if this sweet, subtle way of being around each other, with each other, recharged their empty batteries, made their skin glow a little healthier, made the circles under their eyes disappear a little more. Juice was the reason he didn’t go crazy in his long stay at the hospital.

The nurses and doctors realized the special bond the two of them had and left them alone. Juice was allowed to stay with Chibs way more often than visiting hours allowed but it was so obvious his presence accelerated Chibs’s recovery that they’d apparently decided to let the rules slide for once. The whole staff became very fond of them. Some of the nurses almost squeaked when they walked in on them cuddling quietly and they had declared them the cutest couple they had ever had in the hospital. Dr. Welling too always smiled a knowing smile when he observed the way Juice helped Chibs out of bed, apparently scared that Chibs would break his bones from moving too fast or too carelessly.  


And then finally the day came when Chibs was allowed to go home. He had spent thirty-eight long days at the hospital and he was desperate to leave. He longed for the familiar feeling of his house, the clubhouse and his Dyna. He wanted to move his aching legs and feel like a normal person again instead of a useless, old man. The Sons had had to cope a long time without him and Juice and they needed them back in good shape to help them with club business. 

But more than that, he needed for him and Juice to finally have a normal relationship together. They had never had the chance to just be together without complications and heartache and they badly needed the simpleness and security of everyday life to build up a strong, long-lasting life for the two of them. He was ready to dive into club shit with his brothers anytime, but privately he needed some peace and quiet with Juice. He craved for calm, boring evenings in front of the TV where he could just cuddle with Juice, no fuss, no drama, just the two of them enjoying the silent company of the other. Sleeping next to Juice every night, feeling his boy’s warm breath on his chest when he slept, familiar heart radiating from his body – that was what he wanted, what he needed and they had deserved it a thousand times over.

“You ready, baby?”

That raspy, familiar voice he loved so much jerked him out of his brooding. He looked up and saw Juice approaching him with two bags in his hands and a big smile on his face. It was 5 pm and they had spent the whole day waiting for the hospital staff to finally end the preparations needed to be made for his release. He had to sign several documents, had to undergo a lot of final examinations and Dr. Welling had wanted to see him for one last doctor-patient-conversation. The good doctor had warned him to take it easy, to not lift anything heavy, to sleep at least eight hours a night and to drink a lot. Work, meaning the club, was forbidden for the next three weeks as was riding on his bike. He had protested heavily at that but the doctor had been adamant and he had made Chibs swear on his grandmother that he would obey his orders. 

Juice had waited for him in his room patiently whereas Chibs felt like screaming at everybody for delaying him like that. They had told him he would be out by lunchtime. Well, apparently they had miscalculated and he was really angry. When he told Juice that he had told Chibs to calm down in a soothing voice. “What’s a few more hours, babe?” he had said. “Don’t be mad at them. They are such nice people and they took such good care of you, please remember that.” 

Chibs had kept quiet after that. Juice was right. He had no right to be angry at the people who had saved his life. How could he be so inconsiderate sometimes? He was annoyed by his own thoughtlessness, but chuckled when he thought about the way Juice was good for him. He could be pretty thoughtless himself, had proved it in the past by making too quick decisions which he deeply regretted in the end (the coke stuff, the suicide attempts and so on). But the young Puerto Rican had a lot of empathy, a way of looking into people’s heads and understanding what they were feeling. He had a kind heart, a fact which had threatened to destroy him more than once. Had he been a more cold-blooded and sober kind of person he probably wouldn’t have had all the problems he did have in the past few years and it would have spared him falling into the agonizing downward spiral which had nearly killed him, leaving him self-loathing and empty-hearted. 

But in the end, this was what made Chibs love him. He loved that Juice was this emotional, sweet-natured person who was too kind for his own good. He loved that Juice tried to understand every person he ever met, even if it was someone he’d never meet again. He was nice to every person, be it the grumpy cashier in the local supermarket or the way-too-nervous waitress at the diner they often ate at. He’d scowl at Chibs when he was impatient or unfriendly with those waitresses and cashiers and ask him to be nicer, maybe they just couldn’t help being nervous or grumpy but maybe he would lighten their day by being nice to them. Chibs would huff every time but smile inwardly and indeed make an effort of being nicer to the poor people around them. A few years back, he remembered, Juice had found a hurt kitten in a street corner and had wanted to take it home with him to keep. It had taken hours for Chibs to be able to convince a pouty Juice that he didn’t have time for a pet and that it would be better for the animal to be taken to a shelter. Chibs smiled inwardly to himself. Juice was an angel and that’s why he loved him like crazy.

_Damn. Ye getting’ old, Filip, or what’s with the cheesy thoughts?_

“Chibs?”

He blinked a few times and looked up at Juice whose brows were furrowed in obvious concern.

“Are you okay?”

Juice sat down next to him on his hospital bed which was now clean and made, ready for the next patient. Chibs felt Juice’s unusually cold hands enclose his, nudging him to look at him.

“You’re worrying me, baby,” Juice said nervously and Chibs squeezed his hand quickly to assure him everything was okay.

“No, love, it’s nothing. Jist lost in thoughts a little.”

Juice still looked concerned so Chibs leaned forward to press a gentle kiss on his boy’s soft and enticing mouth. Juice hummed happily as he welcomed the kiss with boyish eagerness and the soft vibrations of their lips against each other made Chibs’s stomach flutter nervously. He wanted more, wanted it so badly. Every time they kissed he felt the urge to move his hands all over Juice’s body and make love to him for hours. The need almost drove him crazy but he was quiet proud of himself for not letting it show too obviously. He couldn’t always hide the erection bulging in his pants, although he did try to cover himself with a blanket if possible, claiming to be cold. But he always managed to restrain his hands from roaming Juice’s body, always kept them by himself or at least only on Juice’s face or head. He sensed Juice’s eagerness to kiss, his need for closeness between them. But at the same time there was also nervousness, an uneasiness when Chibs’s breath went quicker, beads of sweat pearled on his forehead, betraying the lust his body conjured up for his hot, younger lover. So Chibs never allowed the kisses to grow too long or too intensive. 

So he broke their current kiss after a couple of agonizingly hot minutes like he always would and cupped Juice’s face in his hands.

“Let’s go home, Juicy, “he said huskily. “I’m sick an’ tired of this hospital, believe me.”

Juice chuckled quietly. “Oh, I do believe you, Chibby.”

They got off the bed and both grabbed one of the bags that contained Chibs’s belongings they had packed earlier that day. Before they left the room, Chibs turned back for a moment to take in the sight of the room he had spent the last five weeks in. It looked white and clean, not at all as if a man had spent tiresome hours pitying himself, hating others for making him do stuff like physical therapy and annoying tests. _Well, sayonara bitch._

Before they could leave the hospital they had to say farewell to all the nurses who had adopted them over the last few weeks. The evening before, they had had a little farewell party with cake and nonalcoholic sparkling wine which had tasted like crap to Chibs but he had been moved by their gesture nevertheless.

Like yesterday, he had to endure a lot of hugs and he endured them generously, given that he normally wasn’t a very physical person. They were on the hospital’s entrance and he watched impatiently as Funny Nurse, whose actual name was Beatrice as Juice had told him with a stern look on his face, was clinging to Juice’s neck, tussling through his Mohawk with her hands until it was a total mess. He looked at Juice and raised an inquiring eyebrow but Juice just shrugged and smiled as he let the nice little woman hug him. 

When she finally she let go, her eyes were watery and her mouth was quivering. “I’m gonna miss you two, “she said with a trembling voice. “Take good care of each other, okay? Promise me.”

Juice patted her hand and flashed her that smile that Chibs loved so much. “Okay, we promise. Right, Chibs?”

“Aye, “Chibs grumbled quietly. _Come on, Juicy, I wanna go home._

He flinched in surprise when he felt a soft smack on his arm and then someone pulling him down. He looked down right into the now dry and dead serious eyes of Beatrice.  


“I mean it, “she growled in a voice much deeper than before. “You protect that boy with your life. And yourself, too, okay?”

He blinked, still a little dumbfounded, but then he nodded and she pressed a quick little kiss on his cheek.

“Alright, boys, gotta go, lots of patients to take care of. You two have a nice life, okay.” Beatrice smiled at them one last time, that wistful look in her eyes flashing up again for a second, and then she was gone.

Chibs looked after her for a second, then held out his hand to Juice. Juice smiled at him shyly and took his hand. Hand in hand they walked out of the hospital and towards the parking lot where the club’s van waited for them. It felt really good, finally walking away. He had been allowed to walk in the hospital’s garden a few times when his legs were better but it hadn’t felt as good as this, it hadn’t tasted like freedom like now. He drew in the cool, fresh September air, closed his eyes and raised his head to let the wind rustle through his messy hair. It felt incredible.

Juice seemed to sense his emotions and said nothing to just let him enjoy them. But Chibs held on to Juice’s hand as he enjoyed the wind and the fresh air and it was another of those perfect moments he so rarely had been allowed in the last few months. 

When they reached the van after that Chibs was surprised that nobody of the Sons or the other guys were there. He hadn’t exactly expected all of them to be there when he got released from the hospitals but at least a few of them to give him a ride home. But it was just him and Juice, it seemed.

_Huh. Well, they must be busy._

It stung a little, but he shoved the feeling away as he got into the passenger’s seat. _Well, no problem, all the more time for jist Juicy and me._

Juice looked up to him from the driver’s seat. “I’m sorry, Chibs. They wanted to come, but they had to make a trip to Lodi in the last second and they couldn’t make it. Jax sends his regrets.”

Chibs smiled a little forcefully and shook his head. “Tha’s okay, laddie, I’m no baby. You okay tae drive?”

“Yeah, as long as it’s just short drives, I’m allowed.”

Juice shot another worried look in Chibs’s direction and started the engine. They drove through familiar streets Chibs hadn’t seen for weeks and it felt good just to take in Charming and listen to Juice’s harmless chatter for a while. He felt his limbs relax into his seat comfortably as he realized he was indeed going home at last. Him and Juice together.  


_Fuck the others. Tonight, I jist need him and me together, alone in our bed._

He grinned a little when he pictured himself pulling Juice into bed without even unpacking or brushing his teeth. Juice was very persistent about dental hygiene and he would always throw a fit when Chibs decided he was too tired to brush his teeth after a long day. He grinned some more when he decided he would do that this evening, provoke Juice by not brushing his teeth, just to see that pouty look on his face, when he suddenly realized they had pulled into the wrong street.

“Um, lad? Why are we at Gemma’s house?”

Juice killed the engine and turned toward him with a smile. “Oh, Gemma asked if we could stop by and fetch that old TV of hers and dump it at the waste disposal since it so near to your place.”

“She did?” Chibs furrowed his brow in surprise. _Not even home yet and already pulled in for a favor by our Queen. How sweet._ “Well, let’s not keep her waiting then.”  


They got out of the car and strolled towards the door. Juice let himself in with a pair of keys, at which Chibs raised his eyebrows questioningly. “Gemma gave me the keys beforehand, “Juice said, blushing lightly, “Thomas is sleeping and she doesn’t want him raised by the door bell.” Chibs made a noise in the back of his throat to voice his agreement and they entered the house. 

Inside, everything was dark, to Chibs’s utter confusion. It was hard to see because it was already dark outside so there was no daylight to help them move along the house.  


“What’s this, “Chibs growled in annoyance, “where’s Gemma? Fuck!” The curse left his mouth involuntarily when he ran into a chair he hadn’t seen and he felt Juice jump next to him, then a soothing hand on his arm.

“It’s okay, Chibbie, everything’s alright. Here, let me lead the way.”

He let himself be pulled further along by Juice and he pressed his lips together to avoid cursing some more. 

_I’m supposed tae go home right now with Juice, not tripping through the dark tae fetch some damn old TVs. Dammit, they’ve got tae be kiddin’ me, right?_

He held his breath as he stumbled after Juice into what he thought must be the living room. 

“Come on, Juice, wha’s goin’ on, where is … “

Suddenly, the lights were on and Chibs blinked in surprise.

“Surpriiiiise!!”

He was indeed standing in Gemma’s living room and right in front of him were all of his family and friends cheering and clapping for him. The whole room was decorated with balloons and confetti and there was a huge banner hanging from the ceiling which said “Welcome Home, Chibs!”

He was speechless. He felt someone tuck at his sleeve and turned to see Juice beaming at him happily, obviously proud for having lured him here without giving the surprise away.  


“Welcome home, baby, “he whispered into Chibs’s ear and then there were arms on Chibs’s shoulders, turning him around into a huge, warm embrace – Jax. Being unable to protest Chibs let himself be handed around so everyone could give him a hug: all his brothers, Tara and Gemma of course, Nero, Chucky, Lyla – everyone was here and they all had huge grins on their faces.

“Welcome home, brother, “Tig who was the last to hug him said almost sentimentally. “Good to have you back, man!”

Chibs felt the tears welling up and he swallowed quickly to forbid them to show in his eyes. He searched for Juice and found him right next to him.

“Come on, Scot, “Juice said cheerfully as he took his arm and pulled him with him, “this party’s just for you, might as well enjoy it.”

And Chibs laughed heartily as he was pulled into the pile of his friends and family and the long boring hospital stay was already out of his mind in a far away corner. He was home. Finally.


End file.
